My beautiful newborn baby

....Thats what this whole post should be about. It should be filled with cute little newborn pictures of cute squishy toes and chubby little cheeks but unfortunately it of me complaining. It's wierd to think that if I had gotten pregnant at the same time that I did when we were trying with Jayda I would have a 1 month old baby. I just can't explain the pain I feel when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby and think that would be me right now. Seeing Jayda so happy to see other younger babies makes me sad instead of happy because then I realize even she would love another baby and I can't provide that sibling for her yet.

These last couple of weeks Chase and I have talked about just having one more and then being done. I don't think I can handle this kind of stress anymore. And thats even BEFORE we even get pregnant. Having the high risk pregnancy and worrying about baking the baby long enough to live puts a whole other spin on it.

It's so awkward venting about this to people that just don't understand. Its so hard to explain these emotions. Just like being in the "preemie club" is no club anyone wants to be in and you can't possibly understand the emotions until you become a member so is it like being in the "infertility club". You just can't fathom the pain you feel every month. Not only when it doesn't happen but when you know there is no possible way for it to happen because there simply is no egg to fertilize.

Some days I feel horrible complaining because I am so blessed. For instance there is a mom on the preemie parenting board I belong to. She tried for 3 years to get pregnant. Got pregnant on IVF #1 with twins but lost them both at 22 weeks. Then on IVF #3 got pregnant again but m/c at 8weeks. IVF#4 got pregnant with twin boys which she had a 24 weeks. The first baby died at 5 days old and the second died at 9 days old. Reading about this story really made me feel so guilty. Here this lady is sitting on 5 losses. 4 of which were in the second trimester and all she wants is one child. And now she has to wait 1 year to even try again because of her classical c-section. So no matter what horrible "club" you belong to there's always worse clubs out there.

With that in mind...it still doesn't take the pain away. It still hurts to watch my belly stay flat over the months (except for the chub of course :P ) and to see people go on to have their second child since I had Jayda. I literally cannot wait for my appointment on the 11th. I have so much to discuss and figure out. I can't wait to do the hsg and the fermara to get this show on the road. Oh and to top it off my thermometer totally disappeared. It's CD 36 and I still havent ovulated so I guess its no use to me anyways. Yipee.

Shakespearean Festival with the Gals

So this weekend one of my best friends who I've known since 5th grade came up from Vegas and brought one of her friends Ilse. Boy I had the time of my life. It was such a blast. We decided we wanted to go to the Shakespearean Festival in Cedar City. Pam forgot about the time zone difference and showed up 45 min late haha....so when we got to the play we didn't know what the heck was going on. I'm not sure if it really would have mattered though because it was like listening to a foreign language. Either I'm not very cultured or Shakespeare was on crack when he wrote "A Midnight Summer's Dream". But really we had a blast anyways. Seriously I havent laughed that hard in awhile. Ilse was so much fun too and I'm planning on going down to Vegas for my b-day and hanging out with them again. If Chase can get it off then we'll do a couples thing. Can't wait.

Then after that we decided to go to Olive Garden in St. George to eat. We were laughing and sharing stories and beliefs...idk it was just refreshing. I loved how I could talk to them about things that didn't have to do with babies or what our kids are doing. I love my friends that have kids but sometimes its nice not to sit there and talk just about the kids/having babies and just have some time to yourself. I was so into conversation with them too that I ended up forgetting my debit card in the billfold. I didn't even realize it til Monday when I went to go grocery shopping and noticed it was missing.

You know you have a true friend when you have known them almost your entire life and even if you don't talk all the time it seems when you do you pick up right where you left off.

Pam and I in front of the Shakespearean Festival banners....btw I am only 5'3" but I look super tall in this pic next to Pam...she's so little! She reminds me of what Jayda's size will be when she gets older! So cute and dainty haha

Me, Pam, and Ilse in front of the banners

Us again at the Olive Garden

Pine Valley

Chase had the day off yesterday so we decided to go up to Pine Valley and just hang out. Jayda loved going down by the lake and even got all stripped down and waded in the water. She loved it! Here are some pics.





I love this expression haha



Jayda and her daddy walking down to the lake

perfect expression haha

giving her daddy a hug...she wasnt scared of the water too which was the funny part.

She found a stick and kept splashing in the water and playing in the mud with it.

She found some "puppies" that were like twice the size of her haha. She loved it though.

All three of us. Beautiful view too.







On the way up. She was perfectly content with her coconut M&Ms



Potty training....oh boy

So I can tell potty training is already going to be a blast. Yesterday I asked Jayda if she wanted to sit on her potty and she just yelled "NOOOOO!" I'm trying not to push it but have had the seat there since she was about 15 months or so just in case she was ready to train early and to slowly introduce her to it without pushing it on her since I think if you bring it out of no where when they are older they get nervous. Well she has been telling me lately when she pees or poops and doesnt like her diaper on after she has gone. So when she tells me I sit her on her potty and will even sit on the big girl potty with her so she doesn't feel alone. She'll sit there for a minute and then tries to run around naked...she LOVES being naked haha! But I sure hope that picks it up quick though once she decides she wants to!

Been a year now.....Time to get crackin!

So for awhile there I was pretty obsessed with TTC. I charted, read about ovulation and stalked ovulation charts, worried about my ovulation, worried about EVERYTHING. Well I had many people tell me the classic lines every infertile hears at some point "just let it happen" "let God be in control" "it will happen when it is supposed to" "the minute you stop trying it will happen for you".....well sorry folks that didn't work. I gave your "theories" a shot since March and guess what? It didn't work...so you can stick that in your back pocket.

One thing I believe in and always have is that God is in control but that you have to be in action. He isn't just going to hand things over like a piece of candy. Some people have to work hard at it. Bravo to you though that you got pregnant after the first shot. You're such a WOMAN Congrats...but it isnt that way for me. Chase and I are finally at that place where we are very serious about adding to our family. There is something wrong I just don't know what it is. I can sit here and pray and pray for it to change but without action I'm not expecting God all of a sudden to make it better. He doesn't work that way.

In a few weeks we will have hit our one year mark of trying to get pregnant. I can't say I am suprised because deep down I knew something was wrong at 6 months but maybe now I will be taken a little more serious from people and my doctor. I discovered a little bump on my cervix back in March but read that it was normal and should go away in one of my infertility books. But last night I checked my cervix again since we have been charting this month again and the bump is still there. Then last night I started spotting on CD 15 (yipee!) but I spotted out some wierd balls of tissue looking things. That can't normal. One of my preemie mom friends who had infetility issues with her first mentioned awhile back that maybe I have endometriosis but I never made an appt to see. Since I have a family history of it I'm thinking its a possibility.

So today I called to make an appt with my OB since my annual pap is coming up anyways and they didn't have an appt open until August 10th...which is fine but you better bet I'm gonna really be asking a lot of serious questions. And no I am not just going to "throw some clomid at it". I really want him to take me seriously about seeing about the endo and even ask for an HSG to check for blockages in my tubes. Then if all those things check out fine then I will finally try the clomid. But I'm over the "just letting it happen". I deserve to add to my family if I sure as heck want to. I'm not waiting around anymore for it. So here I jump head first.....

Lake Powell and 4th of July

4th of July weekend we went to Lake Powell (we left Jayda with my parents). We met up with my inlaws on their houseboat. It was a blast but we were happy to get back to Jayda on Sunday. Then on monday we went to the park in st george and walked around and looked at all the booths and she even rode one of the rides. She LOVED it and keeped saying "weeeeeeeee" the whole time. Haha She was tuckered out though by the time we got home.