eventful day

So please forgive me I'm on my kindle. I dropped my computer earlier this week and broke the screen. So please excuse any typos. So ive been somewhat nervous about The Big ultrasound today but felt a lot better feeling the little squirt really hard all week. During the ultrasound the tech kept pointing out body parts and I just kept asking her if it was normal. I noticed she spent a lot of time at the heart. She looked at the spine and brain a lot as well. In the back of my mind I thought that was a bit strange but I kept asking her if the heart was normal and she kept assuring me it was. So we finished the ultrasound and headed back to the waiting area. They gave me a long strand of pictures and I just kept staring at them with a stupid grin on my face. One that had her sucking her thumb was my favorite. How cool is that? When we went back and the Dr came in he said everything looked great except for one thing. My heart dropped. Already I started to hold back tears. Not again. He said what they found is a choroid plexus cyst on her brain. The cyst in and of itself isn't an issue (they usually resolve on their own and even if it doesnt it wont effect any brain development. What is concerning is that it id a soft marker for downs. At this point I just start sobbing. I mean why in the hell does crap like this have to happen! It was like a flashback to jaydas pregnancy when they found her birth defect. At the time they weren't sure exactly what it was but there was a double bubble which is a hard marker for down syndrome. With jayda they gave her a 1 in 3 chance of having it. This time its s 1 in. 500 chance. The only thing is we didn't see jaydas hard marker til 24 weeks when I was in laboor as it doesn't typically show up til later. So now its a wait and see game. As of now she has no other markers but then again jaydas didn't show up at her autonomy scan either. I feel like everything is ok but it still sucks to have this in the back of my mind. Its just not needed. My Dr is very optomistic and said its really not that big and that if he didn't HAVE to tell me he wouldn't because it will probably just stress me without need but he is obligated to. Still it does no good when I'm already on pins and needles and with good reason. He did say her heart looks perfect and her spine and neck look great. Which is why she spent so much time there to check for hard markers. Good news is my cervix is long at 3.5 so were good in that respect. The baby weighs 8 oz and is growing normally. Then to top it off we got jaydas lab results back and it showed negative for celiac and for high red blood cells but her white blood cells are high which means her bowels are inflammed. Hes not sure why but it just means there's s build up of abnormal bacteria in her bowels. So were gonna start her on a special antibiotics they use to treat c-diff and then do culturelle for 3 weeks. At thatcpoint we'll be redo the lab and see if its normal. If its not then we will have to go back to primarys to follow up. Oh and its chases birthday. Smack my head! Goosfraba!

Worry.

So here I sit at 6:15 in the morning unable to sleep. I was shaken awake around 5:00 by a racing heart and sweaty palms. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. At first I didn't know why I was feeling so anxious but then I came to realize, its been about 2 days since I haven't felt any definate kicks.

I know. I know. I'm not a first time mom and if I heard someone say that at 17-18 weeks I'd just laugh. OF COURSE you won't feel movements everyday yet. The baby is probably hiding in the depths of my uterus. And you know she's busy coordinating reflexs and growing and all.

It's just unnerving because I felt like this Jayda's whole pregnancy. Heart racing, worrying over everything. Just feeling so deperate to have her in my arms. Granted I shouldn't have wished so hard because apparantly she wanted to be in mine ASAP as well.

This pregnancy has been vastly different. The first trimester I have felt such peace and man has it flown by! I guess I felt that if something went wrong there was nothing I could do. It's in Gods hands. And I guess the same still holds true, what with not being at viability yet or anything. But theres so much more to lose. So much more heartache to be felt if something goes wrong.

And maybe it's the pending ultrasound this Friday. Oh you know the Big One. The One where they missed her birth defect last time. The One that showed everything was Perfectly Normal.

Maybe, just maybe it's the pressure. I know everyone is watching and waiting to see if the High Risk Girl is going to fail again. Its unnerving to pass someone in the hall of church get the eye and be asked, "So everything going ok with the pregnancy this time?" As if they are still unconvinced this is it.

I think? But what if its not? What if I am totally and utterly naive? Oh how stupid I'll feel. For believing it was different this time.

And I guess at the heart of it I just don't know what I'll do if this fails. I don't know if I'll have the heart to try again. I don't think Chase would have the heart to try again. In fact, he told me he wouldn't. He said if we have another micropreemie we are DONE! I quickly agreed, DONE!

And what if I continue to ask what ifs no one can answer?

And of course as I finish typing this Haven gives me a good kick in the gonads.

Oh funny little girl you are, you.

I surely am going to kill someone by the end of this.

First Dentist & Gastrointerologist Appt

Last weekend we went to Lake Powell with some friends (post on that later). It was a blast but by Sunday night we were totally exhausted and ready to be home for awhile. Didn't work out that way.

At 2:45 Jayda had her first dentist appointment. She did GREAT! She loves the show Doc Mcstuffins and ever since that show came out she has been SO good at drs offices. She did everything they said and I think their office was amazing. Really great for kids and their office was loaded with toys and things for them to do. She had no cavities but they did say that she needed to get rid of the binki at night since thats only when she uses them. Her teeth were defintly effected by such long binki use (oh gosh it was SO worth it). More on that later.

Monday after her appt at 4:30 we get a call while I was looking for a new swimming suit at Kohls from Jaydas drs office that there was a cancellation and so we could get in earlier than September when they had us scheduled. I had contacted her dr (who actually saw me during my pregnancy and assisted during delivery) and asked that he call to the GI to get me in sooner considering my OB didn't want me traveling especially that far along in my pregnancy. The only problem was that they wanted us to be up north (3 1/2hours away) by 8:30 in the morning.

At first we said no but then found out they wanted us to come August 20th which was Jaydas first day of school. So we had to just buck up, go home and pack our stuff and head up to my sisters house right then.

The next morning we got to Primary Children's outpatient hospital in Riverton to see Dr. Wu. We weren't to thrilled at first with seeing him since our last GI was named Dr. Kuddu. Wu- Kaddu sounds vaguely familiar and he was a jerk. But we were pleasantly surprised with Dr. Wu. He was incredibly poised and could tell he knew his stuff. He is the first dr to just sit and ask more questions that I asked him. He wanted to know everything.

Bottom line, he thinks that she is just small. From looking at her labs we did in December her protein test showed that she is in no way malnourished and all the other labs were completely normal. He said she is not dangerously thin just really short. Overall she is proportional to her height. But just in case he wanted to run some extra tests. Namely one for celiac disease, one to see if she is really absorbing her nutrients, and another to see if she has any food allergies. If any of those come out positive then she will need additional testing (an endoscopy to get a biopsy and if food allergies than more specific testing through an allergist).

For now he said we should try a supplemental diet through pediasure and see if she'd drink that. Also to put oil and butter on everything. It will be a change since I don't use butter or oil on anything.

We have an appointment with the endocronologist in October but I will probably just have Chase take her up and I'll be on the phone during the appointment. I have to be safe and although they have a hospital up there I DO NOT want to deliver a preemie there. I just think our NICU is more specialized to preemies and to individual families. I really attribute how well she did with our awesome NICU.

After playing with cousins we headed home totally exhausted and ready to stop the travelling. Although we were exhausted and just wanted an easy night we had to get rid of that damn binki. So we told Jayda she couldn't have them and she needed to go throw them away. Man I wished I had filmed it. It was the saddest, cutest, funniest thing ever. She had three of them and hesitated by the trashcan. She threw one in and whined a little. Then after she threw the last one turned around and started sobbing and asked her daddy to hold her. She was just having a melt down.

It took a few times to put her down but we gave her some stuffed animals to help comfort her. The first time Chase went up there she said, "Daddy this is tough!" Then when I went up there she asked me to sing her the song about God (A Child of God). After she was asleep she did great.

Can't believe we are binki free!

Oh and in other tummy news...I felt little Haven moving for sure this weekend. I've sworn I have felt little thumps from the inside before but it was a definite this weekend. I'll never get tired of those little thumps telling me "Yeah, I'm still here, Mom!" 

And the Shots Begin...

So a lot of people seem very concerned when I tell them that I have to take a shot every week from week 16 to week 36. But it really is a positive thing.

A little bit about the p17 shots:

The abbreviation "17p" stands for 17-alpha-hydroxyprogesterone caproate. In other words its a type of progesterone which is made in rich supply by the placenta.

Studies have shown that 17P treatment in the second trimester of pregnancy can lower the risk of preterm birth for women who fit this "high risk" profile. In one recently published study, the rate of preterm birth was reduced by one-third among these women.

Today I took my first shot and it was an interesting experience. A lot of people usually just go to the drs office to get it administered there but I figured it would just be easier to do it at home.

First off let me say that when I picked up the shots from the "pharmacy" I was beginning to rethink my plan to do them at home. I met this guy in the back of the parking lot at the hospital. He had a big brown box filled with 5 syringes, 5 needles, wipes, needle discard box, medicine and hand sanitizer. I felt like we were making a drug deal.

These shots will last me 5 weeks.

This was some kind of sick joke. I know it. I used this type of hand sanitizer for 3 months straight in the NICU since that is what they have in the hospital. It's there to taunt me, I know it.

Here we were sitting in 105 degree weather in the middle of the parking lot, car still running, being taught how to draw up the medicine and inject myself.

I'm not scared of shots so that wasn't the problem. The big problem was actually drawing up the medicine. I just could not figure it out which makes me sound so stupid but its harder than it looks. You have to plunge air into it and then plunge it out. I still don't know how to do it. Chase ended up figuring it out as I was dialing the on call nurse. I guess we used the wrong needle to draw up the medicine so I think that was a big part of it. Durr.



Trying to figure out how this freaking works. I bet in 20 weeks I'll be a pro.

So then the time came. The first shot is always scary especially since Chase said he was just going to slam it in my booty. I had to remind him he wasn't the nurse in Pearl Harbor and to be gentle. I think I was more scared of him then the actual shot. It ended up not being that bad at all.

Jayda came in and saw the whole ordeal and was like

Jayda: Awww mommy thats no fun!
Me: It was for baby Haven and we are all done.
Jayda: She lit up and said, "Baby Haven's done cooking?!"
Me: She still has a long way to go but in a little while you'll be able to feel her kicking from inside.
Jayda: I wanna kick you in your belly!

Safe place

One thing that totally rocks about being high risk (if anything rocks at all) is that everytime I have an appointment I get a peek at my baby. Its amazing seeing it go from this semi-alien looking figure to an actual baby. There is something scary about being in the beginning of my second trimester. I feel like I'm in limbo between feeling much better but still too early to feel any movement. Although I have sworn I've felt little flutterbys.

So naturally when the appointment came I was clammy and my heart was racing as we made our way to the ultrasound room. I didn't care what the gender was. I wanted a heartbeat. Right as the tech put the wand to my growing belly I instantly knew she was ok. She looked significantly bigger than last time. The little bean compared to 11 weeks looked so much more like a baby...just miniture sized. And there I saw it. The most beautiful sight ever. Cardiac activity. Ohhhh yeah.

Chase was dying to know if it was a boy. He wants a boy so bad. I hated feeling so much pressure, but in the end I could care less. I was just happy to see the baby had both hemispheres of its brain.

When the tech tried to see the baby's netheregions it looked for a minute that it was a boy, but what Chase thought was well endowed man goodies ended up being the cord. Finally she announced that it looked like a girl because there was a lack of "goods" and there were the all too familiar three little dots. I was so happy that little Jayda bum would have a sister. They will be buddies.

After the tech deemed everything else normal that she could see (I get my autonomy scan at 18 weeks) we headed out to the waiting room to wait to talk to the dr.

As we walked through the waiting room ultrasound pictures clutched in hand I couldn't help but notice the waiting room was full of big pregnant women. For a brief moment I felt jealousy, but then realized I didn't have to be. I guess my jealous meter has yet to realize it is finally "in the club".

I couldn't help but notice this girl, maybe because she was the only one with a flat belly in the room. She was shuffled in a corner away from everyone and looked uncomfortable. I instantly felt bad for her because for many months I did the same thing. Blood draws were brutal on fridays, because that seemed to be the busiest pregnant lady day. It was confirmed when she was called back and a few short minutes later left with a bandage around her elbow.

Chase in his excitement seemed to not even notice her. He was audibly bummed about it being a girl, and for a moment I wanted to slap him back into reality. We had a baby in my uterus. I wasn't going to be picky at this point especially as I was being fed back into the twilight zone watching this girl. He wanted me to call my mom to tell her but I said I'd do it later. He kept nudging me to do it and I finally whispered that there was a potential infertile in the room and I felt it was rude.

As she took the "walk of shame" to the door empty uterus and all she looked at all of us with one of those uncomfortable looks. She lifted her mouth to try to force a grin. The grin you give people you know but don't quite know as if to say "yeah I notice you but I'm not going to say hi or anything."

We then went back and talked to the dr. He told me that everything looked great. Starting next week I need to get my butt region ready for a shot a week until 36 weeks because I start my p17 shots. Oddly enough, I'm excited to start them. In a lot of ways I feel its like juicing my insides up. Putting my uterus on steriods because it just can't seem to do its job on its own.

He also wants us to come back in 3 weeks since he'll be gone at 4. We'll do the autonomy scan then. Please pray for no defects, specifically no intestinal blockages. When we looked the stomach region looked normal but she said typically it doesn't show up til later. So were definitely not in the clear yet.

I "think" we decided on a name. Think because Chase isn't completely sold on the name.

Haven Mae.

I orginally wanted to name her Mae after my grandma Barney but Chase didn't like it as a first name so I decided it would be a middle name. As we were looking online at girl names we saw Haven and the meaning next to it said "safe place". Immediately I knew it was a fit. She is our baby. Finally. Our safe place. Our Haven.

Jayda kept babbling on our way home from the doctors, "I love Haven so much. Let's go to her house. Haven Mae. My sister. I looooove Haven."

My heart has never been fuller then at that moment.