Tornados

When we were trying to get pregnant I frequently had this awful recurring nightmare that Jayda, Chase and I were stuck in the path of a huge tornado. Almost always I lost Jayda in the tornado and was left without any child. I remember one terrible dream I was 6 months pregnant with a second baby and I ended up having it early but couldnt get to the hospital. The tornado came and took that baby away. I felt so horrible and so alone.

Usually in the dreams we were trying to get away from the tornado but it always seemed to catch up to us. No matter how much we tried to plan or were warned it always seemed to just want to come straight for us. One particular dream I was completely alone in a field and a huge tornado was coming my way. It was such a helpless feeling knowing I couldn't do anything to get away.

Since I've been pregnant I haven't had any tornado dreams. Perhaps it was because infertility is such a helpless feeling. And that no matter what we did infertility just seemed to follow us and there was nothing we could do to get away from it.

The day I got my positive I woke up early and googled tornados. So random, I know. I guess the dreams really got to a breaking point and I wanted to know why I was seemingly so subconciously interested in tornados. At that point I had no idea I was pregnant and wouldn't know til the end of the day when AF was being a biatch and taking her sweet time.

I read about what to do if you ever came close to a tornado. FYI, under freeway overpasses are the WORST place to go if a tornado is headed your way. Your welcome. I even watched videos of some of the worst tornados in U.S. history. For some reason I was fascinated by its power and its force. How helpless those people who had no idea about the tornado must have felt.

Last night I dreamt that I was eating Funyuns and drinking a bottle of coke. Talk about riveting! Apparantly, the tides have turned and salty food is on my mind. I've been eating so many doritos I swear this baby is going to come out looking orange.

I'm pleading and begging my subconcious to continue to dream about food and lolipops. At least for the next 7 months!

The Lost Footage

On my facebook there is this page for those in my area to do a "virtual garage sale". People post all kinds of things. So the other day I decided that I was going to post this video camera that has been sitting in our house for literally years. The last time we used it was when Jayda was just home from the NICU. Chase's parents got us an upgraded version so there was just no reason to use it so I decided to just sell it. Before we gave it to the person we sold it to I had to make sure there wasn't anything on the camera. Boy, am I glad I did.
I found over an hour of video of Jayda during the first week of her life, the first time I got to hold her, the first time Chase got to hold her, the first time I got to hold her skin to skin, her first real bath right before heading to Primarys for surgery, and her when she was just 5 months old.

Man, is it easy to forget. It's been almost 3 years since she was born. Looking at pictures is one thing (I have millions of those) but watching a video is a completely different story. All at once those sounds and feelings came right back. Even the smell came rushing back. I still love/hate the smell of hand sanitizer. That smell is associated with good and bad things. Three years down the road I still can't decide if I like it.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would begin to forget what everything meant. What a good sat number was. What the sound of the alarm on the giraffe made when it needed water. That I even know something called a giraffe thats not an animal. The sound her TPN made when it was completed. The sound of the oscillator and the whoosing of the high flow. The feeling of not having her on the monitor and doubting if she was getting enough oxygen when the nurse and I gave her a bath.

It was rough watching the look on my face as they tried to put this little 1lb baby on my chest who's wires weighed more than her. The look was pure terror as I looked at the moniters hoping that she wouldn't die being transfered over to my arms. I remember feeling those things but having it played back to me years down the road makes it feel like yesterday.

And not all of it was bad. It was awesome to see some of my favorite nurses on the video. Man nurse Scarlett and I had a blast matching her bedding up with big over-the-top bows. And nurse Susan's funny side comments. Oh and you can't forget Miquelle running away from the camera because of her huge sun burn she had on her face. Not so lucky for her she was the one to take Jayda up to primarys on her flight and her mom was crazy about documenting it all. And Amy Marshall taking time out of her day to help record me and Scarlett giving her a bath. Those nurses were gold.

I'm not sure if it was a good thing to watch that being pregnant. But for some reason I have a good feeling about everything. Maybe it's ignorance since its been awhile. Perhaps its good its been awhile. And maybe I'm just so grateful that I am just pregnant. Going months after months after months of no positives really puts things into perspective.

And as a side note...I can't believe no one told me how fat I looked. Holy crap buckets I was pushing the limits with those cookies!! Me so hungry.

Blessings

Anyone that reads my blog knows that I use blogging to release pent up feelings that I have. I started out venting about my horrible experience having a micropreemie and then that turned into my battle with secondary infertility. Sometimes I felt like a broken record crying about the same thing over and over again. In fact, I have many drafts I never published because I felt like such a whiner.

Many people have told me that reading my blog has been inspirational for them to stay real throughout this whole experience. Because anyone who has been through this knows that there can be some ugly feelings going through such a lonely journey. No one gets that unless they've been in your shoes. Many people will be quick to judge you and call you an awful jealous, selfish person because you don't want to bask in pregnancy talk 24/7. But luckily you quickly learn (or for some, not so quickly) those people were never your friends. Friends are there for you even on those ugly selfish days. They recognize that not everyone is perfect and that sometimes you just want to give the world the finger.

After my appointment for my IUI I was very depressed. I couldn't believe this was my life. One of my good friends told me that I was due for something good very soon. That after all the crap we have been through something good had to be coming. Little did I know at that very moment a little emby was traveling down my tube getting ready to snuggle in nice and tight.

The past few weeks have been great. I've had a relatively worryfree pregnancy (no bleeding as of yet to speak of). I saw a sweet little bean today on ultrasound who's heart was beating away at 156bpm measuring in at 7weeks 5days. I go in a couple of weeks to get another one to see the heartbeat again.

My hubby got an amazing job working for Farmer's Insurance as an insurance agent. He'll be making double if not triple what we are making now. Some may not know how dark last year was for us (more ways than one) because my hubby got laid off from his job as an Assistant Manager at a bank. So he's been waiting tables at Red Robin. All at once, a job was lined up and he was hired on the spot. He's still working at Red Robin until he gets liscenced and he gets on base salary after he sells his quota of initial clients.

In other good news... I finally graduated with my Bachelor's in Psychology last week. I officially got my grades back today and so it's official! I'm a freaking educated WO-man! I'm going to take a year off (perhaps study and take my GRE in the meantime) and just bask in hopefully a newborn in November or December and then start up grad school next year!

And look at how presh my little girl is? Her and her daddy have been sick the last few days (luckily I have seemed to bypass that....hopefully) and they took a little nap together on the couch. It was cute but I was also eagerly awaiting him waking up so he could get me my Red Robin soup I had been craving since 9 in the morning. BTW the folks at Wendys open at 9am. They've seen me many a morn. Don't judge me!

UTI Fun

Last night I couldn't sleep because of 1. worry 2. cramping on my left side that had been going on for a few days.

My first thought. Oh shiz it's ectopic or a cyst. I tossed and turned all night long. Googled and googled ectopic. Horror stories, really. Literally had me shaking in my little boots because what was some of the risk factors of ectopic? Infertility. Of course. That biatch infertility.

Called right at 8:30 this morning and my dr isn't in all day because of surgeries. And so I talked to his medical assistant Kristi. I started crying when I was talking to her because I was just so worried. She was super understanding and said that she had talked to the doctor and he wanted me to come in and get another beta to see if my levels were funky (common with ectopic) and to get a urine sample.

So I went in and got the blood drawn although we ended up throwing it out later. Went to give a urine sample, looked down and knew right away something was wrong. Sorry if this is TMI but it had chunks in it. I went up to her and said, "Uhh my pee has chunks in it? Is that normal?" Immediately she knew what was wrong.

We went in the back where they have the lab and she was almost certain I had a UTI. She ran it and explained to me how pregnant women are more prone to them because the baby is sitting right on their bladder and hormonal changes during pregnancy don't mix well with a short urethra. So it came up immediately that I had a UTI. Big phew!

She said it was a big problem that I wasn't downing enough fluids either because my kidneys are probably having a hard time not getting enough fluids. I've just been puking a lot. Drinking too much water makes me throw up but I just need to force myself to drink a little at a time. I also got gatorade and cranberry juice.

But if it came right down to it I'd rather be puking and being reassured than feeling great with tons of energy doubting there is even anything in there.

I'm still pretty crampy and tender but hoping that subsides in the next couple of days once the antibiotics set in. I'm so glad I went in and got this figured out and didn't wait for it to travel to my kidneys!

Can't wait til next week to see the little bugger on that screen!

Uterus updated

Sorry I haven't updated lately. My life is so hectic right now. I'm in the middle of finals. Have a toddler and have been watching my friend's 3 month old all day ( I need to create a post about the dynamic between him and Jayda...its just too funny). Plus I've been sick and throwing up. All pleasant things. And no I'm not joking. It's just a lot at once. The poor librarian today got her arse handed to her by hormonal ole me. Of course right when I got home I found the book she accused me of not returning and came back apologizing for yelling at her. Gotta love the ole blaming the hormones trick for being an a-hole.

I guess another reason I haven't updated is I don't know exactly what to say. I know there are so many people who want to be pregnant so badly right now that are reading my blog and it kills me to even mention it. I guess it's the survivor guilt because I refuse to sit here and googoogaga over all things pregnancy. Have no idea what googoogaga means but you get the point.

One thing I can't stand is people who have dealt with inferility, get pregnant and totally forget their journey. They ignore it even existed and refuse to offer support to other women still going through it. It's already such a lonely battle and you can lose many friends along the way but your own IF friends turning their backs and forgetting is a whole other pain.

I hate to admit it but a lot of times when I followed blogs of women who had IF and got pregnant I would click the unfollow button. Not because I wasn't happy for them but just because a lot of times they forgot where they came from and how lonely it is on the other side. They rub in ultrasound pictures, nursery pictures, gender announcements without even an acknowledgment of their infertility.

They are trying to move on. I get that but this is something that is an integral part of your life for so long. I guess its too hard for me to just let go the minute I see two lines. That pain runs a whole lot deeper and that wound won't heal for awhile. Part of me doesn't know if I even want it to heal completely. It keeps you grounded. Keeps you grateful.
Theres this one blogger who just had a baby after 3 failed IUIs, and 2 failed IVFs. She was one person I have loved following because she acknowledges her infertility journey. She has empathy for those still suffering instead of thinking just about her own happiness. She never posted ultrasound pictures or belly pics week by week. Never rubbed her pregnancy in your face and never complained. I looked forward to her posts because she made me laugh and cry all at the same time. Even when we were at such different points in our journey.

She posted this today and it's everything I want to say in just the right words. Gosh, I love this blogger. She's so rad.

http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2012/04/dont-ignore.html

For those wondering. I'm holding up good. I feel SO good about this pregnancy. I firmly believe in the mind body connection. I think that during pregnancy a woman (if tuned in) can communicate with her body unconciously about what is happening inside her. Crazy I know, but I believe that if a woman is looking she can know if something is just not right. Right when I found out I was pregnant with Jayda I had a feeling something was off. That grew as the weeks went by. I spotted on and off and just felt like something was wrong. Even when ultrasounds and blood tests showed everything was perfect. Everyone EVERYONE called me paranoid, but I was right. Something was wrong.

This time around it feels different. I feel so good. I haven't spotted at all. I've been so sick but loving every second of it (ok not loving but loving the reassurance). I'm not worried about whether eating Subway will kill the baby or whether taking a hot bath is boiling the baby to death. What I do worry slightly about is things out of my control. Not even worry but more cautiously optomistic. I feel like after writing this post I need to find some wood and knock on it.

I just don't want to get too excited because its still too early but can't help but fantasize how this could really be it. How I can finally have my family more complete.

For the most part I feel peace and I wonder how that is, but thankful for it all at the same time. Maybe I worked so hard for this that no matter what happens it will seem like a triumph. Like something really went right for once. That I had a baby growing inside me for at least a few weeks instead of worrying about cervical mucus and ovulation dates.

The day after I got my positive I got right in the next day for a BETA. The first BETA was 1005 which is amazing. The second BETA was 2356. Way awesome since they like it to double every 48 hours. I have an ultrasound on May 8th. My dr said to schedule it for 2 weeks but I scheduled it for 3 because next week is finals and if something is wrong I just don't want to know. The old Ashley would have been tortured by waiting an extra week.

Until then I am blissfully ignorant and for once hoping God will let me stay that way.

My Thoughts Assembled. Sorta.

One thing that has drove me crazy about some IF bloggers is the minute they get pregnant they forget who's reading their blog. They are so thrilled about their BFP that they forget there are several women out there that have never seen a BFP for years. Friends have come and gone. Left and forgotten. And they are still not in "the club". It's lonely and half your heart is happy and half of it is sad.

I get it.

You are happy but it seems to always happen on the wrong day. The day you finally feel strong enough to venture out you see another triumph. Another BFP. Another day you aren't pregnant.

Infertility is literally a battle. It feels like you're fighting a wall of barriers. Then the minute you get past that you find another barrier. Then another. Then another. It's exhausting. Mentally, spiritually, physically.

When you see another woman plow through her barrier and win the battle....(although the war is not won until you see that precious babe in your arms) you feel happy thats one less person fighting the battle, but makes you feel that much more alone. That much more defeated. That much more defected. That much more behind.

I'm not going to go through all the hoopla of what happened today.

What I will say is I have never felt so grateful in my entire life (besides of course Jader bug). The minute I found out I started sobbing. I ran down the street like a crazy person. Found a friend hugged and sobbed on her shoulder. Found another friend and sobbed on her shoulder. I felt like I won the Olympics.

But I felt like I cheated.

I think its easy to say that it's because we "stopped stressing." There are so many women that take breaks and this doesn't happen.

I distinctly remember the conversation I had at the end of my appointment with my doctor.

Dr. C: What if you're pregnant?!
Me: I'll cry. No, because then people will just tell me "see ALL you had to do was stop stressing". Yeah? I'm gonna pop ya in the mouth.
Dr. C.: Well ya know theres times when some of my patients will take a couple months off for things like surgery (pointing at me) and they come back with their positives. We can't explain it. Do we take credit for that? Did it happen because of the meds and they just needed to do it on their own? And although it could happen you still have a small chance of concieving on your own.

So although I think that doing it on my own helped I didn't stress any less (I really don't stress). In fact my doctor said on a scale of 1 to 10 of stressing I was a 3 and he said he gets 9 and 10s in his office all the time. I know that if I didn't go on those meds I would not be pregnant right now. I know that it helped regulate me and my body just wanted to do it on it's own without all the hormones. Or something. I can't explain it.

I feel like I'm in a dream. Floating on a cloud but scared that cloud is going to disepate and I'll be left slamming to the ground.

I couldn't sleep last night. I left the two tests I took by my pillow so I knew when I woke up I hadn't dreamt this like the millions of times I had.

And to all my IF blogger pals. I'm not going to say it'll happen in Gods time. That doesn't help the pain. I'm not going to say its because I took a break. Many of you are on breaks. I'm not going to say its because I was positive. Some of you women are some of the most positive, inspiring women I've "met".  I'm not going to say its because I did some crazy remedy. Stopped doing that a long time ago.

I will say no matter what happens. I'll never forget. I'll never complain. I'll never take one day of this pregnancy for granted. I look forward to the day I barf all day long. The day I look like a beached whale. Please God let me look like a beached whale! The day I get my p17 shot in the butt every week. Knowing each day is Gold.

I'm so scared.  I'll stick it in my box and hope to never have to come and sort through the what ifs. Or the what ifs turned into reality. But I know if I do you all will be there to help me through it.

I guess its our turn...

I'm pregnant.

Holy shiz balls.

Wasn't expecting that.

In shock.

The one month we took off. Don't you dare tell me its because I stopped stressing because I'll chop your gonads off.

Looks like I'm due in December but will have the baby in November.

Definatly not in the clear.

Mixed emotions.

Happy. Excited. Shocked. Nervous. Guilty (that I know so many wonderful women struggling still), Scared Shizless.

I'll report back when I sort through my emotions and stop shaking.

I keep looking at those two lines wondering if I'm going to wake up from this dream and land back into infertility hell.