Lifes Changes

I know...I know. I'm the worst blogger of all time! I havent stepped on my bitch box for awhile and honestly I kinda miss it. Tear.

First, I need to express my guilt in not blogging at all about my kids milestones, because I know everyone is dying to know whether my kids are better than yours. No need to read any further. They are.

All joking aside, I do feel really bad I havent blogged anything about Havens first year. I bitched and complained about getting her and then I just let blogging fall by the wayside. I'm reminded of hpw I used to chastise my mom for never making a baby book for me, the fourth child. Now I know why she stopped after the second. Ya just aint got time for that!

Haven is such a sweet little baby. Haven and I have a special connection that I cant even explain. We just are in sync with eachother and she is a complete mama's girl. I joke with Chase all the time that Jayda is exactly like me in every way possible and Haven is like Chase in every way possible. Both Jayda and I are very independent, high strong, we have big attitudes,a big sense of humor that can get obnoxious at times, very sentimental, and you will NEVER tell us what to do. As a result Jayda and I can have personality clashes at times.

On the other hand, Haven is like Chase in that she is super chill, loves to eat, loves to observe people, and loves cuddles and touch. Haven looks a lot more like Chase and Jayda looks a lot like me. It's like we have our mini me. And as a result, Jayda is a huge daddys girl and Haven is a huge mommys girl. Its like we're all a perfect balance. I feel utterly complete.

I can't believe that in just one week Haven will be ONE YEAR OLD!!! She is getting so big! We all have colds right now (besides Chase of course!). We went in to the drs this week and everyone got weighed. Jayda was 25.9lbs (up from 24lbs in May!!) and Haven was 19.9 lbs. Soon she is going to pass up Jayda with that huge butt of hers! I wont say how much I weigh....plus drs scales suck and dont work for adults...am I right?!

Haven started crawling about a month ago. She is so chill that she was just content on watching the world go about around her. She especially loves watching her big sissy who she just calls "Ja". Its so cute to see her first thing in the morning (except when its butt freaking early) and she just nuzzles her little face in my boobs. Chase especially likes the boob nuzzles he gets from her. Extra special moments I'm sure.

After the morning boob nuzzles she will get a big grin on her face and start waving at Jayda if she is in the room. Jayda is so good to her sister and loves to give her hugs. She'll give her a huge hug and look her right in her eyes and say, "Ohh I just love you SO much havey. You're my best good sissy." But if Haven dares touches ANYTHING of hers the devil will come out. Sometimes that little booger will just take anything Haven can find and say its hers. To irritate me I'm sure. ;)

Haven playing peekaboo with daddy. One of her favorite games.

Jayda is crazy funny! Some of the things she says is HILARIOUS and I wonder where she gets it from. The other day she drew a picture of me. She drew my face, my legs, my arms, and then she drew my butt as a big thick line. Then she drew Chase and drew all the same things except a smaller butt and then a vertical line over the butt. I asked her what the line was being very afraid of the answer. She said, "Duh mom its his line!" I said, "Oh his butt crack?" She then said, "Uhh no its that thing that makes him go pee! (as she sways back in forth while holding something in front of her)."

She is going to be a handful when she is a teenager thats for sure. She already has such an attitude and she often puts her hand on one hip, rolls her eyes, and says "duhhhh..moooom." I'm scared if this is a miniture version of what she is going to be when she is a teenager.

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This is Jayda when she put all of her boy stuffed animals in one group and the girl stuffed animals in another. She then said with her Jayda-tude, "NO BOYS ALLOWED!"

We have our special moments for sure though. We love to go on hiking adventures together, just us two. She loves nature and to feel brave hiking with her mama. She also loves learning and asking questions. If I could instill two things in her its those two things. I don't ever want her to think that if she asks questions its a bad thing. You should never supress your doubts or questions about anything because questions are a gateway to learning and greater understanding. Great discoveries have occured as a result of questions about the world. As a result, we go to the library and check out books every week. I've read 4 books in the last couple of weeks and Jayda gets at least 5 books each time we go. Usually she loves to get books about bugs. She is really into ants and we learn all about them. And really ants are freaking fascinating!! We also get books about morals and one of her other favorite things is Egyptian Gods and mummies.

I'm not gonna lie Haven has been a huge break from Jayda's first few years. I still think out of the two Jayda is still the most difficult and time consuming. Not that I don't love her spirit and her go get em attitude but it can be quite draining. I don't know how many times we've had "code adams" called in the grocery stores. A couple of months ago after one specific episode that almost gave me a heart attack I said THAT IS IT! We are getting her a leash! So I went right away to Target and got her one of those gosh awful child leashes. We had to use it a few times and I felt people's eye staring at me when I would take her out in public like that. At that point I didnt care, I was so sick of losing her in the store. And when we would lose her for 10 minutes at a time I would think how I already wanted to chop the balls off the sick psycho who may have kidnapped her. Worst nightmare of my life. We only had to use it for awhile as she finally got how humiliating it was for her and realized she had much more freedom if she just stayed by us. We havent had to use it for weeks...thank goodness!

This explains pretty much the day to day at our house. Kid screaming in the background and the baby like what the....

Anyways, thats part of my crazy life. I'm just now starting to get my energy back from Haven's newborn time (well before we got our colds that it). As a result, I am going to be blogging a lot more. I have experienced so much change in my life this past year...good and bad. Things that I may not be open to sharing just yet. Things that are incredibly personal in my life. Its caused hurt and pain and anger that I cannot even begin to express. It's been somewhat like losing an old friend. At first you're angry and bitter...betrayed really but then you learn that your life is so much less toxic without that said friend. Moving on has been hurtful, but much needed. Maybe one day I'll be open to sharing, but I'm just not feeling up to being that vulnerable and open to criticism in my life just yet. Who knows if I'll ever be in that spot. Eventually it will be obvious to those around us. No I'm not gay, getting a sex change or getting a divorce.

Right now though, I feel like my family is in the best spot possible. We've grown so much together as a family, and Chase and I as a couple. We've been able to open up and express things about our lives and thoughts that we felt we couldnt express to each other before. We've grown as an authentic couple expressing our good and bad qualities without judgment and without shame and guilt. It's the best spot we've ever been in our lives even though some people who may not know our situation may judge and paint our lives as somewthing its not. I've learned that I have to be my authentic self completely, whether it hurts or pains others because I'm not going down their path. My path is beautiful and unique, and although I may not have all the answers to where my path leads its a mysterious journey were willing and ready to take.

No I'm not dying. I'm finally living!