Lots of updates and some exciting news!!

I'm so exhausted.

If I see another drs office I think I might vomit.

This weekend we went up north for Jayda's endocronologist appt to check to see why she isnt growing very well. They had us get an x-ray of her hand to tell her bone age. This pretty much tells whether she is small because she is immature or small because she is just small. Turns out that her bone age is a tinge off but overall right on track for her age. So even though her height is the height of a 2 year old (34inches) and her weight is the weight for an 18 month old (23.6lbs) she is not malnourished or immature in any way. Thats obviously a huge relief. They still want to put her on growth hormones to speed up her height but have to have it approved through insurance. In order to approve it through insurance we have to prove she was IUGR (intrauterine growth restricted) as a baby. Who in the heck knows why but thats just what the dr said.

To top it off she caught bronchiolitis from her cousins (not their fault we really had to go to that appt and they were the only people we could stay with) and we think she may have a UTI (just waiting for labs). Long story short, it was a long weekend.

Then today I had my 32 week appt. I know 32 weeks!!!! I had my last cervical ultrasound check and it was still long but had shortened a bit (3.0) but he said at this point it can start to naturally shorten anyways which is why he doesn't check it again unless I show signs of preterm labor. Also, we saw a FULL head of hair on ultrasound today! She's gonna have A LOT of hair because it was long and full! Crazy how you can see it!

We also talked about how early we are going to do my c-section. Prior to our conversation my understanding was that he was going to take me at 37 or 38 weeks because of my incision on my uterus but apparantly he said he's not going to do it until 39 weeks unless I a. go into labor myself or b. have issues. He said he's not counting on 39 weeks though which is why he's not going to schedule it for now. He doesn't think I'll make it.

I'd love to make it that far but also hope I come at 37 or 38 weeks naturally because I just get anxious things could go wrong at the last minute. Then he said, well your chances of stillbirth in this pregnancy is so low..less than 1%. I then said, "Didn't you just get done telling me that you've seen 3 of your patients get bells palsy? If something wierd is going to happen, its going to happen to me." Couldn't argue with that. So if I do make it past 36 or 37 I'll be going in twice weekly to monitor the baby really just to calm my anxieties which he said is completely normal to have for people like me that have had trauma in other pregnancies.

I have been having a bit of blood pressure issues. Today it was 143/97 but there is no protein in my urine so no pre-e. Just high blood pressure. He said that the steriods I took could contribute to that too (also why I've gained so much weight recently and have swelled up like crazy). And it could just be normal 3rd trimester high blood pressure as my body puts more pressure trying to support the baby. So they will moniter me every week from here on out just to make sure there is no pre-e. So overall, we're just trucking along.

Also my bells is slowly going away. I still have tons of tearing in my eye but I have more closure and my mouth and tongue has improved. I still do not look normal by any means but there is a definite improvement which is a good sign that things will fully recover.

*******In other exciting news...recently I was contacted by a girl who is a group owner on a ttc message board saying that the editor of the online infertility/baby loss magazine called Still Standing wants me to be a monthly contributor! So starting in November my articles will go live the last tuesday of every month. I was kinda shocked that anyone like that reads my blog...especially since I feel like my story compared to others writing for the magazine is kinda dwarfed. So to say I feel a little out of my league as far as how much I'll contribute is an understatment.

Overall, though I'm excited to write about my experiences. I feel like just because I'm pregnant and about to give birth doesn't mean I don't still suffer through my journey of having a micropreemie and infertility. Those scars go deep and they don't heal overnight or by seeing those two lines blaring at me. In fact, it makes me feel more vulnerable. I guess I won't feel completely safe until I have her in my arms. Even then a whole new set of worrying comes into play. Oh the joys of parenting. The worrying may lessen over time but never goes completely away.