Prepartum Blues.

I can't believe I am almost out of the 20's and into the 30's! I cannot believe that in possibly less than 2 months I'll have my baby in my arms...FINALLY! And that I'll be able to have a baby without wires and tubes. A baby who knows how to suck, swallow, and breathe. A baby who actually comes home with me!

Hopefully.

But...lately I've felt a sense of anxiety and dread. Don't get me wrong...I'm so excited to have Haven here. If I could snap my fingers to 2 months away I would in a second. I'm just terrified that I'm going to go from one kid to two and not going to be able to handle it.I'm terrified that I won't love this baby as much as Jayda or that I'll be so exhausted that I won't want to spend time with Jayda. I'm terrified I'm going to have to do a lot of it alone since Chase will be working 2 jobs until Janurary or Feburary. I'm terrified that I'm going to have another colicky refluxy baby that never sleeps. I'm terrified that I'll have PPD again.

Trust me, I'm glad this is all I'm worried about but I've grown increasingly anxious as the weeks go by and things become more real. Luckily this time I know what to look for if I do experience any PPD symptoms. With Jayda I just thought I was a terrible mother. I didn't realize I had suffered from PPD until I took one of my psychology classes and came to the realization that I had all of those symptoms. Granted I think I had a bit of PTSD as well since my experience wasn't the norm or something that should make you happy. The problem was I didnt experience those symptoms until 3 months after Jaydas birth and when she came home. But then again PTSD doesn't usually present itself until 3 months after a traumatic event. So makes sense.

Sometimes I imagine what my birth experience will be like this time around. Is it going to be everything I wanted and wished it to be? How long will it be until I see her and get to hold her? Will it be an emergency or something that I'll look forward to with excitement? I've learned from experience not to get your hopes up or to exepect rainbows and butterflies because then you set yourself up for heartache.

I've also been more jumpy and anxious in general. Lately I've had thoughts of horrible things happening. Like me falling down the stairs on my belly and hurting Haven. Jayda getting abducted out of her room at night. Chase dying in a car accident on his way to work. Some serial killer whos victim type is young pregnant women coming to kill me. Sounds crazy right. I don't know if its a pregnant thing because I'm usually not this jumpy but its starting to freak me out. Perhaps its a little bit of prepartum blues?

I've recently changed my diet. For the most part I've eaten really crappy this pregnancy (whoops) and as a result have gained like 35lbs already! Yikes! Its just been hard because I've stayed down as much as possible just to take it easy and not overdo anything. As a result I've been a lazy fat arse! haha So this week when I went shopping I got all the healthy stuff I used to eat.

I've also been eating more veggies and fruits. I'm limiting my carb and salt intake and tried getting out more especially now that my contractions have stopped. I've also gone back to what I was doing before I got pregnant. Big breakfast, snack, medium lunch, snack, (limit starches after 2), small dinner, small nightime snack. I feel like I have a lot more energy just in the last couple of days of doing this. Hopefully this will help my pregnancy blues since I've felt tired this whole pregnancy.