*Video of Haven's birth and Apgar Test

Well, can't say I'm on open book. Here is the video of my last set of contractions when Haven was born and then put on my chest. Its shot from my shoulder so its not "that" graphic but if you have a weak stomach then you better skip this one and just watch Haven's apgar score test.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWSz3u9UlwU&feature=youtu.be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jJ_qnzWjia8&feature=youtu.be

And some more pics...

This is Diane and Correy. They were the main ones that helped me before I went into the birthing room. Diane kept me calm and breathing through my contractions and poor Correy is a nursing student doing his rounds on L&D and I was his first birth he saw (besides his own wife) but he helped keep my mind off the contractions by chatting. He was also the one that helped Chase give me a blessing. This was right after NICU checked her out and put her back on my chest.

This is Haven after they got her settled into her new little home. She's getting tube fed right now until I start breastfeeding which we're hoping will be in the next week or so. She definetely shows signs of wanting food. When her feed is due she gets fussy and goes to town on her binki. Then the minute the food hits her stomach she zonks out. So thats always a great sign! My milk is in now so she is going to be getting my mommy milk instead of mainly donor milk.

Haven is doing great. Its pretty much just a waiting game at this point, but she shows progress everyday. She has done everything textbook for 33 weekers at this point and the NICU vet in me is waiting for the other shoe to drop since I'm not used to such a boring preemie.

She's still in an incubator (she could be in an isollete but thats the bed they had at the time) and is getting closer to on open crib...were hoping in the next week when she starts gaining back her birth weight.

Jayda still hasn't met her yet since she is still coughing but I think its for the best for now since I'm sure its scary to see her in the incubator anyways. Shes so excited to see her and has been carrying a baby doll around and pretending its Haven. It kinda breaks my heart a little bit.

Her bili was a little high so they started her on phototherapy today. She HATED that they stole her bean bag privellages and put glasses on her eyes. So the nurse put her on her tummy and she immediately zonked out.

She's up to 27mls of milk (over half of what will be considered full feeds) and tolerating it well. Pooping a lot! Totally not used to that since we didnt see poop with Jayda for about 2 months since she had the blockage.

Me=tired. Its so much harder to do this having a germy 3 year old and a hubby that works 2 jobs and having to pump 8 times a day but luckily we have tons of help. Hopefully these next few weeks go by quick because I nearly broke down when I came home without her. That feeling sucks so bad! I miss that cute little girl when I leave but shes so perfect. We just cant wait til we are all together.

Little Miss Haven Mae Is HERE!!

When you make plans...God laughs...or so I've learned. Apparantly so did Haven.

As I sit here in my post partum room, I'm filled with so much joy but a tug of saddness since my baby isn't by my side but oh how different it is this time around. So who could complain?

It all happened so fast. So so fast. ************************************************************************************* WARNING NOT FOR MEN (or men with weak stomaches) OR VIRGIN EYES

Halloween night we were going to take Jayda trick or treating but she was throwing her guts up so we just called it an early night (she has RSV...talk about bad timing!. Apparantly that was a blessing in disguise or who knows I would have had her Halloween night.

I remember telling Chase later that night that I felt so nauseous and maybe had what Jayda had, but went to bed and didn't think much of it.

2.am. I wake up to a little gush and I realize I had a little bit of wetness on my underwear, but silly me thinks I just peed myself. I'm further along so I thought the weight of the baby caused it. Durrrrr. Didn't have any more gushes so I went back to sleep.

Throughout the night I felt what I thought was gas pains, but not unbearable pain. I've had pains like this my whole pregnancy and every time it was just constipation issues so didn't think much of it.

6a.m. The gas pains get worse and then I realized the pain is coming and going. Not good. I tried to go to the bathroom to see if that helped and it didn't.

6:45 a.m.- Chase is upstairs with Jayda who is busy getting up early hacking up a storm. He comes downstairs and I tell him I think I'm in labor and we need to go. By this time it was pretty obvious I was in labor since I was contracting every couple minutes and could barely walk or talk through them.

Get to L&D and get set up right away since they saw how much pain I was in. Its about 7a.m. by this time. I'm in so much pain I want to scream...and I did. Yes, I was one of "those".

Chase took Jayda home and called my MIL to come stay with her. I think that was the quickest I'd ever seen Karen get anywhere because he was back in no time.

They did an amniosure to see if my water broke (negative...later told it was a false negative since Dr. Ott told me I was definetely already ruptured. And they checked to see if I was dialated and I was at a 2 (which btw was the MOST PAINFUL THING EVER since I had a posterior cervix and the nurse was practically digging into my cervix). Got my steriod shot, and my nefidepine (double dose). I had Chase and one of the nurses Corey (who Chase knew and grew up with) give me a quick priesthood blessing which made me feel better (emotionally not physically). Then we sent Chase to get my p17 shot at home since I was due for it that day (later ended up in my purse unused...didnt need it at that point.)

Dr. Ott rolls in and says looks like baby is coming, if not today then in the next couple of days. We'll try to get those steriods in and just wait it out, but by the amount of pain you are in..looks like shes going to be here today.

Jaws drop. Eff no. I'm still not far along enough. Damn uterus.

Contractions continue. I said to the nurses (who btw were just angels... and were by my side about the entire time helping keeping me calm and watching her closely since with every contraction she was deceling badly. At one point we slowly lost her heartbeat. I started flipping out and yelled, "GET HER BACK! GET HER BACK!" After the contraction ended she came back up, but I think I still shat a little in my pants.

I then said get me some freaking nubang and put me on a CLOUD...figuring if I was in less pain I would calm down and so would she, but my nurse who was named Diane (and who btw I could tell was an "all natural" type of L&D nurse) said I couldnt yet because she was in distress and if she was born it would be worse for her. They had the meds in their hands but decided to check me first since I said I felt like I needed to go to the restroom. They said if I hadnt progressed much then she would give me the meds. Not so. I was a 9!

By that time tons of nurses swarmed in. Go get Dr. Ott. She's a 9! They wheel me out and instead of taking me to the OR to get my c-section that I was advised OVER and OVER again by the drs that I needed because of my high risk of uterine rupture they instead take me to a birthing room.

Both Chase and I are freaking out. NO NO NO she needs a c-section. What are you doing?

Nurse: Oh no she's not. We wouldnt even have time to set her up. She's having this baby NOW! Me: No pain meds? My uterus is going to rupture! Ott: Well we're gonna have this baby. Let me suit up and we'll start pushing! Me: What about my c-section? Ott: We don't have time. And your risk of uterine rupture is about 25%. Me:(in my head) ohhhhhh ok such GOOD chances. Silly me! (but at that point I was in so much pain I just wanted it over!) I pushed for about 20 minutes. She came so fast I didn't have time to stretch. With every contraction her head would start to come and then suck back in. She was still in distress so Ott said I hate to do this but I need to cut you because we need to get her out right away.

At that point it was just a relief. I could feel him cutting me but honestly was like a pin prick compared to the pain I was feeling. They kept saying, "There's her head, next contraction!" LIARS! I kept saying I just cannot do this and they kept saying YES you can. I thought my head was going to explode all over the wall!

I was not mentally prepared for all this. A. To have the baby at all B. To have her vaginally C. To have her med free

So of course I was screaming and cursing. But once she was out the pain was gone! And the most amazing thing happened. They put her right on my chest and she was screaming! They took her away to get checked out after I said hello and NICU said she was doing great (which I knew the names of everyone in the room from NICU haha)! She weighed 4lbs 4oz and was 18 1/2 inches but had major cone head so probably wasn't that tall.

They handed her back to me wrapped up in her blanket and she looked absolutely perfect. A totally different experience than last time. She was so alert, just staring wide eyes at me.

Even though she was 7 weeks early Chase and I got to hold her for about 30 minutes before they took her off to NICU. She hasnt needed any breathing assistance and will be in the NICU probably for a few weeks before she can come home because she needs to learn how to eat and grow a bit more.

Chase was so happy. You could tell her was on the verge of an anxiety attack the whole time but after he had the normal daddy experience and was filled with joy as well...he even teared up a bit. I'm so glad he got his normal daddy birth experience as well.

She is so precious and I love her! She's already sucking great on her binki and we're hoping by next week we can start non-nutrative feeding (pump before and let her try to breastfeed.) Right now she is getting whatever I can pump and donor milk until my milk comes in.

Sure full term was ideal but such is life. It was the birth I never thought I'd get. I was completely content. I felt normal for once and although I'm going home without her I know I'll take her home. I'm not going home wondering if they are going to call me in teh middle of the night to tell me she had another episode and they had to bag her for 15 minutes before they got her again. So now that I've been on the flip side I can tell you with a certainty that haing a micro is a WHOLE lot different than having a later preemie. Without a doubt. Sure it still sucks (who wants their baby in the NICU) but I'll take a feeder/grower over a micro any day of the week.

Jayda is sick so she can't meet her just yet but she is SO excited and cant wait to meet baby Haven. She asked me if Haven was out of my belly and she could come to the "hospitable" to come see her. My mom and Chases mom are sick so they have to stay away but her health is way more important than whether they can meet her. I feel bad that they dont get the normal grandparent moment but even if she was term and they were sick they wouldn't get to come either so unfortunately it was just tis the season to be sick. Hopefully I dont get sick. What a bummer that would be!

I have a video of my birth that I'll post when I can. Chase got a little woosey so he took it from my shoulder so you cant see much except for when she comes out but its still so awesome and I'm glad he got it filmed. I just keep watching it over and over and cry everytime with part joy at what a beautiful moment it was and half so proud that I made it through alive (both of us).

Lots of updates and some exciting news!!

I'm so exhausted.

If I see another drs office I think I might vomit.

This weekend we went up north for Jayda's endocronologist appt to check to see why she isnt growing very well. They had us get an x-ray of her hand to tell her bone age. This pretty much tells whether she is small because she is immature or small because she is just small. Turns out that her bone age is a tinge off but overall right on track for her age. So even though her height is the height of a 2 year old (34inches) and her weight is the weight for an 18 month old (23.6lbs) she is not malnourished or immature in any way. Thats obviously a huge relief. They still want to put her on growth hormones to speed up her height but have to have it approved through insurance. In order to approve it through insurance we have to prove she was IUGR (intrauterine growth restricted) as a baby. Who in the heck knows why but thats just what the dr said.

To top it off she caught bronchiolitis from her cousins (not their fault we really had to go to that appt and they were the only people we could stay with) and we think she may have a UTI (just waiting for labs). Long story short, it was a long weekend.

Then today I had my 32 week appt. I know 32 weeks!!!! I had my last cervical ultrasound check and it was still long but had shortened a bit (3.0) but he said at this point it can start to naturally shorten anyways which is why he doesn't check it again unless I show signs of preterm labor. Also, we saw a FULL head of hair on ultrasound today! She's gonna have A LOT of hair because it was long and full! Crazy how you can see it!

We also talked about how early we are going to do my c-section. Prior to our conversation my understanding was that he was going to take me at 37 or 38 weeks because of my incision on my uterus but apparantly he said he's not going to do it until 39 weeks unless I a. go into labor myself or b. have issues. He said he's not counting on 39 weeks though which is why he's not going to schedule it for now. He doesn't think I'll make it.

I'd love to make it that far but also hope I come at 37 or 38 weeks naturally because I just get anxious things could go wrong at the last minute. Then he said, well your chances of stillbirth in this pregnancy is so low..less than 1%. I then said, "Didn't you just get done telling me that you've seen 3 of your patients get bells palsy? If something wierd is going to happen, its going to happen to me." Couldn't argue with that. So if I do make it past 36 or 37 I'll be going in twice weekly to monitor the baby really just to calm my anxieties which he said is completely normal to have for people like me that have had trauma in other pregnancies.

I have been having a bit of blood pressure issues. Today it was 143/97 but there is no protein in my urine so no pre-e. Just high blood pressure. He said that the steriods I took could contribute to that too (also why I've gained so much weight recently and have swelled up like crazy). And it could just be normal 3rd trimester high blood pressure as my body puts more pressure trying to support the baby. So they will moniter me every week from here on out just to make sure there is no pre-e. So overall, we're just trucking along.

Also my bells is slowly going away. I still have tons of tearing in my eye but I have more closure and my mouth and tongue has improved. I still do not look normal by any means but there is a definite improvement which is a good sign that things will fully recover.

*******In other exciting news...recently I was contacted by a girl who is a group owner on a ttc message board saying that the editor of the online infertility/baby loss magazine called Still Standing wants me to be a monthly contributor! So starting in November my articles will go live the last tuesday of every month. I was kinda shocked that anyone like that reads my blog...especially since I feel like my story compared to others writing for the magazine is kinda dwarfed. So to say I feel a little out of my league as far as how much I'll contribute is an understatment.

Overall, though I'm excited to write about my experiences. I feel like just because I'm pregnant and about to give birth doesn't mean I don't still suffer through my journey of having a micropreemie and infertility. Those scars go deep and they don't heal overnight or by seeing those two lines blaring at me. In fact, it makes me feel more vulnerable. I guess I won't feel completely safe until I have her in my arms. Even then a whole new set of worrying comes into play. Oh the joys of parenting. The worrying may lessen over time but never goes completely away.

Day From Hell- Bells Palsy

This is what I look like. And not usually. Trust me I've been asked just today if I'm ok. Man people like to stare and have zero shame. I guess I don't blame them though. I probably would too. But I'm rude like that.

So starting Sunday night I started to have really watery eyes but nothing terrible. Just thought I was tired.

Next day (monday) I wake up and my eyes were acting crazy. When I was driving Jayda to preschool I felt like something was off. It felt like when you've been inside all day and you step into the sun and your eyes arent used to the light. Except it wasnt going away. It kinda freaked me out.

When it got progressively worse throughout the day I also noticed that my tongue was completely numb.

I started to swell really bad as well so I was worried about pre-e. I checked my BP and it was 138/92 so a tad high. I called my OB nurse and she talked to the dr and wanted me to go into L&D just to be safe.

So off we went.

No pre-e. Thank gosh. Urine=no protein. Blood=good. Couldn't figure it out. They called in the OB hospitalist and it was this very blunt tiny asian lady. I thought she was such a hoot. She looked at me with this wierd look and asked me to smile. She cocked her head and looked at me like I was a freak. She asked me if I looked like that usually. I felt like she thought she was stepping on a line because who knows if this freak usually looks like this. I hadnt looked in a mirror so I was kind of confused. She kept saying, "i'll get you a mirror. Let me go get a mirror."

She left and I decided to go to the bathroom. I smiled in the mirror and just busted up laughing. It was bad.

She came back in and I immediately said, "Holy shit, I just looked at my face and NO that is not normal." She just laughed and said I mean I didnt know...but it looks like you may have Bells Palsy.

Baby looked great. Bells Palsy doesnt effect the pregnancy thankfully. But then there was nothing they could do since its not OB related anymore. They wanted me to go to instacare to get looked at to get treated.

Went to instacare and they didn't want to touch me with a 10 ft pole. So they sent me to the ER.

Go to ER tell them my symptoms...one of which was facial paralysis. I've never been taken back so fast. Coo with me. They thought I was maybe having a stroke since thats a symptom of a stroke.

Got seen right away. Diagnosed me wiht Bells not stoke. Sent me home and said to come back if anything else was numb besides my face.

5am Right arm was tingling. Hands very swollen and weak. Freaking out I was having a stroke. Went back to ER.

Get evaluated. Still think its just Bells. Order MRI just in case. Had to wait 2 1/2 hours for it to become available. Have bloody discharge. Baby looked good though. MRI came back normal. Sent me packing finally at 10am.

OB appt at 1. Baby doing great. Now 3 lbs 5oz (40th percentile), and cervix long (3.45). Given the OK to take steriods and antivirals to help treat. Asked to come back Friday to follow up.

Neurologist appt at 3. Confirmed again just bells. Cant tell me why I'm so swollen and hands weak and arm tingling. Send me over to the lab just to run additional tests to rule out other possible diagnoses.

Run to pharamacy to get meds.

Needless to say I'm exhausted. I look like a pirate. All I'm missing is the eye patch. I also am so swollen I look like a water buffalo. I can't close my right eye so I have to manually do it. Tonight I'll have to tape it shut. I have no control over the whole right side of my face. Watching me suck out of a straw is comical. At least to me. I have continuous runny nose or bloody nose just on the one right nostril. And I can't look in the mirror without either laughing or crying hysterically. Ok no crying just laughing. Maybe I'm in denial?

I guess through all of this. I'll take a jacked up face over pre-e and delivering early. I'm not sure if thats just pure desperation or motherly love.

So for another day I'm pregnant and thats all I care about.

Unrealistic Expectations

Pregnancy after infertility can be confusing sometimes. When I was trying to get pregnant I was a part of an online community of women who were actively trying to get pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I felt an overwelming amount of guilt especially because some of those women have been there for YEARS and havent even seen a positive test ever or whos disappeared after a few days.

There's nothing more awkward then saying, "Opps nevermind thanks for the kind words about my upcoming IUI but we got pregnant on our own. :/"

Luckily there is a graduates board for the women who have gotten pregnant and we are able to share our concerns and feelings about this guilt. For the most part I've found that its an overwelming amount of infertiles gone fertile that set unrealistic expectations about how they should feel.

I liken infertility to watching a party from the outside looking in. There are all kinds of people at the party. Ones that don't want to be there. Ones that want EVERYONE to know they are there. Ones that have been there one too many times.

All the while you look on in jealousy. Perhaps a little bitter. And not even bitter at the people at the party, but bitter at yourself. And maybe a little bitter that some people at the party are quick to forget about you. Bitter that they dont even care. They just party on and just look on at you with pity and sometimes its easier for them just to turn their back on you because its easier to shut out things that make them feel uncomfortable. Then they even have the GALL to complain about the noise level, the lighting, the food, the drinks and tell you that you aren't missing out.

Then the day comes. You are thrust into the party. You stick one foot in with excitment and anticipation. You've dreamed about entering this door for so long. Afraid that at any given moment the universe will see you there and throw you out. You feel awkward being there. It's like being at a party you weren't invited to. You feel incredibly grateful to be there but you don't feel like the normal guest. You don't belong let alone even think about complaining about the party.

Sometimes the events we have in our mind just dont turn out the way we expected. When you get in there you realize wow that music is pretty loud. The food, eh, not my favorite, but who am I to complain? I wanted this. For. so. long. And the other guests want to keep reminding you about that.

Personally, I can't relate much to the complaints. I like the noise level. I like the food. I love the lighting. Its better than being outside looking in. But then again, last time I was at the party I was thrown out early and all I wanted to do was go back to the party and complain about trivial things instead of being at that nightmare afterparty.

Although this is my personal feeling, its not necessarily the norm. As a whole this sets unrealistic expectations for infertile fertiles. Opens the door to PPD. Opens the door to more heartache that they don't deserve.

Then the guests that shunned you and forgot about you are suddenly your friends again. There to support you which makes you feel even worse. You just want to say, "Where were you during my struggle and why do you expect to be here now that I'm successful?" You don't want to party with them because at the heart of it you know they wont be there for you if you get thrown out again. You put up an artifical front. Smile and wave but you know you can never fully trust those people again.

It's easy to say party on girl! You are finally here. But you cant help but look out and see your friends standing out in the rain.

Prepartum Blues.

I can't believe I am almost out of the 20's and into the 30's! I cannot believe that in possibly less than 2 months I'll have my baby in my arms...FINALLY! And that I'll be able to have a baby without wires and tubes. A baby who knows how to suck, swallow, and breathe. A baby who actually comes home with me!

Hopefully.

But...lately I've felt a sense of anxiety and dread. Don't get me wrong...I'm so excited to have Haven here. If I could snap my fingers to 2 months away I would in a second. I'm just terrified that I'm going to go from one kid to two and not going to be able to handle it.I'm terrified that I won't love this baby as much as Jayda or that I'll be so exhausted that I won't want to spend time with Jayda. I'm terrified I'm going to have to do a lot of it alone since Chase will be working 2 jobs until Janurary or Feburary. I'm terrified that I'm going to have another colicky refluxy baby that never sleeps. I'm terrified that I'll have PPD again.

Trust me, I'm glad this is all I'm worried about but I've grown increasingly anxious as the weeks go by and things become more real. Luckily this time I know what to look for if I do experience any PPD symptoms. With Jayda I just thought I was a terrible mother. I didn't realize I had suffered from PPD until I took one of my psychology classes and came to the realization that I had all of those symptoms. Granted I think I had a bit of PTSD as well since my experience wasn't the norm or something that should make you happy. The problem was I didnt experience those symptoms until 3 months after Jaydas birth and when she came home. But then again PTSD doesn't usually present itself until 3 months after a traumatic event. So makes sense.

Sometimes I imagine what my birth experience will be like this time around. Is it going to be everything I wanted and wished it to be? How long will it be until I see her and get to hold her? Will it be an emergency or something that I'll look forward to with excitement? I've learned from experience not to get your hopes up or to exepect rainbows and butterflies because then you set yourself up for heartache.

I've also been more jumpy and anxious in general. Lately I've had thoughts of horrible things happening. Like me falling down the stairs on my belly and hurting Haven. Jayda getting abducted out of her room at night. Chase dying in a car accident on his way to work. Some serial killer whos victim type is young pregnant women coming to kill me. Sounds crazy right. I don't know if its a pregnant thing because I'm usually not this jumpy but its starting to freak me out. Perhaps its a little bit of prepartum blues?

I've recently changed my diet. For the most part I've eaten really crappy this pregnancy (whoops) and as a result have gained like 35lbs already! Yikes! Its just been hard because I've stayed down as much as possible just to take it easy and not overdo anything. As a result I've been a lazy fat arse! haha So this week when I went shopping I got all the healthy stuff I used to eat.

I've also been eating more veggies and fruits. I'm limiting my carb and salt intake and tried getting out more especially now that my contractions have stopped. I've also gone back to what I was doing before I got pregnant. Big breakfast, snack, medium lunch, snack, (limit starches after 2), small dinner, small nightime snack. I feel like I have a lot more energy just in the last couple of days of doing this. Hopefully this will help my pregnancy blues since I've felt tired this whole pregnancy.

28 weeks 5 day Appointment

Had another ultrasound and drs appt today. It was pretty routine thankfully and unfortunately kinda a boring ultrasound because of Havens position. She was pretty squished onto my right side so it was hard to see her. She LOVES to just curl in a ball and pretty much hang out in my right hip and rib. Her legs were up by her head and her head was smashed into my cervix. Running out of room! Yay!

At first the tech couldn't see my cervix at all. That kinda freaked me out when she's like uhhh I cant see your cervix. Ekk. but she said it was because at this point the baby's skull is becoming more calcified and so its more shadowy and hides it. Plus she was smashed down in there pretty good. So she said that she had to go in via vaginal ultrasound to check. She asked the dr if he wanted her to do it and he said, "More than I want anything in the world. Of course." Luckily it was still measuring great at 3.46 which my dr said probably gives me another good 2 weeks of not worrying about going into preterm labor. We'll do 2 more cervix checks and then wont check it anymore since after 32 weeks cervix measurements dont really tell you anything as you can naturally start to shorten or efface around that time anyways.

My contractions are much better and I'm not having to take the contraction meds as much anymore. Mostly if I need to get out and do errands. He said it was a great thing that I only take it when I need them because after awhile the effect wears off so when you really need them they wont do anything.

My dr was stoked with how everything looked. He walked into the room and stuck the ultrasound pics on the wall and said I just want to hang this on the wall not only because you make cute babies but because everything else looks so beautiful! He also asked me how I felt actually being in the 3rd trimester finally! And honestly, I feel great but I also feel like a FTM again because I dont know what to expect. Everything is so new to me! Its so crazy to think I have an almost 3lb baby in my stomach! It took us FOREVER to get Jayda to 3lbs!

There was one thing that concerned me. Me more so than the dr but still worried me none the less. My blood pressure was a little high around 138/60 (I think that was the bottom number but honestly was more focused on teh 138 part. The nurses seemed more concerned with it then the dr but he said in the 3rd trimester it can be normal for your blood pressure to rise a little. We'll obviously keep watching it but he doesn't think it will be an issue (lets freaking hope!).

Oh and he's giving me antibotics for my sinus infection that I've had for about 3 weeks now. I seriously cannot sleep at night because I'm so miserable with a stuffy nose, post nasal drip, and a sore throat. Thank goodness! Hopefully that gets rid of it.

Otherwise, it was an incredibly boring appt and I like it that way!