When Boring is Just Fine

I know I've been MIA recently. That has to do with the fact that we've moved to a bigger place, busy with 2 kiddos, and the fact that I have nothing new or exciting to add. But I guess I'm in an introspective mood. So here goes nothing.

Since the beginning of my child bearing journey I've used my blog for everything. I've used it to update people on Jayda in the NICU so I wouldnt have to talk to them everyday or ever for that matter. Sorry. Truth. I've used it to vent my feelings of having a micropreemie and then having secondary infertility. I still struggle with that word. Sometimes I feel like a drama queen saying I had "infertility". To me it felt so real. I cried many months when auntie flow showed up, threw negative tests into the trash in anger, planned sex til my hubby A MAN said "PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" But then I look at my blogger friends who started this journey with me and are now moving on to the big guns, "IVF". Suddenly my measely 20 months of not getting pregnant seem so stupid to complain about.

I feel like I can finally just bask in being boring, staying home with both my babies and not worrying about another blood draw, ultrasound or drs appt. It feels so strange to not have something to look forward to anymore. My life was built on worrying about the next step. I could see the prize but it was always just out of reach. It was always one more month. One more ultrasound. One more NICU stay.

After I had Jayda I used to be jealous of moms that seemed so worryfree. Unfortunately Jayda's early months at home were spent with me acting as her nurse instead of her mother. I had to. You know when you have a problem with a true mother/daughter bonding when holding your baby down for a procedure doesn't even phase you. I would laugh when moms would complain about their "poor baby getting their immunizations". Please. Child's play. I felt like a nurse in the fact that I had to remove all feelings and just do even if that meant hearing my baby cry until she puked her guts up. And you know its an all time low when your hubby knew how to put an NG tube down your baby's throat at home. And that the dr trusted you enough to do it yourself. I seriously considered going into nursing after I had Jayda but then I thought I just can't clean up anyone elses shit.

I know I sound like a broken record, but this time its so different. I finally feel like a mom and not a nurse. I remember during Jayda's NICU stay if the nurse started cares without me I thought, "What a biatch!" When Haven was in the NICU one of the nurses asked me if I wanted to do her cares and I said, "That's ok. I'll just feed her when you're done." I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. I knew then that not only was this a whole different experience but I was a whole different person.

I hope one day when Jayda reads these entries (if she cares to) she doesn't think she was a plauge to our home. Ok maybe for the first nine months or so (kidding). But after that she's been an angel. I feel bad constantly comparing Jayda and Haven because my love for them is equal but different all at the same time. I look around at some of the bratty preschoolers around the neighborhood and think "Man I really got lucky with such a sweet little girl." That or the man upstairs finally decided to have mercy upon my soul.

With Haven I find myself in love. Like stupid love. Like the mom I hated but secretly was so jealous of. It doesn't matter if she didnt sleep well the night before or not I cannot help but just feel such a heartwarming love when I see those sweet morning smiles. I really got lucky with such a happy chill baby. Thank the Lord above! I'm not sure if its because I knew what to expect in terms of not sleeping and being attached to this thing that constantly wants your love, warmth and affection 24/7 but it sure feels good!

Sometimes I wonder if asking for one more is just pushing my luck. I mean I've ended on such a good note why ask for more? Ok maybe 33 weeks isnt a great note, but its pretty dang good to me. Some days I think two looks pretty good to me. Or as my brother Chris put it, "With two kids you can play man to man. Four you gotta do zone." Word.

Right now, man to man is looking better and better. But you can't ever throw zone out altogether. Ya never know, but right now I'm fine with boring. I finally feel complete and there's no sweeter feeling in the world.

Feeding the Human Part 2

Several weeks ago I posted about how breastfeeding was so freaking hard and I was going crazy. There were several days I just wanted to quit and give her the bottle. It seemed like she just couldn't figure it out. Some days she would breastfeed good and others days she just wanted the bottle it seemed or she wanted to be on me all day and night. Then on top of it I was pumping after every feeding to keep my supply up. It was super frustrating and there were several days that I wondered why I was torturing myself so much.

But then I read some golden advice on a breastfeeding support board: "Never ever quit on your worst day. If you are going to quit, no shame in that, but if you do quit then quit on your best day. That way you wont ever regret your decision made out of frustration."

So I did just that. On those days that I was crying and wanted to pull my hair out I thought....no not on my worst day. One day even Chase was done with it. He was sick of me complaining and just said, "Well why don't you just quit then?" I was so angry at him. And no one tells me to quit anything. So I was even more motivated to stick with it.

Well I am pleased to say its gotten a lot easier! In fact the little stink loves breastfeeding so much she wont even take a bottle! SMH! Ok well thats a little bit dramatic. She'll take a bottle if we leave her with my MIL but it takes her forever. We left her for four hours for Chases work thing (signed his contract to go on salary and out with the big wigs for lunch)and she took forever to take a bottle of 3 oz. She was fussing when I got home as my MIL was trying to feed her and the minute I put her on she just downed her feed.

If I'm home, forget it! Even if I'm in the other room she won't take it! That makes it hard at nights because she was sleeping so crappy. Literally she was up every 45 min-1 wanting to eat or come lay in bed with me. Now that we keep her up more during the day she sleeps better but still not the best. Chase wanted to let me sleep a couple of nights but nope she wouldnt eat for him. The minute he brought her in to me she ate and went right to sleep.

And no co-sleeping is not an option. I have found I'm not a cuddler by nature. At least not when I'm trying to sleep. Call me crazy but I'd rather sleep without someone sucking on my nipple all night long. I know crazy. Plus the times I have tried co-sleeping for her to breastfeed I wake up to a huge burp, the feeling of wet slime all over my body and a puddle of milk on my sheets. No thank you. Not to mention my back kills me with the side lying position. Anyone that knows me knows I'm very finnicky about my positions....er maybe not...I meant sleep positions. Sheesh.

Its the best feeling in the world to get the most smiles out of her then anyone else. And when Chase brings her to me to eat at night the first thing she does is smile when she sees my face or hears my voice. And knowing that she prefers me to anyone else and that she relies on me so much makes me so happy. Maybe talk to me in a few months but right now I love it.

Maybe it's a control thing... I dont know. But after having so many instances in my baby making career where I lost all sense of control its nice to finally feel like I'm doing something right. That I can do something for my baby that no one else can do. That is the total opposite of how I felt with Jayda first when we were in the NICU and then when we brought Jayda home and she wouldn't eat. I felt so helpless and relied heavily on Chase to take care of her because I swore up and down that she hated me and that I could do nothing to comfort her cries. She cried all the time. Then Chase would come home from work, hold her and she'd calm right down. I swore she hated me so bad she didnt even want to be inside me and thats why she broke free from my womb of death.

Its funny now we tell her what a horrible baby she was and she just laughs. I tell her that when she was a baby she said, "Waaaahhhhhhh, BARF, Waaahhhhhhh, BARF, Waaahhhhhhh." All.day.long. For months. So now she just mocks herself and laughs. Waaahhhh waahhhh waahhhh BARF. At least now we can all laugh about it. Because at the time it was.not.funny. I'm suprised we all made it out alive.

I think this time Chase feels how I felt. Like he cant do much with her but hold her until I take her to feed her and then put her to sleep. But I warned him when I was pregnant that he may have won over the first child but he was to not even think about doing the same with Haven. And my plan has been successful. Muahahahaha.

One thing that does drive me crazy is that Haven hates her nursing cover and so if were out in public I have to find some dark cold vacant room to nurse her in. Again with the dramatics. Seriously if people were cool with it I would just pop those suckers out. I wouldnt care but I know it would wierd some people out.

When I was pregnant with Haven I went out to eat with a friend and noticed a girl was breastfeeding her kid and I could see her boob although it wasnt like in your face type of thing, just the side of it a little. Most people just gawk and say how gross it is but I seriously wanted to go up to her and tell her how awesome she was. I wish I had guts like that but I understand how it could make some people uncomfortable. I guess people just dont like boobs and food. I thought that describes most men but apparantly not when in relation to a baby. Go figure.

My life with Justin Bieber

Being a mommy is exhausting. I love it of course but I forgot how exhausting having a little baby during RSV season can be so constricting. I'm starting to get out more but I'm still terrified my little baby is going to get sick so I dont take her out much.

Last night during the hour span I had of sleeping between the next waking I had a dream that I was making out with Justin Bieber. He was really into it. Of course. But I think I kind of blew it. I kept interrupting asking him if he had seen Les Miserables and if he cried. I can't believe the only dream I've had in weeks was making out with a hairless multimillionaire little boy. Kinda gross.

So another reason I've been exhausted is because my poor hubs has been working his butt off with his two jobs. So essentially he's been leaving at 9-10am and not coming home til 10:30-11pm every day. Some days I feel like a single mom. Props to single moms. And super mad props if they can even brush their hair. Some days I can't even poop, shower, and eat until Chase gets home from work.

Ok now I'm being dramatic. Its really not that bad most days.

Good news is I'm one essential oil away from being the biggest hippy I thought I'd ever be. First starting with the all natural vbac, then with the breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and now I've taken up baby wearing. Its really the only way I can get things done most days and she absolutely loves it. Shes so squished in there she instantly falls asleep. Harvy Karp is really onto something with this 4th trimester crap.

The problem is I've been having some back issues which is really ticking me off. It feels like I have a charlie horse in my neck at random times throughout the day. The pain is so debilitating I can barely walk without exrutiating pain. But if I ice it and lay down for even a few minutes most times it resolves on its own. Kind of ironic that now I have my baby its so painful just to hold her.

More good news is Chase made salary at Farmers!! So that means soon we wont be poor anymore! He's still going to work at Red Robin a couple nights a week just to keep extra cash coming in for the fun of it errrr to save it to get into a house...one day!

I feel like at last things are finally starting to look up. Chase is in a more stable job with a more stable income. I finally have my little baby and Jayda has a sibling. I'm finally graduated--now we need Chase to jump on it. I just feel more like a complete family and I could not be more grateful.

Yesterday was Haven's blessing. She was not digging the huge dress, but she looked adorbes in it (I have been watching Guilianna and Bill waayyyy too much). We had a fun time getting together with family and friends after too. Pam and Kenny came all the way from vegas so that was awesome. My grandparents and Aunt Becky came from Logandale.

We're also hoping to move in the next month or so to a bigger place. We found some town homes that are right by my best friend who just had a baby as well and its next to the river so Jayda can go play in the summer. Its also the same price we'd be paying over where we are at but the place we are looking at has a 2 car garage and a little back yard. Plus its an actual town home and not an apartment. We're hoping that works out!

I went running for the first time the other day and it was quite hilarious. I felt like such a wimp dying at 3 miles when that used to be an easy day. I'll get back...slowly. I miss running so much though. I also want to get rid of the baby weight.

The other day I stepped out of the shower and Jayda asked me what the squiggly squaggly lines on my tummy were from. I told her I survived a bear attack. Bad news shes now afraid of bears. Good news she's not afraid of having kids. Maybe I'll hang that in my holster until shes a teenager.

After 2 days of excercising and watching what I ate I lost 5lbs but the problem is my milk supply tanked. So I need to find a balance which is hard to do when I'm running on not a lot of sleep. I'll figure it out but from experience after I had Jayda I learned that I can kill myself in the gym and have an on point diet but if I'm not getting sleep then I dont shed a pound.

So for the most part were one of the same. Still slowly trying to work shirts and pants into my daily routine. One day. Oh the kind of worry I'm dealing with these days. Poor me.

Bring on 2013!

I cant believe 2012 is over. I remember last year at this time I could not stop wondering if 2012 would be our year or not. There were so many what ifs. I also began my last semester of college. I cant believe its already been a year since I had that semester from hell. Whoever said you'll get pregnant when you stop stressing was on crack. I got pregnant the most stressful month of my schooling. I had two 25 page papers, one 10 page paper due, and was taking statistics from the evil professor who expected perfection and didnt even flinch when he left me in tears in his office. On top of that I got shoulder surgery. So screw that crap.

I found out that I missed the deadline to apply for grad school to get my LCSW. So I cant apply til NEXT november and then start the following september. BUT then my brother and SIL pointed out that I'll never get this time back with my girls so why not take full advantage of that and just embrace every moment with them. True dat.

It's such a relief that my uterus and I dont have to talk at all this year. We can part our seperate ways and she can shut up and not give me any trouble.

Right now my life isn't very glamorous. I can count the number of times I've gotten out of my pjs since November on one hand. Most days I don't even bother putting a shirt on. Sleep is precious and far in between. I'm lucky if I get a shower. Most meals I have to wolf it down as fast as I can because thing 1 or thing 2 wants something. I feel like a cave man everytime I go outside. You know to check the mail. The highlight of my day.

Oh and to top it off I had searing hot red lumpy boob aka plugged ducts. It was fun. Nothing like dipping your swollen boob in a hot bath to fill a sunday afternoon.

BUT I wouldn't trade it for the world. I'd much rather have all these little nuisances than worrying if this was my month or whether my body was going to evacuate my baby out of the building. And I guess having control over both sides of my face is just a plus.

And from experience I know there is an end to the sleepless nights. But man at the time you cant help but roll your eyes and ask why oh why when you see those wide eyes staring straight back at you in the dark at 3am. And since Haven has come home, Jayda, who normally sleeps like a rock decided that she wants to join the party and has been getting up multiple times a night.

This is the recovery after one hellish night.

Well I knew exactly why she was waking up. It wasnt because she needed water, or to pee, or to just say "I love you daddy", it was because she is transitioning and anxious since she isnt getting a lot of attention during the day, understandably.

In my last couple of semesters I became really interested in children's trauma and anxiety. And one of the big signs that there is anxiety in their life is by their sleeping patterns. So instead of focusing on threatening her things during the night (that doesnt work) I just had to really make an effort in doing things with her during the day, even if I wanted to gouge my eyes out instead because I'm running on empty. And sure enough, she sleeps through the night again since I've been making more of an effort.

The other day I woke up with her instead of Chase because I wanted to let him sleep in since he was just so exhausted. It freaked her out and she cried the entire morning and day. It was frustrating but really it just broke my heart because I knew why. I really havent given her enough attention because Haven eats a million times a day, I have to pump a million times a day, and Haven is awake a lot more so its difficult to play with Jayda.

So I've been making an effort to do more things with Jayda and keeping her busy with things. I even got in the bath with her (she always asks to take a bath with me)and played with her princess figurines. She hates hot water so I sat in a butt cold bath naked playing with her. She had a blast and I just put on a brave face and was so happy when Haven started crying and I "had" to get out.

Today we went on a much needed mommy daughter date. We got our nails painted and went to lunch at the pizza factory. She had a blast!

This year we have so many things we want to do with the girls. In April we're going to disneyland. Jayda talks about it everyday. Now that we cant threaten her with the naughty list we told her that she needs to eat a lot so she can grow tall enough to ride the rides at disneyland. That pumped her up to eat 3 breadsticks and half a piece of pizza for dinner. We're such mean parents.

This summer were going to Lake Powell with both girls. So excited I can actually tube and knee board this year instead of being pregnant!

Hopefully in the next month Chase can meet his quota for Farmers and we can get on salary so he can quit his other job. He has to have 40 pieces of insurance and 4 pieces of life to get on salary. He's at 28 and 1 so he's super close. And awesome considering the holidays are the hardest time to sell anything. He's almost there but the deadline is the 18th of this month otherwise 10 of his items gets knocked off. Its going to be such a relief financially and time wise when he does though.

Yesterday we decided to venture out of the cave and go on a lunch date to Red Robin. We all needed it. The lady behind us had the sweetest looking hat. Of course Jayda was curious and stuck her face right by her face. Embarassing.

And I just love this little babes! After her immunizations shes acted so funky. She didnt sleep or eat well for awhile. Yesterday she started eating like she normally does. I took her to the LC this morning because she had been a little bugger and decided she only likes the left boob. She just would not latch on the left because she knows it has a slower flow. But of course right when I called the LC she started latching like a pro. And she still gained a ton even with the nursing strike. On saturday when she got her synagist she weighed 8lbs 2oz. Today she was 8lbs 9oz. Little chunk! So looks like her immunizations just screwed her up!

And the coolest part is that she said that we should just let Haven sleep at night. The neo at the NICU said we had to wake her every 3hrs but she just wants to sleep and has been gaining great so why not let her sleep? And the LC said I should just treat her like a regular baby because thats how she is acting. Shes been going 5hrs the last couple of days and its SO nice! Then instead of being wide awake after feeding her she'll gulp it down and sleep for another few hours! Hopefully it stays that way...it probably wont.

Breastfeeding is not for the faint-hearted

Its funny how some things in life sound so much easier in theory than in reality.

Its very easy to do especially before you become a mother.

I was the worlds best mother before I actually became one. My kid never watched tv. Time out worked like a charm. I never lost my cool. I made elegant dinners from scratch every night--and they ate it all. And I could just plop my baby on my boob to eat and that was that. Because my kid never was going to drink an ounce of formula in their life.

The reality is because I have a newborn, my 3 1/2 year old watches a lot of tv and somedays she wears her pjs all day long. And sometimes I say screw it lets just get you a "ham" (hamburger) from Wendy's. I know...plain..no lettuce...no matoes. And breastfeeding didnt work out for her. We used a formula that was $60 for a 14oz can.

Fast forward to today.

Today as I was chained to Haven I hear a scream coming from the living room. I yelled back to Jayda to come to my room so I could comfort her. She said: "I can't! I'm stuck!" So I come out boobies still floping everywhere to this...

Sometimes you cant help but laugh, but other days you just want to cry.

One night after I had put Jayda to bed and I felt finally at peace I was downstairs feeding Haven and I hear a distant bloody murder scream. Its Jayda. I quickly unlatched leaving a very pissed off Haven to make sure Jayda was not being hacked into a million pieces by some creepo. When I got upstairs she simply said, "But mommy you forgot to give me knuckles!" Kick me in the gonads right now. Seriously?

Haven got her immunizations the day after Christmas and was on an eating strike til last night. Flashbacks of Jayda suddenly going on a feeding strike (thats lasted 3 1/2 years mind you) as a baby came rushing back. Please no, not like her. She hates food, remember you're different?!

Then this morning the beast came back. She hasn't left my boob so today was one of those days that I didnt move from the couch. Some days you just want to lay down and just have your boobs.to.yourself. You just want to not be the source of nutrition and eat something yourself.

Before I had Haven I thought man if I could just breastfeed it would be easier.

Oh, how naive I was. It's laughable really.

Now dont get me wrong. I'm so glad I'm breastfeeding. Most days I love it. I love the closeness and I sure as hell love not having to spend a fortune on formula. I also love that my 3 year old has brought the nasties home 4 different times and my baby hasnt had it once.

But somedays I just want to cry. I just want to give up. I just wonder if its worth the hard work. Then I remind myself how much work I've already put into it. How much I wanted this and I know if I were to give it up in a moment of frustration I would regret it forever.

No one told me that breastfeeding is so much more then just "plopping" them on. I hate that word. Its so lazy and breastfeeding is anything but lazy. At least I havent gotten to that point yet.

Its not knowing whether they are getting enough. Having your supply drop after a day of lazy eating and then having her scream because theres no milk the next day when she decides shes starving again and feeling completely helpless.

Its running to the store across town in my pjs on a Sunday morning to get Fenugreek almost in tears because my milk is drying up even after eating buttloads of oatmeal, water and gatorade and power pumping the crap out of the girls.

Then you take the Fenugreek and smell like your pounding down the pancakes by the dozens. Maple syrup scent. Always wanted the maple syrup scent. Hey, at least its not potatoes.

Its having to pump after every feeding to make sure your supply doesn't drop again and sometimes you wonder if its worth feeding the imaginary twin or not.

Then ironiclly the next day its being drenched in milk when your baby roots around, latches and then lets go the moment the let down gets too strong. Then gets pissed because milk isnt pouring down her gullet. Just stay latched on and this wouldnt happen. Am I right or am I right?

Its feeling glued to the couch during growth spurts. You finally think your baby has filled the brink in the milk department and is completely zonked on your boob. You peel them off, lay them in bed only to watch their eyes shoot wide ass open. A few seconds later they start rooting around as if they never ate a drop of food in their life.

But then there are days when you are proud of the fact that your body is smart enough to feed your baby. Its amazing really if you think about it. That your baby needs you and no one else. That when you hear their cry for food you feel honored to be the one to fulfill that need. And that your baby feels comforted being with mommy touching skin to skin.

Its the feeling that your giving your baby the yummiest food available. And its moments where they are completely zonked out and milk is just running out the side of their mouth that they suddenly shoot you the biggest smile. That is when you know its all worth it.

I'm so glad I've stuck it out but man some days when shes screaming, not wanting to latch but seemingly starving--but still wetting diapers and growing great--that you think man why dont I just get that damn bottle out and call it a day. And some days I do. Some days I just pump a bottle and say now off little baby. I think some feedings you need to do that--at least I do.

Thats the reality of breastfeeding in the first couple months. Its nothing flashy (no pun intended) like I imagined. Its nothing easy like I imagined but its worth the hard work. And its worth seeing my baby thrive when last time I didnt.

And people who breastfeed multiples. Well they deserve a damn medal.

This Year for Christmas...

This year Christmas was amazing. I remember last year it was so different. We were on our 3rd round of clomid and at that point I didnt think it was going to work, and I was right. I had gotten my hsg that month and a couple days later Chase was in the ER with a major anxiety attack. Then come to find out that ER trip plus the multiple drs vistis he had werent covered by insurance over a technicality. Because he had refilled his anxiety meds a few days before the cut off of the 60 day period to count as a pre-exisiting condition we had to pay everything out of pocket. Upwards to $3,000 that we didnt have. It was just a crappy time and I'm so glad its behind us.

This year it was a complete turn around. I had a brand spanking new chilax baby, Jader bug opening her presents, and a very anxiety free hubby. And just to throw in some extra holiday blessings that $3,000+ bill that we fought a year for was thrown out by our hospital. All we had to cover was $100. Talk about a 360 in every way possible.

This year Chase wasn't a little grinch. He hates Christmas for some reason but this year he went all out. It looks like Christmas threw up all over our house. He is turning around about Christmas now that we have our girlies and Jayda is old enough to understand Christmas.

There was nothing more heartwarming then watching Jayda open gifts all day. Every gift no matter how small she would just beam with excitment and say, "Oh thank you, thank you. I always wanted that!" Or when she hit a prized gift she would cover her mouth with her hands and say, "Oh MY gosh. Oh my gosh!" That little smile never gets old.

This year she kept asking for barbies and a barbie house. She was very specific that she wanted a black barbie. Why I have no idea, but I'm proud my little bug is so culturally diverse. haha

I couldn't help but just bask in this years festivities. We didn't do much but it was great to just chill and be with family. We woke up bright and early (like always) to watch Jayda open presents then we headed over to the inlaws house to open presents there with his whole family. It was a blast and his parents always spoil us. Honestly I could've cared less whether I got any presents at all I was just so happy to be holding my little baby in my arms and watch my jayda bug opening her presents. That was priceless to me and something I was missing last year. It was like that empty hole that was finally filled.

We then went home and hung out there for a bit. Later we went back to the inlaws for dinner and to listen to the nativity story. We were originally planning on going to my parents house but my mom was in urgent care with a lung infection and a nasty cold so we chose to bypass Christmas with them this year. Jayda's gotten 4 things since Havens birth and I'm so over Jayda being sick. So we'll do Christmas when she gets better. Thank heavens for breastfeeding...Haven has been immuned all 4 times!

The day after Christmas we went to Havens 2 month appt which was a mistake since there were kids all over the place puking their eyeballs out. The kid in the next room sounded like she was dying. I was just praying that the dr would come in our room before hers because I just imagined those little germies all over his hands.

She was 8lbs 1oz and a little over 20inches. Shes getting so big! She's been acting a little funny since she got her immunizations though and doesnt want to eat much and has been sleeping like crazy. Hopefully its just a phase because she is usually a piglet. Either that or a growth spurt with how much she is sleeping.

She also has reflux just like her sister (although not nearly to that degree) but since she isnt having any issues growing we decided to hold off medicating her. Its more of a nuisance to us because we have to position her up a lot. She doesnt puke at all (spits up some) and seems to be more of a comfort eater than a refuser so thats good at least. Chase usually takes the 1am feeding to help me sleep since I cant just plop her in bed with me.

We had a blast though for the holidays and feel blessed beyond measure. My heart and prayers go out to the families of those Connecticut victims that had to spend Christmas mourning their little precious ones. I just cannot imagine how bad that hurts and my mind thought of those sweet precious faces a million times on Christmas day.

I also forgot to post my "Still Standing" articles from the past two months. I mentioned awhile ago that I started writing for a fertility and baby loss magazine called, "Still Standing". I feel completely honored to write for them and its been quite theraputic to write about my experiences. Here they are.

http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/11/what-infertility-during-pregnancy-means-to-me/ (I wrote this one a few days before Haven was born. Talk about coincidence. Oh how niave I was. I thought I'd already won the preemie battle. http://stillstandingmag.com/2012/12/dealing-with-ignorance/

NICU grad clinic and update on the Fam

So its been awhile since I last updated...its been crazy...ok not really I'm just super lazy. I went to my post-partum appt (on my due date imagine that)and I iuded it up woot woot. It was nice to get that taken care of but it was kinda bitter sweet walking out of there.

I've been going there for mutliple blood draws, drs appts, ultrasounds for over 2 years now so its a bit strange to think I'm done. I finally have my end result that we waited so long for and that I dont have to worry about getting a baby here anymore! Its a little bitter because I dont know if I'll ever be back to get pregnant or to follow my pregnancy since were not entirely sure we'll ever do it again. I've just been trying to soak up every moment with Haven because I'm just not sure if she'll be my last. My heart tells me shes not (not saying we'll get pregnant again but through adoption)but who knows.

After my appt I felt super pumped to start getting my pre-prego bod back and thought about going for a run since ummmm March? Then Jayda decided to come down with a fever and start puking AGAIN. So now that makes 4 times since Halloween. Yipee. So at least another week or so to stay on the fat side. I'm secretly happy Jayda doesn't have preschool til the beginning of January. That way we can get a little bit of a break from being sick.

The amazing part is that Haven has yet to get sick! I have been super hypervigilant about hand washing and even wore a mask last time Jayda was sick so that I wouldnt get sick and pass it on to Haven (we had her in my room away from Jayda the whole time...yeah that was a pain in the butt). It was kinda crazy but hey she didnt get sick!

Today we took Haven to the NICU grad clinic and she did GREAT! We saw Dr. Ridout which was awesome since he was one of the main Neos on when Jayda was in the NICU but was gone the whole time that Haven was in the NICU because he was off doing some military thing. I was kinda bummed we missed him but also not really since he didnt come back til December and I was glad to be outta there by then.

She weighed 7lbs 12oz and was 20inches long! 11 days ago she was 6lbs 10oz so she is rocking it on my breastmilk! The dietician was giddy with excitement. Yesterday was her due date (what a freaking joke right?)so that is great! She was on teh 50th percentile on the preemie chart and 3rd percentile for her actual age (1.5 months). I can't believe we are on a growth chart considering Jayda has never been on one (preemie or regular).

Last week we noticed that Haven's ears are not completely normal. One looks normal and the other had an extra ridge in it (kinda hard to explain). Its not extremely noticeable but when we did I was kinda worried that maybe it was associated with some syndrome of something. Dr. Ridout said it was completely normal and I was just crazy. It's just the way her ears were made and that it didnt mean that there should be any concern. He of course was cracking jokes about it. Classic Ridout.

He also said that she had dry skin (he used some weird medical term and I had to (like always) say what the hell does that mean Ridout? Elementary terms here for the idiot in the room that didnt go to medical school. Thank you.) AKA dandrif (that wasnt so hard). So we have to buy some weird tar stuff at the store and put it on her but that eventually she'll outgrow it or she'll just be the weird girl with tons of gross dandrif.

And get this...he said they dont need to follow up with her at all! I remember asking KerryAnn (the LC and OT in the NICU) when we needed to follow up with her and she said that she doesnt follow up on 33 weekers because they do just as well as full term babies! Imagine that!

So we are FREEEEE!!!!

Otherwise we've been doing great. Haven is a dream child. She rarely cries (total 360 from Jayda) and eats like crazy. I cant believe what a difference having a dream child makes on having PPD. It really does take a strain on your relationship when your baby just wants to cry all day and all night long. Add on not sleeping to the mix and it makes you want to pull your fingernails off one by one.

When I was prego Haven rarely had big movements. She was pretty chill in there which at times freaked me out, but a part of me also hoped that meant she was going to be chill on the outside too and luckily that has been the case! She pretty much just grunts all night long. Shes my little Beavis and the Butthead grunter but hey its better than crying. Except today at the NICU grad clinic she was SCREAMING because she could sense there were evil NICU people around (ok not really but she was pissed they stripped her down to her birthday suit). Ridout said she sounded like a 6 month old crying and not a newborn she had such a strong cry.

Its funny how our kids have taken sides. Jayda is a COMPLETE daddy's girl and Haven is a complete mommy's girl (hey I got the milk she has no other choice). Jayda has been acting out a bit trying to get my attention but luckily hasnt been mean to Haven, in fact she adores her!

Shes growing and developing so fast it seems. The other day out of no where (at least to me) she counted to 25 unassisted! I was like seriously? Where did this girl learn this?! Shes such a sassy little thing too. I just cant believe how much she talks like a little adult. The other day after Chase had taken her to her ped Dr. Cain she came running home saying, "Mommy, mommy I went and saw Dr. Cain and he picked me up and I was so so so tall (hes like a giant) and I got a sticker!" Its so weird that she can say and knows the name of the dr that helped deliver her. Has it really been that long?! So crazy how time flies!

This was Jayda at preschool. She is the smallest on the end and her thanksgiving hat was so huge but instead of putting it back up over her eyes she just stood there blind as her whole class sang songs to the parents. It was hilarious. Funny little girl!

I don't know whos more exicted for christmas too...me or Jayda. I cant wait for her to see all the stuff we got her (mostly from garage sales...but she has no idea). Shes been asking for barbies and a barbie house for christmas so we got a bunch and a big nice barbie house for $25 plus a bunch of other crap she doesnt need! I love garage saling!

Overall, thats our life as of now!