Thursday, June 6, 2013
My 4-year-old miracle
I remember looking in at my fragile little baby roo in her little plastic home and thinking about what laid before us. I just wanted to take a peak into the future and see what was waiting there. Would I be a mom mourning her loss forever? Even the thought of it made me want to throw up. Or would I someday have to worry about trivial things like staying up all night with a crying baby or worrying about her not eating all her food? Oh how I wanted to hear her lusty cry! You truly don't know what a sweet sound that is until you don't hear one.
I remember praying so fervently for her to live. I vowed that I'd never ask for anything ever again, but that just proved I was a liar since I've asked for plenty since.
Most days, looking into the future was too draining. Plus all the doctors told me was that they didn't know if she'd come out of this completely unscathed. Sure, she'd probably live...but that wasn't a guarantee and what problems awaited there if she did were unknown. They gave me good statistics but judging by the statistics of having a micropreemie with a birth defect at 20 years old I didn't trust "statistics" anymore.
Their advice: Take one day at a time. Never trust a preemie. Take two steps forward, one step back.
And so I danced the preemie dance.
Even though it was one of the hardest things I've had to face in this life I'd do it all over again to have my little bug. There are a lot of things that her early birth has taught me. One being that life is a complete miracle. Every breath we breathe is a miracle often overlooked. I remember feeling guilty having perfect lungs, most times forgetting I was even breathing at all. One of the nurses told me when Jayda was born that every breath she had to take was like taking one through a straw. It seemed cruel to make such a tiny thing work so hard.
Right after birth
3 weeks after birth
The guilt I felt was unbearable.
I think we as human beings are often too hard on ourselves. I often look at how egocentric Jayda is. For a 4 year old thats only developmentally appropriate. Everything is from her perspective. Everything is her fault. Everything revolves around her. In a lot of ways I think we never outgrow that egocentrism. We often take guilt and put it on our shoulders even when it shouldn't be. I imagine that really bugs our Heavenly Father. But here we are loading those bricks of guilt and shame on our backs day after day.
I've often imagined what would have happened had I lived 50 years ago when she would not have survived without medical intervention. How I would have had to watch my little baby slip slowly from this life. What would I have done? What would I have felt at that moment? Where would I be today? All questions I'm glad I never had to find the answer to, but guilty there are others that have.
We as mothers, take a risk. Not just when we are pregnant but each and every day we are a mother. There are so many terrible things that can happen to take life quickly away. In a few seconds everything could change. Thats a constant reality and a constant fear every mother faces. It's risky to our emotional wellbeing. On one hand, our kids are our greatest joy. On the other, losing them would completely shatter our world. Yet we all take those risks because the reward is just that fulfilling.
I would say that I feel so blessed that she is my daughter but I won't. I feel like that is a slap in the face for every mother that isn't blessed to have their child. That somehow they weren't enough. That somehow God loved me more. I don't think He works that way.
Today I watched as my little girl was more concerned with party blowers and balloons than breathing. I watched as she wanted nothing to do with her food. Most days that would irritate me but today I am grateful that thats all I'm worried about.
Happy birthday little bug. You are my little walking...err mostly runnning miracle. I'll take every day I can get.
Yesterday at her first day of gymnastics.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
The Girls
I cannot believe that Jayda will be 4 years old next week! Insane!! I feel too young to have a 4 year old, let alone a 7 month old too!! Its been a crazy 4 years that has changed my life, but for the better. And then Haven is just getting bigger and bigger everyday! I asked Chase the other day if he could even imagine what life would be like without Haven. Of course his smart arse comeback was, "I could imagine it. It wasn't that long ago she wasn't here." Men.
Haven is eating solids like a champ. It's so strange having a kid that lunges for my food. When I feed her solids she will down an entire jar of baby food and I have to cut her off. I dont think Jayda could finish a jar of baby food even now! Little bean.
Today Jayda was throwing her stuffed animal in the air and Haven was cracking up. It was the best to see Haven and Jayda "kinda" playing with each other. It's those moment I live for as a mommy. Sometimes I feel like I could be better. I could put my phone down more, turn the tv off, put the chores off, and just PLAY! Because in 10 years am I going to remember some stupid show I was watching (ok Duck Dynasty you are exempt from that comment) or if my house was clean? Probably not.
I was thinking the other day about how lucky I am to be a stay at home mom. Not everyone gets to do that but sometimes I feel like I take it for granted. I want to try not to just endure my days with the kids but to actually experience my days with them. Sure its hard with a baby and I feel bad I cant do as much as we used to with Jayda but I really need to take more time out for her.
I'm trying to soak up the baby stage with Haven too since we're not sure whether we will have any more kids. I think I just felt my uterus let out a huge sigh of relief. I know I've mentioned on here that we wanted them close in age if we were going to have another but then I realized if I had another kid anytime soon I'd probably have to shoot myself in the head and then that gets us no where. Props to you moms that have 4 kids in 4 years. You must be a whole different breed than Ashley D. Blake thats fo sho!
I honestly like having two kids. You go plop, plop in the car seats and off you go. Ok I guess whats another plop, right? A lot. Maybe down the road we'll have another one but we shall see..... Uterus...zip it. I still have yet to see a period come back even though Haven's been weaned for awhile. Good job lazy ovaries. Way to overwork yourself down there.
Ya know the plan when I was first pregnant with Haven was that we were going to have one right after the other (or at least not prevent). We were just going to lay off the birth control and let whatever was going to happen, happen. The only restriction was if we had another preemie, no matter how early Chase didn't want any more. So he won that battle....well there wasn't a battle really since I was/am on the same page. If it were up to him we'd for sure be done. I'm not sure what he'd be more scared of, another preemie or another girl. Its truely a toss up for him. Sadly.
For now I'm just soaking Haven all in since it could be my last time with scrumptious chubby baby legs and cheeks to kiss on. When I took Haven in for her 6 month appt Dr. Cain told us we should start sleep training her and letting her cry it out. I just cannot bring myself to do it though. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big believer in sleep training...at the right age. I guess I just enjoy co sleeping with her. The thought of having her in another room away from me just makes me sad. There's nothing better than waking up and looking at her face first thing in the morning.
So Chase and I came to a compromise... since hello, he's still sleeping on the couch. Poor guy has been on that thing for awhile now. First, when I was pregnant I had about 500 pillows spread all over the bed stuck in crevaces I didn't even know about. A walrus might as well have been laying in our bed. So he just crashed out on the couch. Although some nights I slept on the couch because of the back support and because I needed to be elevated. Oh those were the days. Nothing like a combination of heartburn,a cold, having to tape my eye shut for the night (thank you bells palsy), needing to pee every 15 min, and feeling like Haven was crowning all at the same time to get a good night's rest.
So Chase has been sleeping on the couch now because Haven still wakes up quite a bit at night to eat, because apparantly those thunder thighs need some grub to sustain life. Well she sleeps in bed with me half the night and then out with Chase in her little swing seat the other half so we both get some undisturbed sleep. I know it sounds awful that we dont sleep in the same bed but it really doesnt effect our relationship at all. In fact, it probably makes it better because we both get pretty good sleep considering...although those little teeth are coming in and there has been hell to pay. I swear I rejoiced when Jayda got all her teeth and somehow I'm back at square one. Another reason I'm just having two kids.
So this is where I sound like a crazy person. So were selling Haven's crib. Why you say? Because after 7 months I still have yet to cut the umbilical cord and just cant part. So what we're planning on doing is putting a queen bed in Haven's room. I'm going to set up shop in there with her and he's going to go back in bed. Eventually we will put the girls in the same room and get bunk beds and we'll use the spare bedroom as a guest room. I know that sounds crazy but I enjoy my cuddle time with her and gosh dang it I'm not giving it up just because she could sleep in her own bed. Plus a part of me is so scared she'd die in her crib from SIDS. My life is just so good where its at I couldn't imagine losing either one of my kiddos. And nothing comforts me more than seeing her little face right on my pillow if I ever get worried. So thats the plan for now. I know...crazy, but hey if it ever gets to be something I dont enjoy anymore then we will just sleep train her then.
For now I'm just enjoying my little Havers. She's SUCH a happy baby. She is always smiling. The other day I took the kids to walmart. I got them in the car and headed off. I turned the corner into Walmart and all of a sudden I see Haven's car seat topple to the side. I freaked out!! Apparantly, the base of the seat got unbuckled and she went toppling over. I immediately get out to place her back and I look in expecting her to be crying or freaked out...NOPE....she had a huge smile on her face even though she was upside down!! Crazy girl! And sweet Jayda was so concerned she wasn't ok she was near tears. Love my little girls!
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Adventures at Disneyland
Man has it been busy the last little while! We went on a week long vaca with the fam. Not just the kiddos but we went with my wonderful inlaws which include Chase's parents, Karen and Kelly, and his siblings Caitlyn (her husband Taylor), Chelsea (17), Ciara (14), and Cason (11). His brother Cameron and his wife Natalie didn't make it since she is pregnant and he had to work (btw shes pregnant with ANOTHER girl for the family which 3/4 from my sister and 2/2 of mine are girls. I guess the girls in my family like to make girls!! Another reason Chase said we are done. haha.
It was a lot of fun but we didn't have the man power to just go in our car so we had to rent an SUV. We ended up getting upgraded randomly to a Ford Flex which was kinda awesome. But by the end of the trip I was so sick of that car! I forgot how crappy it was to travel with a baby! Especially when you're in bumper to bumper traffic most of the time to Cali!
At the genius idea of one of my longest and dearest friends, Pam, she suggested we break the trip up since we had the kids and come the night before and stay with her in Vegas. So we did that on the way there and the way back. It was a good way to go! Plus I was able to see my Aunt Robin and my Uncle Rod who I havent seen in awhile. It was great to chat and catch up with them!
We arrived in Oceanside on Sunday and just hung out and recouped from the trip. Monday was kinda a crappy weather day so we decided to stick around and just hang out. We went out to lunch with Cait and Taylor and then went bowling later that night. Tuesday we packed an overnight bag and stayed in Anaheim so we could be closer to Disney since we went two days.
When we were on our way to the hotel to get a parking pass Jayda told me she had to pee really really bad. We were just a few miles away from the condo but when youre a kid and ya gotta go, ya gotta go. So we ended up having to pull over on the side of the highway and I got her pants off. I told her to squat and go because there was no else. She seemed nervous about that and said, "But mom I'll get thorns in my butt." So I lifted her up (in her Cinderella dress, mind you) and put her in a seated position away from me and said, "Hurry, just go!" She peed for about 10 minutes.
Once we got there it was awesome to see Jayda enjoying herself. When we entered the park they asked Jayda what her name was and she told them. Chase and I looked at each other like, crap, maybe they are feeling her out for her age. Yeah thats right we rode her off as two, you've all done it. She told him and then he yelled out as she entered the park, "Here, Here, all hail Princess Jayda!" She had the biggest smile on her face. It was priceless. Ok...or it cost $350.
When we walked in immediately we saw Belle and suprisingly there wasn't a huge line for it so we jumped in. She was so enthralled with her! Then right after that we ran into Minnie, Mickey, and Pluto. I was shocked because the last time we were there we stood in line for 45 freakin minutes to meet Minnie! I was so pissed. I was like umm for how much money people have to freaking spend to come here they should have freakin doubles up in this joint! So I was kinda glad to see this time Mickey and his friends were actually WORKING instead of dicking around in the back.
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I don't want this to come off as ungrateful for the little monster because really it was just a error on our part but bringing a baby to Disneyland SUCKS! She was so good, dont get me wrong but shes still napping a ton during the day, not used to being outside in the hot sun and seeing these huge crowds and weird big Mouse people all day long. So it was a lot for a little baby to take in. Luckily at Disney they have a baby center you can stop at and rest, feed your baby, even pump if you need to (dont worry I didn't waste my time with that crap and my boobs looked like Frankenstein when we got back. Chase's eyes got wide and said GROOOOOSSS when I pulled those bad boys out to pump and they were square shaped monster honkers.). Anyways, it was nice but it was not really centerally located so we had to make our way back to that stupid baby center every 2 hours since Monster baby eats so much.
So pretty much it went stand in line for an hour for a 30 second kid ride, then maybe hit up another one before heading back to the baby center. I kinda felt bad for Jayda that she was reading books at a little table and chatting with ladies that looked like pioneers instead of riding rides but she seemed pretty content.
We didnt leave the park until around 8 or so and then walked to the Cheese Cake Factory right by our condo. Both of the girls were exhausted and fell asleep there.
The next day we were a bit more prepared and brought a blanket to go over the stroller to keep the sun out (I TOLD Chase we should have gotten a chariot double stroller, cheap arse!). We also went to California Adventures that day. I liked California Adventures much better because there was a lot more shade and not as many crowds it seemed. When we got there we immediately found where the baby center was instead. Then we headed to get a fast pass at the cars ride. Thats when Haven decided it was time. I was watching Chase and all of a sudden I saw a weird yellow liquid squirting all down his shirt. I thought Haven was throwing up or something but there she was chubby cheeks staring at me like "Wud up?" When I realized what was happening I just covered my mouth in shock. It was all over Chase and all over the ground. Luckily it wasnt all over her clothes which was surprising. So off to the baby center we went.
This day we were able to pawn off Haven to my inlaws (who were awesome btw) and ride some more rides which was nice. We also got away to do lunch BY OURSELVES! We had the best $35 cardboard pizza we could have asked for. I ended up eating Chases pasta instead. It tasted exactly like Hamburger helper or something. I could almost guarantee thats what it was (those chefs are actors paid by Disney), but they are laughing themselves to the bank. Regardless, it was nice to sit in the shade alone.
"Mucka" aka super grandma was such a help!
It was fun but we are def waiting until all kids who bear the Blake name will be at least 3 before we come again. Amen.
On Thursday Chase got up early and went deep sea fishing with the guys. He had fun but he was just so exhausted. Meanwhile, I stayed back and just hung out and recouped from our journey. I would've made the worst pioneer. We ventured out to go to the beach later that day. Luckily for us it was windy and butt cold but how often are you at the beach right? So I stuck Haven in the moby and we all walked down to the beach to wait for the guys boat to come in.
Chase smelled like death but he did manage to catch the biggest fish that day so he won the $100 prize! Later that night we had dinner on the pier with Chases parents. Then after that we went to the hot tub for a few minutes. I think out of it all Thursday was actually my favorite day.
Nothing feels better than walking in the door after a long trip. For a couple days I swear I assumed the fetal position on the couch and sucked my thumb to sleep. Ok thats a lie. I started working out this week and eating clean since I felt discusting after eating out so much and I still have about 15 lbs to get to my pre-prego weight and about 20 to my goal weight. Just this week I've lost 5lbs. Wud uppp!
Monday, April 15, 2013
One year ago
(read about that here). I never wrote how it happened because I was trying to be sensitive to my friends that were/are going through infertility and I didnt want to "rub it in". I find myself a year later grateful and I realized I never wrote a post about it and want to remember all the details.
I had gone to my appointment six days earlier to put a plan in place for my first IUI. (that post here) I was pretty down on my luck. I had just had shoulder surgery because of an injury from of all things... church freaking basketball. BUT WE WON THAT GAME! CRUSHED THEM, REALLY...so thats all that matters. But who would've thought that during that very appointment that I was given a 3-5% of conceiving naturally, Haven was making her way down my fallopian tube to my uterus to find a nice place to snuggle.
So it was a sunday late in the afternoon and I was just waiting. I had cramps but just thought that meant she was on her way. When she never showed I didnt even think I was pregnant. I thought....ughhh I KNOW I ovulated...but maybe not? Especially since I hadnt been on any fertility drugs like the billionth other months I tried (ok 8...) so there was a chance that I didnt. BUT I remember feeling like my ovary was about to burst right around when I ovulated and thats a very clear sign that I do so I was pretty sure.
I was actually super frustrated because I just wanted her to come so that I could call the nurse and set up my ultrasound for the iui. I just wanted to get the ball rolling already. Finally Chase just told me to test because what could it hurt? What could it NOT have hurt?!
I kept putting it off and off until I caved. I peed on the stick, stuck it up to the light and saw nadda. What I thought. A couple minutes I went back in to check it again and to just throw it away. HOLY SHIZBOTS I could not believe my eyes when I saw two dark lines! I immediately ran to Chase on the couch and just started freaking out, "It's positive! It's positive! Holy crap, I'm freaking pregnant!" He was so happy and after we gave eachother a kiss and a hug I couldnt contain myself. I ran out the door and down the street just grabbing my hair and saying, "HOLY SHIZ!!!" I ran into a couple neighbor friends (Megan and Kenley...who was prego herself) and was crying and hugging them. I just wanted to tell anyone and everyone...even though I probably shouldnt have since I was only about 4ish weeks (later came to find out I was actually due on thursday not sunday).
I just remember crying out of shear joy the entire day. I couldnt eat or sleep because I was so pumped. In the back of my mind I knew I was no way out of the clear but I was PREGNANT which was half the battle and as sick as it sounds even if it hadnt worked out (i would have been devestated dont get me wrong) I still wouldve known that my body could still do it.
We decided to go over to Chase's parents house and tell them in a special way. We put the test in a diaper in a box and told them to open it. They were not expecting it at all because they knew we were planning on doing the iui and I had just had my appt. So it was pretty shocking to them!
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This was taken at my sister in laws wedding the day before I found out. I was so oblivious...and skinny then!
I'm so grateful for this little baby! As Jayda always says, "Haven is the perfect baby for me." She really is. Jayda is very on the go and always having to do something. She has always been that way. I remember even as a 2lb baby she pushed her way to the top of her incubator. Haven is the total opposite. She is so happy and lazy. She still hasn't rolled over. You can usually just find her smiling, eating, pooping, sleeping, or just eating her hand. She is so content to just sit in her little chair and watch the world around her. Jayda is such a good big sister and LOVES holding her but she is probably the hardest out of both of them because she never slows down. Its so awesome to see two total different personalities but still love them all the same! I'm so grateful for my life and the blessings I have. I'm definetly not the perfect parent and I have my moments of frustration but I dont ever want to imagine what life would be like without these little people.
We just got back from a week long vacation to Disneyland. I have some stories to tell for sure. Some of which include pulling over to hold Jayda in a seating position as she pissed all over a major highway in her cinderella princess costume. More to come later when I have a little more time, but it was definetely an experience traveling with two kids which wont be happening again for a very long time.
Chase suprised me with an hour long massage on Wednesday and I'm so looking forward to it since I need some sort of a vacation from a vacation if you will. Yes please!
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Confessions of a bad mother
Case in point, yesterday we came home early from my friend's cabin because we were up all night with Jayda who was puking (whats new, right?). In the morning all of us felt a little pukey so we think it was altitude sickness because (of course) by the time we got naps, ate lunch and packed up we all felt better. We all decided we just wanted to sleep in our own bed though.
By the time we got home we were just exhausted. We had planned on playing games, drinking hot cocoa, and the girls going tubing in the snow while the boys went off to play golf. This is just one example of how in your head you have so many expectations that just don't work out the way you think it's going to work out. Happens all the time when kids are invovled.
Finally when we got home Jayda was on one. She's going through a phase where she asks the same question over and over again and if we don't tell her the answer she wants to hear she just keeps asking. Now I know where my mom was coming from when she would say, "If you ask me one more time I'm going to say no and send you to your room!"
Both Chase and I slept like crap the night before (if it's not one kid, it's the other) so we were not in the best of spirits to say the least. So Jayda decided she needed to go poop. Terrific...everyone poops. Not a big deal. So after she did the deed she comes out and tells Chase she needs him to wipe her butt. He comes over and as he does she sticks her finger up her butthole. Immediately he yells at her to get her freaking finger out of her butthole and that she needs to wash her hands. She then looks him dead in the eyes as she takes the finger right next to it and sticks it in her mouth. At this point she's got poop all the way up her front and back, not to mention her hand.
Right then I knew we were done. I said, "Chase, you better call your mother right now and get her out of here before I really lose it. I need a Jaydavacation. Immediately." I was so done with her bodily fluids. Mucka's turn!
Sometimes it's best to just take a break for not only you but for the kids. And sometimes it means taking a day in your pjs, eating chocolate and watching TV (Les miserables on DVD anyone?).
Shortly after having Jayda I heard my mother in law say that "It takes a village to raise a child." Which I took to mean she was going to be a big source in raising my child. The mama bear in me was like, "Umm heeelll naw, I will be raising my child myself, thank you very much." Now I completely agree with her. It does take so much more than you and thats a slice of humble pie I've had to consume.
I can't even begin to pick out all the things that I've had to rewrite out of my plans of raising a child because a lot of it is the opposite.
Which leads me to my second confession. As far as breastfeeding goes, for the most part I hated it! My last post I wrote about how well she was doing and it was going well. And for a few weeks it was. But even then I felt like I was jailed up and couldn't leave the house or even put a shirt on. Looking back I do think I was not at all confident and worried way too much about my supply. Live and learn.
Anywho, one day I finally came out of my bedroom after what seemed like half the day spent feeding Haven and found Jayda butt naked curled up on the couch watching TV. I felt so guilty. Here I was feeding Haven like a king and laying food out for Jayda like she was a dog.
As far as eating goes Jayda is way behind. I literally have to police her into eating her food. Sometimes I even have to feed her myself otherwise she will literally go all day and not tell me she is hungry. And even then sometimes she will literally put her hands over her mouth and say, "un-uh." She's 23lbs for a reason. Most bizarre thing ever.
Then we moved and I think Haven had a hard time adjusting to the new surroundings. She was refusing to nurse and I was so sick of having to feed her kicking and screaming and then having to pump on top of it to keep my supply up since she was refusing. Ain't nobody got time for that.
What really sealed the deal for me was that she wasn't wetting her diapers very well and in a month only gained 8oz. So after about a week of thinking it through I decided to just nurse her if she wanted to. If not then I would just pump and give a bottle. For awhile we were giving her bottles in the day and then breastfeeding her at night. Then she got her immunizations and she turned into a complete psychopath. She screamed day and night for a week. She went from sleeping a solid 8-9 hours a night to not sleeping more than an hour at a time and would not nurse anymore at night. In fact she went through 5 bottles a night!
So that was the end of breastfeeding for us. I still am pumping tons of milk out and have about 3 months freezer stash (and building) so I don't feel that bad. In fact all the stress is gone and I refused to have eating issues with another one of my kids because I was too proud to give her a bottle. I learned through that experience that breastfeeding is not frolicking around in a field of marigolds in the sunset. For some people that may be the case but it wasn't over here. AND we went back a week after the crappy weigh in and switching to bottles and she had gained almost a pound in a WEEK! So that only confirmed to me that I did the right thing and she just wasnt getting enough from me.
So here I continue the crazy adventure of motherhood. With the crazy twists and turns and trying to take life as it's handed to me instead of trying to hand life what it's going to hand to me.
After puking all night long you'd think she'd be tired. Instead she only slept a couple hours and then came and woke me up after an hour of sleeping and said, "Its a beautiful day. Let's go sledding!" What the eff. Finally, I rolled out of bed, did some stuff and then got her all ready for the snow. She spent 5 minutes outside before begging to come back in. Expectations I tell ya. Best not to have them at all!
And in other news....I cut my hair! A LOT! And I got to donate my 10inches to Locks of Love!
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Endo Part 2
Today we had our follow up appt with the endocronologist for Jayda. We had to travel up north when I was 32 weeks pregnant to see the endo up there. Talk about close call with having Haven! Good thing she waited the extra week or else maybe we would've had a high way baby! Yikes! What a sight that would have been!
Ironically when we went up there they told us there was a endo that came down every so often to St. George. Why they didnt tell me that over the phone? I have no idea. I guess they just wanted to see me huff and puff my way into their office, pirate faced and all. I was quite the sight to behold when we went up there.I kept wiping my watery eyes and drool from my mouth with a tissue as she explained why my daughter might not be growing. By the end of the appt she asked me if I was ok and instead of growling at her like I wanted to I just said, "Its bells palsy. Story of my life."
When I went to schedule the follow-up they instead scheduled me with Dr. Murray who is the one that comes down to St. George. Originally after the first appt they wanted to put Jayda on growth hormones but our insurance denied it. When I went to the endo today she said she could appeal it if we wanted to. She said that she would benefit from it because since we took her in October she hasn't grown much at all. No surprise there. She's been wearing the same damn pants for a year already.
The problem is that insurance companies are being butt holes right now because they are pissed and don't want to cover anything if they dont have to. As a result they are finding any reason to do so even if the person needs it. So she's finding herself having to jump through hoopes she didn't used to have to jump through before. Super frustrating.
So at 3 1/2 Jayda weighs 23 1/2 lbs (she weighed 23lbs in October so she did gain some but scales are different so you never really know) and she grew 1/8 an inch and that was after re-meausuring her because she showed no growth at all. So still something but nothing spectacular.
She asked Jayda why she didn't like to eat. She just shrugged her shoulders. Then she asked, "What's your favorite foods? Do you like Mac & Cheese?" Answer: YUK! YUK! "Do you like chicken nuggets?" Answer: Lick, lick, nod, nod! "Do you like apples?" Answer: YUK YUK! "Do you like bananas?" Answer: Lick, lick, nod, nod! "Do you like carrots?" Answer: Lick, lick, nod,nod! "Do you like milk?" Answer: YUK! YUK! Dr. Murray said that was pretty normal kid eating behavior. So nothing horrible there. She did show me one of her lab results showed that she may not be producing enough growth hormones but she wasnt going to get hung up on one number.
I asked her what she thought we should do and she said we should just wait and see. We have enough time to just wait but after 7 or so it gets harder to start the shots. The best time to start them is between 3-4. And we would have to give her a shot every single day for 3-4 years! Talk about horrible! Jaydas ears perked up when we said a shot a day though. As soon as we got into the car after the appointment she said, "Mommy, I'm hungry." Dang straight we will hold those shots over her head for a year. Although she said the shots dont make them gain weight, in fact she may get leaner. The shots just makes them grow taller and some cases they dont even work!
Dr. Murray asked Jayda if she went to school and if she liked it. Jayda of course said yes. She asked her to try to write her name and she could write a "J" and then just scribbles. But she knows her letters and can count. Freaking smart for such a tiny little body. She even got up on the chair, flapped her arms and said, "I'm going to flap my wings and fly off!" And then she jumped off. So the fact that developmentally shes on point suggests that growing is just something more cosmetic. Luckily shes a girl so socially its not as damaging. But shes still young enough that kids dont call her short yet. I hope no one makes fun of her when she goes to school because I will come beat down a kid if I have to.
Then right on cue in the middle of having the lengthy convo with the dr Jayda said, "Mommy, I have to poop." It smelled kinda like poop and shes been known to poop her pants in the past so my mind went immediately to, "You.have.got.to.be.shizing. me.right.now."
Luckily she saved it til after the appointment where I had to take off everything besides her shirt because she is too short to make it over without having to take it all off. Then I had to leave the bathroom because lets face it no one wants to be stared at as they drop a duce. This is all while I had Haven in my moby wrap asleep. Needless to say, I was tired by the end of it all!
So overall, the endo thinks she is not gaining but holding her own too. She also said something interesting. She said her not growing had likely nothing to do with what shes really eating. Shes not a big believer in putting whipped cream or potatoes in everything. She said thats just "her" no matter what you do. That made me feel a lot better because sometimes I wonder if I'm just not offering her the right foods.
She also said that if she continues to grow at this rate she will be between 4"11 and 5'1, but that could easily drop. Once you get into 4'8 territory you're looking at a special license for not reaching the stearing wheel. Turns out Dr. Cains concerns actually are valid since he brings that up at every single Jayda appt.
We shall see, but I'm not about ready to shoot up my 3 year old with hormones just yet. I think we all need a break from shots.
Speaking of which I went to the pharmacy the other day and I saw a paper taped to the counter that said, "Different flavors for progesterone." There had to have been 15 flavors. There were pina colada, chocolate, strawberry, etc. They said they highly recommended chocolate. Strangest thing I'd ever seen. Sounds like a yummy treat. Progesterone and chocolate. I mean I thought progesterone made me want chocolate so why not combine them from the start?
Anyways, Jayda's a little bug but I love her. I hope we're doing the right thing waiting the year. I think we are but I sure hope in a year insurance will cover it or else we're gonna have a super short kid.
Monday, February 25, 2013
When Boring is Just Fine
Since the beginning of my child bearing journey I've used my blog for everything. I've used it to update people on Jayda in the NICU so I wouldnt have to talk to them everyday or ever for that matter. Sorry. Truth. I've used it to vent my feelings of having a micropreemie and then having secondary infertility. I still struggle with that word. Sometimes I feel like a drama queen saying I had "infertility". To me it felt so real. I cried many months when auntie flow showed up, threw negative tests into the trash in anger, planned sex til my hubby A MAN said "PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" But then I look at my blogger friends who started this journey with me and are now moving on to the big guns, "IVF". Suddenly my measely 20 months of not getting pregnant seem so stupid to complain about.
I feel like I can finally just bask in being boring, staying home with both my babies and not worrying about another blood draw, ultrasound or drs appt. It feels so strange to not have something to look forward to anymore. My life was built on worrying about the next step. I could see the prize but it was always just out of reach. It was always one more month. One more ultrasound. One more NICU stay.
After I had Jayda I used to be jealous of moms that seemed so worryfree. Unfortunately Jayda's early months at home were spent with me acting as her nurse instead of her mother. I had to. You know when you have a problem with a true mother/daughter bonding when holding your baby down for a procedure doesn't even phase you. I would laugh when moms would complain about their "poor baby getting their immunizations". Please. Child's play. I felt like a nurse in the fact that I had to remove all feelings and just do even if that meant hearing my baby cry until she puked her guts up. And you know its an all time low when your hubby knew how to put an NG tube down your baby's throat at home. And that the dr trusted you enough to do it yourself. I seriously considered going into nursing after I had Jayda but then I thought I just can't clean up anyone elses shit.
I know I sound like a broken record, but this time its so different. I finally feel like a mom and not a nurse. I remember during Jayda's NICU stay if the nurse started cares without me I thought, "What a biatch!" When Haven was in the NICU one of the nurses asked me if I wanted to do her cares and I said, "That's ok. I'll just feed her when you're done." I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. I knew then that not only was this a whole different experience but I was a whole different person.
I hope one day when Jayda reads these entries (if she cares to) she doesn't think she was a plauge to our home. Ok maybe for the first nine months or so (kidding). But after that she's been an angel. I feel bad constantly comparing Jayda and Haven because my love for them is equal but different all at the same time. I look around at some of the bratty preschoolers around the neighborhood and think "Man I really got lucky with such a sweet little girl." That or the man upstairs finally decided to have mercy upon my soul.
With Haven I find myself in love. Like stupid love. Like the mom I hated but secretly was so jealous of. It doesn't matter if she didnt sleep well the night before or not I cannot help but just feel such a heartwarming love when I see those sweet morning smiles. I really got lucky with such a happy chill baby. Thank the Lord above! I'm not sure if its because I knew what to expect in terms of not sleeping and being attached to this thing that constantly wants your love, warmth and affection 24/7 but it sure feels good!
Sometimes I wonder if asking for one more is just pushing my luck. I mean I've ended on such a good note why ask for more? Ok maybe 33 weeks isnt a great note, but its pretty dang good to me. Some days I think two looks pretty good to me. Or as my brother Chris put it, "With two kids you can play man to man. Four you gotta do zone." Word.
Right now, man to man is looking better and better. But you can't ever throw zone out altogether. Ya never know, but right now I'm fine with boring. I finally feel complete and there's no sweeter feeling in the world.
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