Saturday, November 30, 2013

Dear women, lets get a hold of ourselves.

I've been itching to write this post for awhile. I really need to get some things off my chest.

Women can be mean. Really mean. And man, are we just insecure? Why do we need to constantly bring each other down just to make ourselves feel better?

I've seen it countless times whether its about how much of a genius your kid is compared to others (and NO I will not vote for your freaking kid) or whether you are 2 months post partum and fitting into your jeans. We get it. You are amazing and everyone else just sucks.

One thing though. Your life is not that great and pretending your family is this little barbie doll dreamhouse is all fantasy. I don't buy it and I guarantee no one who isnt in your little orbit buys it either.

I'm sure a lot of people were witnesses to the viral picture of athelete and mom, Maria Kang. I'll admit it. She looks DAMN good and good for her. But ya know what I don't like? The shame she projected outward. Sometimes it isn't about your explicit message but the implicit one. She was implicitly saying, "Look how great I look. Now all you complainers who use kids as an excuse to not lose your weight and look good like me are a bunch of lazy fat asses."


Now do you think that did any good? Do you think the mom that is feeling crummy about herself will now go to the gym because of that little piece of showboatmanship? Probably not. In fact, she'll probably pick up another pack of cookies and give herself a sugar high for the rest of the day and put herself deeper into the shame hill you've flung onto her.


After I had my first kid I felt really crummy about myself. *Cue the sad violin music* I had just had my little baby 3 months premature. Her situation after coming home wasnt normal and I felt ridiculously overweight and unhealthy. I had post partum depression and I just didn't feel like life could ever get normal again.

I constantly would make myself feel bad because I couldn't find the energy to lose the weight and I also had a baby with a compromised immune system who needed constant care and attention. Finally I couldn't handle the guilt and shame I heaped on myself daily and decided to get to work on myself. I became so unhappy with my weight that I was so desperate. I was willing to do anything. My mom had just done that dreaded HCG diet. You know that god awful diet that only gave you 500 calories a day and big red sores on your butt from the shots you'd inject into yourself? You know because thats COMPLETELY normal! She lost a bunch of weight from that diet and on our way home from her house I just started bawling to my husband. I told him I couldn't stand myself anymore and that I needed to lose the weight. We decided we were going to do it once and for all.

The diet sucked but the pounds were coming off, finally. Looking back now I just didn't know much about healthy foods. I thought a home cooked meal was a Ricearoni box and processed tortillas with cheese. At the very least the hcg diet brought me back to whole foods like vegetables and fruits that hadnt been part of my diet for awhile. I only did the hcg diet for a few weeks but those few weeks propelled me into my journey of losing the rest of the weight naturally. It gave me the motivation to work for the rest. It wasnt a conventional way to start but regardless its what worked for ME!

After the hcg diet I began to eat healthy and I took up running. I started at a couple blocks, then 1 mile and worked my way up to eventually running a half marathon. I became OBSESSED with working out and eating healthy. I lost about 30lbs and looked GREAT!

But ya know what? It wasn't good enough for me. No matter how much weight I lost, no matter how good I fit into my jeans I never looked good enough. It seemed that it wasn't about what I looked like on the outside after all that was affecting me but the shame women are made to feel if they dont look absolutely perfect. If I got to my goal weight I'd push the goal further down the scale, always telling myself I'd be that much happier when I was at 110lbs instead of 120lbs. I don't know one person who isn't striving to make themselves better but its much more than that. Women often buy into the lie that we will never be perfect enough. Never thin enough. Never pretty enough. Never stylish enough. Never expensive looking enough.

But you know what I realized? If we buy into that we will never be truly happy with ourselves. I got to a point that I was working out two, sometimes three times a day. I was working my butt off to look good. I was obsessed. And if I cheated on my diet then I felt like a complete failure. Then figured what the hell I already cheated I might as well gorge myself.

There is a big difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is actually useful because it corrects bad behavior. Its focus is on the wrong behavior and not on the person. Shame, on the other hand, is very dangerous. Instead of guilt where the focus is on the bad behavior, shame's focus is on the person being inherintly bad. At the core, shame destroys your soul and your confidence. If you use shame to correct bad behavior you will never be happy and you set yourself for a mountain of self-esteem and worth issues.

I mean if we're being honest with ourselves how many times have we uttered these words in regards to our diets, "I don't care. I'm being bad today."

Why are WE bad? Why can't we say, "I'm eating bad today."

Subtle but big difference.

I think many of us have had heaps of shame shoved onto us throughout our lives, either by the media and/or friends and family. In the age of social media its gotten even worse. It's no longer shame resulting from just magazines and tv shows. It's gotten more personal now. Its seeing our friends...sometimes not even friends but people we once knew on facebook. We often present our lives as perfect to the world on facebook and save the bad things for behind the curtain.

It's such a sham! I often say that fantasy is what pictures people post of themselves on fb. Reality is when they are tagged by a friend on fb. If you compare the two they are often drastically different. They havent been through the filter of perfection and show the person as they really are. Without make-up and without the right angle to appear thinner.

After I had my second child I didn't want to go the same route. Even though I was so healthy after I lost the weight with Jayda I wasnt truely happy with myself. Haven is now a year old and guess what? I have a ways to go to get back to my pre-pregnancy weight. I've lost about 30lbs so far but have about another 15-20lbs to go. But I'm going a different route this time. I'm going to lose it slowly and without the shame heaped on me day after day. If I want a piece of candy its OK! Just have a little peice, not an entire king sized kit kat that I feel I need since I've deprived myself of any happiness in the world. And if you know happiness you know its cholcolate! Don't lie to yourself, it's CHOCOLATE!!

I'm not going to kill myself in the gym twice a day and stay away from carbs and sugars completely. Because guess what? Thats not reality! What person truely eats "clean" for the rest of their lives? Probably dedicated atheletes. But guess what...I'm a mom not an athelete. I don't need to impress anyone. Its not an excuse but reality that I've faced. I've decided I'm going to be kind to myself. I'm allowing time to make the change. The realistic way. If I have a serving of ice cream im not turning my back on everything healthy. Im allowing myself to have a little bit of a delicious treat and thats not anything to feel ashamed of!

And until we as women present ourselves as we are, stop heaping the shame onto others to make ourselves feel superior, and live to hear how wonderful we are from almost complete strangers on fb, then it will never be corrected. And over time we will not only destroy our inner confidence which by the way is so refreshing and beautiful but we'll eventually destroy each other.

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Haven's first birthday!

I know I'm 5 days late but Haven turned 1 year old!! We just had a low key birthday over at my inlaws last sunday. It was perfect!

She's such a sweet little baby! Some of the things she's doing/loves are:

-She loves to play peek-a-boo. If I say peek-a-boo she will either put her hand over her eyes and then peer around them and smile or she will take some something and hide behind it. SO freaking cute! Jayda never played peek-a-boo like that when she was that age so its fun!

-She is pretty shy compared to Jayda and definetely gets stranger danger. Jayda never got stranger danger or really seperation anxiety so its a bit new for us.

-Also she HATES going to the doctor. When she goes she just clings on to me and when the dr walks in the room she will just bury her face in my chest. She knows shes going to get poked, prodded, and bugged. We recently had to take her to the Broncolitis clinic at the hospital because she had a cold and needed the boogers sucked out to help her eat and sleep. They get gowned up in a yellow gown and then laid her on the table to suck her out. We went a few times but after the first time the minute we hit the same room she just started crying because she knew what was coming. And when that yellow gown came rolling out she became unglued. Poor thing!

-Haven LOVES her big sister and she calls her "Ja". If I ask her where Jayda is she'll stick her hand out and say "Ja? Ja?" And look around for her.

-Haven loves to eat and has yet to deny any kinds of foods. Its wierd not being able to eat anything without her getting mad for not sharing. Jayda never did that as a baby so its a bit new for me.

-She is pretty mild mannered and goes with the flow but when she does get pissed she is not afraid to tell you. But for the most part she is a pretty relaxed baby.

-She still does not sleep through the night and she wakes up at the butt crack of dawn no matter what we've tried to do to change it!

-She's almost 20lbs! Crazy to think since Jayda is only like 25! haha

-If Jayda is playing with a toy she wants it. If Haven wants a toy, Jayda wants it more. Go figure.

-Another game Haven likes to play is to hit my face and I say, "Ow! Ow! Don't hit my face!" and she just laughs and keeps hitting me.

-She's crawling everywhere and shes gotten way fast. She's pulling herself to stand but I think shes still a bit aways from walking. That'll be so weird when she does though!

Anyways thats all I can think of right now but we absolutely love our little girl! She's such a joy and even after all we went through to get her here it was worth every tear and frustration. We love you Havey girl!

Pinteresty activities: What was worth it and what was not

These are some activities that we have been busy with. Some are pinterest ones and some are just fun ones. 1. Swig sugar cookies- Sorry, but this recipe that I tried SUCKS!! It took forever to make and it tastes like flour and butter. Oh and it took 3 sticks of butter and one whole bag of powdered sugar. GROSS!!

2. Halloween candy science experiment- The picture is pretty self explanitory but it was a lot of fun and very much worth it! Jayda guessed 5 candy right! She made her prediction of whether it would sink or float and then put her results in the last column. I'm raising my own little scientist.


3. Color making experiment- We decieded to do this one day when Jayda was learning all about colors. She now knows how to spell pink, green, black, and yellow. She's been interested in making different colors so we decided to put it to the test. It was pretty anti-climatic.

4. Halloween spider web tape- This looked fun when I saw this on pinterest but it was pretty much a waste. She played on it for like 5 minutes and then never glanced towards it again. Not worth the time or waste of tape. And its a pain in the arse to put down and clean up.

5. Easy up-do- My sister-in-law showed me how to do this and its SO easy but looks super cute! You just put the headband on but make sure to keep the band over your ears. Then you just take the hair and tuck it around the band. Then you can even put a bobbypin in to keep it in the right spot. You just continue doing that til you're done. I have really thick hair so I had to keep quite a bit out in the front but I just curled the extra. Super cute and it only takes like 10 minutes tops!

6. Pumpkin carving and painting- This was so much fun to do this year because Jayda understands the holiday a lot more. We're going to start doing this as a tradition! Love it!

7. Candy letter- Anyone remember doing this as a kid?! I used to do this all the time! I was trying to think of fun activities to do with the left over Halloween candy before it ended up in our tummy and subsequently our butt. So we decided to write daddy a letter. We played a trick of Jayda the morning after Halloween by telling her that we ate all of her halloween candy (Thank Jimmy Kimmel) which she did not like. That is what she was referring to in the letter. It sure made Chase happy when he got home and saw it!

8. Star gazing-Since I suggested star gazing Jayda wants to do it ALL the time! She loves it! One night Chase, Jayda, and I went outside in the driveway and laid some blankets down and looked at the stars. We found the big dipper and talked about space and planets. She already knows so much about the planets it amazes me!

9. Picnic with stuffed animals- When I'm feeling a little lazy I tell Jayda to go play outside while I watch from inside. One day I looked out to find her having a picnic with her stuffed animals. She also likes to line her animals up in a row and she lays in the grass and looks up at the sky. I wonder what she's thinking of.

10. Go to the library- Sometimes its the simple things. And getting a good book is always fun and you never grow out of it!