Saturday, March 31, 2012

Little Love Bug And Ovary Update (at the end)

My poor little bug has been through the ringer lately. She was brought to her knees one night by a cold and fever. She looked like this...and trust me this never happens unless she feels like crap.

Then the very next day it seemed she had beat it and looked like this....
Then today she was again brought to her knees by an awful ear infection.
Jayda had a sleepover with my mother-in-law last night and when she dropped her off today she didn't seem herself. She pulled at her ear and just started crying that her ear hurt really bad. I took one look at it and it was covered in yellow fluid and puss. If I even touched it the slightest she started screaming. So Chase and I put some drops we had in her ear. I knew it was instacare time (which means a long day adventure at the drs office) but Chase just thought the tubes were doing their job and draining the fluid, but mommy instinct told me otherwise. Plus she kept telling me, "Mommy, I want go to the doctor to feel much better."The doctor said it looked awful and that she needs to go see an ENT next weeks. And it looks like her tube is gone in one ear but still in place in the other.

Another problem I'm worried about is she is not eating at all (understandably so) and has lost a lot of weight. She was just barely 20lbs when we went in today. And I understand she'll make up for that and probably quickly gain that back when she gets feeling better but that just isn't going to fly if she keeps getting these stupid ear infections again. Plus she's had countless antibotics in her life and we are NOT getting c-diff again! That was pure hell.

It looks like we'll be getting our second round of tubes or at least thats what I am going to push for with the ENT. She can't afford to get an ear infection after every cold and then lose over a pound when she is already so underweight. We're trying to avoid the endocronologist up north but it looks like we'll be on our way up to him this summer if she continues to grow like this. Ugh just put it on my tab.

Oh and it couldn't have come at a wierder time. Jayda was pretty much potty trained except for when she slept. Was peeing and pooping consistently for two days. Then one day she woke up and didn't want to go anymore. She asked for her diaper and of course I let her. I'm not going to tell her what to do in that regards. I've learned from my classes that that's something you don't even want to mess with. Shaming or bribeing your kid into pissing or shizing on your command is not what I call a good time. So now she's back to what she was doing before. Of course when we went to the doctor she wanted to sit on the potty to pee. So I'm sure when she's over this she'll be right back to going potty. I'm in no rush though.

On the ovary home front. I'm happy to say that I am 97% confident that I ovulated ON MY OWN! No meds or nothing! Actually...yesterday or today as a matter of fact. Of course not the best timing but we are just talented like that. I did ovulate a tinge later than usual on the meds instead of CD14 it was CD17 or CD18 but that was what I was doing when we were TTC Jayda, so normal for me. I had the horrible swollen crampy feeling for a few days that I always get but today its gone so I figure it happened yesterday or today. It's a relief but I'm not really expecting anything.

I guess I'd be lying if I said I'm not holding onto hope that maybe my body just needs to do it on it's own but I'm not holding my breath. It would save me a serious chunk of change. But what it does mean is we are two weeks from beginning my IUI cycle and by my calculations we will be doing the IUI on the day of one of my final exams. That should be interesting....Go in for my final exam. Go home and get a sample of sperm. Then go have my dr stick it up my who ha. Sounds like a pleasant day. Yeee haw.

I'll be going to my appt before I get AF to learn more about the IUI and our exact plan of action. I'll be sure to update after I go. It really is so scary to think that this is the beginning of the end. I'll either be pregnant within 3 cycles of IUI or on to starting the adoption process. Either way our lives are going to change drastically soon.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Women. Competition. Kids. Uteruses.

Life is full of comparisions. Women are the worst at it. When you have children it just gets worse. Oh your baby is 9 months old and not crawling yet? Mine crawled at 5 months, but she's just advanced for her age. What size does she wear? Oh thats it? My kid grew out of that size at 3 months old. She might as well be wearing my clothes by now.


I don't understand what the competition is. Why it matters and what women are trying to compensate for? Does it help them to feel better to compare your children to others? Are they just little trophies to show off? But it happens and it happens even before you have kids.

Primary infertility vs secondary infertility. Micropreemie vs later preemie. First trimester loss vs second trimester loss vs third trimester loss vs SIDs loss. High functioning autisim vs low functioning autisim. The list goes on.

Are we that angry that we have to compare our hurts, our losses, our trials with eachother? Women always have to win whether its with baby milestones or how bad their life is.

Truely our trials are subjective. They are molded for us as individuals. What may be traumatic for one individual may not mean crap to another.

One woman may plan her entire pregnancy that she wants a natural water birth but things turn out differently and she ends up getting an emergency c-section. Healthy baby. Healthy mom. What more could you ask for, right? Not really. To that mom it wasn't about the trial compared to another mom. It was about her perception of the trial to herself. Her control over the situation was taken away. Her plan drained down the toilet. That is devestating to her, not necessarily everyone around her, but its devestating to her and that's all that should matter.

Let's face it we all would love to control what happens to us especially when talking about bad experiences. Could I compare myself to said previous example and say "Oh pahlease, wanna hear my birth story? I could take a crap on your birth story and it would still be better than mine." But what does that help? Does that lift me up? Is adding points to my crappy trial score card going to help me feel better? Wahoo. I'm winning at being pitiful. Best award ever.

Have I been guilty of this before? Has everyone? Sure, and I'll continue to have my moments where I just want to shut this lady up who's whining about what seems to me like a perfectly acceptable birth story to me.
But I've learned it doesn't help you feel better. You're not only tearing others down. You're at the bottom of the pile of the people you took down with you.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Growing Up Is Hard To Do

As the weather heats up and the winter clothes are packed away I really came to realize just how little Jayda is. There is this one shirt that Jayda has been wearing for literally over 2 years. It made me teary eyed to look at Jayda as a bald little baby. I'm so baby hungry starving it's ridiculous. And today it hit me that I really don't have a baby anymore. She'll be three in less than 3 months. I've been a sobbing mess all night long thinking about what that means.

This morning she woke up and refused to wear a diaper. She peed on the potty 4 times and had one accident in her Minnie panites. She said "uh oh I peed. Too late" and then covered it with her blanket.  She would walk around naked with her knees together yelling, "PEE IS COMING!!" and waddle over to the toilet. She had to get up on the toilet herself and insists on putting toilet paper in the toilet before she pees and then after. Miss little independent. Has a mind of her own. Hmm wonder where she gets it?

I was in the kitchen making breakfast and I hear that familiar little tinkle and realized she was doing it all on her own. I said to her, "Are you sure you want to pee on the potty?" But she is just determined to pee on that damn potty. I hope tomorrow she changes her the last 4 times I thought she was ready. Big phew :) I'm just not ready to completely let go of my baby. I know that as she is growing up and starting to sass me that my bald baby now with curly long stringy hair is disappearing and another one won't appear for awhile. That hurts more than anything. Having that "dropped stomach" feeling daily. Not so much fun (I know poor ole miss infertile pants). :)

It's all a bag of mixed emotions. I love seeing her grow and progress. I love how independent she is.I love that I'm not one of those moms that practically force the piss out of their kids to show off to their friends that their golden child is peeing by themselves "so" early. Here I am wanting her not to but scared that I don't want to hold her back from growing up. Boy do I have issues! Sad that my kid won't be wearing diapers.
Panties are so overrated.

Here's the picture progression of Jayda's poor little USED shirt. There are some shirts and pants that I got at my BABYshower and they STILLdon't fit her. Maybe when she goes to kindergarten. Oh man...kindergarten.*sobs*
May 2010 - 11 months old /8 months adjusted

October 2010 16 months actual /13 adjusted

March 2012- almost 3 years
Even if its just us three for now, I love this time with my family. I love that I hear laughs instead of silence. That I can tickle little feet whenever I please. That I can get loves and kisses every monring. My blessings are truely plentiful. I know that.

The surgery...

So on Monday I got my shoulder surgery. They found several bone spurs, butt loads of scar tissue, and some minor tearing of my rotator cuff. It's actually been a very easy recovery. I've luckily had a lot of help from family and have been able to pretty much be down resting since Monday. I'm now out of my sling but can't move it above my head for at least 4-6 weeks. My bandage is all puffy and so it makes me look like a football player. Needless to say its hard to find shirts that fit around it. It sucks having to have my hubby help me bathe, shave my arm pit (singular mind you), and dress me. But he's just once again shown how freakin great he is!

I have to start physical therapy on Monday. Whoop whoop.

Right before surgery. We didn't get an after. I was delusional. You never want to see that. :)
So as far as the uterus arena. We are holding off a month of meds and everything so I can heal from surgery. I think we would be fine to do the IUI this cycle since I'm already doing so well. Off pain meds. Healing well. But I'm swamped with school and can't do all these drs appts plus physical therapy on top of it. It's my last semester and I need to focus on graduating as much as I want to get pregnant. That is my goal at this point. I've worked too hard to let it go at this point. One month is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

I talked to my dr and he gives me a 50% chance of ovulating on my own. I think I will but it won't be on CD14 like I have been but probably more like CD17+ since thats whats the "norm" for me (at least the first time around). Norm doesn't describe my uterus in any fashion. I started AF yesterday and its a little scary not having to do anything and just letting my body do it's thang.

We'll see but right now I'm just going to focus on everything BUT concieving. I'm so nervous that the IUI is just  a month away though. Granted I have a normal cycle and not a 40+ one.

Here's to nothing!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Surgery....Sounds Like More Fun!

So screw IUI. My body decided surgery sounds like a lot more fun.

When I was about 13 or 14 I got in a bad car accident with my sister who was about 19 at the time. It was in the gorge and we totalled her car. The guy who caused the accident just sped off and didn't stop to see if we were ok. Douche. Ever since then my shoulder hurt me but it wasn't unbearable. It only hurt me when I'd work out or run but it was never to the point where I had to take pain meds or anything.

Then just a couple weeks ago when I was playing church basketball I hurt it really bad. So I decided to go into the Orthopedic Surgeon to see what was going on. He thought that I had a tear somewhere but he didn't really know where. So he ordered an MRI. Yesterday I went in to hear the results and he said that I tore my rotator cuff really bad. He said it looks like I tore it almost completely and I needed to have surgery within 4-6 weeks but preferably sooner since I had already had it torn for a few weeks already. The reason being is that he said the sooner you get it fixed the easier it will be to repair any damage and the faster it will be for me to heal.

So of course one of the first things I asked was how much was it going to cost because I have to pay a buttload for fertility treatments. The nurse that was in there to schedule the surgery was hugely pregnant and so needless to say it was awkward. They looked it up for me and said that it was going to be $375 for my co-pays. So just put it to my tab.

I contacted my fertility dr and he said that he would recommend we take a month off and postpone the IUI since I'll be just getting over surgery. My OS said it would be should be a quick recovery depending on how bad the tear is. But still  I probably should take a month off. Everything. Including the meds. It's kind of scary and at the same time a relief. It will be interesting to see if I ovulate on my own. I mean I highly doubt it espeically after surgery....but who knows

So I'm getting surgery on the 12th because its the beginning of spring break and I cannot miss school. It's nice I'll have tons of help from the inlaws too since they are out of school too. My mommy is taking the day off to help me initially. Good things it's my left shoulder and not my right. I need my right hand for school. The kicker is it's the week my period is due. A small part of me is scared I'm screwing up the plan for an eggy but who am I kidding? She's probably dead and gone by now anyways.

I am bummed to say the least but maybe it's meant to be. Maybe I need to take a month off of everything for not only my body but my mind. But you better bet once I'm healed were firing up my bad boys (ovaries) and gettin to business.