Saturday, December 31, 2011

None in the Oven Episodes

Today in a forum I belong to someone posted this video link and it really got me laughing. There are 5 episodes and they are all freaking hilarious and totally relatedable! We all need to laugh about it at some point...Enjoy! - Episode 1: "Advice" Episode 2: "Coffee" Episode 3: "Mattress" Episode 4: "Swimmers" (sorry there is an f bomb at the end of the video) Episode 5: "Expensive" Episode 6: "Dairy"

Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Grief Cycle and loss of control

DABDA. The grief cycle I have found can apply to many things in life. In many ways things can mimic the loss of a loved one, loss of a friend, or loss of control over your body such as walking, seeing, having children, or having a preemie.

I recently read a book for school called "The boy who was raised as a dog." by Bruce Perry (my hero). He is a child psychiatrist who specializes in children's trauma and works on high profile cases. One thing that he mentions multiple times in the book is that the worst part of trauma is the feeling of loss of control. The only way to restore a normal stress response to events after a trauma is to restore that feeling of control. You'd rather know what is going to happen (be that awful or not) than not know. Oftentimes children of abuse will prefer to be in homes with their abuser than without them because they don't like the unknown. They have never experienced anything else. Children of sexual abuse oftentimes will initiate the sexual activity and then drift off into dissositive thoughts during the abuse so as to safeguard their control over the situation. It's better to know misery is coming than to be miserable not knowing if its coming.

During my research this past semester on Acute Stress Disorder and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in NICU parents the same principle was applied. They found in several studies that parents that were involved in their babies care fared much better than parents that didn't. It's that loss of control over basic human desires. Being a mom. And when something that drastic is taken from a woman disaster strikes. To the soul.

No matter what it is, most of us have traveled round and round the circle. I know for me I have moved through these stages many times just in the past year or two. First with my micropreemie then onto infertility. Within a matter of days I may be on one stage and then revert right back to a previous stage. It's a very confusing process for many around me (sometimes even me) and I have lost  friends during some of these stages of grief. But it's my life and the strongest of friendships will prevail through it. And I'm ok with that.

These are some of the things I have said to myself or on this very blog in each stage. Some of these mostly talk about death but I think its interchangable with any kind of traumatic event(s).

Denial.  "This can't be happening, not to me."; "I don't have true infertility since I've already had a child."

  • Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored.
 Anger. "Why me? After all I've been through. It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; '"Who is to blame?"
  • Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgemental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.
Bargaining. "Please God. I would give anything."; "If I don't get pregnant we will just adopt, either way it will happen."; "I know there must be a reason this is happening."
  • Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.
Depression. "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "No matter what I do it's just not going to happen."; "Why try anymore?"; "Everyone is moving on without me."
  • During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.

Acceptance. "It's going to be okay."; "There's nothing I can do to change it so why stay bitter?"; "It will happen eventually."
  •  In this last stage, individuals begin to come to terms with their mortality, or that of a loved one, or other tragic event.

Not everyone even that has gone through infertility, loss of a loved one, or a preemie may experience these stages. Some are strong enough to be in acceptance for most of the time...oh gosh how I wish I could be that strong. Some will deny it until those two lines appear or until their baby comes home. But I can guarantee that I have felt each stage and most do. Some days its easy to accept and other days I just refuse to accept this. Either way I will be real about those feelings be that good, bad or ugly. And I refuse to apologize for that.

Monday, December 26, 2011

It's the most wonderful time of the year

We had a blast this Christmas! Jayda just loved that "Santa" came and left her presents. We didn't go all out this year since we are broke as a joke and she still doesn't "fully" understand the whole concept just yet. She'll have plenty of time to clean our wallets out as she gets older. Her biggest gift was a kitchen set that we found at kid to kid for a score of $10 and some fake food to "cook" with.We got her some other little things for which she was very excited about. She's been really getting into the imaginative play lately and its just adorable.

One of the best gifts this year was that Jayda finally fell asleep in my arms at church. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal to a lot of people but she has never her whole life done it while at church. I almost cried it was so precious. I know sounds so cheesy.

Our biggest gift from Chase's parents was a portable dvd player for the car (its awesome for traveling with little jader bum) and some cash (that was much much needed). My parents got us a really sentimental gift which my mom spent hours and hours on. It was super cool! It was this geneology book that went back tons of generations (I think like 27) on both sides. It has pictures and stories of them and it will be really neat to go through and read about my heritage and have it to pass down to my kids.

Our gift to eachother will be the sperm analysis that will rack up to about $150-$180. So precious. Oh what people will do to get babies.

I went and picked up my femara (well generic brand letrozole) on Christmas Eve (bummer) but I was so shocked to find out that it is covered 100% by insurance! My guess is that my insurance figured I was using it for something else since it is used for women with breast cancer as well. Regardless, it was great to have that little blessing even though it would have only been about $25-35. But hey that all adds up over the months.

Overall it was a great Christmas and I was so happy to spend it with all of our family.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

Therapy and Change of Plans...

Sorry for so many posts much of which have been quite depressing. I swear my life is not as bad as it seems but I come here on my rough days which I understand translates into "Ashley's life is just so horrible" which can be so annoying I know. But bear with me. My bloggy is my best friend  She doesn't say a word and just listens. No judgments. No nonsense. Just consider yourself a fly on the wall in someone else's juicy life details. : )

I went to therapy with Chase yesterday. It was an amazing experience and in essence it released this big bubble of anxiety I have been feeling. Chase,on the other hand, had a hard time with it since the therapist essentially told him to put his big boy panties on (ok he was nicer than that) and face the world even if you fear it because avoiding things you fear isn't going to make that go away. It will cause temporary relief but unless you face your fears and things that cause anxiety then it will just get worse and worse until you become an agoraphobic where you can't even leave your house. He said he couldn't avoid work or going to the store and that through gradual exposure that anxiety will eventually go away. When I asked him about holding off TTC he said absolutely not and that that was just another thing he was attempting to avoid and that there was no time like the present. Big gulps.

I really liked him because he is the same religion as us as well. He encorporated some of the basic principles that we have left out of our own lives lately: faith and couples prayer. Both Chase and I will admit that we are angry at God. We feel like he has sat up there with a checklist and once we go through one trial he puts a check and moves on to the next. It's exhausting after awhile and over time we've just been fed up with it. But he really gave me a new perspective. He showed me that as hurtful as it is, it's actually a compliment that He sees us able to overcome things that most couples don't ever have to face and the fact that we have remained so strong as a couple through all of this just shows our strength. And that is something to be proud of, not bitter. He said that from watching us it seems as if we have been married a whole lot longer than 4 years. 

Yesterday we did our first couple prayer since I don't even remember when. It was so hard for me to do and I just wanted to stop since I felt my heart softening and I hated that feeling. Not because I want to be bitter at God but because its just easier.

I've seen incredible changes in Chase. He has setbacks. Today when I dropped him off at work he puked before he went in but he WENT IN! I just love him so much and I just ache to see him in such agnony but I know he will get out of this and that babying him won't help. In fact the therapist forbad it saying that it would only make it worse.

I have been having him do a technique I learned in class called "Progressive Muscle Relaxation" and it had helped him SO much. Its literally like a shot of Valium for him. Go YouTube it if your interested. It literally makes for so crazy arse relaxation and everyone needs to try it once!

As far as TTC. I am doing femara this next cycle and hopefully Chase can get his SA done. More big gulps. We've also decided that if we aren't pregnant by March or April we will start the adoption process (for sure this time!) and just let go of ATTC.

I will be graduating in May and will then find a good job. Hopefully we'll be more financially secure and go through LDS family services which goes based off of income (thank goodness for church grants!). We're going to call there soon and set up an orientation just to gather more information about it so hopefully when we are ready to start we can just dive in with both feet. Either way I know this will all work out in the end and we'll finally be able to add to our family.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

"Crawft" time

Yesterday I asked Jayda if she wanted to do a "craft". She was like "Yeah! Yeah! Cwaft!!!" I kinda just winged it but I think we both needed a pick-me up. I just got some butcher paper and a little snowman thing for her to glue little pom poms on. I put some paint on and just let her have at it. She had a blast and felt so proud of herself for making her "man". She's my little buddy and I'm so lucky to have this cute little girl!

The finished "man"
Then later that night we drew on some butcher paper. She had a blast.

Sucky Decision

So my hubby is still in bad shape. He just isn't well. He has his good days but he really is just struggling. So yesterday we sat down and I told him that I think its a good idea that we skip this next cycle to maybe relieve some stress since I think Chase is just as stressed as I am at not getting pregnant. And that breaks my heart.

But I think we both need to get back to what life should be like. The kind where its not revolved around TTC. I feel like I am repeating the words of a couple of other bloggers right now since it feels like everyone is taking a break. It's so hard to make that decision since I know it most likely won't happen (if I even ovulate at all) and I'm at my most fertile right after an hsg. But we need to get him better and perhaps even me as well. I know its just going to drag it on but I guess no one can ever say I didn't just fully let God do his thang. Which is so hard to do.

I'm due on Christmas Eve (Happy Holidays Ashley!) for my period and I'm 99% sure that its going to come since I just know my body that well. My progeterone symptoms are already starting to slip away and thats a first sign for me. Sigh. But I'm just going to start focusing on being healthy again. Since starting to actively TTC I have really gotten off the bandwagon. I guess I'm just afriad that overexercising could really damage something (totally irrational I know) and I've been eating crappy out of stress and depression I think. So I need to get that back on track too.

It's such a sucky decision and I'm trying to fight it with all my heart but I know that its the right thing to do. For both of our mental healths.

It shouldn't be a long break (hopefully) but I definatly think at least a month or two. A month or two of pure faith and letting go.

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Update on everything

So my hubby is doing better. Not fully but he'll get there. His biggest issue is that his stomach hurts so bad he can't eat and thats what causes him to be so sick. If only he could eat and his stomach wouldn't be sour he would be ok and thats what is giving him anxiety. He did a lot yesterday though. He went and played basketball for a little at the park by our house even though it was very difficult for him. He choked down a small bown of Kashi cereal, had a half piece of bread, some gatorade and a few bites of chicken noodle soup. And thats a big improvement. Then he went and took his last final (go figure) and he failed it which means he failed the class. Talk about an anxiety boost. He is going to try to email his teacher and explain what is going on and hopefully he'll be more lienient on him. We'll see. But its not the end of the world to fail a class. We have all done it. So I'm trying to reassure him with that.

Then he went to work even though he was freaking out about it. He said he almost left a few times because he felt so sick but pushed through. I was really proud of him for doing that. So hopefully he'll keep making little improvements here and there. I'm going to try to take him out tonight for our anniversary and see how he does. My parents gave us a giftcard to Outback (his favorite) so I'm gonna try to get him to eat that. Hopefully he keeps it down.

As far as TTC that may be put on hold for now. I think that may be contributing to his anxiety and I don't want that for him. I told him we could skip next cycle and he doesn't want to since he wants a baby just as bad as I do but I think it might be best. We'll see how he is this next week but we have to make a decision soon after Christmas since I am due Christmas Eve (evil body) and I have to start the femara CD3. I went in for my blood draw yesterday (it was 18.6 so def suprise there). I doubt anything has happened this cycle. This is the most stressed I've felt in a long time and been shaking in anxiety most days so I doubt thats good for my body. But I told the nurse what was going on and that we may be skipping next cycle but to call in the femara anyways. We will definatly be skipping the sperm analysis this cycle though. No way Jose. So right now its all up in the air. I'm more focused on getting him better to where he can just function. Poor guy.

BTW: Thank you for the comments on the anxiety posts. I appreciate it. We will definatly keep those things in mind if this therapy doesn't work for him. Anxiety is so real and many people deal with it. Its hard to understand unless you have suffered from it or have seen someone close to you deal with it. Its so hard to watch the people you love go through something like that especially when you can't take it away. Its the worst feeling in the world.

I confess my sins

Ok I'll come out and say it. One of my biggest guilty pleasures is everytime I go to the store as I am checking out I always look out of the corner of my eye at the gossip mags to see if there is anything good. If there is I usually bolt over and pick it up. And I usually hear a big sigh from my husband. He never lets me buy them but sometimes I pick one up when he's not there. Usually he see's it and just rolls his eyes. When he is a woman he'll understand.

This is what I picked up the other day. When I confessed my sin to my husband I claimed I needed a pick me up. To which he replied "Well Khloe is big she could definatly pick you up." I think he's been watching too much "The Soup".

This was right next to this mag. Awful.

Then I began to wonder how Khloe felt having it all out there like that. How vulnerable it is to be in the public eye with all that pressure on you and negative people out there telling her she is just a jealous person when they have no idea what they are talking about. I know I feel pressure just from family and friends I couldn't imagine people I didn't even know putting pressure on me like that. I wonder how as she is gearing up for IVF how she feels about her sister....truly feels.

Obviously she is happy for her like any good sister would be. But how inside she feels to know that she still can't produce her own child and her sister is moving on without her. Especially with such an unstable relationship she has with Scott whe Khloe and Lamara are rock solid.

One day I'm going to have a serious chit chat with God and ask him whats up with that?

But its a wierd feeling. Its like half your heart is happy and half of it is sad. I guess we will find out when her new season arrives and its centered around her infertility.

But I do commend her for shutting out the negativity. I admit at first its easy to get involved with it because you care what people think of you but eventually it just wears you down and you just need to ignore the naysayers and focus on the positive people in your life. You can go round and round all day long worrying about what people think about you and try to correct them when you know they have you wrong but what good does that do? Typically they have their ears closed to anything you have to say anyways and already "know what they know"so really its all just a waste of breath. I think it is admirable that she is so open and honest about it. Its so hard to be out with it because then you get the negativity when you are completely honest about your feelings and it hurts others when it wasn't intended to. The fact is 1 in 8 women (about the same liklihood it is of having a preemie) deal with infertility and it would be a disservice to them to just have to shut their mouths about it and internalize their feelings because some of them are ugly. So go Khloe for centering a whole show around it! Holy cow I'm so glad I'm not in your shoes! Phew.

Can't wait!

Friday, December 16, 2011

How we spent our 4 year anniversary....

Well it wasn't as I'd hoped but I guess we were still...err.. together?

Chase had a major panic attack last night and I took him to the ER. He couldn't breath, his heart was beating like crazy, he was crying hysterically (and if you know my hubby he never cries, the last time I saw him cry was the night I was admitted to the hospital), he was shaking uncontrollably, and just looked in bad shape. The ER was pretty busy but they took him straight back. This nice old lady who was a volunteer got some ice and started rubbing it over his neck and face. She took his mind off of it by talking about illegal immigration and how they were ruining America.

Then they took us back to a room and they gave him a shot of aderal. That calmed him waaaay down, but unfortunately that should only be during very severe episodes. So its not a cure all and is highly addictive.

I know I have never talked about it here but my hubby has always had anxiety. Pretty bad but nothing compared to the last couple of weeks (starting about the day I did my HSG). He hasn't even been able to leave the house really. If I force him to come with me to the grocery store to just get out we end up on the side of the road and he starts to throw up he is so anxious about it. Its been really stressful for the both of us because I can't really go anywhere without this happening and he just feels awful because he doesn't know what is causing it.

Finally I said thats it we have to go to the ER and figure this out. I broke down and he broke down. My SIL came and got Jayda to stay at my inlaws for the night. Then we headed to the ER. My inlaws came down to the ER and so did my parents. My FIL and dad gave him a priesthood blessing which I think helped a lot too. I think it helped to know that they were there to support him.

He's already on medication and that doesn't seem to be helping. No surprise there since meds can't fix everything. So we set up an appt with a therapist that comes highly recommended by one of my good friends. He didn't have anything until next Wednesday but he talked to him earlier yesterday and said he needed to exercise 30 min a day and go to work no matter what. Not for the money but just to get out and be with people. He hasn't been to work in almost a week because he literally has an anxiety attack everytime he goes to leave. Might be time for me to look for a job.

So yesterday when I came back from school (last day yeahh couldnt be better timing) he hadn't exercised and didn't want to come with me to the store. Jayda was crying her head off and I had to go get some things. I was so frustrated that he wouldn't even try what the therapist told him to do. So I told him he needed to come with me to the store just to get out. He ended up staying in the car about to puke except he couldn't even puke because he hasn't been eating at all. He had a 1/2 piece of bread and a tortilla yesterday. The day before crackers he could hardly keep down. He's lost 10-15lbs in the last two weeks.

I'm just so worried for him and I don't know what to do for him. He joked after he got his aderal that he's just giving me on the job training since I'm going to school to be a therapist. Anxiety is SO real and I just wish I could take it all away from him.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

My cutie pie

These were all from the photoshoot that the Foundation at Dixie Regional did for the Jubilee of Trees. Perfect pictures. <3 them!

Update on little Jayda Bum

So we took Jayda into the dr the other day for her 2 1/2 year well check-up. Yeah for real 2 1/2 year check-up. Thats because we are "special". Aren't you just so jealous?

When Jayda stepped on the scale she weighed in at a whopping 20lbs 6oz and Chase and I were estatic! She FINALLY hit the 20lb mark! She was about 32 in which is what she was 6 months ago but I wonder if that was right the first time because they measured it a different way. All I know is that all her pants are too short so I know she has grown in length some.

So usually the doctor isn't concerned about her weight. Just writes it off to us being small and that she was just meant to be that small plus being a micropreemie probably helped that along. Well this time he pulled up her charts and she was in the 0% for weight and 1% for height. He said that if she keeps growing like this then she will only be about 4'10" or 4'11" when she is an adult. I'm not so sure I agree with that since I learned from another friend that has a daughter with growing issues that her endocronologist told her that you cant acquedatly determine adult height until the age of 4. So she has time. In the meantime, he said it would be worth it to send her to get some blood labs to check things like her thyroid functioning. Then he said it may be worth it to go up to primarys to see an endocronologist to check to see if there are any problems.

She did so well with getting her blood drawn and the phlembotomists were so suprised that all she did was go "Owie Owwwwieee, Mommmmmmy!" Her labs came back normal and the nurse said that the dr was going to send something up to primarys to see if they wanted to see her or not. He also had mentioned that maybe we would wait until the summer to do it since its 3 1/2 hours away and its butt cold outside (my words not his obviously).

So thats where we are at with her. I'm not concerned at all about it. She is doing everything she should be developmentally. She's talking up a storm and learning new things everyday. But I do think its at least worth investigating because if there was a problem I was ignoring I'd feel really bad. But definatly nothing to lose sleep over since she is healthy as a horse. She's just a small horse. :)

Friday, December 9, 2011

Infertility and Losing Friends

I've written this post and deleted it and then re-written it I think a million times because I know the words to say but just don't know how to put it into words if that makes sense.

Infertility is difficult. For everyone. Not just me but the people around me. Not for the same reasons obviously but because its so hard to know how to act. Its hard to know how to act especially when you get pregnant and your friend that you know is struggling isn't. I've been there. I know how it feels to have a friend going through infertility/repeat losses and to say the wrong things or to feel the guilt that you are pregnant but the other person isn't. And you feel like they want to laser you out of the room with those jealous sad eyes. And then think well they don't have to take it out on me. I've been there and it sucks too.

Grief is hard. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to others and everyone reacts differently. Some can stay strong put on a happy face and keep their tears and anger to themselves. Some lash out at others when they are having a bad day. I can say that I have done both and both suck hard. Not my proudest moments I will say but not everyone is perfect and not everyone knows how to handle grief especially when it doesn't seem to want to go away.

After I had Jayda I had a wonderful group of girls that I became super close to. It felt nice to talk to other women who knew what I was feeling and to get a shoulder when I needed one. Sometimes I miss those days because at that time we were all at the same point in our journey. Angry, bitter, celebrating our little babies triumphs. I imagine it as a big dirt road and we were all traveling on it. Some have since paved their road and moved on from the bitterness of preemie land and had more kids but I feel like I'm still stuck in 2009 on the same dirt road and its a lot emptier now. Sometimes its easy to forget those bitter feelings and posts about the annoying termie moms complaining/talking non-stop about their pregnancies. Oh how easy it is to forget.

Somedays you feel strong enough to root them on and say "OMG you made it past X amount of weeks, keep cooking mama!" And other days you just want to cry knowing everyone is moving on without you. Its really a wierd situation.

And it's not their fault that people can get pregnant without grief. But I guess you can't explain the resentment until you step in these shoes. You begin to take the role of "Well this person deserves it so she's exempt" "She complains non-stop so she's annoying" "She's dealt with infertility with her first so she's ok in my eyes" "She doesn't even like her husband half the time so why did God send her a baby?" Its not right but its human nature and everyone has done it regardless of whether they will admit it or not.

So take me or leave me. My bitter days and all. True friends won't spit on you when you are down. They will lend a hand even if they just don't understand your grief and just want to slap you and say "Just be grateful for what you have." Somedays you just need a friend to say "I don't understand but I'm here for you anyways." And some days you just need a pass from life. Today was that day.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Blog Award!

Thank you to Mommy-in-Waiting ( for nominating me! I feel humbled to think that I am an inspiration to YOU and to list me along with some amazing women! Plus you gave me plenty of new IF blogs to follow and scanning those blogs really put things into perspective that my situation truely is not as severe and maybe I'm just being a wuss.

Now, the rules of the award:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award!

2. List 7 things people may not know about you.

3. Pass the award to 15 other bloggers and notify them as well.
7 Things people may not know about me:
1. I dated Chase for 5 months before we got married. Then three months later we got married. And I was just barely 19! Next week we'll be going on 4 years strong though! Yipee!!
2. Some may very well know this about me but I have a sick facinsation with morbid things. I once asked a friend who had just given birth to send me a picture of her placenta. Yeah I'm sickly facinated by stuff like that.
3. I am very into politics and grew up listening to Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannidy, and Mark Levine. Now I think they are a bunch of nuts but politics was always widely talked about (still is) in my house.
4. I hate to admit this but as active as I am I LOVE tv. I have so many shows that I have to dvr and I seriously don't know how I ever make time for it!
5. When I was a little girl I would passionately write in my journal and imagine that it would be famous like Anne Frank someday. haha
6. I could eat Cafe Rio salads every day of my life and be just fine with it.
7. Even though from the outside I appear to be outgoing, when I am in a new situation I am terrified to go up and talk to people I don't know.
Blogs I nominate are:
1. My best bud Brook (
2. Yesenia (
3. Courtney (
4. Lisa (
5. Amanda (
6. Ericka (
7. Juli (
8. Beth (
9. Courtney (
10. Ashley (
11. Amelia (
12. Brandi (
I only did 12 because well I have a crap load of homework to do today plus I'm ovulating tomorrow. So uhhh...yeah got lots to do today. ;)

Monday, December 5, 2011

HSG results

Went in for my hsg this morning and holy shiz that hurt like a mother! The radiologist and her assistant were super awesome though and even told me the results right then and there. After the procedure she even showed me the pictures and explained it all. Good news is that my tubes are clear and my uterus looks normal. They did say that on one side of my uterus where one of my tubes meets up that the dye spilt out of the tube and into my muscles (and thats why it hurt so bad). But she said that it shouldn't cause me to have any problems getting pregnant. The doctor said that that is typical in women who have had children so I guess I shouldn't be worried about that.

Hopefully that flushed everything out and cleared a nice path for an eggy. If not on to femara and an SA next cycle. Which is probably going to happen. Not expecting anything this cycle honestly.

Sunday, December 4, 2011

I met the Sister Wives!!!!

So last night at the last minute we decided to go to the Dickens Festival and oh so glad we did! LOL As we walked in my hubby pointed and said "Oh geez theres your Sister Wives". And lo and behold it was Mary and Robin!! She had her new son Soloman and Mariah who is Mary's only child. I was like in awe because they looked exactly like what they do on tv! I kinda hestiated because it seemed like they wanted to be left alone. I even was like "Oh my gosh its ROBIN!" And it seemed like she was ignoring me, but there was this big huge guy on stilks that she was trying to get to take a pic with her so I think she was just preoccupied. So we just decided to go in. We shopped around and I found the CUTEST bomber jacket. I had been looking everywhere for a really cute one for a reasonable price. I got one on Black Friday from Target but it wasn't really one I liked and they didnt have the color I wanted. So I begged my hubby for it and so I got it! Ekkkk! I LOVE IT!

Ok so its really dark but in this pic I'm wearing my new jacket. Oh and I'm standing next to Robin and Mary. lol Don't you just hate that Robin had a baby a little over a month ago and she looks SO freaking skinny!

Anyways, we decided to go back on through and on our way I first noticed Mariah and she looked me dead in the eyes like "Oh great the crazy lady is back". Then I saw Mary and Robin and they were taking a pic with another lady. So I was like uhhh Mary....can I get a picture with you? She agreed and I said I just saw your special and it was sooo awesome. And that was ALL I could say to them I was so nervous! I just LOVE their show! haha I felt like such a dork! They looked like they were just tired of being talked to and they weren't as friendly as I thought they would be, but I guess I could see how annoying it would be especially if you just aren't in the mood to chat. But it comes along with it so oh well! I thought that was super cool and totally random!

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dr. Appt update

So this morning I went in for my doctors appointment. Since I have been ovulating nicely the last 4 months and still nothing has happened we decided to do more testing. So as I suspected he wants to do the HSG to see whats going on in my uterus and my tubes. The shocker was that he said he was going to try to get it covered by insurance since he suspects that there is just a bunch of blood and gunk left over from my c-section so he's going to label it as such. That would be nice if it was because that would save me $600!!

He still wants me to continue taking the clomid to keep me ovulating but since clomid can make your lining thin making it impossible for implantation then changing the medication may be worth it. So if I am not pregnant this month then he is going to switch it to femara generic brand (which just came out btw and is only $25-35 and that does not affect your lining and doesn't have all the nasty side effects that clomid does) and then do a sperm analysis on my husband. We are waiting on that because we both think it is me that is the issue and insurance will not cover that and the test is $150.

So that is the plan.

I get my hsg done on monday and if I do have blockages that the dye doesn't flush out then I will need to do surgery to remove it. If my tubes are clear then he said its still worth it because essentially it clears the "plumbing" making your fertility increase for at least 3 months. He said if I don't get pregnant soon after then he doesn't think I'llever need to do IUIs or IVF because I've gotten pregnant so easy before so he'll just keep changing up my meds and hopefully one time we'll get it. We shall see!
So I'm not sure if this is good or bad luck but this little statue that my mom got me for Mothers Day when I was pregnant (just a couple weeks before I had Jayda) broke yesterday. I bumped into the tv and it just totally got knocked off. I wasn't sure whether to take it as a sign or as breaking a bad curse. So now this little statue is sitting on my tv with its head off. Hopefully its not a omen of things to come. :)

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Jubilee of Trees

I cannot believe I overlooked doing this post. Sometimes I forget to really pay attention to the great things in my life and celebrate Jayda instead of coming on here to vent about my infertility. I had talked about Jayda being in the Jubilee of Trees but never made a post about it on here. It was on November 17-21 and Jayda was spotlighted as the baby of 2009 for the NICU. The Jubilee of Trees is pretty much a silent auction type of thing where people come pay lots of money for some really extrovagently decorated christmas trees. Different businesses and people will donate these trees and the proceeds usually go to a special cause. This year it was to help expand the NICU. It was super awesome and times like that make me really look back and see how much I am so lucky to have my little miracle baby. Here are some pics. We get the banner after they use it at the ribbon cutting of the NICU expansion! And yes its 6 ft tall!!

This was the NICU tree. Sorry its lopsided but I'm just too lazy to rotate it. Sorry. :D

My hubbys work tree. Candyland themed.

On to round 5 and more testing...

So I can't say I was suprised that this last cycle didn't work. I was expecting it because I've read that if you aren't pregnant after 3-4 cycles of clomid then its most likely not going to work (not sure if thats true but who knows). I was definatly preparing myself for this. In fact I had my clomid refilled almost a week before my period was due. Such trust in my body.

My dr wants me to continue to take the clomid and come in and talk about doing more testing which I'm sure means doing an HSG and a SA (sperm analysis). An HSG is where they shoot dye up your fallopian tubes to check for any blockages that may be obstructing the way for the egg to get to the uterus. The sucky part is that the test is not covered by health insurance and its $600! I think its hilarious (not really) that health insurance covers gastric bypasses and abortions but not infertility (as if its my choice). But thats a whole different post.

Sorry if this is TMI but this is an example of what the hsg looks for. I thought that was super interesting that they can do that. Sounds like a blast though to have dye shot up there. Can't wait......

I think the test will be worth it though because in thinking back about what is different from last time the only thing I can think of is scar tissue. I had a crappy emergency c-section and had issues with my incision where they had to re-open it and then pack it full of gauze. So who the heck knows whats going on down there now. But I think regardless its a good idea to do the test because I guess its supposed to increase your fertility since it clears the way for the egg. So why not give it a shot?

I just don't know what is going to happen if this doesn't work. Its not like we can afford fertility treatments. We are poor kids going to college, but does that mean we shouldn't be allowed to extend our family?

I'll update after my appointment. I just want to get this show on the road and try to be positive along the way.

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Thanksgiving Festivities

For Thanksgiving we went to my mom and dads house. So it was my parents, Me, Chase, Jayda, Travis, and my Aunt Annie. My mom is an amazing cook and had such cute decorations. Later on that day we went and saw Breaking Dawn (again) and it was AMAZING! My favorite one by far. Here's some pics of our day. Unfortunately I don't have any of Jayda because she was down for a nap when we ate.

Then for Black Friday Chase and I went out early in the morning (Jayda stayed at Chase's parents house). Honestly, I was kinda of suprised that there weren't better deals. We went to Pennys a few days before Black Friday to see what kind of deals they had. On Friday I noticed some of the prices went UP. I was eyeing this cute cardigan and was going to buy it but thought I'd wait til Friday. It went up in price by $3! But we got some things and we are pretty much done with Christmas shopping. Yeah!

Friday, November 18, 2011


Progesterone levels:
August: 14.3
September: 18.9
October: 16.6
November: 23.4!

Holy crapola thats a good number! I wonder if its such a good number because I got it drawn right on CD21 when the others I've waited til 22-23ish days. Who knows. So although I'm excited to see it so high I'm not getting my hopes up. Ah well. I knew I plopped out those little eggies right on 11/11/11. Plus I started my clomid on Halloween and I'm due for AF on Black Friday! What a creepy month. :0)

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Wierd Fashion Trends -Top 10

Ok since my last post was very doom and gloom I have to do a more fun one! Today in my class I noticed a girls shoe and it got me thinking about fashion trends I just have never understood. So I thought it would be funny to go through and list some of them.

1. Pointed shoes. You draw arrows not wear them.

2. Leg Warmers. We should have left those in the 80's.

3. Jesus Sandals. Seriously I would feel like a burly man wearing these.

4. Hippie Headbands. Maybe its because an Olsen twin is wearing it. Nahh probably not.

5. Big Furry Boots with Big Balls attached.
 Need I say more?

6. Forcing your baby to wear flower headbands that are bigger than their face.

7. Shorts with Leggings

8. Baggy shirts as a dress. Notice two of the pics so far are of an Olsen twin. Co-inc-idink? I think not.

9. Animal Beanies...disclaimer I think its ok for kids just not adults.

10. The Bump Hair Style thats a rat could live in.

That was fun.


Bitter feelings. It's the worst. You don't want to hang onto something that just isn't worth it. It eats you up inside and a lot of times the person you are bitter against doesn't even know it or even care.

Easier said than done.

Going through a micropreemie you really see who your true friends are. You see the people that you know want to say something to you but they just don't know how to say it or say the wrong thing and know it. Infertility has kinda been the same but still pretty different. When I had Jayda there was no denying her as a baby. People couldn't really not mention her because after all she was still my baby and she was still in existence. But when you have infertility its like you have an invisible baby. It hurts like hell when the lack of the baby isn't acknowledged but sometimes you just aren't in the mood to go down that road. Its a catch 22 really and really there is no way to win. I'll say it though:

I hate preaching. I hate when people tell me not to stress, leave it to God, let it happen, it'll happen eventually. I hate when people tell me they know how I feel when you know they really don't. That doesn't help a bit.

Fact is it hurts like hell when you support someone through everything...all the happy times and hard times even when it hurts to support them. It just hurts so much when people act like it isn't a big deal or when they just flat out don't say a thing. It's almost like a loss. As bizarre as it sounds every month when I produce an egg and it doesn't work out its almost like a loss for me. Such a good egg gone to waste. Dead even though it was never alive.

It hurts so bad to see someone that you view as your best friend for years just completely shut you out when I have gone out of my way to support her. I traveled to see all her babies. Gone to baby showers. Called her to ask her about how her pregnancy was going even when I would cry as soon as I got off the phone. And when I needed her most all she has said is "I'm sorry." Me: "For what?" Her: "Well you know...your uterus problems. You'd be suprised how many people have....problems....with....their...uhhhh uterus. That sucks." And that was it. The phone calls stopped. The subject avoided. Never brought up again. That hurts more than anything. More than anything. And the funny thing is she is so self absorbed that she doesn't even realize it. It's like I'm not even worth the time.

Lucky I have some great freinds that have stuck by me and sadly most of them are ones that have been down this road. At least I have a happy place for when I am having a rough day. I can't imagine not having a place to vent during the rough days. Luckily I have the best hubby in the world that has been there for me through everything even when I'm on clomid and want to kick him in the gonads.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

My new favorite recipe site!!

I want to try this recipe so bad! I just saw it on the morning news of all places. I went to the website called and its my new favorite website. I want to try so many things on there! Check it out!

Creamy Chocolate Pudding

2/3 cup of semi-sweet choc chips (look for a brand that is dairy-free like Guittard or Ghiradelli)
1/2 cup of Almond milk (I prefer the vanilla)
1 baked yam (after it's been cooled, peel removed)
1 avocado, peel and seed removed
2 TBS pure maple syrup, optional

Melt the chocolate chips and then combine all of the ingredients into a high-powered blender. Pulse until smooth. Pour into a prepared pie crust (I love the graham crust) or simply eat it by itself. Let it refrigerate for about 30 minutes to let it set up.

Then I saw another one just right below it that looks even better! I'm not a big Tofu fan so that is a little strange but I'd be willing to try it.
Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie

2/3 cup of semi-sweet choc chips (look for a brand that is dairy-free like Guittard or Ghiradelli)
1/2 cup of Almond milk (I prefer the vanilla)
1/2 cup peanut butter
12 oz Silken Tofu, drained
1 TBS vanilla
2 TBS pure maple syrup, optional

Melt the chocolate chips and then combine all of the ingredients into a high-powered blender. Pulse until smooth. Pour into a prepared pie crust (My kids love the mini graham crusts that come 6 to a package). Let it refrigerate for about 30 minutes to let it set up.

These are decadently rich, and no one would know they are made with TOFU!

Saturday, November 12, 2011


Definatly a lucky date for us.

1. We moved out into our new place and couldn't love it more!
2. I ovulated so if we did in fact conceive (fat chance I'm sure) it will have been on 11-11-11. But man if we get pregnant this month then I will be due within days of when I was due with my miscarriage. Then if we get pregnant next month we will have the same due date we did with Jayda. Creepy. We concieved Jayda on our 1 year anniversary (12-15-08) so who knows maybe we just need a cool date to make a baby. :D Don't you just love how TMI I am.

By the way....moving while you are ovulating on clomid is b-r-u-t-a-l. I felt like my ovaries were going to burst into flames. I was cramping so bad I was bent over in pain. Then when I would lift up a box I felt like I was a chicken plopping out eggs. :o)

So now we are all moved in except we have to organize a few more things and hang things up. I'm so excited to decorate our house. I haven't decorated our own place for awhile and I'm excited to have all my stuff back in one spot. My inlaws were great and it was great to as my father in law said "catch your breath" but we definatly needed to be out on our own. Now I'm just exhausted and want to take a nap.

But man I love that its just us 3 now. Our own little family.

Yup, nothing like sagging Dora. Ohhhhh yeah.

Thursday, November 10, 2011

So......drum roll please..... my first EVER positive OPK test! I've never gotten a + ever even the month I got pregnant with Jayda. I just figured this cycle I would try it since what else did I have to lose and boobang. That means we got 12-48hrs to get on that crap.

And the real kicker.....

We're moving tomorrow. Awesome. But we're talented like that. Like Tim Gunn says "Make it work" and we will. It just seems like there is always something going on RIGHT on the day I ovulate. Last month we were driving home from Disneyland and now this month we're moving. Ugh. Whatever.

On a side note...Jayda is having a blast playing with all the boxes. She "set up camp" and brought her blanket and pillow and just sat in there watching her favorite show Team Umizoomi. Just <3 her.

Yes.... she is in that box. Silly Bum.
We got a hand. She kept putting her face up against it and gave Chase a kiss through it. Shes crazy.