Sorry for so many posts much of which have been quite depressing. I swear my life is not as bad as it seems but I come here on my rough days which I understand translates into "Ashley's life is just so horrible" which can be so annoying I know. But bear with me. My bloggy is my best friend She doesn't say a word and just listens. No judgments. No nonsense. Just consider yourself a fly on the wall in someone else's juicy life details. : )
I went to therapy with Chase yesterday. It was an amazing experience and in essence it released this big bubble of anxiety I have been feeling. Chase,on the other hand, had a hard time with it since the therapist essentially told him to put his big boy panties on (ok he was nicer than that) and face the world even if you fear it because avoiding things you fear isn't going to make that go away. It will cause temporary relief but unless you face your fears and things that cause anxiety then it will just get worse and worse until you become an agoraphobic where you can't even leave your house. He said he couldn't avoid work or going to the store and that through gradual exposure that anxiety will eventually go away. When I asked him about holding off TTC he said absolutely not and that that was just another thing he was attempting to avoid and that there was no time like the present. Big gulps.
I really liked him because he is the same religion as us as well. He encorporated some of the basic principles that we have left out of our own lives lately: faith and couples prayer. Both Chase and I will admit that we are angry at God. We feel like he has sat up there with a checklist and once we go through one trial he puts a check and moves on to the next. It's exhausting after awhile and over time we've just been fed up with it. But he really gave me a new perspective. He showed me that as hurtful as it is, it's actually a compliment that He sees us able to overcome things that most couples don't ever have to face and the fact that we have remained so strong as a couple through all of this just shows our strength. And that is something to be proud of, not bitter. He said that from watching us it seems as if we have been married a whole lot longer than 4 years.
Yesterday we did our first couple prayer since I don't even remember when. It was so hard for me to do and I just wanted to stop since I felt my heart softening and I hated that feeling. Not because I want to be bitter at God but because its just easier.
I've seen incredible changes in Chase. He has setbacks. Today when I dropped him off at work he puked before he went in but he WENT IN! I just love him so much and I just ache to see him in such agnony but I know he will get out of this and that babying him won't help. In fact the therapist forbad it saying that it would only make it worse.
I have been having him do a technique I learned in class called "Progressive Muscle Relaxation" and it had helped him SO much. Its literally like a shot of Valium for him. Go YouTube it if your interested. It literally makes for so crazy arse relaxation and everyone needs to try it once!
As far as TTC. I am doing femara this next cycle and hopefully Chase can get his SA done. More big gulps. We've also decided that if we aren't pregnant by March or April we will start the adoption process (for sure this time!) and just let go of ATTC.
I will be graduating in May and will then find a good job. Hopefully we'll be more financially secure and go through LDS family services which goes based off of income (thank goodness for church grants!). We're going to call there soon and set up an orientation just to gather more information about it so hopefully when we are ready to start we can just dive in with both feet. Either way I know this will all work out in the end and we'll finally be able to add to our family.