I've written this post and deleted it and then re-written it I think a million times because I know the words to say but just don't know how to put it into words if that makes sense.
Infertility is difficult. For everyone. Not just me but the people around me. Not for the same reasons obviously but because its so hard to know how to act. Its hard to know how to act especially when you get pregnant and your friend that you know is struggling isn't. I've been there. I know how it feels to have a friend going through infertility/repeat losses and to say the wrong things or to feel the guilt that you are pregnant but the other person isn't. And you feel like they want to laser you out of the room with those jealous sad eyes. And then think well they don't have to take it out on me. I've been there and it sucks too.
Grief is hard. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to others and everyone reacts differently. Some can stay strong put on a happy face and keep their tears and anger to themselves. Some lash out at others when they are having a bad day. I can say that I have done both and both suck hard. Not my proudest moments I will say but not everyone is perfect and not everyone knows how to handle grief especially when it doesn't seem to want to go away.
After I had Jayda I had a wonderful group of girls that I became super close to. It felt nice to talk to other women who knew what I was feeling and to get a shoulder when I needed one. Sometimes I miss those days because at that time we were all at the same point in our journey. Angry, bitter, celebrating our little babies triumphs. I imagine it as a big dirt road and we were all traveling on it. Some have since paved their road and moved on from the bitterness of preemie land and had more kids but I feel like I'm still stuck in 2009 on the same dirt road and its a lot emptier now. Sometimes its easy to forget those bitter feelings and posts about the annoying termie moms complaining/talking non-stop about their pregnancies. Oh how easy it is to forget.
Somedays you feel strong enough to root them on and say "OMG you made it past X amount of weeks, keep cooking mama!" And other days you just want to cry knowing everyone is moving on without you. Its really a wierd situation.
And it's not their fault that people can get pregnant without grief. But I guess you can't explain the resentment until you step in these shoes. You begin to take the role of "Well this person deserves it so she's exempt" "She complains non-stop so she's annoying" "She's dealt with infertility with her first so she's ok in my eyes" "She doesn't even like her husband half the time so why did God send her a baby?" Its not right but its human nature and everyone has done it regardless of whether they will admit it or not.
So take me or leave me. My bitter days and all. True friends won't spit on you when you are down. They will lend a hand even if they just don't understand your grief and just want to slap you and say "Just be grateful for what you have." Somedays you just need a friend to say "I don't understand but I'm here for you anyways." And some days you just need a pass from life. Today was that day.