Easier said than done.
Going through a micropreemie you really see who your true friends are. You see the people that you know want to say something to you but they just don't know how to say it or say the wrong thing and know it. Infertility has kinda been the same but still pretty different. When I had Jayda there was no denying her as a baby. People couldn't really not mention her because after all she was still my baby and she was still in existence. But when you have infertility its like you have an invisible baby. It hurts like hell when the lack of the baby isn't acknowledged but sometimes you just aren't in the mood to go down that road. Its a catch 22 really and really there is no way to win. I'll say it though:
I hate preaching. I hate when people tell me not to stress, leave it to God, let it happen, it'll happen eventually. I hate when people tell me they know how I feel when you know they really don't. That doesn't help a bit.
Fact is it hurts like hell when you support someone through everything...all the happy times and hard times even when it hurts to support them. It just hurts so much when people act like it isn't a big deal or when they just flat out don't say a thing. It's almost like a loss. As bizarre as it sounds every month when I produce an egg and it doesn't work out its almost like a loss for me. Such a good egg gone to waste. Dead even though it was never alive.
It hurts so bad to see someone that you view as your best friend for years just completely shut you out when I have gone out of my way to support her. I traveled to see all her babies. Gone to baby showers. Called her to ask her about how her pregnancy was going even when I would cry as soon as I got off the phone. And when I needed her most all she has said is "I'm sorry." Me: "For what?" Her: "Well you know...your uterus problems. You'd be suprised how many people have....problems....with....their...uhhhh uterus. That sucks." And that was it. The phone calls stopped. The subject avoided. Never brought up again. That hurts more than anything. More than anything. And the funny thing is she is so self absorbed that she doesn't even realize it. It's like I'm not even worth the time.Lucky I have some great freinds that have stuck by me and sadly most of them are ones that have been down this road. At least I have a happy place for when I am having a rough day. I can't imagine not having a place to vent during the rough days. Luckily I have the best hubby in the world that has been there for me through everything even when I'm on clomid and want to kick him in the gonads.
I find this problem too with many of my friends. My hubby and I are kind of the black sheep as we are the only ones without children in our large group of friends. Until you have dealt with infertility, you don't get it. People can be supportive, but I find that it takes a lot of support in a variety of ways for me to notice who my infertility problems really matter to. The journey to conceive is so emotional and ever changing. We TTC-ers need support and need a place to vent as we feel so powerless and like we are always waiting for something (a positive HPT, our next appointment, waiting to take progesterone pills...always waiting on something!)
ReplyDeleteI have a dear friend who knows my body so well it impresses me! She will text me to make sure that she knows what cycle day I am on... it's things like that where I feel supported, yet I can honestly say that I only have 2 people in my life like that- my hubby and my best friend.
I really enjoy reading your blog and although I do not know you personally, I understand your frustrations perfectly. I hope you're feeling a bit better since writing this blog.
I am so sorry to hear about your friend, I don't understand how she isn't there for you like you've been there for her. I guess it just goes to show who the real friends are, and which ones "get" you the best. I love how you explained infertility as the invisible baby and how each egg that turns to nothing each failed cycle is such a monumental loss. It's hard to grasp that without living it, but it sounds like she didn't really try. Thank goodness for the friends we make while struggling with infertility and for our wonderful husbands. (Hugs) Hang in there, I know your time will come=)
ReplyDeleteash! so this isn't regarding any difficult problems, but i totally know what you mean about the whole friendship thing. i kinda just recently lost a friend in that situation too. we used to be best friends, but at some point in life she made others, and that's fine. but when i got married first, she came to my wedding - that was nice, but her mom bought us a gift. she didn't come to any of the showers or buy any other gifts - which is fine, life is not about gifts, but...so when i got prego first, she made it all so exciting and how she was going to spoil our boy, but....when he was born, i don't remember seeing any congratulations from her, or a text message. 2 months later, she invited me to a mutual friend's shower, sat next to me and completely turned away from me, ignoring me, laughing her head off with her OTHER friend. oh, and then, she asked me what my kid's name was. and he was 3 months old....and it's not like i don't post on facebook about him....
ReplyDeletelater, when she got married, her OTHER friends were her brides maids and don't worry, they made it into her wedding album. so by then, it was clear that i would no longer be her close friend. and that's just how it's been......
our relationship got cut off somehow and i am guessing my feelings were hurt more than hers.
after she had her kid, i asked if i could come visit her, and she cancelled both times. so eventually i just gave up. sorry this is really long, but...i know what you mean about how friendships breaking can hurt, and i am sorry about your friend leaving you like that!
Psh thats bull Alli! I would delete her off facebook! You should come hang out with me and Mills! We do a play date every friday!
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