Endo Part 2

Ok so I lied. My life is not completely boring. I guess you can never get completely off preemie island but we like to pretend we are most of the time. Its a nasty island, but its better to be on land than stuck in the water without anything holding us up.

Today we had our follow up appt with the endocronologist for Jayda. We had to travel up north when I was 32 weeks pregnant to see the endo up there. Talk about close call with having Haven! Good thing she waited the extra week or else maybe we would've had a high way baby! Yikes! What a sight that would have been!

Ironically when we went up there they told us there was a endo that came down every so often to St. George. Why they didnt tell me that over the phone? I have no idea. I guess they just wanted to see me huff and puff my way into their office, pirate faced and all. I was quite the sight to behold when we went up there.I kept wiping my watery eyes and drool from my mouth with a tissue as she explained why my daughter might not be growing. By the end of the appt she asked me if I was ok and instead of growling at her like I wanted to I just said, "Its bells palsy. Story of my life."

When I went to schedule the follow-up they instead scheduled me with Dr. Murray who is the one that comes down to St. George. Originally after the first appt they wanted to put Jayda on growth hormones but our insurance denied it. When I went to the endo today she said she could appeal it if we wanted to. She said that she would benefit from it because since we took her in October she hasn't grown much at all. No surprise there. She's been wearing the same damn pants for a year already.

The problem is that insurance companies are being butt holes right now because they are pissed and don't want to cover anything if they dont have to. As a result they are finding any reason to do so even if the person needs it. So she's finding herself having to jump through hoopes she didn't used to have to jump through before. Super frustrating.

So at 3 1/2 Jayda weighs 23 1/2 lbs (she weighed 23lbs in October so she did gain some but scales are different so you never really know) and she grew 1/8 an inch and that was after re-meausuring her because she showed no growth at all. So still something but nothing spectacular.

She asked Jayda why she didn't like to eat. She just shrugged her shoulders. Then she asked, "What's your favorite foods? Do you like Mac & Cheese?" Answer: YUK! YUK! "Do you like chicken nuggets?" Answer: Lick, lick, nod, nod! "Do you like apples?" Answer: YUK YUK! "Do you like bananas?" Answer: Lick, lick, nod, nod! "Do you like carrots?" Answer: Lick, lick, nod,nod! "Do you like milk?" Answer: YUK! YUK! Dr. Murray said that was pretty normal kid eating behavior. So nothing horrible there. She did show me one of her lab results showed that she may not be producing enough growth hormones but she wasnt going to get hung up on one number.

I asked her what she thought we should do and she said we should just wait and see. We have enough time to just wait but after 7 or so it gets harder to start the shots. The best time to start them is between 3-4. And we would have to give her a shot every single day for 3-4 years! Talk about horrible! Jaydas ears perked up when we said a shot a day though. As soon as we got into the car after the appointment she said, "Mommy, I'm hungry." Dang straight we will hold those shots over her head for a year. Although she said the shots dont make them gain weight, in fact she may get leaner. The shots just makes them grow taller and some cases they dont even work!

Dr. Murray asked Jayda if she went to school and if she liked it. Jayda of course said yes. She asked her to try to write her name and she could write a "J" and then just scribbles. But she knows her letters and can count. Freaking smart for such a tiny little body. She even got up on the chair, flapped her arms and said, "I'm going to flap my wings and fly off!" And then she jumped off. So the fact that developmentally shes on point suggests that growing is just something more cosmetic. Luckily shes a girl so socially its not as damaging. But shes still young enough that kids dont call her short yet. I hope no one makes fun of her when she goes to school because I will come beat down a kid if I have to.

Then right on cue in the middle of having the lengthy convo with the dr Jayda said, "Mommy, I have to poop." It smelled kinda like poop and shes been known to poop her pants in the past so my mind went immediately to, "You.have.got.to.be.shizing. me.right.now."

Luckily she saved it til after the appointment where I had to take off everything besides her shirt because she is too short to make it over without having to take it all off. Then I had to leave the bathroom because lets face it no one wants to be stared at as they drop a duce. This is all while I had Haven in my moby wrap asleep. Needless to say, I was tired by the end of it all!

So overall, the endo thinks she is not gaining but holding her own too. She also said something interesting. She said her not growing had likely nothing to do with what shes really eating. Shes not a big believer in putting whipped cream or potatoes in everything. She said thats just "her" no matter what you do. That made me feel a lot better because sometimes I wonder if I'm just not offering her the right foods.

She also said that if she continues to grow at this rate she will be between 4"11 and 5'1, but that could easily drop. Once you get into 4'8 territory you're looking at a special license for not reaching the stearing wheel. Turns out Dr. Cains concerns actually are valid since he brings that up at every single Jayda appt.

We shall see, but I'm not about ready to shoot up my 3 year old with hormones just yet. I think we all need a break from shots.

Speaking of which I went to the pharmacy the other day and I saw a paper taped to the counter that said, "Different flavors for progesterone." There had to have been 15 flavors. There were pina colada, chocolate, strawberry, etc. They said they highly recommended chocolate. Strangest thing I'd ever seen. Sounds like a yummy treat. Progesterone and chocolate. I mean I thought progesterone made me want chocolate so why not combine them from the start?

Anyways, Jayda's a little bug but I love her. I hope we're doing the right thing waiting the year. I think we are but I sure hope in a year insurance will cover it or else we're gonna have a super short kid.

When Boring is Just Fine

I know I've been MIA recently. That has to do with the fact that we've moved to a bigger place, busy with 2 kiddos, and the fact that I have nothing new or exciting to add. But I guess I'm in an introspective mood. So here goes nothing.

Since the beginning of my child bearing journey I've used my blog for everything. I've used it to update people on Jayda in the NICU so I wouldnt have to talk to them everyday or ever for that matter. Sorry. Truth. I've used it to vent my feelings of having a micropreemie and then having secondary infertility. I still struggle with that word. Sometimes I feel like a drama queen saying I had "infertility". To me it felt so real. I cried many months when auntie flow showed up, threw negative tests into the trash in anger, planned sex til my hubby A MAN said "PLEASE NOT AGAIN!" But then I look at my blogger friends who started this journey with me and are now moving on to the big guns, "IVF". Suddenly my measely 20 months of not getting pregnant seem so stupid to complain about.

I feel like I can finally just bask in being boring, staying home with both my babies and not worrying about another blood draw, ultrasound or drs appt. It feels so strange to not have something to look forward to anymore. My life was built on worrying about the next step. I could see the prize but it was always just out of reach. It was always one more month. One more ultrasound. One more NICU stay.

After I had Jayda I used to be jealous of moms that seemed so worryfree. Unfortunately Jayda's early months at home were spent with me acting as her nurse instead of her mother. I had to. You know when you have a problem with a true mother/daughter bonding when holding your baby down for a procedure doesn't even phase you. I would laugh when moms would complain about their "poor baby getting their immunizations". Please. Child's play. I felt like a nurse in the fact that I had to remove all feelings and just do even if that meant hearing my baby cry until she puked her guts up. And you know its an all time low when your hubby knew how to put an NG tube down your baby's throat at home. And that the dr trusted you enough to do it yourself. I seriously considered going into nursing after I had Jayda but then I thought I just can't clean up anyone elses shit.

I know I sound like a broken record, but this time its so different. I finally feel like a mom and not a nurse. I remember during Jayda's NICU stay if the nurse started cares without me I thought, "What a biatch!" When Haven was in the NICU one of the nurses asked me if I wanted to do her cares and I said, "That's ok. I'll just feed her when you're done." I couldn't believe the words that came out of my mouth. I knew then that not only was this a whole different experience but I was a whole different person.

I hope one day when Jayda reads these entries (if she cares to) she doesn't think she was a plauge to our home. Ok maybe for the first nine months or so (kidding). But after that she's been an angel. I feel bad constantly comparing Jayda and Haven because my love for them is equal but different all at the same time. I look around at some of the bratty preschoolers around the neighborhood and think "Man I really got lucky with such a sweet little girl." That or the man upstairs finally decided to have mercy upon my soul.

With Haven I find myself in love. Like stupid love. Like the mom I hated but secretly was so jealous of. It doesn't matter if she didnt sleep well the night before or not I cannot help but just feel such a heartwarming love when I see those sweet morning smiles. I really got lucky with such a happy chill baby. Thank the Lord above! I'm not sure if its because I knew what to expect in terms of not sleeping and being attached to this thing that constantly wants your love, warmth and affection 24/7 but it sure feels good!

Sometimes I wonder if asking for one more is just pushing my luck. I mean I've ended on such a good note why ask for more? Ok maybe 33 weeks isnt a great note, but its pretty dang good to me. Some days I think two looks pretty good to me. Or as my brother Chris put it, "With two kids you can play man to man. Four you gotta do zone." Word.

Right now, man to man is looking better and better. But you can't ever throw zone out altogether. Ya never know, but right now I'm fine with boring. I finally feel complete and there's no sweeter feeling in the world.

Feeding the Human Part 2

Several weeks ago I posted about how breastfeeding was so freaking hard and I was going crazy. There were several days I just wanted to quit and give her the bottle. It seemed like she just couldn't figure it out. Some days she would breastfeed good and others days she just wanted the bottle it seemed or she wanted to be on me all day and night. Then on top of it I was pumping after every feeding to keep my supply up. It was super frustrating and there were several days that I wondered why I was torturing myself so much.

But then I read some golden advice on a breastfeeding support board: "Never ever quit on your worst day. If you are going to quit, no shame in that, but if you do quit then quit on your best day. That way you wont ever regret your decision made out of frustration."

So I did just that. On those days that I was crying and wanted to pull my hair out I thought....no not on my worst day. One day even Chase was done with it. He was sick of me complaining and just said, "Well why don't you just quit then?" I was so angry at him. And no one tells me to quit anything. So I was even more motivated to stick with it.

Well I am pleased to say its gotten a lot easier! In fact the little stink loves breastfeeding so much she wont even take a bottle! SMH! Ok well thats a little bit dramatic. She'll take a bottle if we leave her with my MIL but it takes her forever. We left her for four hours for Chases work thing (signed his contract to go on salary and out with the big wigs for lunch)and she took forever to take a bottle of 3 oz. She was fussing when I got home as my MIL was trying to feed her and the minute I put her on she just downed her feed.

If I'm home, forget it! Even if I'm in the other room she won't take it! That makes it hard at nights because she was sleeping so crappy. Literally she was up every 45 min-1 wanting to eat or come lay in bed with me. Now that we keep her up more during the day she sleeps better but still not the best. Chase wanted to let me sleep a couple of nights but nope she wouldnt eat for him. The minute he brought her in to me she ate and went right to sleep.

And no co-sleeping is not an option. I have found I'm not a cuddler by nature. At least not when I'm trying to sleep. Call me crazy but I'd rather sleep without someone sucking on my nipple all night long. I know crazy. Plus the times I have tried co-sleeping for her to breastfeed I wake up to a huge burp, the feeling of wet slime all over my body and a puddle of milk on my sheets. No thank you. Not to mention my back kills me with the side lying position. Anyone that knows me knows I'm very finnicky about my positions....er maybe not...I meant sleep positions. Sheesh.

Its the best feeling in the world to get the most smiles out of her then anyone else. And when Chase brings her to me to eat at night the first thing she does is smile when she sees my face or hears my voice. And knowing that she prefers me to anyone else and that she relies on me so much makes me so happy. Maybe talk to me in a few months but right now I love it.

Maybe it's a control thing... I dont know. But after having so many instances in my baby making career where I lost all sense of control its nice to finally feel like I'm doing something right. That I can do something for my baby that no one else can do. That is the total opposite of how I felt with Jayda first when we were in the NICU and then when we brought Jayda home and she wouldn't eat. I felt so helpless and relied heavily on Chase to take care of her because I swore up and down that she hated me and that I could do nothing to comfort her cries. She cried all the time. Then Chase would come home from work, hold her and she'd calm right down. I swore she hated me so bad she didnt even want to be inside me and thats why she broke free from my womb of death.

Its funny now we tell her what a horrible baby she was and she just laughs. I tell her that when she was a baby she said, "Waaaahhhhhhh, BARF, Waaahhhhhhh, BARF, Waaahhhhhhh." All.day.long. For months. So now she just mocks herself and laughs. Waaahhhh waahhhh waahhhh BARF. At least now we can all laugh about it. Because at the time it was.not.funny. I'm suprised we all made it out alive.

I think this time Chase feels how I felt. Like he cant do much with her but hold her until I take her to feed her and then put her to sleep. But I warned him when I was pregnant that he may have won over the first child but he was to not even think about doing the same with Haven. And my plan has been successful. Muahahahaha.

One thing that does drive me crazy is that Haven hates her nursing cover and so if were out in public I have to find some dark cold vacant room to nurse her in. Again with the dramatics. Seriously if people were cool with it I would just pop those suckers out. I wouldnt care but I know it would wierd some people out.

When I was pregnant with Haven I went out to eat with a friend and noticed a girl was breastfeeding her kid and I could see her boob although it wasnt like in your face type of thing, just the side of it a little. Most people just gawk and say how gross it is but I seriously wanted to go up to her and tell her how awesome she was. I wish I had guts like that but I understand how it could make some people uncomfortable. I guess people just dont like boobs and food. I thought that describes most men but apparantly not when in relation to a baby. Go figure.