Friday, May 11, 2012

The Lost Footage

On my facebook there is this page for those in my area to do a "virtual garage sale". People post all kinds of things. So the other day I decided that I was going to post this video camera that has been sitting in our house for literally years. The last time we used it was when Jayda was just home from the NICU. Chase's parents got us an upgraded version so there was just no reason to use it so I decided to just sell it. Before we gave it to the person we sold it to I had to make sure there wasn't anything on the camera. Boy, am I glad I did.
I found over an hour of video of Jayda during the first week of her life, the first time I got to hold her, the first time Chase got to hold her, the first time I got to hold her skin to skin, her first real bath right before heading to Primarys for surgery, and her when she was just 5 months old.

Man, is it easy to forget. It's been almost 3 years since she was born. Looking at pictures is one thing (I have millions of those) but watching a video is a completely different story. All at once those sounds and feelings came right back. Even the smell came rushing back. I still love/hate the smell of hand sanitizer. That smell is associated with good and bad things. Three years down the road I still can't decide if I like it.

I never thought I'd see the day that I would begin to forget what everything meant. What a good sat number was. What the sound of the alarm on the giraffe made when it needed water. That I even know something called a giraffe thats not an animal. The sound her TPN made when it was completed. The sound of the oscillator and the whoosing of the high flow. The feeling of not having her on the monitor and doubting if she was getting enough oxygen when the nurse and I gave her a bath.

It was rough watching the look on my face as they tried to put this little 1lb baby on my chest who's wires weighed more than her. The look was pure terror as I looked at the moniters hoping that she wouldn't die being transfered over to my arms. I remember feeling those things but having it played back to me years down the road makes it feel like yesterday.

And not all of it was bad. It was awesome to see some of my favorite nurses on the video. Man nurse Scarlett and I had a blast matching her bedding up with big over-the-top bows. And nurse Susan's funny side comments. Oh and you can't forget Miquelle running away from the camera because of her huge sun burn she had on her face. Not so lucky for her she was the one to take Jayda up to primarys on her flight and her mom was crazy about documenting it all. And Amy Marshall taking time out of her day to help record me and Scarlett giving her a bath. Those nurses were gold.

I'm not sure if it was a good thing to watch that being pregnant. But for some reason I have a good feeling about everything. Maybe it's ignorance since its been awhile. Perhaps its good its been awhile. And maybe I'm just so grateful that I am just pregnant. Going months after months after months of no positives really puts things into perspective.

And as a side note...I can't believe no one told me how fat I looked. Holy crap buckets I was pushing the limits with those cookies!! Me so hungry.

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