Lots of updates and some exciting news!!

I'm so exhausted.

If I see another drs office I think I might vomit.

This weekend we went up north for Jayda's endocronologist appt to check to see why she isnt growing very well. They had us get an x-ray of her hand to tell her bone age. This pretty much tells whether she is small because she is immature or small because she is just small. Turns out that her bone age is a tinge off but overall right on track for her age. So even though her height is the height of a 2 year old (34inches) and her weight is the weight for an 18 month old (23.6lbs) she is not malnourished or immature in any way. Thats obviously a huge relief. They still want to put her on growth hormones to speed up her height but have to have it approved through insurance. In order to approve it through insurance we have to prove she was IUGR (intrauterine growth restricted) as a baby. Who in the heck knows why but thats just what the dr said.

To top it off she caught bronchiolitis from her cousins (not their fault we really had to go to that appt and they were the only people we could stay with) and we think she may have a UTI (just waiting for labs). Long story short, it was a long weekend.

Then today I had my 32 week appt. I know 32 weeks!!!! I had my last cervical ultrasound check and it was still long but had shortened a bit (3.0) but he said at this point it can start to naturally shorten anyways which is why he doesn't check it again unless I show signs of preterm labor. Also, we saw a FULL head of hair on ultrasound today! She's gonna have A LOT of hair because it was long and full! Crazy how you can see it!

We also talked about how early we are going to do my c-section. Prior to our conversation my understanding was that he was going to take me at 37 or 38 weeks because of my incision on my uterus but apparantly he said he's not going to do it until 39 weeks unless I a. go into labor myself or b. have issues. He said he's not counting on 39 weeks though which is why he's not going to schedule it for now. He doesn't think I'll make it.

I'd love to make it that far but also hope I come at 37 or 38 weeks naturally because I just get anxious things could go wrong at the last minute. Then he said, well your chances of stillbirth in this pregnancy is so low..less than 1%. I then said, "Didn't you just get done telling me that you've seen 3 of your patients get bells palsy? If something wierd is going to happen, its going to happen to me." Couldn't argue with that. So if I do make it past 36 or 37 I'll be going in twice weekly to monitor the baby really just to calm my anxieties which he said is completely normal to have for people like me that have had trauma in other pregnancies.

I have been having a bit of blood pressure issues. Today it was 143/97 but there is no protein in my urine so no pre-e. Just high blood pressure. He said that the steriods I took could contribute to that too (also why I've gained so much weight recently and have swelled up like crazy). And it could just be normal 3rd trimester high blood pressure as my body puts more pressure trying to support the baby. So they will moniter me every week from here on out just to make sure there is no pre-e. So overall, we're just trucking along.

Also my bells is slowly going away. I still have tons of tearing in my eye but I have more closure and my mouth and tongue has improved. I still do not look normal by any means but there is a definite improvement which is a good sign that things will fully recover.

*******In other exciting news...recently I was contacted by a girl who is a group owner on a ttc message board saying that the editor of the online infertility/baby loss magazine called Still Standing wants me to be a monthly contributor! So starting in November my articles will go live the last tuesday of every month. I was kinda shocked that anyone like that reads my blog...especially since I feel like my story compared to others writing for the magazine is kinda dwarfed. So to say I feel a little out of my league as far as how much I'll contribute is an understatment.

Overall, though I'm excited to write about my experiences. I feel like just because I'm pregnant and about to give birth doesn't mean I don't still suffer through my journey of having a micropreemie and infertility. Those scars go deep and they don't heal overnight or by seeing those two lines blaring at me. In fact, it makes me feel more vulnerable. I guess I won't feel completely safe until I have her in my arms. Even then a whole new set of worrying comes into play. Oh the joys of parenting. The worrying may lessen over time but never goes completely away.

Day From Hell- Bells Palsy

This is what I look like. And not usually. Trust me I've been asked just today if I'm ok. Man people like to stare and have zero shame. I guess I don't blame them though. I probably would too. But I'm rude like that.

So starting Sunday night I started to have really watery eyes but nothing terrible. Just thought I was tired.

Next day (monday) I wake up and my eyes were acting crazy. When I was driving Jayda to preschool I felt like something was off. It felt like when you've been inside all day and you step into the sun and your eyes arent used to the light. Except it wasnt going away. It kinda freaked me out.

When it got progressively worse throughout the day I also noticed that my tongue was completely numb.

I started to swell really bad as well so I was worried about pre-e. I checked my BP and it was 138/92 so a tad high. I called my OB nurse and she talked to the dr and wanted me to go into L&D just to be safe.

So off we went.

No pre-e. Thank gosh. Urine=no protein. Blood=good. Couldn't figure it out. They called in the OB hospitalist and it was this very blunt tiny asian lady. I thought she was such a hoot. She looked at me with this wierd look and asked me to smile. She cocked her head and looked at me like I was a freak. She asked me if I looked like that usually. I felt like she thought she was stepping on a line because who knows if this freak usually looks like this. I hadnt looked in a mirror so I was kind of confused. She kept saying, "i'll get you a mirror. Let me go get a mirror."

She left and I decided to go to the bathroom. I smiled in the mirror and just busted up laughing. It was bad.

She came back in and I immediately said, "Holy shit, I just looked at my face and NO that is not normal." She just laughed and said I mean I didnt know...but it looks like you may have Bells Palsy.

Baby looked great. Bells Palsy doesnt effect the pregnancy thankfully. But then there was nothing they could do since its not OB related anymore. They wanted me to go to instacare to get looked at to get treated.

Went to instacare and they didn't want to touch me with a 10 ft pole. So they sent me to the ER.

Go to ER tell them my symptoms...one of which was facial paralysis. I've never been taken back so fast. Coo with me. They thought I was maybe having a stroke since thats a symptom of a stroke.

Got seen right away. Diagnosed me wiht Bells not stoke. Sent me home and said to come back if anything else was numb besides my face.

5am Right arm was tingling. Hands very swollen and weak. Freaking out I was having a stroke. Went back to ER.

Get evaluated. Still think its just Bells. Order MRI just in case. Had to wait 2 1/2 hours for it to become available. Have bloody discharge. Baby looked good though. MRI came back normal. Sent me packing finally at 10am.

OB appt at 1. Baby doing great. Now 3 lbs 5oz (40th percentile), and cervix long (3.45). Given the OK to take steriods and antivirals to help treat. Asked to come back Friday to follow up.

Neurologist appt at 3. Confirmed again just bells. Cant tell me why I'm so swollen and hands weak and arm tingling. Send me over to the lab just to run additional tests to rule out other possible diagnoses.

Run to pharamacy to get meds.

Needless to say I'm exhausted. I look like a pirate. All I'm missing is the eye patch. I also am so swollen I look like a water buffalo. I can't close my right eye so I have to manually do it. Tonight I'll have to tape it shut. I have no control over the whole right side of my face. Watching me suck out of a straw is comical. At least to me. I have continuous runny nose or bloody nose just on the one right nostril. And I can't look in the mirror without either laughing or crying hysterically. Ok no crying just laughing. Maybe I'm in denial?

I guess through all of this. I'll take a jacked up face over pre-e and delivering early. I'm not sure if thats just pure desperation or motherly love.

So for another day I'm pregnant and thats all I care about.

Unrealistic Expectations

Pregnancy after infertility can be confusing sometimes. When I was trying to get pregnant I was a part of an online community of women who were actively trying to get pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I felt an overwelming amount of guilt especially because some of those women have been there for YEARS and havent even seen a positive test ever or whos disappeared after a few days.

There's nothing more awkward then saying, "Opps nevermind thanks for the kind words about my upcoming IUI but we got pregnant on our own. :/"

Luckily there is a graduates board for the women who have gotten pregnant and we are able to share our concerns and feelings about this guilt. For the most part I've found that its an overwelming amount of infertiles gone fertile that set unrealistic expectations about how they should feel.

I liken infertility to watching a party from the outside looking in. There are all kinds of people at the party. Ones that don't want to be there. Ones that want EVERYONE to know they are there. Ones that have been there one too many times.

All the while you look on in jealousy. Perhaps a little bitter. And not even bitter at the people at the party, but bitter at yourself. And maybe a little bitter that some people at the party are quick to forget about you. Bitter that they dont even care. They just party on and just look on at you with pity and sometimes its easier for them just to turn their back on you because its easier to shut out things that make them feel uncomfortable. Then they even have the GALL to complain about the noise level, the lighting, the food, the drinks and tell you that you aren't missing out.

Then the day comes. You are thrust into the party. You stick one foot in with excitment and anticipation. You've dreamed about entering this door for so long. Afraid that at any given moment the universe will see you there and throw you out. You feel awkward being there. It's like being at a party you weren't invited to. You feel incredibly grateful to be there but you don't feel like the normal guest. You don't belong let alone even think about complaining about the party.

Sometimes the events we have in our mind just dont turn out the way we expected. When you get in there you realize wow that music is pretty loud. The food, eh, not my favorite, but who am I to complain? I wanted this. For. so. long. And the other guests want to keep reminding you about that.

Personally, I can't relate much to the complaints. I like the noise level. I like the food. I love the lighting. Its better than being outside looking in. But then again, last time I was at the party I was thrown out early and all I wanted to do was go back to the party and complain about trivial things instead of being at that nightmare afterparty.

Although this is my personal feeling, its not necessarily the norm. As a whole this sets unrealistic expectations for infertile fertiles. Opens the door to PPD. Opens the door to more heartache that they don't deserve.

Then the guests that shunned you and forgot about you are suddenly your friends again. There to support you which makes you feel even worse. You just want to say, "Where were you during my struggle and why do you expect to be here now that I'm successful?" You don't want to party with them because at the heart of it you know they wont be there for you if you get thrown out again. You put up an artifical front. Smile and wave but you know you can never fully trust those people again.

It's easy to say party on girl! You are finally here. But you cant help but look out and see your friends standing out in the rain.

Prepartum Blues.

I can't believe I am almost out of the 20's and into the 30's! I cannot believe that in possibly less than 2 months I'll have my baby in my arms...FINALLY! And that I'll be able to have a baby without wires and tubes. A baby who knows how to suck, swallow, and breathe. A baby who actually comes home with me!

Hopefully.

But...lately I've felt a sense of anxiety and dread. Don't get me wrong...I'm so excited to have Haven here. If I could snap my fingers to 2 months away I would in a second. I'm just terrified that I'm going to go from one kid to two and not going to be able to handle it.I'm terrified that I won't love this baby as much as Jayda or that I'll be so exhausted that I won't want to spend time with Jayda. I'm terrified I'm going to have to do a lot of it alone since Chase will be working 2 jobs until Janurary or Feburary. I'm terrified that I'm going to have another colicky refluxy baby that never sleeps. I'm terrified that I'll have PPD again.

Trust me, I'm glad this is all I'm worried about but I've grown increasingly anxious as the weeks go by and things become more real. Luckily this time I know what to look for if I do experience any PPD symptoms. With Jayda I just thought I was a terrible mother. I didn't realize I had suffered from PPD until I took one of my psychology classes and came to the realization that I had all of those symptoms. Granted I think I had a bit of PTSD as well since my experience wasn't the norm or something that should make you happy. The problem was I didnt experience those symptoms until 3 months after Jaydas birth and when she came home. But then again PTSD doesn't usually present itself until 3 months after a traumatic event. So makes sense.

Sometimes I imagine what my birth experience will be like this time around. Is it going to be everything I wanted and wished it to be? How long will it be until I see her and get to hold her? Will it be an emergency or something that I'll look forward to with excitement? I've learned from experience not to get your hopes up or to exepect rainbows and butterflies because then you set yourself up for heartache.

I've also been more jumpy and anxious in general. Lately I've had thoughts of horrible things happening. Like me falling down the stairs on my belly and hurting Haven. Jayda getting abducted out of her room at night. Chase dying in a car accident on his way to work. Some serial killer whos victim type is young pregnant women coming to kill me. Sounds crazy right. I don't know if its a pregnant thing because I'm usually not this jumpy but its starting to freak me out. Perhaps its a little bit of prepartum blues?

I've recently changed my diet. For the most part I've eaten really crappy this pregnancy (whoops) and as a result have gained like 35lbs already! Yikes! Its just been hard because I've stayed down as much as possible just to take it easy and not overdo anything. As a result I've been a lazy fat arse! haha So this week when I went shopping I got all the healthy stuff I used to eat.

I've also been eating more veggies and fruits. I'm limiting my carb and salt intake and tried getting out more especially now that my contractions have stopped. I've also gone back to what I was doing before I got pregnant. Big breakfast, snack, medium lunch, snack, (limit starches after 2), small dinner, small nightime snack. I feel like I have a lot more energy just in the last couple of days of doing this. Hopefully this will help my pregnancy blues since I've felt tired this whole pregnancy.

28 weeks 5 day Appointment

Had another ultrasound and drs appt today. It was pretty routine thankfully and unfortunately kinda a boring ultrasound because of Havens position. She was pretty squished onto my right side so it was hard to see her. She LOVES to just curl in a ball and pretty much hang out in my right hip and rib. Her legs were up by her head and her head was smashed into my cervix. Running out of room! Yay!

At first the tech couldn't see my cervix at all. That kinda freaked me out when she's like uhhh I cant see your cervix. Ekk. but she said it was because at this point the baby's skull is becoming more calcified and so its more shadowy and hides it. Plus she was smashed down in there pretty good. So she said that she had to go in via vaginal ultrasound to check. She asked the dr if he wanted her to do it and he said, "More than I want anything in the world. Of course." Luckily it was still measuring great at 3.46 which my dr said probably gives me another good 2 weeks of not worrying about going into preterm labor. We'll do 2 more cervix checks and then wont check it anymore since after 32 weeks cervix measurements dont really tell you anything as you can naturally start to shorten or efface around that time anyways.

My contractions are much better and I'm not having to take the contraction meds as much anymore. Mostly if I need to get out and do errands. He said it was a great thing that I only take it when I need them because after awhile the effect wears off so when you really need them they wont do anything.

My dr was stoked with how everything looked. He walked into the room and stuck the ultrasound pics on the wall and said I just want to hang this on the wall not only because you make cute babies but because everything else looks so beautiful! He also asked me how I felt actually being in the 3rd trimester finally! And honestly, I feel great but I also feel like a FTM again because I dont know what to expect. Everything is so new to me! Its so crazy to think I have an almost 3lb baby in my stomach! It took us FOREVER to get Jayda to 3lbs!

There was one thing that concerned me. Me more so than the dr but still worried me none the less. My blood pressure was a little high around 138/60 (I think that was the bottom number but honestly was more focused on teh 138 part. The nurses seemed more concerned with it then the dr but he said in the 3rd trimester it can be normal for your blood pressure to rise a little. We'll obviously keep watching it but he doesn't think it will be an issue (lets freaking hope!).

Oh and he's giving me antibotics for my sinus infection that I've had for about 3 weeks now. I seriously cannot sleep at night because I'm so miserable with a stuffy nose, post nasal drip, and a sore throat. Thank goodness! Hopefully that gets rid of it.

Otherwise, it was an incredibly boring appt and I like it that way!