Friday, October 12, 2012

Unrealistic Expectations

Pregnancy after infertility can be confusing sometimes. When I was trying to get pregnant I was a part of an online community of women who were actively trying to get pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant I felt an overwelming amount of guilt especially because some of those women have been there for YEARS and havent even seen a positive test ever or whos disappeared after a few days.

There's nothing more awkward then saying, "Opps nevermind thanks for the kind words about my upcoming IUI but we got pregnant on our own. :/"

Luckily there is a graduates board for the women who have gotten pregnant and we are able to share our concerns and feelings about this guilt. For the most part I've found that its an overwelming amount of infertiles gone fertile that set unrealistic expectations about how they should feel.

I liken infertility to watching a party from the outside looking in. There are all kinds of people at the party. Ones that don't want to be there. Ones that want EVERYONE to know they are there. Ones that have been there one too many times.

All the while you look on in jealousy. Perhaps a little bitter. And not even bitter at the people at the party, but bitter at yourself. And maybe a little bitter that some people at the party are quick to forget about you. Bitter that they dont even care. They just party on and just look on at you with pity and sometimes its easier for them just to turn their back on you because its easier to shut out things that make them feel uncomfortable. Then they even have the GALL to complain about the noise level, the lighting, the food, the drinks and tell you that you aren't missing out.

Then the day comes. You are thrust into the party. You stick one foot in with excitment and anticipation. You've dreamed about entering this door for so long. Afraid that at any given moment the universe will see you there and throw you out. You feel awkward being there. It's like being at a party you weren't invited to. You feel incredibly grateful to be there but you don't feel like the normal guest. You don't belong let alone even think about complaining about the party.

Sometimes the events we have in our mind just dont turn out the way we expected. When you get in there you realize wow that music is pretty loud. The food, eh, not my favorite, but who am I to complain? I wanted this. For. so. long. And the other guests want to keep reminding you about that.

Personally, I can't relate much to the complaints. I like the noise level. I like the food. I love the lighting. Its better than being outside looking in. But then again, last time I was at the party I was thrown out early and all I wanted to do was go back to the party and complain about trivial things instead of being at that nightmare afterparty.

Although this is my personal feeling, its not necessarily the norm. As a whole this sets unrealistic expectations for infertile fertiles. Opens the door to PPD. Opens the door to more heartache that they don't deserve.

Then the guests that shunned you and forgot about you are suddenly your friends again. There to support you which makes you feel even worse. You just want to say, "Where were you during my struggle and why do you expect to be here now that I'm successful?" You don't want to party with them because at the heart of it you know they wont be there for you if you get thrown out again. You put up an artifical front. Smile and wave but you know you can never fully trust those people again.

It's easy to say party on girl! You are finally here. But you cant help but look out and see your friends standing out in the rain.


  1. Thank-you! That's how I feel, like I'm an outsider looking in on a party I so want to be a part of!

  2. Your last statement made me tear up. I think it's amazing that you are still aware of those of us out there in the rain still. I have always wondered how different my experience will be being pregnant, now that it's been a harder road to get there, but I still want more than anything to just be inside. I think it's great you have a selfless outlook, but you should also celebrate with abandon

    As for the "friends" who now have time for you since you've re-entered the cool club, I can also relate. It's really hard being 34 yrs. old with NO kids and still have friends who can possibly understand what life is like. Thanks for your honesty Ash. I love reading your posts. :)

  3. Hi, I felt compelled to share. I'm a psychotherapist working at a Junior High school and I googled "grief cycle," for one of my students. Your blog came up as one of the results and it was too interesting to pass up. So, I just wanted to say I'm impressed and inspired by this. I love all the quotes as well. I'm very happy for you and hope the best for you and your family.


    1. Thank you! I'm actually a recent psychology grad and eventually want to be a grief therapist for kids so I can appreciate that.