I didn't spend this Memorial Day in pre-term labor....

THIS year at least. Two years ago on Memorial Day (May 26th) my water broke when I was 24wks 6days. The previous night I went to bed feeling kind of sick but thought I just needed to sleep. That morning around 2:30am I woke up to some cramping and went to the bathroom thinking maybe I just had to pee. Plus she was moving around like crazy so I knew she was ok. I went back to bed but at 5:30am woke up again to worse cramping. Again I went to the bathroom but this time there was blood. I went into the room immediately, turned the light on, told Chase to get out of bed ASAP because we were going to L&D, got my jacket and my shoes and we were out the door. I was so frantic and knew something was not right especially since I was in a lot of pain. Luckily we lived like 5 mintues away from the hospital (although Chase started to go the one that was 2 min or so away thinking it was the right one but it wasn't). I had no idea where L&D was so we showed up at the oncology entrance. I got out of the car and the entrance was locked...now I have no idea why I even got out of the car...I was so frantic. Then Chase said it was around the corner...so what did I do? I started RUNNING to the other entrance...up stairs, the whole 9 yards. Idiot.

I show up and tell them I need to see someone ASAP because I was bleeding and having pains. They asked how far along I was and I said I am 25 weeks (why not round up right? Later on they kept saying she's only 24+ 6....I wanted to slap the nurse....give me 25 weeks gosh dang it!). They immediately had me take a pee sample and switch into a gown. Then they hooked me up to the monitors. Heartbeat strong. Thank Gosh! But I was contracting every few mintues. They took a test to see if my water had broke and it came out positive immediately. The nurse's face when she confirmed it told me the whole story. But how was it positive? I hadn't felt my water break...although now I look back and am kicking myself in the butt considering I had leaking the few days before. I even called my sister asking if my water was breaking and she told me I was probably just peeing myself. So I ignored it. Idiot.

So they call my doctor and we had to wait for him to come. He came as fast as he could but those minutes were agonizing! He showed up about 15 min or so later and immediatly checked to see if I was dialated. I wasn't. Thank Gosh! But I was 50% effaced. Not good. So they decided to start me on a medicine to stop my contractions (I forget which one it was) and Nubang (that I remember since it made me feel like I was on a cloud and took all the pain away). My doctor is LDS so we asked him to give me a priesthood blessing with my husband. I felt such peace and I knew everything was going to be ok. Chase on the other hand was bawling. I had never seen him or any man cry like that except for in movies. He thought she was going to die. I knew she wasn't going to die...yet...at least not that day.

So kind of a side note but I can't forget to put this in. That weekend was memorial day weekend and some friends invited us to go camping with them. I had a bad feeling about it and told Chase that if I went into preterm labor I would be totally screwed. He just rolled his eyes and said I was being paranoid. I just had this feeling in my heart that I needed to stay home. I'm SO glad I listened to that feeling. Now I know it was the Holy Ghost telling me to stay put! I'm so glad I listened because who knows what would have happened had I not.
You know how I said I never felt my water break? Well my uterus showed me. She always does. Soon after, I felt a gush...not a HUGE gush but still a gush and sure enough it was fluid. That made me shake with fear and all I could do was cry, but I had to be strong. I knew that it could still be ok. I had recently watched an episode of some baby show where this girl was admitted with preterm labor and they were able to stop it. She ended up going past 40weeks and they had to INDUCE her. haha kinda ironic doncha think? So why couldn't I be the same? Now I know they just never show anything but success stories on tv...

After they stabalized me they said that I was going to stay in the hospital until I had the baby. And if miraculously I didn't have her in the next few weeks and actually made it to 34weeks they would induce me to avoid complications. Oh how I longed for those extra weeks. Soon after I got settled into my room they told me I was getting a high risk dr (Dr. Chaulmers) instead of my regular OB (Dr. Cain). I love both drs still. They were so lovely and caring and have such great bedside manner! It definatly made my time on bedrest so much better and  more calm.

That day they brought in an ultrasound and she was measuring at 23weeks and 3days and was about 1lb 9oz give or take. WHAT? I was 25 weeks how am I that small? It's within the normal range. Yadda Yadda. Whatever. I had bigger problems to worry about. In the ultrasound they detected something that my routine ultrasound at 17weeks (I knew I shouldn't have had it that early!) didn't detect. She had a double bubble which they explained could be (key phrase being could be) a birth defect called duodenal atresia (an intestinal blockage) and it had a high correlation with Down Syndrome...a 1 in 3 chance. They later had me go to a geneticist in MFM and the lady was such a biatch and wanted me to have an amnio to see for sure if she did have Down's (ughhh hello I've been in preterm labor) and that it was too late to terminate. Ugh thanks but no thanks. Wouldn't have terminated anyways. Annoying. I tried not to focus on the fact that she could be DS because I would love her no matter what. Plus Dr. Chalmers was so great and told me not to google anything and not worry about anything right now except for baking my little girl. I took his advice and am I glad I did because I googled duodenal atresia later after she was born and found some scary stuff. Turns out she didn't have duodenal atresia but a jejunal web (lower down in the intestines and not an atresia since the 2 ends of the intestines were still attached, it just had a weblike blockage) and it isn't associated at all with DS. I would've worried myself sick for nothing.

I lasted 12 days on hospital bedrest. I was thankful for every one of those days and I'm sure it either 1. saved my daughter's life or 2. saved her from more complications and possibilities of lifelong disabilities. I will share the rest of the events leading up to Jayda's birth for another post next week when she turns two! Crazy!

Memorial Day will never be the same though and I will always remember it as the day my water broke. That and on the one year "anniversary" one of my friends gave birth to her full term stillborn Sophi. I think about my friend and her baby a lot but will always think about her on Memorial Day (although of course it was on a different day every year).

This year Memorial Day was awesome! We took Jayda and Chase's sister Caity and her boyfriend Taylor to Zions and went hiking. It was a blast! We didn't so much do hiking as much as Jayda played in the stream and we climbed rocks and explored or as much "exploring" as a two year old can do. She for some reason hates water (go figure she hated it inutero as well haha) and she just clings on for dear life when she comes near a body of water. She finally got used to it but still didn't fully appreciate it. :D Here are some pics of us up at Zions!

I love her pose. haha It's like an old lady pose or something haha

You can see the terror in her eyes.

She needed some cuddles from her daddy after being in the scary water.

I love this picture of her!

Caity and her boyfriend Taylor. We kinda like him. :D

Life is Changing...

....ok from the title it sounds like I'm going through menopause. haha not quite....

So I haven't really blogged about difficulties my husband and I are having in regards to his job. So about 3-4 months ago he got the news that his branch was closing down (he is an Assistant Manager over at State Bank of Southern Utah) so everyone was pretty much going to lose their jobs (except Ember of course since she is prego and has the FLMA laws to protect her....lucky dog hehe). So its been a stressful few months trying to figure everything out. He's applied everywhere and has heard nothing back. It's hard all around. Three people are going to lose their jobs and none of them have found anything. Chase deals with really bad anxiety anyways so it didn't help matters much. I was able to use some of my therapies on him that I've learned in some of my classes (hehe go psychology!) and I think that along with a prescription of SSRI's he's done much better. I'm really trying to work on getting him to release and tell me whats going on because he has a tendency to hold things in and then wait til its too much to take and just BURSTS.....thats not healthy at all and I think it's a huge contribution to why he is so anxious all the time. He's been doing better though with it but its a daily struggle.

So there's still that cloud of doubt hanging around saying .....hmmm are you gonna have a job when all of this is said and done? Part of me thinks that is why we aren't pregnant yet...because it really is just a bad time. I will admit that. The time sucks so maybe Heavenly Father does know what he is doing after all. :) We never want to admit that of course and I guess this is why I haven't talked about it before now because I just knew it wasn't right. Wierdly (is that even a word?) I have felt so much peace this month and really haven't been having a hard time seeing pregnant people anymore. In fact I offered to throw one of my best friends a baby shower and didn't feel wierd about it at all! Maybe thats just because I love her and she's so unselfish and cares deeply what others are feeling and rarely thinks about herself! :D

But anyways... so one day we got really lucky. So I went to my IL's house the other day to use their printer to print off some stuff for Jayda's invitations but their printer was broken so we went down the street to some family friends and used theirs. Chase was talking to Glen (the dad) since he used to work for him before we got married and asked how his business was going. He said that it was pretty slow but that he had a big job coming up. Chase kinda jokingly said he would help him and then Glen said ok...sure. We were like really?? Because he did get paid really good with that job before. So it turns out he only needs him for this big job coming up that would only last a month but he would be getting paid double (maybe even more) what he makes in a month now. Sooo that would give us a little leeway for him to find something else and Glen said he could work for him part time so at least its something! Plus he gets to cash out his 401K from State Bank. So really we are still ok...its just kinda of nerve wracking with the not knowing. Plus we are moving in with Chase's parents just for a couple months (at the end of June) so that we can save some money. That way we will be completely out of credit card debt! We didn't have too much left but it will be nice to be fully cleared from it!

And of course it was a pleasure to turn in Chase's two week notice just to stick it in their faces! What jerks! They pretty much told Chase and the others that they would find spots for them a couple months back but they just had to work out the numbers but it looked like they all were ok. So pretty much what they have been doing is telling them what they want to hear so that they all don't quit and leave them hanging since the branch doesn't close down until the end of June. Pretty much covering their own backs while leaving those working there (with families to support) hanging. Luckily we saw it for what it was worth and hitailed it out of there ASAP.

The only problem with getting this other job is that we won't have health insurance until he finds another job. That really scares me since I believe everyone should ALWAYS have health insurance. Jayda will still be covered under medicaid until the end of June when we need to reapply (which I'm positive that we will qualify again). And to pay for just health insurance without a job is like $500-1200 a freaking month! WITH a $10,000 out of pocket. Crazy! BUT we are going to look into me getting on my parent's insurance just until Chase finds a job because if I don't remember correctly you can still be on your parent's health insurance until you turn 26 regardless of whether you are a dependent or not (thank you Obama hehe). The sad part though is that adoption is most likely out for the time being because one of the qualifications is that you have to be able to provide health insurance for the new child which at the moment we can't really do. But I had to wait anyways til I'm "officially" deemed inferitle. So its not like it will add too much time. I think we are going to still go to the adoption orientation though and still gather some information. This really makes me want to push through and get school done even more though so that I can go out and get a "real" job and Chase can be a stay at home dad....haha that should be funny! He would LOVE that!

I just have a feeling everything will work out the way its supposed to. It's kind of exciting having all these changes happening but scary at the same time! Either way I know it will all work out! :) Plus I can't wait to move away from these idiots upstairs that are so freaking loud and it sounds like they beat their kids up upstairs.....not really but the way one of their kids screams it makes it sound like he is being burned alive.... not cool.

Poor baby!

In all the excitment with the appt being made and everything my poor little girl is so sick! Her sad eyes just make me want to cry and make it all better! She has been laying on the couch all morning long and feel asleep to her favorite show "Toy Story". I just love this little girl so much!

Adoption Orientation!!

I'm so excited! I called LDSFS today and got an appointment set to go to their Adoption Orientation on June 8th at 6-8pm! They will go over all the information and at the end if we are still interested and qualify for services then we will go ahead and proceed to fill out the necessary paperwork! I can't believe that we are really doing this! I'm so excited and hope it all works out! Wish us luck! I'm trying not to get too excited! But its hard! :)

Neat Poem I found

So I was looking at cards for a friend and found this card with this poem on it. I thought it was such a neat poem and wanted to "write" it down so I have it.

We want to believe
the world is understandable.
That life is fair.
That things make sense.
We want to believe
that if we're careful enough,
work hard enough,
try hard enough,
we and those we love
will be safe from anything bad.
It's one of the biggest questions
humans wrestle with-
why things sometimes aren't fair.
But even though we don't always have
a neat answer to why things happen,
we do have each other...
and we have our faith.
Just a simple kind of faith
that somehow, someday,
suffering will end,
good will be rewarded,
love will endure,
pain will be forgotten,
light will scatter darkness,
and our spirits will go on.

-Catherine Slater

Adoption

So in the last few weeks Chase and I have really discussed this. Now, now.... I know it sounds like we are jumping the gun and I'm sure you are rolling your eyes thinking this girl is dramatic. It's not about getting pregnant. I know I will someday but we have ALWAYS wanted to adopt. I know the challenges are still hard and there are a lot of set-backs like with infertility, but we have always wanted to and planned on doing it when our 2nd was a year old but maybe this is the best time to do it. Who knows...maybe this is God's way of saying this is the best time. And frankly I'm not sure how much more heartbreak I can take with my mean old uterus. I'm thinking I'll stop going at war with her and put my matches down for the moment. No uterus burning anytime soon. But I have my eye on you uterus. I know that its a lot of dead ends and heartbreak with adoption but at least I know my body wouldn't almost kill my next baby. I'm not sure I want to find out what other mean things she can do to my unborn children. Pregnancy is scary and I just hated every minute of it. Not because of the normal reasons....just because I am always scared of what could happen to the baby.

We are now in the information gathering process and quite frankly its overwhelming. I have no idea where to go first, am hearing so much different information, stories, etc. I want to check out LDS family services but we checked out their website and it said that you have to have an infertility assessment by your dr in order to qualify for services.... I'm not sure if my dr would go for that considering he probably even thinks I am being dramatic. So I just don't know where to turn because we don't have a lot of funds and I know LDSFS is great with poor folks like us. Chase and I plan on going in soon to just see what we should do first. We would love to take a newborn home but we even have talked about adopting even a young toddler. Oh so many life altering decisions....but I just feel so great about adoption and just want to get the ball rolling since I know it will probably be A LONG time before we're able to bring a child home with us. If anyone has any stories or information about different agencies please feel free to share.

Oh and for those curious.... No AF. Neg EPT. CD40. Yipee.

AF where are you????

So as I mentioned in an earlier post I *thought* I was due last Friday or Saturday. Well that came and went and nothing. That should excite normal people right? That FOR sure means they are pregnant. Nahhh not for me. That only means one thing.....didn't ovulate when I thought I did. I took a test yesterday and it was negative of course. On mother's day I remember cramping really bad. At the time I thought hmm maybe implantation cramping? But now I'm thinking thats when I actually ovulated. So that would make me due this next Friday or Saturday....if I even ever flippin ovulated at all. So I'm on CD36. Oh joy.

Yesterday after I got my negative test Chase sent me a text asking "soo?" .....freaking SO what? What do you think? haha Oh yeah by the way...its positive...not. Then he just texted back "I'm sorry". When I picked him up we talked about it again and we just had to laugh and joke. I just said "I hate my effing body" and "Just when you think you may have figured it all out your body just laughs and says muahahhaha I'm gonna screw with her head this month. Sounds like a blast." Chase then quoted Little Rascals and said "And then God says I HATE you Alfalfa".