Couldn't Sleep Last Night and Update

So every night I have gotten horribly sad dreams. A couple nights ago I had a dream that I was taking a pregnancy test with two other friends and theirs were positive and mine was negative. One of them didn't see mine so I switched our tests. I guess maybe it was just a manifestation that everyone else around me is getting pregnant but here I sit still not pregnant.

Last night I just couldn't sleep. I was crampy and just uncomfortable. Maybe its because I'm excited too.

On Tuesday I went and got my blood drawn to get my progesterone level checked to verify if I ovulated or not. I got it later that day and it was an 18.9 which is a FANTASTIC level. They consider anything over a 5 ovulation but 18.9 means I released healthy eggs.

Well yesterday I woke up with some period like cramping which is not normal for me this early or even before my period. Then later on in the day I had some light spotting so I was super confused because the doctor said to count the first day of spotting as your first day of your cycle. But considering I just got a big level just the day before, it was only that one time, and I'm not due for my period until Sunday or Monday the doctor doesn't think it is actually my period.

Sometimes women spot and cramp a little during implantation which is when the fertilized egg implants into the uterus. I did have spotting before my positive with my first pregnancy that resulted in m/c and also with Jayda at the end of the week that I found out I was pregnant...so I guess its not that off the wall. I'm cautiously optimistic but hey maybe it is a good sign? Maybe this is it and this journey will not come to an end but to a beginning. We shall see.

Inspirational quote pick me up

So I've been inspired by another IF blogger that put these amazing inspirational quotes the other day. It really made my day go better. Thank you Waiting on Our Miracle. Everyone needs a day filled with inspirational quotes! Here are some of my favorites.

“Go for long walks, indulge in hot baths, question your assumptions, be kind to yourself, live for the moment, loosen up, scream, curse the world, count your blessings, just let go, just be.” – Carol Shields

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

- Leo Buscaglia

"Never take anything for granted." - Benjamin Disraeli


“Some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity…” – Gilda Radner

"If we all did the things we are capable of doing we would literally astound ourselves" - Thomas Edison


“It rains hardest on those who deserve the sun.” (unknown)

“Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of it’s sorrow. It empties today of it’s strength.”

"When your having a bad day just remember that once you were the fastest, strongest, and most triumphant out of millions of sperm heading for the same egg." <<<---- I like that one. haha

"Be kinder than necessary. Everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. You never know when a moment and a few sincere words can have an impact on a life."

“I complained because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.” The most effective medicine for the sickness of self-pity is to lose ourselves in the service of others. ~Pres. Hinckley

We're all allowed our days, right?

I have been doing pretty good this cycle and as a result its gone by SO fast....I think mainly because I haven't been temping this cycle! I'm already on CD12....but I'm getting ready to ovulate and very emotional so it doesn't make for a pretty day.

But of course....today it all came crashing down because for my child development quiz all the essay questions were about conception, pregnancy and child birth. Three things that I'm not good at. And here I sit bawling my eyes out as I write my essay questions. Go figure. If only my child development professor could see me now. Oh precious moments.

The other day I got out my positive pregnancy test from when I was pregnant with Jayda (I know I'm such a sicko) because I was so tired of seeing negtives. I never thought it would be so hard to see those two lines again. If I had you bet I'd be peeing all over the hundreds of pregnancy tests I had and soaked it up for the 6 months I was pregnant. Don't get me wrong though, I feel so grateful that I've at least seen those two lines when so many others haven't. So I do count my blessings there.

In class the other day we were talking about child birth yadda yadda yadda. My professor asked the class who had given birth before. I half way rose my hand because somehow I feel like I didn't. Like I shouldn't be counted in the "club". I think one of my preemie mom friends Michelle Haddock describes it best today. "I have an almost 2 year and I've never held a newborn." It's completely how I feel wrapped up in one little sentence.

I'm such a nerd!

Studying.....that's what I should be doing right now but hey a girls got to blog! I'm such a dork though and love school so I guess the only reason I'm blogging is to really gush about my excitement with this semester! In my APA Writing for Psychology class (sounds boring and it is except for the research aspect of it) we have to choose a topic of interest in the field of psychology and research it. Naturally I chose anxiety levels in NICU families because I'm very interested in how some people deal with the situation one way and another parent will do the complete opposite. For my second topic at the end of the semester I am going to change it a little and research infertility and the grief response after failed attempts at fertility treatments like IVF, IUIs, etc.

We have to find five studies and one review on the subject and I'm finding it hard to only include five! I think you know you have the right research topic when you aren't bored to tears when you read up on it. I'm finding so many things that ring true and others where I'm like what the heck....they should have measured it this way instead because I for one know that is not true. For example, one study that I have read suggests that there is no difference in anxiety in relation to the babies gestational age. I call bullcrap on that one! Then they went on to say that length of hospital stay was a significant factor. My personal feelings aside on the subject.... its just a fact that for the majority of cases those that are micropreemies have longer NICU stays. So there is a relation to anxiety levels and gestational age. So really thats quite the contridiction.

Then after I got all hyped up on that I get to the methods part of the study and ummm yeah....they didn't take any mothers with infants below 34 weeks....that explains a lot! THEN they say that for women that were on antepartum care or that had issues with their pregnancy where their life was also in danger (like pre-e) it wasn't a significant factor on anxiety levels.....ummm what? So your saying a person that not only had to worry about their baby's life but also their own didn't have higher anxiety levels? Ummm bull crap and I wasn't even in that group and can admit that my anxiety level would have been through the roof if I had to add that on top of all my other worries. THIS is why you take into account more than one study. Oye!

I did LOVE this quote from one of the studies though!

"When a mother fears not for her own life but for her child’s, she is

anxious about the destruction of herself. Her existence is so wrapped

up in her relationship to her child, her existence merges so much into

their being together, that breaking this relationship would be tantamount

to destroying her existence." (Boss, 1994)

This was my first time holding her (well we'll just say that since the first time I didn't have a camera...but I'm sure we looked somewhat like this except I was bawling). What you can see is me holding her looking at her affectionately. What you don't see is that I'm scared crapless so I have the nurse pretty much hanging onto me in the back just in case she stopped breathing. I'm pretty sure there was a decent amount of cortisol running through my body to say the least.

First cycle a bust!

So I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed since this cycle I was so hopeful. I had a very pretty chart that was triphastic...and I know I know...I'm slapping myself because I usually am preaching about how I think temping after you confirm ovulation is a waste of time. I don't think there is any special BBT pattern  that signifies a pregnancy, but STILL it was hard not to get my hopes up since I haven't had an ovulatory cycle for awhile. This next cycle I'm just going to be more laid back about every little symptom. Now I know the clomid will work so I'll just let my body do its job and thats all I can do!

Now watch out world....Ashley on clomid is not a pretty sight. At least you have fair warning!

Blood work in

Progesterone level was 14.3! Fist pump! Pretty much means I definatly ovulated! That is an awesome number! The Dr. is optimistic...we shall see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and over-analyze every little thing, but its hard.....I am a psychology major after all....we over-analyze everything! My brain is already about to explode and its only been a 1 1/2 weeks into classes. Sigh.

Last night my heart kinda broke a little bit. I was taking Jayda out last night shopping. When she was in her car seat she had her little baby and it cries (kinda annoying) but she just took the baby looked at it and just had this saddest face like she was going to cry too and said, "baby sad!" Then she took the baby hugged it, kissed it, and then stroked her head. Then she asked for a binki for it but I didn't have one so she put her little finger in her mouth and it stopped crying. It was so precious but made me so sad that she would even love a baby and she doesn't have that right now. I can't wait for her to be a big sister. She'll be such an awesome one!

My Mountain is Bigger than your Mountain

After having Jayda I have to say I compared myself to others a lot...mainly other moms. From the outside I felt I had the worst situation compared to those around me. I had a sick baby that required intensive care and I felt like my "normals" were stolen away from me. I was sitting in a NICU room staring at a 1 1/2lb baby all the while watching pregnant NICU nurses' big bellys push up against my baby's incubator. I just felt so cheated. I remember I used to just chuckle when a mom would try to compare her 34 weeker who spent 2 weeks in the NICU to my 26 weeker who hadn't even broken 2lbs yet. How dare they!

Although I will still argue they are vastly different journeys I've come to a conclusion. We all have our mountains to climb in life. Some are straight up with not a lot of give or handholds, but have an amazing view once you look out. Some are pretty smooth but have parts that are difficult and require help. Regardless of what your mountain looks like, comparing mountains won't make yours any easier to climb.

But we're human. It's human nature to take the woe is me card. To feel like others don't understand. I used to be very bitter whenever I would hear a pregnant woman complain about their pregnancy. Irrate. But in these last couple years I've learned that my anger isn't going to change their perspective and ignorance truely is bliss.

And here I was comparing mountains when in fact I didn't realize that some of the ones that looked easy at first had parts of difficulty that weren't in my field of vision. That was only something that the person climbing had to endure. And sometimes maybe thats even harder...to have to climb something so difficult and not have any acknowledgment for the endurance you've had to show.

While other mountains that I had previously judged as "easier" had parts that were so rigorous I had never known someone to climb with such strength. Who was I to judge another, especially someones mountain that I had never even stepped foot on?

Focusing on my mountain is what will get me further. And even if my mountain is harder or bigger than the little hills it seems others have, in the end the view is just that much more breathtaking.