Sunday, July 31, 2011

My beautiful newborn baby

....Thats what this whole post should be about. It should be filled with cute little newborn pictures of cute squishy toes and chubby little cheeks but unfortunately it of me complaining. It's wierd to think that if I had gotten pregnant at the same time that I did when we were trying with Jayda I would have a 1 month old baby. I just can't explain the pain I feel when I see a pregnant woman or a newborn baby and think that would be me right now. Seeing Jayda so happy to see other younger babies makes me sad instead of happy because then I realize even she would love another baby and I can't provide that sibling for her yet.

These last couple of weeks Chase and I have talked about just having one more and then being done. I don't think I can handle this kind of stress anymore. And thats even BEFORE we even get pregnant. Having the high risk pregnancy and worrying about baking the baby long enough to live puts a whole other spin on it.

It's so awkward venting about this to people that just don't understand. Its so hard to explain these emotions. Just like being in the "preemie club" is no club anyone wants to be in and you can't possibly understand the emotions until you become a member so is it like being in the "infertility club". You just can't fathom the pain you feel every month. Not only when it doesn't happen but when you know there is no possible way for it to happen because there simply is no egg to fertilize.

Some days I feel horrible complaining because I am so blessed. For instance there is a mom on the preemie parenting board I belong to. She tried for 3 years to get pregnant. Got pregnant on IVF #1 with twins but lost them both at 22 weeks. Then on IVF #3 got pregnant again but m/c at 8weeks. IVF#4 got pregnant with twin boys which she had a 24 weeks. The first baby died at 5 days old and the second died at 9 days old. Reading about this story really made me feel so guilty. Here this lady is sitting on 5 losses. 4 of which were in the second trimester and all she wants is one child. And now she has to wait 1 year to even try again because of her classical c-section. So no matter what horrible "club" you belong to there's always worse clubs out there.

With that in still doesn't take the pain away. It still hurts to watch my belly stay flat over the months (except for the chub of course :P ) and to see people go on to have their second child since I had Jayda. I literally cannot wait for my appointment on the 11th. I have so much to discuss and figure out. I can't wait to do the hsg and the fermara to get this show on the road. Oh and to top it off my thermometer totally disappeared. It's CD 36 and I still havent ovulated so I guess its no use to me anyways. Yipee.

1 comment:

  1. hey ash...

    i'm sure you remember me... and i am one of the few that DO understand what you're going through. yes, we've been blessed with a little ivf miracle, but it really doesn't take the worry away for #s 2, 3, etc. from what i've read here it looks like you're not ovulating and not to disregard your feelings AT ALL, but that is SO great that you're not o'ing because it's usually an EASY fix. i'm not going to say "oh, you'll probably get pregnant the first time," because it may not, but i bet if the femara gets you ovualating, then there is a great chance that you'll get a little bun in the oven, since you know you and chase CAN make babies :) i'm hopeful for you.. it didn't work for us, but that's because we have serious egg qualilty and ovarian reserve issues. seriously, if you ever need advice or just to vent. i get it. email me whenever.
    happy ttc'ing..