Sunday, July 1, 2012

Safe place

One thing that totally rocks about being high risk (if anything rocks at all) is that everytime I have an appointment I get a peek at my baby. Its amazing seeing it go from this semi-alien looking figure to an actual baby. There is something scary about being in the beginning of my second trimester. I feel like I'm in limbo between feeling much better but still too early to feel any movement. Although I have sworn I've felt little flutterbys.

So naturally when the appointment came I was clammy and my heart was racing as we made our way to the ultrasound room. I didn't care what the gender was. I wanted a heartbeat. Right as the tech put the wand to my growing belly I instantly knew she was ok. She looked significantly bigger than last time. The little bean compared to 11 weeks looked so much more like a baby...just miniture sized. And there I saw it. The most beautiful sight ever. Cardiac activity. Ohhhh yeah.

Chase was dying to know if it was a boy. He wants a boy so bad. I hated feeling so much pressure, but in the end I could care less. I was just happy to see the baby had both hemispheres of its brain.

When the tech tried to see the baby's netheregions it looked for a minute that it was a boy, but what Chase thought was well endowed man goodies ended up being the cord. Finally she announced that it looked like a girl because there was a lack of "goods" and there were the all too familiar three little dots. I was so happy that little Jayda bum would have a sister. They will be buddies.

After the tech deemed everything else normal that she could see (I get my autonomy scan at 18 weeks) we headed out to the waiting room to wait to talk to the dr.

As we walked through the waiting room ultrasound pictures clutched in hand I couldn't help but notice the waiting room was full of big pregnant women. For a brief moment I felt jealousy, but then realized I didn't have to be. I guess my jealous meter has yet to realize it is finally "in the club".

I couldn't help but notice this girl, maybe because she was the only one with a flat belly in the room. She was shuffled in a corner away from everyone and looked uncomfortable. I instantly felt bad for her because for many months I did the same thing. Blood draws were brutal on fridays, because that seemed to be the busiest pregnant lady day. It was confirmed when she was called back and a few short minutes later left with a bandage around her elbow.

Chase in his excitement seemed to not even notice her. He was audibly bummed about it being a girl, and for a moment I wanted to slap him back into reality. We had a baby in my uterus. I wasn't going to be picky at this point especially as I was being fed back into the twilight zone watching this girl. He wanted me to call my mom to tell her but I said I'd do it later. He kept nudging me to do it and I finally whispered that there was a potential infertile in the room and I felt it was rude.

As she took the "walk of shame" to the door empty uterus and all she looked at all of us with one of those uncomfortable looks. She lifted her mouth to try to force a grin. The grin you give people you know but don't quite know as if to say "yeah I notice you but I'm not going to say hi or anything."

We then went back and talked to the dr. He told me that everything looked great. Starting next week I need to get my butt region ready for a shot a week until 36 weeks because I start my p17 shots. Oddly enough, I'm excited to start them. In a lot of ways I feel its like juicing my insides up. Putting my uterus on steriods because it just can't seem to do its job on its own.

He also wants us to come back in 3 weeks since he'll be gone at 4. We'll do the autonomy scan then. Please pray for no defects, specifically no intestinal blockages. When we looked the stomach region looked normal but she said typically it doesn't show up til later. So were definitely not in the clear yet.

I "think" we decided on a name. Think because Chase isn't completely sold on the name.

Haven Mae.

I orginally wanted to name her Mae after my grandma Barney but Chase didn't like it as a first name so I decided it would be a middle name. As we were looking online at girl names we saw Haven and the meaning next to it said "safe place". Immediately I knew it was a fit. She is our baby. Finally. Our safe place. Our Haven.

Jayda kept babbling on our way home from the doctors, "I love Haven so much. Let's go to her house. Haven Mae. My sister. I looooove Haven."

My heart has never been fuller then at that moment.

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