So here I sit at 6:15 in the morning unable to sleep. I was shaken awake around 5:00 by a racing heart and sweaty palms. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. At first I didn't know why I was feeling so anxious but then I came to realize, its been about 2 days since I haven't felt any definate kicks.
I know. I know. I'm not a first time mom and if I heard someone say that at 17-18 weeks I'd just laugh. OF COURSE you won't feel movements everyday yet. The baby is probably hiding in the depths of my uterus. And you know she's busy coordinating reflexs and growing and all.
It's just unnerving because I felt like this Jayda's whole pregnancy. Heart racing, worrying over everything. Just feeling so deperate to have her in my arms. Granted I shouldn't have wished so hard because apparantly she wanted to be in mine ASAP as well.
This pregnancy has been vastly different. The first trimester I have felt such peace and man has it flown by! I guess I felt that if something went wrong there was nothing I could do. It's in Gods hands. And I guess the same still holds true, what with not being at viability yet or anything. But theres so much more to lose. So much more heartache to be felt if something goes wrong.
And maybe it's the pending ultrasound this Friday. Oh you know the Big One. The One where they missed her birth defect last time. The One that showed everything was Perfectly Normal.
Maybe, just maybe it's the pressure. I know everyone is watching and waiting to see if the High Risk Girl is going to fail again. Its unnerving to pass someone in the hall of church get the eye and be asked, "So everything going ok with the pregnancy this time?" As if they are still unconvinced this is it.
I think? But what if its not? What if I am totally and utterly naive? Oh how stupid I'll feel. For believing it was different this time.
And I guess at the heart of it I just don't know what I'll do if this fails. I don't know if I'll have the heart to try again. I don't think Chase would have the heart to try again. In fact, he told me he wouldn't. He said if we have another micropreemie we are DONE! I quickly agreed, DONE!
And what if I continue to ask what ifs no one can answer?
And of course as I finish typing this Haven gives me a good kick in the gonads.
Oh funny little girl you are, you.
I surely am going to kill someone by the end of this.
I know. I know. I'm not a first time mom and if I heard someone say that at 17-18 weeks I'd just laugh. OF COURSE you won't feel movements everyday yet. The baby is probably hiding in the depths of my uterus. And you know she's busy coordinating reflexs and growing and all.
It's just unnerving because I felt like this Jayda's whole pregnancy. Heart racing, worrying over everything. Just feeling so deperate to have her in my arms. Granted I shouldn't have wished so hard because apparantly she wanted to be in mine ASAP as well.
This pregnancy has been vastly different. The first trimester I have felt such peace and man has it flown by! I guess I felt that if something went wrong there was nothing I could do. It's in Gods hands. And I guess the same still holds true, what with not being at viability yet or anything. But theres so much more to lose. So much more heartache to be felt if something goes wrong.
And maybe it's the pending ultrasound this Friday. Oh you know the Big One. The One where they missed her birth defect last time. The One that showed everything was Perfectly Normal.
Maybe, just maybe it's the pressure. I know everyone is watching and waiting to see if the High Risk Girl is going to fail again. Its unnerving to pass someone in the hall of church get the eye and be asked, "So everything going ok with the pregnancy this time?" As if they are still unconvinced this is it.
I think? But what if its not? What if I am totally and utterly naive? Oh how stupid I'll feel. For believing it was different this time.
And I guess at the heart of it I just don't know what I'll do if this fails. I don't know if I'll have the heart to try again. I don't think Chase would have the heart to try again. In fact, he told me he wouldn't. He said if we have another micropreemie we are DONE! I quickly agreed, DONE!
And what if I continue to ask what ifs no one can answer?
And of course as I finish typing this Haven gives me a good kick in the gonads.
Oh funny little girl you are, you.
I surely am going to kill someone by the end of this.
(((hugs))) and haha at Haven's personality already. Stinker!
ReplyDeleteDo you have a doppler? Saved my life with Aidan whenever I worried before I felt definite movement.
And again, (((hugs))) Pregnancy is hard to begin with. After a preemie, I think is even harder.
I agree with the other commenter, I used my doppler like crazy, and it calmed so many fears...Though that does not take away the fear of preterm issues, but none the less it brings a little comfort...Just take it ONE day at a time...xxxxxx's
ReplyDeleteI was the same way with my pregnancies after Sydney and her open heart surgery. I totally understand how all the unknowns can cause so much anxiety. I have learned that I just need to accept what comes, the good and the bad. When I let go of all my control issues and instead accept whatever Heavenly Father has in store, my anxiety and depression go out the window and I can enjoy life again. Good luck. Try not to stress over all the unknowns. You are strong and capable and you can handle whatever God has in store for you!
ReplyDeleteTry not to worry and just focus on what a miracle you have growing inside of you! Your past does not predict your future, and your body knows exactly what to do even more now that you've been through it once before. You are in the palm of God's hand, and he won't let you fall!
ReplyDeleteI have nominated you for a very inspring blogger award! You can check it out here:
ReplyDeletehttp://thehardenblog.blogspot.com/2012/07/the-very-inspiring-blogger-award.html