As I sit here in my post partum room, I'm filled with so much joy but a tug of saddness since my baby isn't by my side but oh how different it is this time around. So who could complain?
It all happened so fast. So so fast. ************************************************************************************* WARNING NOT FOR MEN (or men with weak stomaches) OR VIRGIN EYES
Halloween night we were going to take Jayda trick or treating but she was throwing her guts up so we just called it an early night (she has RSV...talk about bad timing!. Apparantly that was a blessing in disguise or who knows I would have had her Halloween night.
I remember telling Chase later that night that I felt so nauseous and maybe had what Jayda had, but went to bed and didn't think much of it.
2.am. I wake up to a little gush and I realize I had a little bit of wetness on my underwear, but silly me thinks I just peed myself. I'm further along so I thought the weight of the baby caused it. Durrrrr. Didn't have any more gushes so I went back to sleep.
Throughout the night I felt what I thought was gas pains, but not unbearable pain. I've had pains like this my whole pregnancy and every time it was just constipation issues so didn't think much of it.
6a.m. The gas pains get worse and then I realized the pain is coming and going. Not good. I tried to go to the bathroom to see if that helped and it didn't.
6:45 a.m.- Chase is upstairs with Jayda who is busy getting up early hacking up a storm. He comes downstairs and I tell him I think I'm in labor and we need to go. By this time it was pretty obvious I was in labor since I was contracting every couple minutes and could barely walk or talk through them.
Get to L&D and get set up right away since they saw how much pain I was in. Its about 7a.m. by this time. I'm in so much pain I want to scream...and I did. Yes, I was one of "those".
Chase took Jayda home and called my MIL to come stay with her. I think that was the quickest I'd ever seen Karen get anywhere because he was back in no time.
They did an amniosure to see if my water broke (negative...later told it was a false negative since Dr. Ott told me I was definetely already ruptured. And they checked to see if I was dialated and I was at a 2 (which btw was the MOST PAINFUL THING EVER since I had a posterior cervix and the nurse was practically digging into my cervix). Got my steriod shot, and my nefidepine (double dose). I had Chase and one of the nurses Corey (who Chase knew and grew up with) give me a quick priesthood blessing which made me feel better (emotionally not physically). Then we sent Chase to get my p17 shot at home since I was due for it that day (later ended up in my purse unused...didnt need it at that point.)
Dr. Ott rolls in and says looks like baby is coming, if not today then in the next couple of days. We'll try to get those steriods in and just wait it out, but by the amount of pain you are in..looks like shes going to be here today.
Jaws drop. Eff no. I'm still not far along enough. Damn uterus.
Contractions continue. I said to the nurses (who btw were just angels... and were by my side about the entire time helping keeping me calm and watching her closely since with every contraction she was deceling badly. At one point we slowly lost her heartbeat. I started flipping out and yelled, "GET HER BACK! GET HER BACK!" After the contraction ended she came back up, but I think I still shat a little in my pants.
I then said get me some freaking nubang and put me on a CLOUD...figuring if I was in less pain I would calm down and so would she, but my nurse who was named Diane (and who btw I could tell was an "all natural" type of L&D nurse) said I couldnt yet because she was in distress and if she was born it would be worse for her. They had the meds in their hands but decided to check me first since I said I felt like I needed to go to the restroom. They said if I hadnt progressed much then she would give me the meds. Not so. I was a 9!
By that time tons of nurses swarmed in. Go get Dr. Ott. She's a 9! They wheel me out and instead of taking me to the OR to get my c-section that I was advised OVER and OVER again by the drs that I needed because of my high risk of uterine rupture they instead take me to a birthing room.
Both Chase and I are freaking out. NO NO NO she needs a c-section. What are you doing?
Nurse: Oh no she's not. We wouldnt even have time to set her up. She's having this baby NOW! Me: No pain meds? My uterus is going to rupture! Ott: Well we're gonna have this baby. Let me suit up and we'll start pushing! Me: What about my c-section? Ott: We don't have time. And your risk of uterine rupture is about 25%. Me:(in my head) ohhhhhh ok such GOOD chances. Silly me! (but at that point I was in so much pain I just wanted it over!) I pushed for about 20 minutes. She came so fast I didn't have time to stretch. With every contraction her head would start to come and then suck back in. She was still in distress so Ott said I hate to do this but I need to cut you because we need to get her out right away.
At that point it was just a relief. I could feel him cutting me but honestly was like a pin prick compared to the pain I was feeling. They kept saying, "There's her head, next contraction!" LIARS! I kept saying I just cannot do this and they kept saying YES you can. I thought my head was going to explode all over the wall!
I was not mentally prepared for all this. A. To have the baby at all B. To have her vaginally C. To have her med free
So of course I was screaming and cursing. But once she was out the pain was gone! And the most amazing thing happened. They put her right on my chest and she was screaming! They took her away to get checked out after I said hello and NICU said she was doing great (which I knew the names of everyone in the room from NICU haha)! She weighed 4lbs 4oz and was 18 1/2 inches but had major cone head so probably wasn't that tall.
They handed her back to me wrapped up in her blanket and she looked absolutely perfect. A totally different experience than last time. She was so alert, just staring wide eyes at me.
Even though she was 7 weeks early Chase and I got to hold her for about 30 minutes before they took her off to NICU. She hasnt needed any breathing assistance and will be in the NICU probably for a few weeks before she can come home because she needs to learn how to eat and grow a bit more.
She is so precious and I love her! She's already sucking great on her binki and we're hoping by next week we can start non-nutrative feeding (pump before and let her try to breastfeed.) Right now she is getting whatever I can pump and donor milk until my milk comes in.
Sure full term was ideal but such is life. It was the birth I never thought I'd get. I was completely content. I felt normal for once and although I'm going home without her I know I'll take her home. I'm not going home wondering if they are going to call me in teh middle of the night to tell me she had another episode and they had to bag her for 15 minutes before they got her again. So now that I've been on the flip side I can tell you with a certainty that haing a micro is a WHOLE lot different than having a later preemie. Without a doubt. Sure it still sucks (who wants their baby in the NICU) but I'll take a feeder/grower over a micro any day of the week.
Jayda is sick so she can't meet her just yet but she is SO excited and cant wait to meet baby Haven. She asked me if Haven was out of my belly and she could come to the "hospitable" to come see her. My mom and Chases mom are sick so they have to stay away but her health is way more important than whether they can meet her. I feel bad that they dont get the normal grandparent moment but even if she was term and they were sick they wouldn't get to come either so unfortunately it was just tis the season to be sick. Hopefully I dont get sick. What a bummer that would be!
I have a video of my birth that I'll post when I can. Chase got a little woosey so he took it from my shoulder so you cant see much except for when she comes out but its still so awesome and I'm glad he got it filmed. I just keep watching it over and over and cry everytime with part joy at what a beautiful moment it was and half so proud that I made it through alive (both of us).