Monday, November 19, 2012

The end is near...

So life has been crazy. I guess thats what happens when you have 2 kids in 2 locations. Luckily Chase has been able to work from home during the day and so it allows me to go to the hospital to breastfeed a lot easier than if he wasnt home and I was shuttling her around. Plus its more predicatable for Jayda and I really think she needs that. The other day she said as I was leaving for the 5th time to the hospital in the day she said, "Mommy I miss you." Broke my little heart. Were almost done bug.

Literally I go feed her at 7,10,1,4,& 7. Then at night I let the nurses give her a bottle. I aint stupid! I'll take the sleep while I can get it because I know soon we wont be getting any!

So today in rounds the NNP told me to set up an appointment on Monday for the pediatrician since she thinks we should be home by the end of the week. Lets hope we dont have to cancel! They asked me if we wanted to go home on thanksgiving and I said I didnt want to because I didnt really want her around a ton of people. One of them is bound to be sick so why risk it? So they said if she keeps it up we could room in on thursday and go home on friday. Sounds great to me! Hopefully little miss keeps eating!

She did so well yesterday! She took 3 full feeds and 2 half feeds from me. Then last night she took all her bottles except one she ate everything but 10mls. But this morning she pooped out at the 7am feeding and only did a few minutes from me. At the 10am feeding she ate a full feed again. Hopefully she doesnt poop out again. We shall see! She still needs some of her feeds through the tube but we're so close!

According to our NICU 10 minutes is a full feed, which she rarely does. She usually will go a full good 5 minutes and then shes done. Then I give her a little break and then she does another few minutes. The thing is my milk supply is so great we think she gets plenty during those 7-8 minutes. So we've let her go and her diapers are fantastic and her weight gain is great (shes almost 5lbs now!). So I think she is just a fast nurser. In fact a lot of times my let down is so great that she just chokes on it because she cant keep up with it. By the end of the day I smell like spoiled milk haha. Yummy.

We also decided that the feeds she is just done at 5 minutes and needs a break I just pump my hind milk, fortify it and then top her off with about an ounce in a bottle. One feed today she sucked it right down....then the next she did the 5 min and didnt want the bottle. Little stinker was wide awake too. She just didnt want it.

Oh so we had a roommate from HELL. Ok the mom was ok but the dad...holy crap he was a douche. First off, he had just come back from a hunt...his wife had just had her baby (at 34 weeks) and she has 2 kids (5 and 3). Plus she lives 45 min away from the NICU. And the guy goes on a TRIP? Oh HELLLLL no. That would never happen over in this household. Crazy crap.

So then they come wearing football jerseys...guess that should have given it away. So they pull the curtain so she could breastfeed and all of a sudden I hear this really loud rock music. I just looked over at the curtain like ARE YOU FOR REAL right now?!? Then I realize he is watching FOOTBALL and its LOUD! Youre not home are in the newborn INTENSIVE care unit.

So I go tell my nurse and she decides shes going to say something after I left. Well I guess once I left the football fans asked if they could get their own room because THEY felt claustraphobic. So perfect. So they found them another room, but apparantly the charge nurse was really bothered by how loud the noise was. Well today they got another roommate. hahahaha Sweet revenge. I love that they gave the roommate to them and not to me. They must just love me or at least thats what I figured.... :)

On another note...

Emotionally I've been coping extremely well. Being in the NICU has really brought back a lot of memories of Jaydas NICU stay and so its hard not to compare Jayda and Haven even though they are miles away in every way possible. With Jayda it was 2 steps forward one step back but with Haven its more just like a bunch of itty bitty steps forward. I think there are so many reasons I'm coping so well.

1. She was 7 weeks later and it showed! She didnt look like a red wrinkled old man (although we loved our little old man).

2. The birth. It was amazing. Scary but amazing. It was everything I wanted. Obviously a little earlier than expected, but it was the birth I dreamt about. The birth I wanted SO bad but didnt think would ever happen. I got to hold her right away. Bond with her. I felt like I was involved in her birth and not a bystander. I felt proud of myself for what I had accomplished. I think that makes all the difference in the degree of PTSD that a NICU mom goes through since a lot of times the birth is so traumatic its hard not to let go of that.

3. Obviously I'm a NICU vet so I not only have the built in relationships with the staff but I also know the lingo. I know the drill and know the setbacks. I also know how freaking good I have it. I walk past the rooms of the teeny tiny babies and just breathe a sigh of relief that we didnt have to walk that path again. I dont have to sit and once again be a bystander and just watch from the outside of a plastic box waiting and wondering if I'll ever have a normal baby. I'm involved and can feed my baby. I can pick her up whenever instead of needing a nurse to hand her to me. Its all around just so so different.

4. This time I dont have to watch torturous procedures done on my baby. No central lines, no IVs (well we did for a few days), no gosh awful eye exams, no watching my baby be drowned by the built in fluid from the high flow, and no crazy medications and tpn and lipids. I feel like a mother instead of a nurse.

Sure it sucks. Its an inconvienience. Its hard leaving my baby but I look around and count my blessings. There is always a worse story and you know what I have a healthy baby out of this and so many women A. Dont get to concieve a baby at all B. Dont take home their baby at all C. Have a baby with serious issues. In fact when I see pregnant women now I dont feel left out. I dont really feel that sting of jealousy I did after I had Jayda. Maybe it'll come but for now I dont. I guess I got to empathize (for a little while) with how miserable you really are. So I got to see that side...although I still would love to be pregnant and not sleeping at night because of being uncomfortable over being in the NICU, but you get what you get and you dont throw a fit. :)

The one thing I am having a hard time is not knowing what the future holds for our family. It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about getting pregnant again but saying I'm done just doesnt feel right. I'm trying not to think about it but its hard to feel out of control. I feel like I dont have any choices and I hate that I cant plan my family like normal people do. But you betta believe I am IUDing it up at my 6 week apt!

One thing I do know is I work my assssss off to get these babes here. Lots of blood, sweat, and tears (literally). Over 100 days in the NICU. But man, they are so worth it!


  1. It sounds crazy but you sound so good! So glad hunter football dude got what's coming to him (feel bad for the new roommate though).

  2. Hi Ashley. I just found your blog and am now following along. I'm so glad your little one is gaining weight and will hopefully be home with you soon. You're such a trooper and keeping a positive attitude. I can only imagine how hard it must be.