Sunday, November 11, 2012

Meeting Big Sis, Boobie Popsicles, and Some Answers

Jayda finally was able to meet Haven this last Thursday. I was glad she was finally feeling better and could see where mommy was going so much. I think she was beginning to wonder if baby Haven was really in existance.

Of course the minute Jayda walked in she was an instant celebrity among the nurses that took care of her. We walked past the hell hole we call room 6 and I was in instant relief that my former 26 weeker was running past that room instead of laying there looking like Benjamin Button.

Side note-we had been transfered back down to NICU 1 because they closed the step down since there was not enough babies in NICU 1...we have since gone BACK up to the step down since there were 5 admits in one night and I'm told they are keeping it open mainly because being down in NICU 1 haunts my dreams.

Chase and I were having a conversation about how even though the NICU is so different (it has since been remodeled and repainted) the sounds and smells bring us right back to those long hard days where we didn't know A. if Jayda was going to live B. If she was going to have long term problems. Just being down there puts you in such a bad mood. Granted I LOVE the people and its so nice to have great relationships with so many of the nurses, Neos, NNPs, RTs, etc. And its nice I even know what all those acronyms stand for. :)

We walked in the coveted side rooms where all the boring preemies are and Jayda was SO stoked to see Haven. She just stood there at first while Chase held her and just smiled. Then she said, "That's my baby sister Haven? She's sooo cute." She has since started calling Haven "brother" because she said she looked like a boy. She sat on Chase's lap and kissed Haven's head. I thought she was leaning in to her lips and I about had a heart attack. I about broke down though as we were leaving when she said, "I want to bring baby Haven home with us." So do I bug. So do I.

Then the social worker Rose had a little stuffed animal for her that she absolutely loved. KerryAnn the lactation specialist took her around the NICU and looked at all the pictures of the babies on the doors and gave her a big sister sticker. Then one of Jayda's old nurses Susan took her in to see a mom of 29 week twins to show her what her 1 1/2 lbers could be someday. That made me happy.

Haven has been doing pretty good. Were just waiting for the light bulb to finally go off. I'll see it flicker on every now and then but it has yet to fully come on. Mostly she will lick me like a little boobie popsicle. She LOVES the taste of my breastmilk and wishes it was on tap whenever she wanted it. If i put the binki in her mouth she hates the taste. I see my nipple becoming her little binki in the future. Even when she is completely done with latching on if I move her higher up on my breast just to snuggle she starts rooting around again until I put her back so she can lick the drops coming out like a little faucet. Lazy butt.

Today she was pretty tuckered out but around the 4:00 cares she was ready to go. That seems to be her magical time. She breastfed for maybe 2 minutes and then zonked out. Then at 7 we gave her a bath and after her bath she was rooting around all over the place. She did SO good. She went for at least 3 minutes and I know she got some. The nurse pulled tons of air out of her NG tube but she did have some fresh breastmilk in there. Slowly but surely.

On another note. My OB came and chatted with me this morning. He wasn't the dr that delivered me unfortunately because he wasn't the dr on that week but I know him much better than the dr that delivered me. He also explains things a lot better than the other dr. The NICU staff said he's been trying to get a hold of me to talk to me about everything but I'm in and out a lot. I think it was sweet of him to make the effort to come find me. That means a lot.

He pretty much said that I'll always have a preemie. Its probably that the way my body manufactures the water bag isn't strong enough to hold the baby to term so its likely that my water will break prematurely every time.

The question is how early. Obviously the p17 shots were a big reason that I made it further and IF we get pregnant again I'd definetely be getting those again. I asked him if it would be dumb to ever get pregnant again and he said no as long as I knew I'd probably always have NICU babies. If I was ok with that then that was a decision we had to make.

I talked to Chase today and were just not sure were willing to do that again. If you were to tell me I'd have a 33-34 weeker I'd probably do it again (whether that sounds selfish or not) but if you were to tell me I'd have another micro I'd say HELL-TO-THE-NO! Not because we don't love our little Jayda bug but because I think we'd have to admit ourselves to the psych ward to go through something that traumatic again.

So we're not sure whether were willing to play the lotto again. We obviously aren't thinking about our next baby yet when we don't even have our current baby home yet but its nice to kind of know what my options are for the future. And a part of me feels like my back is up against a wall. I mean its not like we concieved Haven in a flash and we don't want Haven and the next one far apart in age. We know we want one more baby and then we're done we just dont know yet if that will be through my jacked up uterus or through adoption.

We were close to the adoption process this last year. We were going to do the 3 iuis and then move on to adoption but then we got pregnant. So a part of us thinks well maybe this is Heavenly Father saying lets close up shop and move on. Either way we'll make our decision when Haven is a year old.

And you know what. I feel at peace (at this time) if I never did get pregnant again. I got to the 3rd trimester. I was miserably big-ish and a deformed face to top things off. I got my all natural VBAC. I got to hold my baby right after delivery. I'm going to be able to breastfeed. Those are all things that I wanted and I'll get even if it never happens again.

And I'm being honest when a part of getting pregnant again was to prove that I could do it. And now I know its not going to happen and all I'll be next pregnancy is a nervous wreck. This time I really thought I was going all the way and so my stress levels were pretty stable. I was more worried about a stillborn than a preemie. Next time I'm going to feel like a ticking time bomb and I'm not sure whether I'm willing to put myself through that.

We'll have to see but its nice to finally close that chapter and not wonder if its going to happen again. Thats not the question. Its are we willing to buy that lotto ticket one last time? And right now we're not sure. So maybe its time for my uterus and I to lay our weapons down and call it a truce.

For now, I'm perfectly content with my two girlies. I feel incredibly blessed. We worked hard to get her here and I just can't wait til we're all together. She's absolutely perfect except for the eating part. Come on light bulb, turn on!!! I want to snuggle both my babies in bed and just take a nap. Is that too much to ask?


  1. Beautiful post Ashley! Sorry for the news about not being able to ever make it full term but you've taken it with such stride and grace... your positivity is inspiring. :) Big hugs and love your gorgeous family!

  2. great post ashley. we kinda feel the same with our situation as far as always having nicu babies. oh, life! and chalmers is so awesome, ha! it's nice to have an honest doctor who allows you to make your own choices. we've decided to be done, but we want to adopt a couple of kids in our older age (ha ha ha whenever that might be, for the simple reason of bettering their lives and hopefully bringing them into the Gospel, probably will be older kids, if we ever did, or had the money to). So whatever you guys decide, you have a beautiful family now and will in the future, and if you do end up adopting, I will have to look for you as an example and maybe ask a few questions! he he