Happy birthday to my sweet sister Candy!

So many of you may not know that I have an older sister named Candice (Candy) who died before I was born. She was almost 4 years old when she died from a brain tumor. They had thought she was in remission after she got radiation and her brain scans showed nothing at all, but it came back "smarter" and instead of coming as one big mass it branched out throughout her brain so that a mass didn't show up on the scans. One night she came down with a bad fever and my mom took her to the doctor who said it was probably just a virus. After the fever didn't get better she took her tot he doctor again and eventually made their way to the hospital. They left her for the night because the doctors said that she would be fine and that she was stable. But later that night they got a call that she had slipped into a coma. When they got to the hospital they didn't think it was THAT bad because the nurse inside her room was laughing and joking (as they were drilling her head to release all the built up fluid). Thats when the doctor came out and said death was iminent and asked if they wanted her organs donated. Horrible bedside manner to say the least. She died the next day. They did donate her organs and she saved a little boys life (i forget which organ...I think it was her liver), she donated her corneas and gave a doctor his eyesight back. I couldn't ever imagine having to donate my childs organs. No parent should ever have to do that.

 It was all so sudden for them. They thought their baby girl was ok but didnt find out until later in the autopsy that the cancer had spread out in branches instead. Ever since having Jayda I can more fully appreciate how hard it would be to lose a child....especially with how close we came to losing her. I can't imagine going through all of that especially with my mom being pregnant during her treatment and having a newborn (my sister Becky) during the passing of your daughter. My parents are so strong and I know that we will see Candy again someday.

When I was little I remember asking about Candy all the time. I cherish the times that my mom and I would sit and talk about her for hours. I would ask her all kinds of questions because I so badly wanted to have my sister even if I hadn't met her in this lifetime. Candy was the biggest of my moms babys and she thinks she would be the tallest out of all of us if she had lived. My brother Chris and her were irish twins. Only a year and a month apart exactly. They were best buddies and when Candy died my brother came home and destroyed his room because he was so angry. He still has a hard time with it and just a couple years ago when we were talking about her he started sobbing. I had never seen him like that before or even talk much about Candy at all, but her passing really afffected him. Candy loved to sing and she loved her picture of Jesus. My mom said she was the most caring, kind, and selfless little girl ever. One time she told my mom that she was afraid to die. I couldn't imagine hearing those words from your 4 year old daughter. She loved her cabbage patch doll and carried it around with her all the time.

Even though Candy is gone I know we will all see her again someday. I know she comes and comforts us when we are in need. I truely believe that our deceased loved ones help us through hard situations that we can't do on our own. I know Candy was there helping Jayda during the NICU. I feel like on some level she could relate to being small and in the hospital being poked and prodded. She was by far the best person to help comfort her. I want to thank her for that because I truely don't think without her help we could have done it.

Yesterday Candy would have turned 31 years old. I bet she was celebrating in heaven with all our other family! Happy birthday Candy! We love you!

Heres a poem that my dad posted on facebook yesterday and it hangs on my parents wall at home next to a picture of her and her shadow box.

Little Hands held in mine-Sweet tender touch! So brief the time. Thy gift of love was given me, before those hands returned to Thee. Dear Savior, hear my heartfelt prayer. Keep them safe within Thy care, Until the time Thy gift can be-Those little hands restored to me.

Rats, primates, sex and menstrual cycles. We always learn something.

So I'm a total dork and even though my behavioral neuroscience class is over with I really wanted to read the chapter on Reproductive Behavior since we didn't cover that chapter and I was very curious. It's some interesting stuff I tell you. Well in one section I was reading about the mentstral cycle in animals and this is what it said.

" The reproductive cycles of female primates is called a menstrual cycle (from mensis meaning "month"). Females of other species of mammals also have reproductive cycles called estrous cycles. Estrus means "gadfly": when a female rat is in estrus, her hormonal condition goads her to act differently than she does at other times, (For that matter, it goads male rats to act differently too.) The primary feature that distinguishes menstrual cycles from estrous cycles is the monthly growth and loss of the lining of the uterus. The other features are approximately the same- except that the estrous cycle of rats takes 4 days  Also, the sexual behavior of female mammals with estrous cycles is linked with ovulation, whereas most female primates can mate at any time during their menstrual cycles."

Ok so in other words our species totally got SCREWED! Four days for rats and ANYDAY for primates? Lucky animals! YOU ANIMALS! I think Michelle Duggar accidently got a rat uterus instead. muahahaha

Thats not it.....You thought they had it good (if your trying to concieve that is)....just wait...this was in another section.

"As Wallen pointed out, the ovarian hormones control not only the willingness (or even eagerness) of an estrous female to mate but also her ability to mate. That is, a male rat cannot copulate with a female rat that it not in estrus. Even if he would overpower her and mount her, her lordosis response would not occur, and he would be unable to achieve intromission. Thus, the evolutionary process seems to have selected animals that mate only at a time when the female is able to become pregnant."

Now that is going too far! Our species DEFINATLY got screwed! If only I were a rat I would've had millions of babies by now...haha good stuff.

Father's Day

I know I'm a tad late (been so busy with school, moving, and getting back into my working out routine) but Fathers Day was a great day. The day before FD we went to lunch with my dad, mom, and brother to Olive Garden to celebrate. Then later that night we went out to eat at Texas Roadhouse with Chase's parents, Cameron and Natalie, and Caitlyn and Taylor. Then after that  with Cameron/ Natalie and Catiy and Taylor went to lazer mania and played video games for a bit...decided we wanted to go to Fiesta Fun instead and rode the bumper cars (actually not bumping cars so goat carts??)....yeah thats a whole nother story...long story short I made a little girl cry because I accidently slammed into the back of her...I even gave up my 1st place victory to stop and help her. She didn't want anything to do with me...k you big cry baby get over it. lol no but seriously I felt bad. Then we went mini golfing and played some more arcades. Pretty much acted 12 again. It was way fun.

Then on Sunday we skipped church again (sinners I know) since Chase worked 17hr days all last week and we were both SO burnt out. I got him a game that we have been talking about for years since we played with my brother and his wife but we were too cheap before to get. Since Chase has been working so hard (and reaping the monetary benefits I figured I'd go all out for him). So I got him Settlers of Catan AND the extention pack to have 5-6 people play. It it the best and most addicting game ever! So much fun! And then I got him some clothes from Aero (his favorite place). I got him these cool plaid shorts, some swim trunks, and 2 aero shirts.

Oh and this was part Fathers Day- part we need a new camera because stupid ole me washed ours in the washer...we really needed a new one anyways since it was super old and cheap. So we got one and we went all out because we want quality that way we dont have to buy a camera every few years. We got the Nikon coolpix...its a inbetween for a point and shoot and a little camera. My sister is the photographer not me...in now way shape or form. lol I LOVE it though and we got it on sale!

I love my husband he is the best daddy ever! Its wierd to think that just two years ago we "celebrated" Fathers Day in the NICU and this year we spent it at home with a busy toddler!

PS Blogger is being stupid and wont let me add pictures (it let me add the picture of my camera though lol). GRRR!

I'm a sinner!

Today we stayed home from church. Jayda was throwing up violently all Friday night/ Saturday morning but not because she was sick but she had a horrible allergic reaction to the soy milk we tried with her. So lets just say every blanet and pair of pj's was soaked with puke. She must have she puked 100 times...oh and had the runs so bad she even shat in the tub....I almost lost my cookies lemme tell ya! Then Chase had to go to work the next day from 6am-9:30pm. So needless to say we needed a Sunday refresher...I think we all need one now and again. Jayda felt fine and we know wasn't sick but sometimes you just don't want to go to church. I think Heavenly Father understands. Chase even went to Walmart today and I went running. We're going to hell I tell ya. But tomorrow is the beginning of a new week. I'm headed back to the gym, putting the cookies and soda away, and getting off my fat butt. We all get in those ruts, I'm just woman enough to admit it. :) One more week til 2 of my classes end! I can see the light! No wonder "normal" people
wait til they are done with college to have kids! It's freakishly hard to juggle it all, but I wouldn't trade miss booger pants for anything! :)

Life

So life has been so nuts lately! I am taking 3 classes (Behavioral Neuroscience, History of Psychology, and Math 1040...I thought I was done with Math since I already have my associates but nope its a pre-req for one of my psych classes UGH), then I have a rambuncious 2 year old, my husband works over 12 hours a day usually from 6:30am-7:30 or 8:30 sometimes 9:30pm, and we are moving in a little over 2 weeks! Kill me now!

So this is the update as of late!

We went to Jayda's 2 year appt and she was 19lbs and 31 inches. Yup you guessed it she isn't even on the chart for weight and for height she is in the 3rd percentile! :D I love my little bean and the dr isn't concerned at all. She's just meant to be small I guess! She eats really well so we know she isn't starving! One thing the dr did mention though is that he wants us to watch out for ADHD. He in no way diagnosed her with it since she is way too young but he said she is more active than the typical 2 year old. Plus she has two things going against her to make her more likely to have ADHD 1. her preematurity since they are more likely to get it since they are exposed to too much stumli before the brain is ready 2. genetics. It definatly runs in Chase's family and she was definatly preemature :) so she has 2 strikes against her now. So we are just going to watch it but I wouldn't be suprised if she ends up with it since she has a very hard time focusing more so than other kids her age that I see around. I mean I too an extent not focusing is normal for a toddler but with her its to a whole new level. We still love her the same but boy at the end of the day I am very exhausted! Luckily we can start now by putting her in an adequate environment so she isn't overstimulated.

So as for me I am so busy with school and such that I have really been slacking in the eating healthy/working out department. I've gained a few pounds and I just feel gross. I'm just on the go so much that I haven't been watching what I am eating and I'm not working out like at all because I have so much to do and when I do have time I want to spend it with Chase or sitting on my butt at the end of the day. So today I went grocery shopping and only bought healthy stuff for us to eat because if its not in the house I cant eat it. :D The other day I went to the gym and burned 800calories and thought I was going to die. Usually I would burn 1200 calories no problem so I know I am very out of shape now! Ewww I hate that feeling! Today I ate healthy though! Yah!

I am currently taking 3 different classes one of which is math 1040 and I HATE math. Usually the best grade I would get is a C in math but I have to get a B or even an A because I want to try to graduate with honors if I can. I'll just be happy to graduate in general but with honors would be the cherry on top. We'll see I won't push my luck. Usually in my math classes I wouldn't ask very many questions because I felt stupid...because they were usually really stupid questions but this time I don't give a crap! And let me tell you what am I glad I didn't major in anything math because math teachers are so BORING! I would go out of my mind. Talk about no personality whatsoever (at least in my experience). And then you ask a question and they look at you like you are the dumbest person alive and say "well logically that wouldn't make sense now would it?" Then I always reply (in my mind of course) "Sorry I am a right brain and I hate math. I'm sure I could write an essay much better than you so there. He confimed my suspicion when he spelled something wrong, caught it and  then said "thats why I teach Math isn't it?" But for the first time in my life I took a math test yesterday and didn't have to guess on anything!

Then starting in about a week or so I need to start packing up everything so we can move into my inlaws house. And yes I have to do it alone because Chase will be working constantly. I feel so bad because Jayda asks "Daddy? Daddy? Where he go? Daddy???" It's so sad because she hardly sees him, except yesterday when he had a day off. He leaves for work either before or right as she is waking up and usually gets home after she is asleep so he never sees her. Its sad but hey we got to make money right? Still sucks though!

So thats life right now! But I love being busy.
P.S. This post took FOREVER to write. :D

Jayda's b-day party

Well Jayda's 2nd b-day part was Toy Story themed. She loves Toy Story so it was fitting! We had a great time with great family and friends! Here are some pics of the party!

Jayda and her buddy Lincoln playing on the slip n slide!

oooo the claw!

My mother in law made this! So funny!

No he is not our kid haha thats my good friend Mills son!

She dug right in!

My mommy made these! My favorite!

She got many toys so I wont post them all but this one was so cool that my Aunt got her. She loves it!

Jayda is TWO! Her entire birth story! VERY LONG!

I've never wrote down her birth story with all the details I can rememeber. So here it goes!

Two years ago today I woke up in the morning on my 12th day of hospital bed rest. Immediately upon waking I saw the little white board on the bathroom door hanging and it already read 6-6-09- 26weeks 4days. Right away I knew it wasn't going to be a good day. It was almost the devils number except for the 9 was upside down. I thought to myself I just want this day to go faster and in fact I even erased the 26weeks 4 days and replaced it with a 5. In my mind it was already the next day....so close to 27 weeks I could taste it. I still consider her 26 weeks and 5 days because I delivered her 30 min shy of day 5 so I just give it to me anyways. Its amazing how one day to a preemie mom means everything. :D

I got my little pregnancy day by day book out from my little side table and read the entry for that day. Most women didn't have to do that on hospital bedrest but I had already figured out pretty quickly my situation wasn't like most.

I picked up the phone and dialed to order my breakfast. Sadly, ordering food was the highlight of my day. The one thing that was great about hospital bedrest was the FOOD! It was amazing! My nurse walked in and greeted me for the day. I had an indifference to this nurse. Some days she was *on* and somedays she was WAY off. The first time she was my nurse my impression was that she was mean but one day we started chatting about "The Bachelorette". It was Jillian's season and she said her favorite was Jake. That should have been my first clue that this lady wasn't all there if you know what I mean.

Chase came later to hang out with me since it was a Saturday and he didn't have work. He hated being there since it was so boring but it really was the highlight of my day and lemme tell ya there were so many little things I looked forward to...like a shower! My mom came and joined us and chatted for a bit. I felt a little uncomfortable because I had been sitting up for too long since I had just gotten done eating lunch. I laid on my side and felt like I could drift back to sleep at any given moment. I switched positions right as my mom decided to go and literally as soon as the door clicked shut. POP goes my water and I freeze like a deer in headlights.

Chase: "What's wrong?"
Me: "Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Get the nurse in here right now! My water just broke and I'm all wet."

Then I fly into hysterics. The nurse walks in as if she just arrived at tea time with her sunday brunch buddies.

Nurse: "That's OK we were expecting this, its completely normal. I was just helping the lady down the hall and she just had one of these epidsodes and she is eating lunch now. It will be OK."

Normal? NORMAL? ohhh ok note to self water breaking at 26 weeks totally normal. Gotcha. I'll remember that next time! Silly me for freaking out. Of course that was my intial reaction but now I know she was just trying to keep me calm.

So in my frensy and my water continuing to gush out I asked to be able to sit on the toilet. So we took me along with all my monitors still hooked up and lets just say all my pride out the window. Before this I had never let Chase see me on the toilet because it was too wierd. After that I didn't give a damn!

So after I was done I lifted my gown and saw my stomach. There was nothing left. It looked like I had a little beer belly and that was about it. It freaked me out! I told Chase, we are having this baby today and she is going to be small. The ultrasound confirmed my worries, only 2cm of water left so my belly that I had before was just fluid.

Shortly after, the pain started coming and I knew it was over. The doctor came in and asked me the question that I hate the most, "What is your pain like on a scale of 1 to 10?" How the heck am I supposed to know what constitutes for a 10? I sure as heck wasn't feeling like those ladies I see on "The Baby Story" where they are screaming in pain, but it wasn't normal. He decided to check me to see if I had dialated and luckily I wasn't but I was 75% effaced which had gone from 50% 12 days prior. Not to shabby if you ask me. But it still didn't convince me that everything was ok. I think moms just know when its over because it was a completely different feeling than when I initially came in.

So the doctor didn't really think I was going into labor and said that even if I did then he wouldn't stop it because it meant that the baby was trying to say that it was too toxic of an environment. Didn't help too much with my ego when he said my uterus was a "toxic" environment for my unborn child. Made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. They gave me some light pain meds, told me to stay calm.....riiiiiight let me get right on that....and that he wouldn't check me again unless it was absolutely dire.

Even with the pain meds I was still in pain and knew it was contractions. The lovely nurse didn't believe me because the "monitor" didn't pick it up....yeah thats because my uterus is smaller than your stupid monitors to even fit on it! So she left me there in pain pretty much telling me that it was all in my head and that I was being dramatic. I was so glad when 6 rolled around and she wasn't my nurse anymore. I bet she felt like an idiot the next day when she found out I had delivered although a few days later I saw her and she said she wasn't suprised....well then why didn't you freaking believe me crazy lady?!? But they were short on nurses so instead of getting another nurse I didn't see anyone for like 2 hours even after I pushed the call button. Again...that warm and fuzzy feeling.

As irony would have it the same exact nurse that was there when I came in initially was going to be my nurse. I still remember her name it was Kristen. Luckily for me she knew I knew what being in labor felt like even though the monitors weren't picking them up. She said that she was going to give me Nubang (that wonderful pain med that made me feel like a cloud the first day I came in). She said if Nubang didn't do anything to take my pain away then I was probably going to have her tonight. The pain didn't go away...but did take the edge off. At that point I was counting contractions every 3-4 minutes or so. We called everyone and told them this was probably it. My inlaws came for a bit and sat with me trying to comfort me although as anyone that is in active labor knows your just not in the mood to smile, laugh, and joke. So they left and Chase was with me. He thought I was being dramatic too...you'd think he'd learn to listen to me. :D I also remember my other nurse that was there when I came in the first day, her name was Julie. She came in and talked to me even though she wasn't my nurse. I still love her to this day. I see her ALL the time around town and give her a big hug everytime I see her. She had her baby at 33 weeks so she knows some of the feelings involved.

They also had someone from the NICU come in and say they were all ready to go in case I delivered that night. That made me feel better to know that someone was taking me seriously. They were updated every 12 hours on the cases of the antepatrum patients and since there was just a shift change they knew it was possible that I could deliver.

So I started to feel more pain and pressure. I told my nurse that I didn't feel good about this. She said that she had been begging my Dr. (Dr. Karvord...cant spell his name for the life of me). to come and check me, but he didn't want to check me again because of the risk of infection. I told my nurse that I wanted her to call my original OB Dr. Cain because I knew I was going to deliver and knew that I wanted him there. She seemed suprised that I asked to call him since he was no longer on my case. She asked "Do you think he would want me to call him?" And I said "YES I'm sure he would like to know." He had been such a good dr and called me every now and then or came in whenever he could when he was at the hospital to check up on me. Finally Dr. K came to the hospital for something else (or so the nurse told me) and the nurse finally convinced him to check me. So at this point it was about 11:15pm or so. He came in check me and said "Opp...thats a hand or a foot we gotta go right now." Her poor little legs were so bruised later on because they were hanging down there for so long. Poor little thing. After her said that I think I went into shock. Chase had to be woken up...yeah we won't talk about that...and we were off.

I felt like I was floating. This wasn't real. This was a horrible dream and I had to wake up from it. Then all of a sudden I remember getting my spinal while bending over bawling on a nurse's shoulder. Then I saw the anethesiaologist, Dr. Cain rushing in giving me this pitiful look, and Dr. K putting on his gown. I laid down and didn't know whether to smack or hug my anethesiaologist. He almost seemed excited, like he was glad he was there for this one. It was like my daughter was going to be the freak show that everyone wanted to see. But his cheery attitude was a good gesture in helping me stay positive. I was dreading the next moments that I had been trying to hold off for the last 12 days. The moments where they tell me she is going to die or that they were able to save her. The dr. forgot to tell me when she was born or something because I had to keep asking "Is she here yet? Is she here yet?" I thought I saw her being taken away in a towel by a nurse but the problem was that I didn't see any baby in the towel. And the fact that I didn't hear a congrats your a parent or a cry I didn't think that was a good sign. Most parents can hear a cry and know that they are parents but I had to ask my anethesiaologist if my daughter was alive. This was the point I wanted to hug him. He said "Didn't you hear her crying? She is fighting them so hard! That is a really good sign!"

These next moments were super blurry. All I remember next was being taken in to recovery and Dr. Cain coming over and chatting with me and telling me how good she looked. Finally Chase came and showed me pictures that he took of her. I guess he had a little episode and kinda went into shock and the nurses had to help him. I of course missed the whole thing but he said he was with her and that helped me a lot. The pictures were scary but precious at the same time. This was the first picture of her I saw and the first time I saw her face...well what parts of her face I could see.

I had to see her. Now. Before she died. I couldn't handle not seeing my daughter alive while people that didn't even know her had. I had just had a c-section though and they said that I had to be able to feel my legs. I tried so hard to feel them and the moment I did I asked to be wheeled down...which they did. As I finally saw her I just put my little finger in her hand and she squeezed it back. That meant the world to me. During the c-section it was such an emergency that they ended up accidentally cutting her arm and she needed stiches right as she got out. She still has a scar from it. The dr never apologized for it and in fact I don't even remember him coming up to me afterwards to talk to me. Maybe he did and I just blocked him out since he wasn't my favorite person that day. In fact later on when we were in the NICU I would see him every now and then and he never once said hi or asked me how she was doing. Jerk.

 All I remember was Dr. Miner the neonatologist being so sweet and so positive about her situation. He kept pointing out all the positives about the situation, her skin looked great, she cried before he intubated her, she fought him tooth and nail. I asked several questions that I ended up asking again the next day again. I was so out of it that I didn't even remember asking him anything. He just laughed and said "Well I answered all these questions yesterday but I'll answer them again." He was such a sweet caring doctor. I was so appreciative that he was there her whole NICU stay and moved after she was just about to go home. I always regret not getting any pictures of him though. : (.

Her birth story may not be story book but its ours. Although I never want to go through that again it makes her story special which is very fitting because she is such a special person. Happy birthday little girl!