Blood work in

Progesterone level was 14.3! Fist pump! Pretty much means I definatly ovulated! That is an awesome number! The Dr. is optimistic...we shall see. I'm trying not to get my hopes up and over-analyze every little thing, but its hard.....I am a psychology major after all....we over-analyze everything! My brain is already about to explode and its only been a 1 1/2 weeks into classes. Sigh.

Last night my heart kinda broke a little bit. I was taking Jayda out last night shopping. When she was in her car seat she had her little baby and it cries (kinda annoying) but she just took the baby looked at it and just had this saddest face like she was going to cry too and said, "baby sad!" Then she took the baby hugged it, kissed it, and then stroked her head. Then she asked for a binki for it but I didn't have one so she put her little finger in her mouth and it stopped crying. It was so precious but made me so sad that she would even love a baby and she doesn't have that right now. I can't wait for her to be a big sister. She'll be such an awesome one!

My Mountain is Bigger than your Mountain

After having Jayda I have to say I compared myself to others a lot...mainly other moms. From the outside I felt I had the worst situation compared to those around me. I had a sick baby that required intensive care and I felt like my "normals" were stolen away from me. I was sitting in a NICU room staring at a 1 1/2lb baby all the while watching pregnant NICU nurses' big bellys push up against my baby's incubator. I just felt so cheated. I remember I used to just chuckle when a mom would try to compare her 34 weeker who spent 2 weeks in the NICU to my 26 weeker who hadn't even broken 2lbs yet. How dare they!

Although I will still argue they are vastly different journeys I've come to a conclusion. We all have our mountains to climb in life. Some are straight up with not a lot of give or handholds, but have an amazing view once you look out. Some are pretty smooth but have parts that are difficult and require help. Regardless of what your mountain looks like, comparing mountains won't make yours any easier to climb.

But we're human. It's human nature to take the woe is me card. To feel like others don't understand. I used to be very bitter whenever I would hear a pregnant woman complain about their pregnancy. Irrate. But in these last couple years I've learned that my anger isn't going to change their perspective and ignorance truely is bliss.

And here I was comparing mountains when in fact I didn't realize that some of the ones that looked easy at first had parts of difficulty that weren't in my field of vision. That was only something that the person climbing had to endure. And sometimes maybe thats even harder...to have to climb something so difficult and not have any acknowledgment for the endurance you've had to show.

While other mountains that I had previously judged as "easier" had parts that were so rigorous I had never known someone to climb with such strength. Who was I to judge another, especially someones mountain that I had never even stepped foot on?

Focusing on my mountain is what will get me further. And even if my mountain is harder or bigger than the little hills it seems others have, in the end the view is just that much more breathtaking.

Pretty sure...

I ovulated! Yipee! I've been temping and I have a thermal shift but mainly I know because starting on Saturday I was getting BAD ovulation pain. By Sunday I couldn't even get up without feeling SO tender. I've never had ovulation pain so bad. Then yesterday I had it a little bit but not as much. Today I have nothing. So couple that with the thermal shift and I'm pretty sure it happened. We definatly covered our bases pretty good but I'm trying not to get too excited because even if you do everything right chances aren't typically in your favor. We'll see! I'm just estatic that I actually ovulated AND ovulated on CD14! So THIS is what ovulating on CD14 feels like! I go in next tuesday for a progesterone check to make sure but I'll be shocked if it doesn't show it.

Mastering your Metabolism and vent on the Food industry

So I've been reading the book "Mastering Your Metabolism" by Jillian Michaels and have learned a ton about how foods can really affect your hormones/metabolism. I already knew the more whole the food is the better for you but I never knew exactly why eating processed foods can really screw your up metabolism. It really makes sense. I remember after Chase and I got married and I pudged up a little that even if I ate one little thing I gained weight. It was so frustrating! Looking back now I cringe at what I was eating and actually thought was healthy. I would make those Rice-a-Roni boxes and make tacos. I picked up the box the other day and looked at the sodium content and there was 1500mg of sodium in ONE box! Crazy! I can't believe I was consuming that before.

After Jayda was born I watched a documentary called "Food Inc." and it really did change my life. Ever since then I can't buy meat at Walmart, I have to buy it at a local supermarket that is not organic but way better than the crap you buy at Walmart. I try to go organic whenever I can and if there are more than a few ingredients in something I don't buy it. You really do get addicted to processed foods just like people can be addicted to smoking or drugs. The food industry literally adds additives that are addictive in nature. And the scary part is that we are getting our CHILDREN addicted to this crap...and its LEGAL. In our country we have gone from an obesity rate of 17% to 37% just in the last ten or so years. Hmmm I wonder why? Maybe because the foods that are widely available is not REAL food!

I'm not perfect though. I don't think ANYONE can go all organic without paying out the butt and taking a lot of time out of the busy schedules. I just try to keep things as whole as I can. I try to stick to the outer areas of the store. What really makes me cringe is those tv dinners that I used to buy and eat all the time when I was pregnant. On the box it was called "Smart Choice" and I ate those ALL the time. I thought well it says "smart choice" and its only 200 calories! It must be healthy. If thats one thing that I hate about the food industry its that. Why do they try to confuse people into thinking they are eating healthy? There are a ton of people out there that just don't know any better!

And what bothers me is when people wonder why I don't just shove this crap down Jayda's throat. I mean she is very tiny and underweight so if I try to give her healthy foods people question it all the time like I am starving her or something. I just perfer to feed her eggs, fruit and yogurt for breakfast instead of coco puffs. Arrest me because I must be starving my kids.

One thing that drives me crazy is that people think the bigger the baby the healthier. Even if they are just stuffing them full of hot dogs and mac and cheese. Sorry your kid may be bigger than mine but it sure doesn't mean they are healthier. Now I'm not saying Jayda never has processed foods....I think any mom that doesn't ever give their kids processed foods are my hero because it is HARD and very time consuming. I have relaxed a lot since living with my inlaws but it scares me because I would let her eat whatever she wanted and then she never wanted to eat healthy foods. Sure she gained 10 oz in 2 months when we went into the doctor the other day...which is a lot for her age. In no way am I saying that she can't stand to gain weight but I just don't want her to gain it the bad way.

I find it way more important to feed my kids healthy foods and teach them to eat that way so that later when they make those choices on their own they want to eat healthy. Because eventually it will catch up to Jayda and I want the best for her. I know she's not starving, she's developmentally on track, happy and active....not starving by any means. So why stuff her full of crap just to please people around me? Does that make me paranoid? Heck no! I'm sad that more people aren't concerned!

The fact is is that all kids are different shapes and sizes. I know my sister baby was exclusively breastfed and was a GIANT! He was just a BIG boy! She is very healthy and had really petite girls and a ginormous boy. So I think genetics plays a huge role into how big your kids are going to be. It shouldn't be a competition on how high of a percentile your kid is in. I just think its dumb. I don't ask you how much you weigh or what size you wear so why should it matter how big my kid is? Maybe the next person that asks what percentile my kid is in I will ask them what percentile THEY are in! :)

Clomid Shmomid

So Sunday was the last day I had to take my pill. Boy am I glad that is over with! It was M.I.S.E.R.A.B.L.E! I was a HOT mess. People weren't kidding when they said Clomid made them become monsters!

-so emotional
-mood swings like none other and I felt like I couldn't control my anger at the stupidest things
-hot flashes at night
-craving crap food/carbs/soda...it was BAD (luckily my metabolism is SO much better now and I didn't gain anything).
-stomach aches
-cramping
-acne breakout

Luckily its over with but last night was miserable for some reason. I would wake up SO hot and couldn't cool down so much that I couldn't sleep. Finally would get to sleep and then wake up freezing cold. This crap better make me ovulate! I think it will!

My doctors appointment.....

So today I went in for my annual pap armed with a bunch of questions for my OB. I told him how the provera made me ovulate one time and that was it. He then asked me the same question he asked me back in January minus the provera option, "Well do you want to go on birth control pills or clomid?" I just laughed and said wait hold on a second. And then he re-phrased it as "Do you want to be pregnant or not want to be pregnant?" Of course pregnant. He said well at this point it looks like the main reason you are not pregnant is because you simply are not ovulating. It really is an easy fix.

It couldn't be that simple. There HAS to be a bigger reason to why my body is so freaking funky? According to him not really. He said that there are millions of reasons why some women don't ovulate and will always have trouble with ovulation. The main thing is to get them ovulating so that they can get pregnant. I mentioned my episode the other day of pain...long story short I felt like I was going to die and ended up throwing up and getting tons of blood when I went to the bathroom (TMI I know....I'm guessing those that read this blog have at this point dropped out due to a weak stomach so I think we're good). So I told him that I was suspicious of endometriosis. He said according to my symptoms I could possibly have it, but it wouldn't change his course of action. He said the two main ways to stop the progression of endo is either BCP or to get pregnant. I asked him about an HSG and he said that those tests usually are not covered by insurance and cost about $700 (I thought different I guess) and he didn't see any point to me getting that unless I didn't get pregnant on the clomid. If we got to that point then he would have me do the hsg and do a seman analysis on my husband. Fun times all around.

So then I asked him why I couldn't have the femara like we had talked about last time which basically is a conservative clomid. He said that I could do that if I wanted and pay the $130 for it each month versus the $9 a month it is for the clomid. He said if clomid doesn't work we can always switch to the femara. The main reason I wanted to go femara is because it has a lower chance of twin risk. BUT he said that he hasn't seen someone in awhile that was on clomid and ended up with twins. And he said that usually those that have the twin risk are those that are unhealthy, overweight, or later maternal age (38+). But since I am young, healthy, and thin I don't have the typical build for twins. So that made me feel better.

So we decided to start the clomid today since my cycles have been so wonky and I have been bleeding for about 9 days or so and he said since I didn't ovulate anyways its not like it really matters because its not a true period just breakthrough bleeding. Then on CD23 I am going in to get a blood draw to check my progesterone to see if I in fact ovulated. He gave me a list of things to do...one of which is to dtd every other day from CD10-18. I take the clomid from CD3-CD7 (I'm just counting today as CD3). He said I should ovulate earlier too since I usually ovulate way late. Oh and FYI he told me that tracking my BBT isn't very effective and usually tends to confuse you. He said the best way is to do blood draws on CD21-24 to see if I did ovulate plus that way I dont have to do the BBT and just get frustrated and confused. He said if I am not pregnant in 2 cycles on the clomid he will be very shocked. He said if I had just taken the clomid back in January I would probably already be pregnant but that he understood that I wanted to wait the year to just give my body a chance to do it on its own.

He did the PAP and said my ovaries were a good size. Shweet. Then knocked me down by saying "You will a be verrrrrrrry high risk pregnancy though so we will want to see if you get those twins." Shweet.

Oh and he is going to call the genetisist and have me meet with them since we found out that my cousins had the same birth defect as Jayda. He said theres obviously nothing you can do about prevention but it might be a good idea to go through all my family history. They are going to call them and then have them call me. Also good news he told me the mean old perinatologist that made me cry on the ultrasound table due to horrible bedside manner was fired so theres another dr there. Shwing batter!

Overall I feel pretty good and feel like hopefully this will make me pregnant! Just swallowed my clomid pill....we shall see!

Shoes Shoes Shoes!

As I have mentioned before Jayda loves shoes! So naturally when we went to vegas it was the perfect opportunity to feed into her (and mostly my) addiction for her! There was an awesome sale at Journey Kids and I had a hard time narrowing it down to just three. They all are still too big for her but she will grow into them! 

 

Her first pair of high heels!



These boots are ADORABLE!

She looked so adroable walking around in the high heels. They were a litle too big and she kept slipping on the floor but she loved them!

Vegas Weekend

For my b-day we decided to take an overnight trip to Vegas. It was such a blast! We headed down Saturday morning and got to Vegas around 10:30am or so. We decided to go to the Meadows Mall (which is where I used to shop as a kid) and shopped around for awhile. We got these ADORABLE shoes for Jayda (boots, high heels, and cute little DC shoes). I'll make a whole other post about that though. Then I got a few shirts and 3 purses. Chase got some jeans on sale at Hollister. After we were done shopping we met up with my Aunt Robin and my Aunt Annie for lunch at The Cheesecake Factory. I haven't seen Robin in YEARS so it was nice to catch up! I have SO much in common with that side of my family its not even funny.

At lunch at the Cheesecake Factory with my Aunt Robin and Aunt Annie

After that we met up with one of my best friends since like 5th grade Pam. We hung out for awhile and then decided to head over to the outlet mall. Borders was closing out and so we bought a bunch of books. I bought a potty book for Jayda (makes potty training look like fun for her....i dont think she gets it quite yet though. Then I bought a book about infertility, a book about diseases (it was SO interesting...thats the Adams side of the family coming out), and Jillian Micheals Mastering Your Matabolism.

After that Chase and I decided to go out for dinner and we went to a old Mexican Rest. that I used to go to all the time Macyos....yeah that was SO run down it wasnt even funny. We sat down, looked around, Chase had salsa on his menu and I had such a warped menu I couldn't even read it, so we just decided to get the heck out of there. We ended up at Outback on the strip. Much better option.

We then met up with Pam, her boyfriend Kenny,and Ilse and her husband at the Sugar Factory (Kim Kardashians store). We went into the Chocolate Lounge and had fondue and Pam got a chocolate martini thing (virgin) and Chase and Kenny got these shake things. It was actually really fun. After that we headed home and went to bed. It was SO late for us (we're old fogies).

The next morning Ilse made us breakfast before heading out. Then on our way home we stopped at my Grandma and Grandpa Barneys to say hi. That night we had a dinner for me and Chases grandma who shares the same b-day as me.

This morning I woke up to a text saying that Becky (my sister) had her baby last night at 11:30 (the exact same time 23 years ago that I was born). So overall it was a pretty swell day....except I went to bed last night with a head cold! No fun!

Our awesome Fonude at the Chocolate Lounge

Ilse dipping into the fondue

Everyone together at the Chocolate Lounge

The Funny Things of Jayda Bum

Jayda seriously is my hope. She keeps me going. Without her I don't know how I would function with not being able to get pregnant for so long. She keeps me laughing every single day. And she is growing up so fast (too fast). Here are some of the things she has been doing lately that I just simply don't want to forget.

She loves anything "pretincess"

Whenever Jayda knows she is in big trouble she will close her eyes so tight and pretend she is asleep. Sometimes she will even put her hands over her eyes. Without fail I always see that little eye creep its way in the cracks of her hands to see if she has been forgiven. Of course this makes me laugh because I just can't be mad at her when she is so darn cute!

Jayda is a gum chewer and will chew it like a big girl. When she is done with it she'll just hand it to me or go throw it in the trash. She's such a big help too and if I ask her to throw something away she'll go stick it in the trash. And then she comes back to me with the biggest grin on her face like she accomplished something so huge.

Shortly after Jayda turned 2 years old she finally had enough hair to put it into pigtails. She looks so cute with her pigtails but she constantly takes the rubberbands out so she looks like she just got electrocuted. So annoying especially when you are out and about and you can't find the rubberbands so it makes it look like I didn't care enough to do her hair and she looks like a little homely child....but just one of those things you have to laugh at.





This is what her hair looks like when she takes her hair out.

One thing my little girl did not get from me is her love for shoes. She is obsessed with them. Even if we aren't going anywhere she wants me to put her shoes on or even attempts to put them on herself. If I don't do it right then she just screams "SHOES, SHOES, SHOES!". The other day we went to the shoe store and she was flipping out because there were so many shoes. She was running everywhere saying "SHOES, SHOES, SHOES". She could not try them on fast enough. Then when we didn't buy them for her she flipped out! We saw the cutes toddler shoes that were high heels but unfortunately they were size 5 and she is a size 4. If she had fit into them we would have SO gotten them for her. So funny and cute.

We are currently living with my inlaws and she LOVES it. She loves playing with my sister-in-laws and my brother-in-law. She calls my mother-in-law "Mukah", Ciara is Ce-Ce, Cason is Casey, Caity is Key-Key, Chelsea is Delsy, and she just screams everytime my father-in-law tries to hold her. (haha poor guy) My mom and dad she calls "Gup, Gup". She loves having a ton to do and a bunch of people to play with (and of course all the attention she gets).

When Chase is at work and Jayda asks "wheres my daddy?" I say "Honey, he's at work" and she'll say "daddy's sleeping". So anytime he is gone she just thinks he's sleeping. She must think he is really lazy. :P

Jayda gives SO many kisses and hugs. Sometimes when we leave she will have to kiss every single person in the house before we go. Sometimes when we are leaving and she knows we are about to leave she will just give me a big hug and wrap her legs around my stomach and just grip so tight. She'll start bawling and right in the middle of it she will pucker up to get a kiss thinking that if she looks really cute we will stay with her. Heartbreaking but cute too.

She's talking so much more and I think that has a lot to do with living with so many other people. She's sleeping great except for the occasional nights when she'll wake up and go "miwlk? miwlk?" Chase gets so annoying since she shouldn't want formula anymore but for some reason she does love that stupid Elecare. Lately we've had to stand our ground though and just say no. What can I say I love my little girl and just want her happy so I'm usually the one to cave and give in. But she has been a lot better lately....its usually just when she is sick.

When she is tired we'll just ask her if she is ready for bed and she nods her head and says "uh-huh". Then she'll ask "binki" "ba-ba" (yes we give her a binki at bed back up off and no not a bottle anymore but a sippy...we're not that crazy haha).

Last week she wasn't feeling well and had a hard time going to sleep which is very wierd for her since she just zonks right out and so I went in and said "You not feeling well?" Her: "uh-huh". Me: Do you want some medicine" Her: "uh-huh medicine" So I went and got her some benedryl she took it gladly and after that I didn't hear a peep.

I love my little girl and although I spoil her so much (she dresses better than I do) she is my life. She makes me laugh (and perphaps cry) every single day. I love her to pieces though and couldn't imagine my life without her.

Jayda got into "mukah's" make-up.