I think I have finally bottomed out on my emotions. I have just been so stressed this last week and don't feel motivated to do anything. I was so frustrated because of my chart wasn't very clear and I couldn't figure out what was going on. It looked like I was late for my period but then now it looks like I didn't even ovulate, if I even ever did... until about CD26 or 27th which was a few days ago. I just feel so defeated and am over it. I'm not going to do any charting or temping anymore because its just too drainign when you expect one thing and get another.
I feel like my body is just telling me to stop. With my chemical pregnancy, micropreemie, and now my body not being able to normalize I'm just feeling like my body is just telling me that its not a good idea to be pregnant and carry a baby...because so far it looks like its not able to. I have been so depressed this last week not knowing what is going on with my body and its affecting my relationship with my daughter. During the day I'm just too depressed to even play with her and have been really touchy lately. She doesn't deserve that. I guess I should be glad that I even have one kid since some women don't even get that opportunity and what am I doing? Worrying about getting another one. Its just not fair to her or Chase for me to take it out on them by always being so touchy with my emotions that I just can't enjoy my time with her.
When I started blogging and being open to family and friends about my "infertility"... if you could call it that since I feel really guilty saying that when I follow blogs of women with *real* infertility....but I couldn't understand why people with infertility didn't talk about it and let others out there know of what they are going through. I think now I understand. Its funny when you are around or talk to women that are pregnant that know you want to be pregnant so bad. It's awquard to say the least. And not awquard because you feel sad that you want to be pregnant so bad but because the pregnant woman feels bad for being pregnant. So as a result those that are pregnant avoid you so as to not have awquard moments. I hate that because then it makes it more awquard when you do talk to them. Then they say sorry you aren't pregnant yet and then there is silence. It's kinda of one of those things that you feel bad if they don't talk to you but also would feel bad if all they did was talk to you. Its an all around weird situation. Other than that...blogging about my infertility I have no regrets.
But as for now I am done and just don't care anymore. Caring takes too much work and all that ever happens in the end is heartbreak. All I want is to get pregnant, have a full term baby....no NICU, no birth defects, and take her home when I do. Sigh.....oh well. Why press the issue right?
This weekend I went to my MIL's house for my BIL's birthday party. I was over there talking to a family friend who has 5 kids. After her first she couldn't get pregnant with her second for FIVE years. She did charting and temping and everything. She finally just gave up and figured whatever. After a few months she got pregnant on her own when her car got repossessed. Then she had no problems after that getting her other kids. So I guess Heavenly Father wasn't ready to send her kids down yet. So maybe thats whats going on here? Sigh....oh welllllll.