Thursday, April 12, 2012

"The Box"

Since my appointment on Monday I've felt like I've been in a daze. I felt so strong before. I felt like I had my box tucked away and could look at concieving in a matter of fact way. Since Monday I've found myself cracking that box open and can't help but look in. Then after I've opened it I can't help but sort through the contents.

I think we all need a good box cleanse every now and then. It gets rid of the crap. It's healthy for the soul.

"I'm pregnant."

Two words that I usually can take from others and put on a happy face. Not even a happy face. Truely happy. I can put my issues aside and talk pregnancy. Talk sickness. Talk doctors. Talk about birth plans. It's almost as if I have two seperate personalities. The one that can relate to pregnancy talk and the other that cringes at the thought.

I usually can put aside my heart hurting at the sight of another pregnancy announcement. Another ultrasound picture. Another gender announcement. Another little squishy newborn picture. Another infertility triumph. These last couple days I can't ignore my stomach dropping. My grip is slipping. It feels good to let go, but also scared to feel vulnerable.

I guess it's the shock.

Three months. Three months of waiting. Wondering which direction my life is going to go. I'm scared to let go of the idea of having my own baby and putting my whole heart in adoption.

I feel selfish for that.

Either way I know there is an end. One day this all will seem like a dream. We will never forget but the pain won't sting as bad.

There is a picture that hangs on our wall. It was Jayda when she was three weeks old. Hooked up to wires grasping my finger with her entire hand. Her vulnerable eyes. Set in the palm of her creators hands. A lot like now we didn't know which direction our life was going to go.

Today my almost three year old taught me a lesson. She said as she pointed to this picture,"Mama that was me as a baby. I was sad, but now I'm happy."

We'll get through this one way or the other. And hopefully one day I can look back and say, "You know what we hurt a lot. We suffered. We cried. We prayed. We begged. But look at our beautiful family that was too special to come the old fashioned way."

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