Monday, April 16, 2012

My Thoughts Assembled. Sorta.

One thing that has drove me crazy about some IF bloggers is the minute they get pregnant they forget who's reading their blog. They are so thrilled about their BFP that they forget there are several women out there that have never seen a BFP for years. Friends have come and gone. Left and forgotten. And they are still not in "the club". It's lonely and half your heart is happy and half of it is sad.

I get it.

You are happy but it seems to always happen on the wrong day. The day you finally feel strong enough to venture out you see another triumph. Another BFP. Another day you aren't pregnant.

Infertility is literally a battle. It feels like you're fighting a wall of barriers. Then the minute you get past that you find another barrier. Then another. Then another. It's exhausting. Mentally, spiritually, physically.

When you see another woman plow through her barrier and win the battle....(although the war is not won until you see that precious babe in your arms) you feel happy thats one less person fighting the battle, but makes you feel that much more alone. That much more defeated. That much more defected. That much more behind.

I'm not going to go through all the hoopla of what happened today.

What I will say is I have never felt so grateful in my entire life (besides of course Jader bug). The minute I found out I started sobbing. I ran down the street like a crazy person. Found a friend hugged and sobbed on her shoulder. Found another friend and sobbed on her shoulder. I felt like I won the Olympics.

But I felt like I cheated.

I think its easy to say that it's because we "stopped stressing." There are so many women that take breaks and this doesn't happen.

I distinctly remember the conversation I had at the end of my appointment with my doctor.

Dr. C: What if you're pregnant?!
Me: I'll cry. No, because then people will just tell me "see ALL you had to do was stop stressing". Yeah? I'm gonna pop ya in the mouth.
Dr. C.: Well ya know theres times when some of my patients will take a couple months off for things like surgery (pointing at me) and they come back with their positives. We can't explain it. Do we take credit for that? Did it happen because of the meds and they just needed to do it on their own? And although it could happen you still have a small chance of concieving on your own.

So although I think that doing it on my own helped I didn't stress any less (I really don't stress). In fact my doctor said on a scale of 1 to 10 of stressing I was a 3 and he said he gets 9 and 10s in his office all the time. I know that if I didn't go on those meds I would not be pregnant right now. I know that it helped regulate me and my body just wanted to do it on it's own without all the hormones. Or something. I can't explain it.

I feel like I'm in a dream. Floating on a cloud but scared that cloud is going to disepate and I'll be left slamming to the ground.

I couldn't sleep last night. I left the two tests I took by my pillow so I knew when I woke up I hadn't dreamt this like the millions of times I had.

And to all my IF blogger pals. I'm not going to say it'll happen in Gods time. That doesn't help the pain. I'm not going to say its because I took a break. Many of you are on breaks. I'm not going to say its because I was positive. Some of you women are some of the most positive, inspiring women I've "met".  I'm not going to say its because I did some crazy remedy. Stopped doing that a long time ago.

I will say no matter what happens. I'll never forget. I'll never complain. I'll never take one day of this pregnancy for granted. I look forward to the day I barf all day long. The day I look like a beached whale. Please God let me look like a beached whale! The day I get my p17 shot in the butt every week. Knowing each day is Gold.

I'm so scared.  I'll stick it in my box and hope to never have to come and sort through the what ifs. Or the what ifs turned into reality. But I know if I do you all will be there to help me through it.


  1. Ashley, I am so happy for you. I love that you look forward to the sickness and sacrificing your body for 9 months. You have been such an example to me, I never realized how selfish I am until I read your blog. And I still am, but my thoughts have slowing been changing, I hope when the time comes for me and Tyler to have kids I can have your selfless attitude. Congratulations missy I wish you and Chase and Jayda all the best in this new adventure.


    Love you girl, and I'm so happy for you & Chase. Jayda is going to be the best big sister :)