Dr. Appt update

So this morning I went in for my doctors appointment. Since I have been ovulating nicely the last 4 months and still nothing has happened we decided to do more testing. So as I suspected he wants to do the HSG to see whats going on in my uterus and my tubes. The shocker was that he said he was going to try to get it covered by insurance since he suspects that there is just a bunch of blood and gunk left over from my c-section so he's going to label it as such. That would be nice if it was because that would save me $600!!

He still wants me to continue taking the clomid to keep me ovulating but since clomid can make your lining thin making it impossible for implantation then changing the medication may be worth it. So if I am not pregnant this month then he is going to switch it to femara generic brand (which just came out btw and is only $25-35 and that does not affect your lining and doesn't have all the nasty side effects that clomid does) and then do a sperm analysis on my husband. We are waiting on that because we both think it is me that is the issue and insurance will not cover that and the test is $150.

So that is the plan.

I get my hsg done on monday and if I do have blockages that the dye doesn't flush out then I will need to do surgery to remove it. If my tubes are clear then he said its still worth it because essentially it clears the "plumbing" making your fertility increase for at least 3 months. He said if I don't get pregnant soon after then he doesn't think I'llever need to do IUIs or IVF because I've gotten pregnant so easy before so he'll just keep changing up my meds and hopefully one time we'll get it. We shall see!

So I'm not sure if this is good or bad luck but this little statue that my mom got me for Mothers Day when I was pregnant (just a couple weeks before I had Jayda) broke yesterday. I bumped into the tv and it just totally got knocked off. I wasn't sure whether to take it as a sign or as breaking a bad curse. So now this little statue is sitting on my tv with its head off. Hopefully its not a omen of things to come. :)

Jubilee of Trees

I cannot believe I overlooked doing this post. Sometimes I forget to really pay attention to the great things in my life and celebrate Jayda instead of coming on here to vent about my infertility. I had talked about Jayda being in the Jubilee of Trees but never made a post about it on here. It was on November 17-21 and Jayda was spotlighted as the baby of 2009 for the NICU. The Jubilee of Trees is pretty much a silent auction type of thing where people come pay lots of money for some really extrovagently decorated christmas trees. Different businesses and people will donate these trees and the proceeds usually go to a special cause. This year it was to help expand the NICU. It was super awesome and times like that make me really look back and see how much I am so lucky to have my little miracle baby. Here are some pics. We get the banner after they use it at the ribbon cutting of the NICU expansion! And yes its 6 ft tall!!

This was the NICU tree. Sorry its lopsided but I'm just too lazy to rotate it. Sorry. :D

My hubbys work tree. Candyland themed.

On to round 5 and more testing...

So I can't say I was suprised that this last cycle didn't work. I was expecting it because I've read that if you aren't pregnant after 3-4 cycles of clomid then its most likely not going to work (not sure if thats true but who knows). I was definatly preparing myself for this. In fact I had my clomid refilled almost a week before my period was due. Such trust in my body.

My dr wants me to continue to take the clomid and come in and talk about doing more testing which I'm sure means doing an HSG and a SA (sperm analysis). An HSG is where they shoot dye up your fallopian tubes to check for any blockages that may be obstructing the way for the egg to get to the uterus. The sucky part is that the test is not covered by health insurance and its $600! I think its hilarious (not really) that health insurance covers gastric bypasses and abortions but not infertility (as if its my choice). But thats a whole different post.

Sorry if this is TMI but this is an example of what the hsg looks for. I thought that was super interesting that they can do that. Sounds like a blast though to have dye shot up there. Can't wait......

I think the test will be worth it though because in thinking back about what is different from last time the only thing I can think of is scar tissue. I had a crappy emergency c-section and had issues with my incision where they had to re-open it and then pack it full of gauze. So who the heck knows whats going on down there now. But I think regardless its a good idea to do the test because I guess its supposed to increase your fertility since it clears the way for the egg. So why not give it a shot?

I just don't know what is going to happen if this doesn't work. Its not like we can afford fertility treatments. We are poor kids going to college, but does that mean we shouldn't be allowed to extend our family?

I'll update after my appointment. I just want to get this show on the road and try to be positive along the way.

Thanksgiving Festivities

For Thanksgiving we went to my mom and dads house. So it was my parents, Me, Chase, Jayda, Travis, and my Aunt Annie. My mom is an amazing cook and had such cute decorations. Later on that day we went and saw Breaking Dawn (again) and it was AMAZING! My favorite one by far. Here's some pics of our day. Unfortunately I don't have any of Jayda because she was down for a nap when we ate.

Then for Black Friday Chase and I went out early in the morning (Jayda stayed at Chase's parents house). Honestly, I was kinda of suprised that there weren't better deals. We went to Pennys a few days before Black Friday to see what kind of deals they had. On Friday I noticed some of the prices went UP. I was eyeing this cute cardigan and was going to buy it but thought I'd wait til Friday. It went up in price by $3! But we got some things and we are pretty much done with Christmas shopping. Yeah!

Progesterone

Progesterone levels:
August: 14.3
September: 18.9
October: 16.6
November: 23.4!

Holy crapola thats a good number! I wonder if its such a good number because I got it drawn right on CD21 when the others I've waited til 22-23ish days. Who knows. So although I'm excited to see it so high I'm not getting my hopes up. Ah well. I knew I plopped out those little eggies right on 11/11/11. Plus I started my clomid on Halloween and I'm due for AF on Black Friday! What a creepy month. :0)

Wierd Fashion Trends -Top 10

Ok since my last post was very doom and gloom I have to do a more fun one! Today in my class I noticed a girls shoe and it got me thinking about fashion trends I just have never understood. So I thought it would be funny to go through and list some of them.

1. Pointed shoes. You draw arrows not wear them.

2. Leg Warmers. We should have left those in the 80's.

3. Jesus Sandals. Seriously I would feel like a burly man wearing these.

4. Hippie Headbands. Maybe its because an Olsen twin is wearing it. Nahh probably not.

5. Big Furry Boots with Big Balls attached.

 Need I say more?








6. Forcing your baby to wear flower headbands that are bigger than their face.

7. Shorts with Leggings

8. Baggy shirts as a dress. Notice two of the pics so far are of an Olsen twin. Co-inc-idink? I think not.

9. Animal Beanies...disclaimer I think its ok for kids just not adults.

10. The Bump Hair Style thats a rat could live in.

That was fun.

Bitter

Bitter feelings. It's the worst. You don't want to hang onto something that just isn't worth it. It eats you up inside and a lot of times the person you are bitter against doesn't even know it or even care.

Easier said than done.

Going through a micropreemie you really see who your true friends are. You see the people that you know want to say something to you but they just don't know how to say it or say the wrong thing and know it. Infertility has kinda been the same but still pretty different. When I had Jayda there was no denying her as a baby. People couldn't really not mention her because after all she was still my baby and she was still in existence. But when you have infertility its like you have an invisible baby. It hurts like hell when the lack of the baby isn't acknowledged but sometimes you just aren't in the mood to go down that road. Its a catch 22 really and really there is no way to win. I'll say it though:

I hate preaching. I hate when people tell me not to stress, leave it to God, let it happen, it'll happen eventually. I hate when people tell me they know how I feel when you know they really don't. That doesn't help a bit.

Fact is it hurts like hell when you support someone through everything...all the happy times and hard times even when it hurts to support them. It just hurts so much when people act like it isn't a big deal or when they just flat out don't say a thing. It's almost like a loss. As bizarre as it sounds every month when I produce an egg and it doesn't work out its almost like a loss for me. Such a good egg gone to waste. Dead even though it was never alive.

It hurts so bad to see someone that you view as your best friend for years just completely shut you out when I have gone out of my way to support her. I traveled to see all her babies. Gone to baby showers. Called her to ask her about how her pregnancy was going even when I would cry as soon as I got off the phone. And when I needed her most all she has said is "I'm sorry." Me: "For what?" Her: "Well you know...your uterus problems. You'd be suprised how many people have....problems....with....their...uhhhh uterus. That sucks." And that was it. The phone calls stopped. The subject avoided. Never brought up again. That hurts more than anything. More than anything. And the funny thing is she is so self absorbed that she doesn't even realize it. It's like I'm not even worth the time.

Lucky I have some great freinds that have stuck by me and sadly most of them are ones that have been down this road. At least I have a happy place for when I am having a rough day. I can't imagine not having a place to vent during the rough days. Luckily I have the best hubby in the world that has been there for me through everything even when I'm on clomid and want to kick him in the gonads.

My new favorite recipe site!! www.wholefoodmommies.com

I want to try this recipe so bad! I just saw it on the morning news of all places. I went to the website called http://www.wholefoodmommies.com/ and its my new favorite website. I want to try so many things on there! Check it out!

Creamy Chocolate Pudding


2/3 cup of semi-sweet choc chips (look for a brand that is dairy-free like Guittard or Ghiradelli)
1/2 cup of Almond milk (I prefer the vanilla)
1 baked yam (after it's been cooled, peel removed)
1 avocado, peel and seed removed
2 TBS pure maple syrup, optional

Melt the chocolate chips and then combine all of the ingredients into a high-powered blender. Pulse until smooth. Pour into a prepared pie crust (I love the graham crust) or simply eat it by itself. Let it refrigerate for about 30 minutes to let it set up.

Then I saw another one just right below it that looks even better! I'm not a big Tofu fan so that is a little strange but I'd be willing to try it.
 
Chocolate Peanut Butter Pie


2/3 cup of semi-sweet choc chips (look for a brand that is dairy-free like Guittard or Ghiradelli)
1/2 cup of Almond milk (I prefer the vanilla)
1/2 cup peanut butter
12 oz Silken Tofu, drained
1 TBS vanilla
2 TBS pure maple syrup, optional

Melt the chocolate chips and then combine all of the ingredients into a high-powered blender. Pulse until smooth. Pour into a prepared pie crust (My kids love the mini graham crusts that come 6 to a package). Let it refrigerate for about 30 minutes to let it set up.

These are decadently rich, and no one would know they are made with TOFU!

11-11-11

Definatly a lucky date for us.

1. We moved out into our new place and couldn't love it more!
2. I ovulated so if we did in fact conceive (fat chance I'm sure) it will have been on 11-11-11. But man if we get pregnant this month then I will be due within days of when I was due with my miscarriage. Then if we get pregnant next month we will have the same due date we did with Jayda. Creepy. We concieved Jayda on our 1 year anniversary (12-15-08) so who knows maybe we just need a cool date to make a baby. :D Don't you just love how TMI I am.

By the way....moving while you are ovulating on clomid is b-r-u-t-a-l. I felt like my ovaries were going to burst into flames. I was cramping so bad I was bent over in pain. Then when I would lift up a box I felt like I was a chicken plopping out eggs. :o)

So now we are all moved in except we have to organize a few more things and hang things up. I'm so excited to decorate our house. I haven't decorated our own place for awhile and I'm excited to have all my stuff back in one spot. My inlaws were great and it was great to as my father in law said "catch your breath" but we definatly needed to be out on our own. Now I'm just exhausted and want to take a nap.

But man I love that its just us 3 now. Our own little family.

Yup, nothing like sagging Dora. Ohhhhh yeah.

So......drum roll please.....

....got my first EVER positive OPK test! I've never gotten a + ever even the month I got pregnant with Jayda. I just figured this cycle I would try it since what else did I have to lose and boobang. That means we got 12-48hrs to get on that crap.

And the real kicker.....

We're moving tomorrow. Awesome. But we're talented like that. Like Tim Gunn says "Make it work" and we will. It just seems like there is always something going on RIGHT on the day I ovulate. Last month we were driving home from Disneyland and now this month we're moving. Ugh. Whatever.

On a side note...Jayda is having a blast playing with all the boxes. She "set up camp" and brought her blanket and pillow and just sat in there watching her favorite show Team Umizoomi. Just <3 her.

Yes.... she is in that box. Silly Bum.

We got a hand. She kept putting her face up against it and gave Chase a kiss through it. Shes crazy.

Mommy and Daughter Cupcake Time

Today I was craving sweets so I decided to make cupcakes with Jayda. She had such a blast helping me make them and she felt like such a big girl. I love my little munchkin SO much!

Breaking the egg and seperating the egg whites

Miss J helping me stir

"dumping" the water in

And of course the best part of all. Licking the spoon.

"Cheeeeeese"

Eating the yummy cupcake

November--Just Another Cause

So in the past few days I have noticed my preemie mom friends posting facts and pictures of their babies in the NICU for November Preemie Awareness Month. This year I've decided not to do that since I felt like last year when I did I was kinda "preaching to the choir" a little bit...if that makes sense. I think after people hear you preach about a certain cause they tend to tune you out. Unfortunate, but its just human nature to be egocentric in that regard. I don't think its out of spite though. It's interesting in my Psych of Morality class to learn about empathy and how people are more empathetic when they could see themselves easily in that situation. For example, when I was pregnant there was this girl that worked right by me that was due a day before me. When I had Jayda she requested to be my friend on facebook. She commented on all my pictures and status updates. But when she had her baby she never commented on any of my things. She had her baby safely here so it wasn't applicable to her anymore. Again, not out of spite...we all do it. We all pity things but then turn around and say "welp glad it wasn't me".

Instead....this year I'm excited to be a part of the Jubilee of Trees for the NICU thats held on November 17-21. One of the NICU nurses messaged me on Facebook awhile back and asked if I wanted Jayda to be the representative baby for the year 2009. They are spotlighting a baby from every year since the beginning of the NICU (I think its 2003) to raise money for the NICU. Of course I said yes! So they wanted some pictures of Jayda now and so she got a photo shoot the other day at the hospital. There were some super cute pictures! They are going to show pictures of her in the NICU and then she is going to be on a 6ft banner of a current picture (she said I could have the banner when they are done with it! Yessss).

Yesterday she sent me an email asking me some questions about the NICU and I pretty much bawled the whole time writing out my answers. Whenever I think about the NICU I just get all teary eyed because there are some very sad memories but also some of the happiest I think I'll ever have. When I think of the staff there in the NICU I just get such an awesome feeling. Is it sick that I sometimes miss the NICU and just want to go back to just hang out like I used to minus the critically sick baby? It's such an amazing feeling being in the NICU, almost like you are sacred ground. So many miracles occuring everyday. Its something I never wished to be apart of (no one does) but now that I'm in the "club" I wouldn't change the experiences and people I've met for the world.

Micropreemie Sunbathing

Precious tiny feet.

I love this picture. Just enough to show the vulnerability but at the same time the strength of these little fighters.

It's amazing now to look down at my hand and see that her head didn't even fit completely in it. As you can tell my hospital bracelet was still on. I refused to take it off the entire 3 months Jayda was there. I had to get it replaced 2 times and it was hanging by a thread by the end but gosh dang it I was not taking that bracelet off without her home in my arms.

Yes that is Chase's wedding ring and finger. Such a precious little babe.