My relationship with God

This is something that I haven't talked about at all, not even to my husband. I guess this is more of just a vent than anything else so bear with me. I guess I am just having one of those "reflection on your life kind of days".

When I was about 15 years old or so I think my faith of God and my religion was the strongest. I just remember feeling so close to him that I could almost touch him and it made me so happy. I read my scriptures everyday and thought about religion a lot.

I can say the lowest point of my faith was when Jayda was born early. You'd think that most people's faith would be stronger in a situation like that, especially with how much of a miracle it truely was that she even made it at all. It makes no sense really but thats just how I felt. I knew it was a miracle but was just angry at God for letting that happen to someone that I already loved so much. When my water broke early and I was on bedrest I read my scriptures everyday. I guess I thought that if I prayed hard enough and long enough and did the things I was "supposed" to do then God would spare us of this horrific experience of delivering a micropreemie. When she was still born early I guess I just lost all my faith.

There I was watching my 1lb 9oz daughter struggle for every breath and being poked and prodded over and over again when she hadn't even had her eyes unfused yet. When parents would complain about taking their newborns into the NICU for jaundice or to get immunized I just laughed inside. If only they knew the true torment of seeing their baby in true pain and be able to do nothing about it but watch. Not for a few minutes, but all day everyday.

I reacted by shutting myself from the outside world. Even going outside felt wrong, it felt like I was abandoning my daughter. I even shut out my family and friends. It felt wrong to laugh or to be happy. How could I when I didn't know if my daughter would come home in a box or a carseat? I HATED when people said they would keep us in their prayers because I was just so angry at God. What did they know, they had full term healthy babies? But I was careful. I didn't outright deny him, because I knew he was there, I was just mad at Him and wanted to ignore Him. I was afraid that if I did outright deny Him he would take Jayda away for good and that scared me to death.

So the only way I coped was to throw myself into the science of it all. In my mind the machines were doing the job of keeping her alive. I went to every rounds and listened to every number. I knew more about medical terms than any mom should ever have to know. Talking to the nurses everyday was like therapy. Now THEY were my angels.

I tried going to church when we were in the NICU. I sat in the back away from everyone and felt completely out of place. I refused to take off my hospital braclet because moms didn't have to take it off until they had their baby home so why should I be any different? I kept my braclet on for 3 months straight. As I was sitting in church I kept my head down low. I didn't want to see any sympathy looks or hear "we are praying for you guys" one more time. I just wanted out of there. Then I looked up to see a lady that was due 2 weeks after me, waddle her way in. A lump grew in my throat and I couldn't breathe. I felt like my body would explode from heat and my eyes couldn't hold it back anymore and I burst into tears. I didn't go back for awhile until that lady wasn't pregnant anymore.

When we FINALLY made it home things got worse. Yes worse. I had really bad post partum depression and I didn't want to even be around Jayda. She had really bad colic and reflux. She wouldn't even eat 2 oz before she would projectile vomit everywhere. I just hated being left alone with her and felt so guilty that that was my life. My marriage was crumbling around me because I felt like a crazy person and acted like one. I just wasn't happy and I wanted my life to end. I was at the end of my rope and couldn't climb up anymore. Jayda was admitted to the hospital 3 more times after we were discharged and she got a feeding tube because she stopped eating. It was like a never ending nightmare. I was so anxious over every little thing and thought she was going to die if she didn't eat every 3 hours.

I was still mad at God and didn't think I would ever like him again. In fact I ignored him for a good while. Probably until Jayda was about a year old. I won't act like I have the best relationship with Him now because I don't but I am still working my way back up. I won't act like I am this perfect little Mormon who learned exactly what I needed to learn because its a process. I just used to be so bitter and had such a hard heart in regards to God. I just couldn't understand why, why he would chose us and think we were capable of going through such a mess because I sure as heck didn't feel strong enough to do it. I think Chase felt the same way because we never prayed anymore. We just didn't talk about Him.

The other day at church Jayda was climbing on a chair and fell behind the chair and bonked her head on the floor so hard. You know those cries when their mouth is wide open but nothing comes out? You know that is when they are really hurting. It broke my heart and anxiety started to flood over me again. Luckily one of our primary nurses from the NICU is in our ward and was out in the hall and calmed me down and told me she would live. :) Its then that I began to think that is how God must feel when his children are hurting. He must feel awful but knows that in order to feel happiness you need to feel sadness and suffering. The one thing I could relate to was in the scriptures when Jesus was being crucified and God couldn't handle watching because it was too hard and He left Jesus. I bet Jesus felt completely alone and couldn't understand why he would leave him especially at such a hard time. It wasn't because he didn't love him, its because it was too hard to watch, but he knew it had to happen.

I have felt that hunger lately to get that happiness back and to feel his spirit like I used to on a daily basis. We have taken steps toward that. Chase and I are trying to have family prayers everynight. We are getting rid of our cable and trying to be more productive with our time together. We have gone to the temple the last couple of months. We are trying to have faith to put trying to concieve in His hands, when the time is right. We are going to all of chuch instead of using Jayda as an excuse to leave early. I guess its true when they say having a micropreemie is like going through the grieving process. I finally feel like I am to that acceptance stage. I'm not perfect and have times when I fall again, but I guess I am just happy because I FINALLY have that desire back to really have full faith in God. And THAT makes me smile.

Who needs toys?

So one of the first words of advice I got from people was to not buy too many toys. Did I listen? No. And guess what....piles of them go untouched. Anything that isn't a toy gets played with.

So one of my preemie mom freinds gave me a ton of art project ideas so we thought we would put them to use! Thanks Becky!!

First we got a container and put a bunch of things that I bought from the dollar store. Some things we put it in were:
-A mickey mouse coloring book since she LOVES mickey mouse
-crayons
-strechy straws
-foam craft project/sticker
-some play dough (I was gonna make it but just ended up buying some)

You'd be surprised how well it kept her busy!

Then we did another container of little gift bows, tissue paper, ribbon, etc.
Another container I put some playing cards and UNO cards. She's been carrying them around all day. So cute! She even took a blue one and kept saying BUE! BUE! BUE!

-We got some magnetic letters for the fridge and put them to her level so she could play with them and its adorable. She even learned how to say pink!

-Then today we tried finger painting. My mom is a teacher so she got some butcher paper from school. She got red though and my paint was red and purple so you couldn't really see the paint on it. So it wasn't a big hit. My mom is going to get some yellow butcher paper and see if that helps.

-Becky had another great activity that was cheap and had minimal mess. All you do is get marshmellows, containers with food coloring, paint brushes, and I also gave her some cupcake paper holders to paint on. It was so much fun for her and she loved exploring with the water and color.

-At DI awhile ago we got this fort thing for like $6. She likes to take her toys and put them in her fort.

-So I did the whole pots and utencils idea too. She loved the different sounds.

Here are some pics of our adventures.

Spoke too soon!

Ok I am an idiot! I'll keep this short and simple to avoid embarassment haha! Ya know the day I called the dr and was bawling? Yeah I ovulated that day. Just confirmed it through my temps. But boy am I glad I was temping to know for sure otherwise I'm sure I would be super frustrated/depressed right now! If I hadn't been temping I wouldn't have known that I ovulated almost a week earlier than "normal". Guess thats why the rhythm method doesn't work eh? Bah haha.

Ok so I've calmed down....

Ok so I was a little emotional this morning...ok a lot emotional. I'm just so over it. So the dr's assistant called and said she talked to the dr and he said that the bleeding is probably normal and may even mean I am ovulating right now. But that I am cycling normally every 6-10weeks so unless I want to take birth control pills to regulate my cycle or take clomid then everything sounds ok. I just need to make that decision. But I don't want to do either of those...yet. I am just going to see if I ovulate this cycle and if I don't then I will look into getting the clomid but I really dont want to do that. Also one thing that REALLY ticks me off is when people tell me to relax and just let it happen. This is not about getting pregnant. This is about having normal cycles and I was not worried about it until after 6 months of this happening so it has nothing to do with stress. That is all that is frustrating me. And sure stress can affect things but I remember BAWLING the month I got pregnant because I thought I had missed my ovulation and I was shaking I was so mad. I ended up being pregnant. Then I had a m/c. That next month I was so nervous and so so sad and just wanted to be pregnant.....and I got pregnant. I saw this article posted about stress not affecting getting pregnant and thought it was interesting. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/when-youre-not-expecting/201103/the-stress-trying-get-pregnant. So for me stress didn't affect me getting pregnant at all.

Feeling defeated

So today hasn't been the best day. I'm so over having these issues with my body. So long story short I don't think I am ovulating again...I have some mid cycle spotting AGAIN. I have a feeling that there is something more going on but its so frustrating because I feel so stupid calling the dr every month. He's a great dr and very understanding but I just feel stupid going in when to the outside there seems to be nothing wrong with me. I got so frustrated that I called the drs assistant and talked to her. She acted like I was an idiot and told me that I was most likely ovulating right now since I have been spotting and its CD 13. I know I have not ovulated yet because my temps haven't risen and the pains I am experiencing are more than ovulation cramping. I tried to tell her my temps weren't rising and you could hear the "she's crazy" in her voice. haha or maybe I am crazy and she doesn't think that. Who flipping knows. I was trying to explain to her that this was happening before and Dr. C told me I probably was most likely not ovulating. So this was the trend before already not a sign of fertility like it can be for some women. She said she would talk to the dr and call me back. After I hung up the phone I immediately started bawling. I just hate having this problem. I just want to ovulate and not spot all the freaking time with no apparent reason. I hate having to call the dr to get more answers and feeling stupid in the process. I hate that some women can get pregnant without even trying, carry their babies to full term and be blissly ignornant about what miracles it is for other people. Ok well I don't hate them but I guess I just hate that I can't have that for myself. Selfish? Probably, but I still feel that way. Every time I hear another pregnancy announcement my stomach turns in pain and I just want to cry. Don't get me wrong I feel incrediably lucky to have my daughter although we went to hell and back to get her...I'm still lucky I have her when others dont even get that. I'm just beginning to think that carrying a baby just isn't in the cards for me and it makes me so sad. I feel like no one close to me can relate either. I just feel so alone.

California Trip- Day 5, 6 & 7

On Thursday we decided to head down to Chinatown in L.A. It was fun to go shopping in the little shops. We ended up buying Jayda 2 camomnas and 2 pairs of shoes. She wore one of them to church today and it was ADORABL:E! Then we went to find something to eat.....and that was a .....blast? I'm a VERY picky eater and I don't like to eat at "hole in the wall" types of places. If it looks dirty then I can't eat there. Mentally I just can't. I also don't like un-americanized types of foods. When you say Mexican food I think Cafe Rio. When you say Chinese food I think Panda Express...etc. I don't actually want to eat actual Mexican or Chinese food. Cafe Rio and Panda will do for me. I guess the biggest thing is I'm not a big meat eater and so it really gets into my head when I think of it being butchered in the back. With Chinatown everything looked very authentic as far as the food. When we walked in the restaurant there was a fried pigs head and a bunch of roasted ducks hanging in the window. I'm sorry but thats just gross and mentally makes me not want to eat there. I ended up going to a smoothie shop and getting a strawberry smoothie and eating off of everyone else's plates. I did have a few bites of orange chicken (trying not to think of the meat in the window) and of the sweet pork. I had mostly rice and veggies though. I know I am picky....its one of my weaknesses. But I did TRY it at least!

Then the next day we headed to the San Diego temple to do a session. It was gorgeous inside and out! It was probably the most beautiful temple I have been into. We ended up doing a session and sealings....which was a very neat experience. Then after that we headed down to the cafeteria and ate dinner.

Later that day we went to the beach and I got in about half way but it was super chilly so I didn't get all the way in. Later that night though we decided to go have dinner on the pier since it was so beautiful with the sun going down. It was a bit chilly but they had some warmers so it was fine. AGAIN I was faced with "new" food again but on this I would NOT budge. I DO NOT eat seafood. Discusting. Nothing. Not tuna. Not shrimp. Nothing. If it has swam, been in the ocean, or once had eyes (in the ocean or any body of water) I do not or will not eat it). Of course Blake and Jenn tried to get me to eat seafood. They first tried out slowly with calimaree (?) and then when they got their big bucket of seafood friends including like this entire crab...there was NO way I was eating that crap! If you literally have to crack the legs off of the animal you are eating....then pull the tendons out theres something wrong with that! Poor little crab! It was funny though them trying to get me to eat it. I would rather starve...that or I would eat it for money like for instance if I was on Survivor. I love Survivor and would totally eat it there but thats for a million dollars so I don't think that counts. That night was so fun though!

All in all the trip was a blast but I was glad to get back home to little Jayda bug. I missed her SO much! When we got home too it was so adorable she came outside to meet us and she had the hugest smile on her face. Then she was just looking at me and Chase like wow I can't believe its you guys! Then she gave me the biggest hug ever! It was adorable. It was a blast though to get away....just next time we'll bring Jayda and take her to Disneyland!

Me in Chinatown

eating at the chinese restuarant

Can't say I didn't try it!

THIS is what we saw as we walked in the door! So gross!

yes that is a roasted pigs head

The San Diego temple

All four of us in front of the temple after doing a session.

Our view from the pier! So beautiful!

Chase and I at the beach right outside out hotel at sunset.

All four of us at the rest. on the pier.

Blake taunting me with his nasty crab food.

Me and Jenn being goofy. Yes I do not have makeup on Eww.

Gross remains of Blake and Jenns dinner. Yes those are tendions of that poor animal. Gag. I'll stick with my tacos fritos that I got.

California Trip- Day 3 & 4

On Wednesday we went with Blake and Jenn to Knotts Berry Farm and it was such a blast! We ate at TGI Fridays for lunch which I had never been to before. Then we went back into the park and had some more fun. At lunch Jenn only ate chips and spinach dip appetizer and so after a bunch more rides after that she ended up getting sick and threw up a couple of times. At least we didn't leave til we threw up...how amuzement parks should be! :D We were pretty beat after Knotts Berry Farm and came home and just made dinner and chilled. It was a pretty exhausting day.

Then the next day we went down to the beach. Jenn and Blake were going to go surfing and Chase was going to go boogie boarding. I was orginally not going to get in the water but just eat my lunch on the beach just because it was so cold in the water but it looked like so much fun I ended up getting in....slowly with a lot of screeching but I did it! It was a lot of fun though! We all got sunburnt/tanned though from it all! I had never been boogie boarding so it was good to try something new! We then went to the hot tub. We were so used to the cold water in the ocean though that it hurt SO much to get in. We had to get used to it slowly.

Later that night we went bowling. We were all pretty exhausted though so we only played one game. Then we stopped at Coldstone to get some ice cream. I ate so much though that I felt sick! All in all though it was a pretty fun day! I definately slept good that night though!

waiting in line for Ghost Rider

Yes....we rode that.....right before Jenn....well just see below

Supreme Scream didn't sit well with Jenn....

This bird was bound and determined to get my lunch....of course I gave in and gave it some bread....I'm a softy.

Someone in our group surfing. Can't really tell which one. :D

Chase and I after we went boogie boarding.

I think I bowled a 97...almost 100. :)

California Trip- Day 1 & 2

For spring break we headed off to California with some of our friends Blake and Jenn. Chase met Blake on his mission although they were never actually companions. Then Natalie and Cameron (Chase's brother and his wife) met up with us there and stayed til Wednesday and met up with her family. We left Jayda with my mom for the first night and then with Chase's parents the rest of the week. I will never leave her that long again though. I missed her WAY too much! When we got there we just hung out and went on the beach to check things out. It was pretty chilly (at least for me being a desert rat) so we just walked the beach and checked it out. I found that I forgot my tennis shoes though and Jenn wanted some flip flops so we went to go to payless. About 2 hours later we got back to the hotel. Lets just say we took a lot of scenic routes. haha It was fun though. That next morning I ran on the beach for a morning run. It was so pretty and relaxing! Then all 6 of us headed to San Diego to go shopping. We actually went to the same exact shopping center we went on our honeymoon to. Then we headed off to Old Town San Diego and walked around.

Here's some pics:

This is the sign we saw that was posted right outside our hotel...kinda creepy especially in light of what has happened recently in Japan.

Hanging out at the beach

Chase and Blake playing on a big board of chess that was at the mall we went to.

Chase and I at Old Town San Diego

This was the first church of a different faith I have ever been in. It was such an odd feeling.

One of the stores in Old Town had a bunch of old surf boards hanging up.

Ovulating

Ovulation. When you read up on it it sounds so simple but really its not. I have followed a lot of blogs of women with fertility issues and though it may be simple for some its difficult for many. Its sad that some people who have kids don't even know what ovulation is. I remember talking to the ultrasound tech when I was pregnant and he was telling me horror stories of women who have no idea about what their body was doing. He said one lady pointed to the screen and asked "Is that a baby?". He answered "No, thats your uterus." She then asked, "Whats a uterus?" Oh to be blissfully ignorant!

Recently I went and picked up the book "Taking Charge of Your Fertilty" and have learned so much about my body and what goes on every month. It's actually quite amazing that if you pay attention your body really does tell you exactly what is going on. I think its actually quite liberating.

When I was trying to concieve Jayda I used "an ovulation calculator". I thought that was "taking charge". Luckily I didn't have to chart or anything to get pregnant. This time is a bit different. Although I feel SO much healthier and fit (and am) my body just didn't want to cooperate. Last month I decided after being in denial for about 6 months that I was annovulatory (not ovulating) I decided to go into the Dr and see what was going on. We decided the best thing to do was to put me on provera to jump start my cycle. I started charting my BBT (basal body temperature) which is your waking temperature. Before you ovulate your temps usually are lower and then after ovulation they spike up. Then if you are pregnant your temperatures stay elevated and if you're not they start to go down. You can actually know you aren't pregnant before you actually get your period which I find way awesome. Who needs to spend a million dollars on pregnancy tests when you can buy an $8 BBT and get answers thats way. It seems simple enough. Then you observe you cervical fluid along with that to help paint the bigger picture. Some women feel very queasy about this but I find it fascinating that your body *usually* knows what to do.

It's amazing this month I have taken my temps and it has painted the whole picture and DRUMROLL I FINALLY OVULATED!!! The provera worked and *hopefully* this means I am normal again. Unfortunately I don't think this was our month since my temps are dropping (but I had strep after I ovulated so it could just be normalizing since I had a fever/low grade fevers for a few days but I have a feeling Aunt Flow is on her way).But thats ok since I AM NORMAL AGAIN! Here is what my chart looks like this month. I am so proud. Haha

http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/329404

30 DBC-finishing up PHEW

day 25- what I would find in your bag-
I'll just list what I have since its right here
1. my wallet
2. gum
3. throat losanges (got over strep throat this week)
4. 5 pens (???)
5. 2 highlighters
6. A pack of fruit snacks (gotta always be prepared for J since she LOVES them and its keeps her busy for a few min.)
7. hand sanitizer (of course.... yet we still get every freakin virus and bacterial infection known to man)
8. car keys
9. hand lotion
10. water bottle


day 26- what do you think about your friends
I'm sad that since a lot of our friends have had kids we don't get to go out as much as we used to when it was just couples. That makes me sad but also lucky since I have a lot of family that is willing to watch Jayda so we can go out with our friends that don't have kids. So I really feel lucky about that. I wish I got together with them more often but life is crazy with nap schedules, eating schedules, school, studying, keeping the house clean, etc.

day 27- why are you doing this 30 day challenge
I feel like all I do is complain when I am blogging or talking about Jayda. So I figured it would be a good opportunity for my followers to get to know ME.

day 28- a picture of you from last year and now, how have you changed since then?

So I have changed a lot since this first picture. First off, I have to say I don't have a lot of pictures of me during this time because I HATED my body. I felt so fat and it wasn't because of the baby (I was that weight before I had Jayda). I didn't take care of my body and ate like crap. I was always like 110-115lbs but after I got married I wasn't as active and really put on the poundage. I really cringe when I see these pictures. I am about 5'3" and was almost 150lbs. UGH I hated feeling like that. I wanted to eat healthy but to be honest I didn't really know what healthy meant. I used to buy those "healthy choice" tv dinners in hopes of losing weight because it had the name "healthy" in it and there was low calories in it. It wasn't until I watched the documentary "Food Inc" that I really begun to understand what eating healthy meant. I decided to change my life. Start eating unprocessed foods (I splurge here and there I will admit) and started excercising frequently not just 15 min 3 times a week if that. I ran a half marathon and since that time in '09 beginning of '10 I have lost over 30lbs and still losing (thank you strep throat). I am now about 118lbs! It's taken hard work but thats how its supposed to happen. Chase has also lost a lot of poundage and looks fantastic (I think about 30 or so pounds). Now I'm not afriad to take pictures even though I don't have any recent ones since about December and have lost about 5lbs since then!



This was from November of 2009 so a little over a year since I didn't have many pics from this time.




This was on NYD 2011. 30lbs less.



This was awhile back but this is about what I look like minus about 10lbs probably. Chase is asleep right now and I will update with a pic of me now so he can take it. Although I probably won't put makeup on haha

day 29- in this past month, what have you learned
I've learned a lot about the brain and about anxiety, mood, and personality disorders from my Psychology classes. I now am on a diagnosing spree and have had some A-ha moments with people from my past. So THATS why that person/ old roommate/ old boss was that way! haha

day 30- your favorite song

"Better Days" by Goo Goo Dolls
and
"What it Means to be Loved by You" by Mark Shultz