Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Feeling defeated
So today hasn't been the best day. I'm so over having these issues with my body. So long story short I don't think I am ovulating again...I have some mid cycle spotting AGAIN. I have a feeling that there is something more going on but its so frustrating because I feel so stupid calling the dr every month. He's a great dr and very understanding but I just feel stupid going in when to the outside there seems to be nothing wrong with me. I got so frustrated that I called the drs assistant and talked to her. She acted like I was an idiot and told me that I was most likely ovulating right now since I have been spotting and its CD 13. I know I have not ovulated yet because my temps haven't risen and the pains I am experiencing are more than ovulation cramping. I tried to tell her my temps weren't rising and you could hear the "she's crazy" in her voice. haha or maybe I am crazy and she doesn't think that. Who flipping knows. I was trying to explain to her that this was happening before and Dr. C told me I probably was most likely not ovulating. So this was the trend before already not a sign of fertility like it can be for some women. She said she would talk to the dr and call me back. After I hung up the phone I immediately started bawling. I just hate having this problem. I just want to ovulate and not spot all the freaking time with no apparent reason. I hate having to call the dr to get more answers and feeling stupid in the process. I hate that some women can get pregnant without even trying, carry their babies to full term and be blissly ignornant about what miracles it is for other people. Ok well I don't hate them but I guess I just hate that I can't have that for myself. Selfish? Probably, but I still feel that way. Every time I hear another pregnancy announcement my stomach turns in pain and I just want to cry. Don't get me wrong I feel incrediably lucky to have my daughter although we went to hell and back to get her...I'm still lucky I have her when others dont even get that. I'm just beginning to think that carrying a baby just isn't in the cards for me and it makes me so sad. I feel like no one close to me can relate either. I just feel so alone.
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I'm so sorry Ashley! It is so frustrating calling the doctor and getting that response, when I had my miscarriage the nurses and assistants were all very hostile with me when I'd call with questions.. and here I was grieving and they were just mean! So I feel your pain with dealing with assistants who aren't being nice.
ReplyDeleteYour body is probably trying to ovulate, that's why you're spotting. Some months my body will show signs of ovulation with no temp raise, then a few days later I'll have those same signs and my temp finally rises, so I just assume the first one was my body trying to ovulate but didn't complete it. Hopefully you will ovulate soon. ((HUGS))
I'm so sorry. I have those days too, where I feel like my body hates me and won't cooperate. I feel like every pregnant woman and mother is like a flashing light blinding me as I go about my day. I hate it and am so jealous I can't have that. I hate that I can't get pregnant easily and that I don't ovulate. I too feel alone most days and the only thing that helps is to vent online or BBC.
ReplyDeletePlease know you are not alone, and what you are feeling is normal=) It isn't fair and it doesn't get any easier. Hopefully your Dr. will call you back and have some good advice for you. I wish you all the best=)