I didn't spend this Memorial Day in pre-term labor....

THIS year at least. Two years ago on Memorial Day (May 26th) my water broke when I was 24wks 6days. The previous night I went to bed feeling kind of sick but thought I just needed to sleep. That morning around 2:30am I woke up to some cramping and went to the bathroom thinking maybe I just had to pee. Plus she was moving around like crazy so I knew she was ok. I went back to bed but at 5:30am woke up again to worse cramping. Again I went to the bathroom but this time there was blood. I went into the room immediately, turned the light on, told Chase to get out of bed ASAP because we were going to L&D, got my jacket and my shoes and we were out the door. I was so frantic and knew something was not right especially since I was in a lot of pain. Luckily we lived like 5 mintues away from the hospital (although Chase started to go the one that was 2 min or so away thinking it was the right one but it wasn't). I had no idea where L&D was so we showed up at the oncology entrance. I got out of the car and the entrance was locked...now I have no idea why I even got out of the car...I was so frantic. Then Chase said it was around the corner...so what did I do? I started RUNNING to the other entrance...up stairs, the whole 9 yards. Idiot.

I show up and tell them I need to see someone ASAP because I was bleeding and having pains. They asked how far along I was and I said I am 25 weeks (why not round up right? Later on they kept saying she's only 24+ 6....I wanted to slap the nurse....give me 25 weeks gosh dang it!). They immediately had me take a pee sample and switch into a gown. Then they hooked me up to the monitors. Heartbeat strong. Thank Gosh! But I was contracting every few mintues. They took a test to see if my water had broke and it came out positive immediately. The nurse's face when she confirmed it told me the whole story. But how was it positive? I hadn't felt my water break...although now I look back and am kicking myself in the butt considering I had leaking the few days before. I even called my sister asking if my water was breaking and she told me I was probably just peeing myself. So I ignored it. Idiot.

So they call my doctor and we had to wait for him to come. He came as fast as he could but those minutes were agonizing! He showed up about 15 min or so later and immediatly checked to see if I was dialated. I wasn't. Thank Gosh! But I was 50% effaced. Not good. So they decided to start me on a medicine to stop my contractions (I forget which one it was) and Nubang (that I remember since it made me feel like I was on a cloud and took all the pain away). My doctor is LDS so we asked him to give me a priesthood blessing with my husband. I felt such peace and I knew everything was going to be ok. Chase on the other hand was bawling. I had never seen him or any man cry like that except for in movies. He thought she was going to die. I knew she wasn't going to die...yet...at least not that day.

So kind of a side note but I can't forget to put this in. That weekend was memorial day weekend and some friends invited us to go camping with them. I had a bad feeling about it and told Chase that if I went into preterm labor I would be totally screwed. He just rolled his eyes and said I was being paranoid. I just had this feeling in my heart that I needed to stay home. I'm SO glad I listened to that feeling. Now I know it was the Holy Ghost telling me to stay put! I'm so glad I listened because who knows what would have happened had I not.
You know how I said I never felt my water break? Well my uterus showed me. She always does. Soon after, I felt a gush...not a HUGE gush but still a gush and sure enough it was fluid. That made me shake with fear and all I could do was cry, but I had to be strong. I knew that it could still be ok. I had recently watched an episode of some baby show where this girl was admitted with preterm labor and they were able to stop it. She ended up going past 40weeks and they had to INDUCE her. haha kinda ironic doncha think? So why couldn't I be the same? Now I know they just never show anything but success stories on tv...

After they stabalized me they said that I was going to stay in the hospital until I had the baby. And if miraculously I didn't have her in the next few weeks and actually made it to 34weeks they would induce me to avoid complications. Oh how I longed for those extra weeks. Soon after I got settled into my room they told me I was getting a high risk dr (Dr. Chaulmers) instead of my regular OB (Dr. Cain). I love both drs still. They were so lovely and caring and have such great bedside manner! It definatly made my time on bedrest so much better and  more calm.

That day they brought in an ultrasound and she was measuring at 23weeks and 3days and was about 1lb 9oz give or take. WHAT? I was 25 weeks how am I that small? It's within the normal range. Yadda Yadda. Whatever. I had bigger problems to worry about. In the ultrasound they detected something that my routine ultrasound at 17weeks (I knew I shouldn't have had it that early!) didn't detect. She had a double bubble which they explained could be (key phrase being could be) a birth defect called duodenal atresia (an intestinal blockage) and it had a high correlation with Down Syndrome...a 1 in 3 chance. They later had me go to a geneticist in MFM and the lady was such a biatch and wanted me to have an amnio to see for sure if she did have Down's (ughhh hello I've been in preterm labor) and that it was too late to terminate. Ugh thanks but no thanks. Wouldn't have terminated anyways. Annoying. I tried not to focus on the fact that she could be DS because I would love her no matter what. Plus Dr. Chalmers was so great and told me not to google anything and not worry about anything right now except for baking my little girl. I took his advice and am I glad I did because I googled duodenal atresia later after she was born and found some scary stuff. Turns out she didn't have duodenal atresia but a jejunal web (lower down in the intestines and not an atresia since the 2 ends of the intestines were still attached, it just had a weblike blockage) and it isn't associated at all with DS. I would've worried myself sick for nothing.

I lasted 12 days on hospital bedrest. I was thankful for every one of those days and I'm sure it either 1. saved my daughter's life or 2. saved her from more complications and possibilities of lifelong disabilities. I will share the rest of the events leading up to Jayda's birth for another post next week when she turns two! Crazy!

Memorial Day will never be the same though and I will always remember it as the day my water broke. That and on the one year "anniversary" one of my friends gave birth to her full term stillborn Sophi. I think about my friend and her baby a lot but will always think about her on Memorial Day (although of course it was on a different day every year).

This year Memorial Day was awesome! We took Jayda and Chase's sister Caity and her boyfriend Taylor to Zions and went hiking. It was a blast! We didn't so much do hiking as much as Jayda played in the stream and we climbed rocks and explored or as much "exploring" as a two year old can do. She for some reason hates water (go figure she hated it inutero as well haha) and she just clings on for dear life when she comes near a body of water. She finally got used to it but still didn't fully appreciate it. :D Here are some pics of us up at Zions!

I love her pose. haha It's like an old lady pose or something haha

You can see the terror in her eyes.

She needed some cuddles from her daddy after being in the scary water.

I love this picture of her!

Caity and her boyfriend Taylor. We kinda like him. :D

Life is Changing...

....ok from the title it sounds like I'm going through menopause. haha not quite....

So I haven't really blogged about difficulties my husband and I are having in regards to his job. So about 3-4 months ago he got the news that his branch was closing down (he is an Assistant Manager over at State Bank of Southern Utah) so everyone was pretty much going to lose their jobs (except Ember of course since she is prego and has the FLMA laws to protect her....lucky dog hehe). So its been a stressful few months trying to figure everything out. He's applied everywhere and has heard nothing back. It's hard all around. Three people are going to lose their jobs and none of them have found anything. Chase deals with really bad anxiety anyways so it didn't help matters much. I was able to use some of my therapies on him that I've learned in some of my classes (hehe go psychology!) and I think that along with a prescription of SSRI's he's done much better. I'm really trying to work on getting him to release and tell me whats going on because he has a tendency to hold things in and then wait til its too much to take and just BURSTS.....thats not healthy at all and I think it's a huge contribution to why he is so anxious all the time. He's been doing better though with it but its a daily struggle.

So there's still that cloud of doubt hanging around saying .....hmmm are you gonna have a job when all of this is said and done? Part of me thinks that is why we aren't pregnant yet...because it really is just a bad time. I will admit that. The time sucks so maybe Heavenly Father does know what he is doing after all. :) We never want to admit that of course and I guess this is why I haven't talked about it before now because I just knew it wasn't right. Wierdly (is that even a word?) I have felt so much peace this month and really haven't been having a hard time seeing pregnant people anymore. In fact I offered to throw one of my best friends a baby shower and didn't feel wierd about it at all! Maybe thats just because I love her and she's so unselfish and cares deeply what others are feeling and rarely thinks about herself! :D

But anyways... so one day we got really lucky. So I went to my IL's house the other day to use their printer to print off some stuff for Jayda's invitations but their printer was broken so we went down the street to some family friends and used theirs. Chase was talking to Glen (the dad) since he used to work for him before we got married and asked how his business was going. He said that it was pretty slow but that he had a big job coming up. Chase kinda jokingly said he would help him and then Glen said ok...sure. We were like really?? Because he did get paid really good with that job before. So it turns out he only needs him for this big job coming up that would only last a month but he would be getting paid double (maybe even more) what he makes in a month now. Sooo that would give us a little leeway for him to find something else and Glen said he could work for him part time so at least its something! Plus he gets to cash out his 401K from State Bank. So really we are still ok...its just kinda of nerve wracking with the not knowing. Plus we are moving in with Chase's parents just for a couple months (at the end of June) so that we can save some money. That way we will be completely out of credit card debt! We didn't have too much left but it will be nice to be fully cleared from it!

And of course it was a pleasure to turn in Chase's two week notice just to stick it in their faces! What jerks! They pretty much told Chase and the others that they would find spots for them a couple months back but they just had to work out the numbers but it looked like they all were ok. So pretty much what they have been doing is telling them what they want to hear so that they all don't quit and leave them hanging since the branch doesn't close down until the end of June. Pretty much covering their own backs while leaving those working there (with families to support) hanging. Luckily we saw it for what it was worth and hitailed it out of there ASAP.

The only problem with getting this other job is that we won't have health insurance until he finds another job. That really scares me since I believe everyone should ALWAYS have health insurance. Jayda will still be covered under medicaid until the end of June when we need to reapply (which I'm positive that we will qualify again). And to pay for just health insurance without a job is like $500-1200 a freaking month! WITH a $10,000 out of pocket. Crazy! BUT we are going to look into me getting on my parent's insurance just until Chase finds a job because if I don't remember correctly you can still be on your parent's health insurance until you turn 26 regardless of whether you are a dependent or not (thank you Obama hehe). The sad part though is that adoption is most likely out for the time being because one of the qualifications is that you have to be able to provide health insurance for the new child which at the moment we can't really do. But I had to wait anyways til I'm "officially" deemed inferitle. So its not like it will add too much time. I think we are going to still go to the adoption orientation though and still gather some information. This really makes me want to push through and get school done even more though so that I can go out and get a "real" job and Chase can be a stay at home dad....haha that should be funny! He would LOVE that!

I just have a feeling everything will work out the way its supposed to. It's kind of exciting having all these changes happening but scary at the same time! Either way I know it will all work out! :) Plus I can't wait to move away from these idiots upstairs that are so freaking loud and it sounds like they beat their kids up upstairs.....not really but the way one of their kids screams it makes it sound like he is being burned alive.... not cool.

Poor baby!

In all the excitment with the appt being made and everything my poor little girl is so sick! Her sad eyes just make me want to cry and make it all better! She has been laying on the couch all morning long and feel asleep to her favorite show "Toy Story". I just love this little girl so much!

Adoption Orientation!!

I'm so excited! I called LDSFS today and got an appointment set to go to their Adoption Orientation on June 8th at 6-8pm! They will go over all the information and at the end if we are still interested and qualify for services then we will go ahead and proceed to fill out the necessary paperwork! I can't believe that we are really doing this! I'm so excited and hope it all works out! Wish us luck! I'm trying not to get too excited! But its hard! :)

Neat Poem I found

So I was looking at cards for a friend and found this card with this poem on it. I thought it was such a neat poem and wanted to "write" it down so I have it.

We want to believe
the world is understandable.
That life is fair.
That things make sense.
We want to believe
that if we're careful enough,
work hard enough,
try hard enough,
we and those we love
will be safe from anything bad.
It's one of the biggest questions
humans wrestle with-
why things sometimes aren't fair.
But even though we don't always have
a neat answer to why things happen,
we do have each other...
and we have our faith.
Just a simple kind of faith
that somehow, someday,
suffering will end,
good will be rewarded,
love will endure,
pain will be forgotten,
light will scatter darkness,
and our spirits will go on.

-Catherine Slater

Adoption

So in the last few weeks Chase and I have really discussed this. Now, now.... I know it sounds like we are jumping the gun and I'm sure you are rolling your eyes thinking this girl is dramatic. It's not about getting pregnant. I know I will someday but we have ALWAYS wanted to adopt. I know the challenges are still hard and there are a lot of set-backs like with infertility, but we have always wanted to and planned on doing it when our 2nd was a year old but maybe this is the best time to do it. Who knows...maybe this is God's way of saying this is the best time. And frankly I'm not sure how much more heartbreak I can take with my mean old uterus. I'm thinking I'll stop going at war with her and put my matches down for the moment. No uterus burning anytime soon. But I have my eye on you uterus. I know that its a lot of dead ends and heartbreak with adoption but at least I know my body wouldn't almost kill my next baby. I'm not sure I want to find out what other mean things she can do to my unborn children. Pregnancy is scary and I just hated every minute of it. Not because of the normal reasons....just because I am always scared of what could happen to the baby.

We are now in the information gathering process and quite frankly its overwhelming. I have no idea where to go first, am hearing so much different information, stories, etc. I want to check out LDS family services but we checked out their website and it said that you have to have an infertility assessment by your dr in order to qualify for services.... I'm not sure if my dr would go for that considering he probably even thinks I am being dramatic. So I just don't know where to turn because we don't have a lot of funds and I know LDSFS is great with poor folks like us. Chase and I plan on going in soon to just see what we should do first. We would love to take a newborn home but we even have talked about adopting even a young toddler. Oh so many life altering decisions....but I just feel so great about adoption and just want to get the ball rolling since I know it will probably be A LONG time before we're able to bring a child home with us. If anyone has any stories or information about different agencies please feel free to share.

Oh and for those curious.... No AF. Neg EPT. CD40. Yipee.

AF where are you????

So as I mentioned in an earlier post I *thought* I was due last Friday or Saturday. Well that came and went and nothing. That should excite normal people right? That FOR sure means they are pregnant. Nahhh not for me. That only means one thing.....didn't ovulate when I thought I did. I took a test yesterday and it was negative of course. On mother's day I remember cramping really bad. At the time I thought hmm maybe implantation cramping? But now I'm thinking thats when I actually ovulated. So that would make me due this next Friday or Saturday....if I even ever flippin ovulated at all. So I'm on CD36. Oh joy.

Yesterday after I got my negative test Chase sent me a text asking "soo?" .....freaking SO what? What do you think? haha Oh yeah by the way...its positive...not. Then he just texted back "I'm sorry". When I picked him up we talked about it again and we just had to laugh and joke. I just said "I hate my effing body" and "Just when you think you may have figured it all out your body just laughs and says muahahhaha I'm gonna screw with her head this month. Sounds like a blast." Chase then quoted Little Rascals and said "And then God says I HATE you Alfalfa".

Things that make me happy

So I know that a lot of my readers may always think I'm depressed and sad but I'm not always. I think most people think that because when I am I blog about it so thats all they read about me. But I am a very happy soul... trust me! Blogging is my escape and will always listen to me no matter what...it has to muahaha. So I hope I don't come off as this sad, mean-spirited, jealous person, because thats not what I intended. SO I'm gonna tell you the things that make me happy!

Glamour Girls Jewelry!! Today I went to the Cotton Days in Washington and they had a booth set up where you could buy 6 necklaces for $20!!! Crazy! So I off course bought $60 worth of stuff! My husband spoils me! But I'm going to use some of those as gifts for friends/family on their b-days....so if you are reading this and you recieve necklaces as your present know that it was SUPER hard for me to give those up! It's hard not to keep them all for yourself! And I am obsessed with jewelry!! Here's all the stuff I got for $60!!! They also have a trailor set up in Washinton at all times so if anyone reading this is interested let me know and I'll give you their number! They have a huge selection of not only necklaces but earrings, braclets, and rings!

Not too shabby for $60

Running/Working out...I go to the gym or work out at home pretty much everyday (somedays I cheat though and sit on my butt) and I LOVE it! It's so true when they say you get addicted. Literally, we learned about how it gets addicting in one of my psych classes. Your brain creates certain endorphins that act as neurotransmitters when you run/workout and after awhile your body gets used to a certain amount of it. If you suddenly stop then your body wants more because it has stopped producing it on its own since you are creating it when you work out. This is why if you've ever run a marathon or any other races and when you stop training to take a break you get vicious headaches. That's also why they call it "runner's high". You get these same endorphins when you are in love or cough cough have an orgasm ;).... I thought it was interesting though. Anyways, I am going to start up my marathon training again and plan on running the half marathon in November again as long as my uterus is being mean I'll be nice to my brain and give it plenty of endorphins....so uterus no endorphins for you! : )

Jader Bug and my wonderful husband- Jayda is a little daddy's girl (depending on the day but mostly she loves being with him). When he is gone at work she will ask throughout the day "daddy home?" And I'll say no honey I'm sorry he's at work and her bottom lip will just quiver like I just took candy away from her. It's so precious though. My favorite is when she heads over to the cabinent and points and says "cooookie,cooookie?" And when I don't give it to her she puts her hands in air to her sides and says "alllll gone" and runs off and plays. She's too cute! And my husband....he's so awesome and spoils me SO much and never complains about it! I feel so lucky to have him!

My preemie mama friends (aka family)- I met these super great girls on babycenter.com right after I had Jayda. A lot of them went through the same things I did with dealing with a preemie and all of the challenges that came along with that. I have grown so close to them over the last 2 years and they know me better than some of my "in real life" friends know me. I consider a lot of them like family. Now I don't go on BBC as much because we all have transferred over to facebook and have a "secret" group on there that only we can see each other on. I'm so lucky I have had these group of girls when friends and family from real life just can't understand the emotions and logisitics behind having a preemie. Even through this journey of having difficulties concieving a few of them can relate having gone through years of infertility. They are my rocks of support because they understand both sides of it (thanks Brook and Lisa!! Muah!)

The sun- A lot of people complain about the hot weather in St. George. I LOVE when its 100degrees+. Bring on the sunshine!! Cannot wait til it just hits me in the face! I'm such a desert rat!

The lake/boating- Chase's parents have a boat that we take out to the lake every year and I cannot wait to go this year since the last 2 years I haven't been able to go. I'm craving it SO bad! The tubing, waking boarding, and knee boarding.....um HECK yes!

Uncooked tortilla's from Costco- addicted to them...I wonder if they have endorphins in them too? Because I'd DEF rather eat those than have sex. haha...just sayin...

Turkey Bacon and hard boiled eggs- I could eat these two things on a salad everyday for the rest of my life. Yummy!!!

Why I blog..

So the first reason I decided to blog was to update everyone on Jayda when she was in the hospital although I didn't use blogger but used caringbridge which is pretty much a blog for those in hospital care or with an illness of some kind. Just a way to keep in touch with those going through the same things and to update families. It was really hard emotionally and physically getting a million phone calls a day asking how Jayda was doing. So in order to close myself off to the world as much as I could I signed up for caringbridge. Somehow almost 2 years later I find myself in the same predicament. I don't regret blogging about my troubles conceiving and although this blog was orginally created as a scrapbook of sorts for my family it has become a huge refuge from a lot of grief and pain. I feel like I can vent it out and I know as well as anyone what stress can do to your body. This is like my release. May that put some people off? Do I complain a lot? Sure. That's your burden to carry when you click the follow button : )

I think Kacee that commented on my last post said it best. I just keep it real. That was the best compliment ever! I think that every person should share their imperfections or their struggles regardless of the situation the person is in. I find the more honest a person is in blogging the more barriers are let down. I find that infertility, preematurity, and miscarriages/stillbirths are often not talked about. Swept under the rub. Have we gotten better since "back in the day?"...sure but I think we got a long way to go. The one thing I admire in a blogger is pure honesty whether its ugly or not. That is something I try to think about when blogging. These feelings are real. 1 in 8 people have infertilty. 1 in 8 women have a preemie. 1 in 4 women will have a m/c at some point of their lives. That's a lot of women! Why can't we as women share these feelings with each other and lift each other up? Why should it be such a secret?

This morning I logged into blogger and saw a post of one of the many fertility journey blogs I stalk. This lady went though her first IVF cycle and it failed. She didn't even have to go get her first beta because her AF came early. I just wanted to shake the universe and scream why?! Although I may not have nearly as hard of a journey as some of my fellow bloggers I still have those hard days and days where I want to trade my uterus in for a Duggar one. Heck I'll take Michelle's even if its already fallen out of her. Anna's would be preferable....oh WAIT she is currently using hers....maybe Jill? Would she help a sista out?

I admit today I have had SUCH an awesome day! My husband is rock solid! He took me to lunch at cafe rio with our awesome daughter. Then he dropped me off to get a pedicure and a one hour full body massage. HEAVEN! Although let me vere off track for a sec...don't you hate when you fill out paperwork somewhere and it ask's pregnant- No Yes....when you are due for your period the next day and could possibly be pregnant how the heck do you respond? There are no maybe's. I hate that. After the massage it was followed by Spoon Me only 85 calorie frozen yogurt. Cha ching. Followed by my husband cleaning the house to a tee. Went to the gym and ran 4 miles in 35 min. Then came home and took a nice long bath and watched me some old survivor all stars since I was having a Boston Rob craving and have NEVER watched HIS season. I didn't know til recently that you can watch old survivor episodes on youtube but in incriments! Cha ching!

And the awesome part is I had ZERO desire to take a pregnancy test today. Oh btw to those that commented I have given up on expensive tests long ago. I didn't know that the dollar tree tests test positive when hcg levels are at 25....I bought a lot of clearblues for much more than $1 in my lifetime and they also only test at 25. Dang test companies. Slap 5 days sooner on the box and wacky ttcers come running from all directions....yes that was me. Anyways I have two of them under my bathroom sink and haven't even thought wanted to take one. I'm sure miss AF will show her head tomorrow though. Always a pleasure...BARF.

Today sucked...

There it is...it just sucked. I woke up this morning feeling exhausted...I hate mornings like that. But I had to motivate myself and got dressed and went to the gym. Usually after I work out I feel energized and ready to take on the day. Today wasn't that day. You know those days that you just want to sit and eat a bunch of crap? That was me today. I don't know if I am just PMSing or what since my period is due on Thursday or Friday but I just felt so low. I logged into facebook today to find someone ELSE was pregnant. I think everyone is pregnant but me. Wah wah right? Well if you don't like my complaining then you can stop reading my posts because this is therapy for me so you can just hit the road.....jack... :) I know I'm such a lovely person to be around today, aren't I?

I'm thinking about taking a break from it all. From BBC and deactivating my account on facebook. It's all just a lot for me right now and I think that it would help my relationship with my husband more. I seem to either A. be on the computer or B. depressed about seeing another person drop to the disease I want so badly. So I think that might help. I think Zuckerburg created facebook to slowly ruin my life. That and make unfertile people feel like crap.

I hate to say it but today it was one of those days that I couldn't help but disect every symptom. One minute I think "for sure I am pregnant" and then the next I'm like "there's no way I am". I wanted to keep myself busy by doing things but I was just so gosh dang tired! And then its like torture. I've decided I am going to wait til my AF is late though before I test because I am SO sick of seeing negatives and finding any possible light in the house that could show any "possible" line thats just a figment of my imagination. Those test companies REALLY had me going there for awhile....they know how crazy one can get and they LOVE it.

Luckily tomorrow my husband has the day off so I'm going to get my one hour massage and my pedicure!! Yeah! Hopefully that will take the edge off!

Mother's Day weekend/Biggest Loser

So this weekend has been awesome! We had quite the eventful one! On Friday we had my graduation (and my mother-in-law and my sister-in-law's boyfriend Taylor graduated and actually walked). I didn't walk because it was just my associates and decided I will just walk in the spring when I graduate with my bachelor's. I went to the commencement though and saw President Monsen speak! It was pretty cool and I love his demeanor. Then after the graduation we went and dropped Jayda off at my parent's house for a sleepover so that Chase and I could go out for Mother's Day. My mommy and daddy got us an Olive Garden gift card so we went there and then went and saw Limitless (awesome movie).

On Saturday, I took my madre out for Mother's Day. I took her to Twenty Fifth and Main (love LOVE it) and then we went to the Ivin's fitness expo and saw a bunch of the past biggest loser contestants. I loved talking to them! I saw Sara (pink team from this season), Adam (blue team from season 9), Sione (blue team from Season 7), Stephanie (purple team from last season) and Sam (grey team from last season that is engaged to Stephanie), and Stephanie's mom Patti (purple team from last season). I talked to Sara for awhile and knew that she had infertility problems from watching the show and got more in depth with her. Turns out she has had 3 miscarriages with one of those being eptopic. She is going to do IVF soon probably after she is done with the show (she's lost 100lbs!!!). She's also LDS so it was nice to be able to relate on both levels. She was really sweet and I met her husband and her new little puppy! Then I talked to Adam for a little bit and he told me about his mom that died of diabete's (he looks FANTASTIC still). Next, I talked to Sione and I have already met him a few times but he was telling me his take on who he thinks will be there next year as far as trainers. He said Bob will be there but Cara and Brett may not be...definately depends. It will be interesting to see. Then I talked to Patti for awhile and she was a pleasure to talk to. I talked to her about my weight loss and what I did to break bad habits and how she had to break hers as well. She was a very sweet lady! And then I talked to Stephanie and Sam!! They are planning on getting married in April of next year! Sam is HOTT as always! It was a blast though! So far I have met Erik, Michael, Suzy, Sione, Filipe, Jim, Sean, Stephanie, Sam, Matt, Patti, Adam, and Sara. I must be Biggest Loser #1 fan! :D

After that I took my mommy to see Source Code (fantastic movie btw!). I love my mom so much and she is a great grandma to Jayda!

Then I met up with Chase and Jayda to go see Ashley Bowden's husband Austin run the Ironman (swim 2.3 miles, bike 116 miles, and THEN run a whole marathon)...He is my hero!! Unfortunately Jayda was hot and ready to go so we just barely missed him but DANG props to him!

After that we went to Charlotte's (Chase's cousin) graduation get together. She graduated from SUU with her criminal justice degree and plans on going to Law school. Awesome! We swam there for a bit and then headed to Texas Roadhouse for dinner with Chase's parents and Dave and Andrea (while Ciara watched Jayda at our house). Then after that we came home and played Nertz with Caity and her boyfriend Taylor.

Today Chase and Jayda had breakfast for me when I woke up and had a card. He got me a free massage from Massage Envy and a free pedicure (i feel bad for whoever has to do my feet muahahha). Then we went to church! Overall, its been a great weekend and have had a fantastic mother's day! Here are some pics of our adventures!

Sam, me, and his fiance that he met on the show Stephanie

me and Sara

me and Adam (such a sweetheart)

me and Sione (the fool didn't remember me haha)

Patty and I

Jayda and Chase waiting at the Ironman to see Austin

Ashley getting ready for Austin to come along

Jayda HATES swimming and clung to daddy for dear life

Cason, Chase, and Jayda....she started to warm up to the idea

So many hugs for her daddy. She's such a daddy's girl.

Gene, Elna, Karen, and Jayda Bug

Easter

So during my rant about my uterus I forgot to update about Easter. We didn't do a whole lot this year. But we went over to both grandma's and hung out that weekend. We did an easter egg hunt in Grandma Blake's backyard. Here are some pics of that....

Continuation of uterus woes...

Well it seems my emotions have caught up to me. I have been doing SO good this month focusing on other things like school (yeah took my last final today....and then starting school in a week again for summer semester!!) and working out. This cycle I decided not to track my ovulation at all and really it has been SO nice and so less stressful. Some women think its less stressful to track it and thats awesome...but I'm just not one of those people I guess.

Yesterday, I finally bottommed out on being strong and keeping it in. Another one of my preemie mom friends announced her pregnancy (theres got to be like 15 of them pregnant or just having babies). Don't get me wrong I am SUPER happy for all of them but it just reminds me at how "wierd" I must be. These are all moms that had issues with their pregnancies....and yet are pregnant again no problems and worrying about what they can do to keep the pregnancy going. They all lean on each other for support, announce big milestones, share ultrasound pics and news, and I'm still wondering if I even ovulated this cycle. I guess I just feel left out a little and that sucks. Oh and don't you fret there is a whole surge of TTCers coming this summer and I'm sure this won't be the last of my pity party days. So beware.

I was proud of myself all cycle for focusing on school and work just for that to go down the crapper. I didn't cry or anything just felt like my heart was gonna rip in half. That's all. It's amazing how you can tell yourself you don't care and maybe even convince people around you that you don't care and you are "just letting it happen" (cringe at those words) but its not true.

Every month after I ovulate I feel like a crazy person. In the shower, when I'm going potty, when I am working out, I always go through two scenarios. I look at the date that I could possibly miss my period. I try to look at it and see what the date would mean to me...how it would throw everyone off at how perfect the timing would be. Then I think of my first dr's appt and how I would say yup I'm finally pregnant and how excited I would be. Then there is the other scenario where nothing happens and we are back to CD1. It's usually the latter of the two.

I told my husband yesterday how I was feeling and let's just say if you don't have a uterus and ovaries that don't want to produce a baby you just don't understand the emotions that come along with it. You get jealous. You get so touchy and this then translates to your husband as hormonal issues and then tells you "your pregnant, your pregnant"...No I'm like this because I'm NOT pregnant. You hate hearing pregnancy announcements. And although you know that every time you log onto facebook you're probably going to get a big fat pregnant pee stick right in your face, yet I still log on a billion times a day.....DAMN you ZUCKERBURG!!!! Isn't it the best when you see one of your FB friends that you never talk to just had a baby and you missed their entire pregnancy!? Its happened like 5 times. Then I am in shock saying, wait what the hell??? Where did that come from? And then I am relieved that I didn't have to see all their statuses about how uncomfy they are and natural ways....or unnatural ways of putting themselves into labor. Barf.

It's like a slap in the face....twice. Once because I never got past 26 weeks so anyone that complains about their 3rd trimester I just want to slap. Then another time because I am that one that can't get pregnant and would love to be miserable.

It's kinda interesting though. It took us 3 months to get pregnant...had a m/c and then got pregnant the very next month. 50% aint too shabby. I used to be one of *those* that used their fertileness as a gauge of much of a WOMAN I was. I love how I used to say well I can get pregnant really easy I just can't STAY pregnant. I guess I should change that phrasing now into "my uterus hates me and I hate her". It's a mutual feeling and once I get a couple more babies out of her she is burning in a bonfire out in the desert. Mark my words uterus. Mark my words.