Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Why I blog..

So the first reason I decided to blog was to update everyone on Jayda when she was in the hospital although I didn't use blogger but used caringbridge which is pretty much a blog for those in hospital care or with an illness of some kind. Just a way to keep in touch with those going through the same things and to update families. It was really hard emotionally and physically getting a million phone calls a day asking how Jayda was doing. So in order to close myself off to the world as much as I could I signed up for caringbridge. Somehow almost 2 years later I find myself in the same predicament. I don't regret blogging about my troubles conceiving and although this blog was orginally created as a scrapbook of sorts for my family it has become a huge refuge from a lot of grief and pain. I feel like I can vent it out and I know as well as anyone what stress can do to your body. This is like my release. May that put some people off? Do I complain a lot? Sure. That's your burden to carry when you click the follow button : )

I think Kacee that commented on my last post said it best. I just keep it real. That was the best compliment ever! I think that every person should share their imperfections or their struggles regardless of the situation the person is in. I find the more honest a person is in blogging the more barriers are let down. I find that infertility, preematurity, and miscarriages/stillbirths are often not talked about. Swept under the rub. Have we gotten better since "back in the day?"...sure but I think we got a long way to go. The one thing I admire in a blogger is pure honesty whether its ugly or not. That is something I try to think about when blogging. These feelings are real. 1 in 8 people have infertilty. 1 in 8 women have a preemie. 1 in 4 women will have a m/c at some point of their lives. That's a lot of women! Why can't we as women share these feelings with each other and lift each other up? Why should it be such a secret?

This morning I logged into blogger and saw a post of one of the many fertility journey blogs I stalk. This lady went though her first IVF cycle and it failed. She didn't even have to go get her first beta because her AF came early. I just wanted to shake the universe and scream why?! Although I may not have nearly as hard of a journey as some of my fellow bloggers I still have those hard days and days where I want to trade my uterus in for a Duggar one. Heck I'll take Michelle's even if its already fallen out of her. Anna's would be preferable....oh WAIT she is currently using hers....maybe Jill? Would she help a sista out?

I admit today I have had SUCH an awesome day! My husband is rock solid! He took me to lunch at cafe rio with our awesome daughter. Then he dropped me off to get a pedicure and a one hour full body massage. HEAVEN! Although let me vere off track for a sec...don't you hate when you fill out paperwork somewhere and it ask's pregnant- No Yes....when you are due for your period the next day and could possibly be pregnant how the heck do you respond? There are no maybe's. I hate that. After the massage it was followed by Spoon Me only 85 calorie frozen yogurt. Cha ching. Followed by my husband cleaning the house to a tee. Went to the gym and ran 4 miles in 35 min. Then came home and took a nice long bath and watched me some old survivor all stars since I was having a Boston Rob craving and have NEVER watched HIS season. I didn't know til recently that you can watch old survivor episodes on youtube but in incriments! Cha ching!

And the awesome part is I had ZERO desire to take a pregnancy test today. Oh btw to those that commented I have given up on expensive tests long ago. I didn't know that the dollar tree tests test positive when hcg levels are at 25....I bought a lot of clearblues for much more than $1 in my lifetime and they also only test at 25. Dang test companies. Slap 5 days sooner on the box and wacky ttcers come running from all directions....yes that was me. Anyways I have two of them under my bathroom sink and haven't even thought wanted to take one. I'm sure miss AF will show her head tomorrow though. Always a pleasure...BARF.

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