Well it seems my emotions have caught up to me. I have been doing SO good this month focusing on other things like school (yeah took my last final today....and then starting school in a week again for summer semester!!) and working out. This cycle I decided not to track my ovulation at all and really it has been SO nice and so less stressful. Some women think its less stressful to track it and thats awesome...but I'm just not one of those people I guess.
Yesterday, I finally bottommed out on being strong and keeping it in. Another one of my preemie mom friends announced her pregnancy (theres got to be like 15 of them pregnant or just having babies). Don't get me wrong I am SUPER happy for all of them but it just reminds me at how "wierd" I must be. These are all moms that had issues with their pregnancies....and yet are pregnant again no problems and worrying about what they can do to keep the pregnancy going. They all lean on each other for support, announce big milestones, share ultrasound pics and news, and I'm still wondering if I even ovulated this cycle. I guess I just feel left out a little and that sucks. Oh and don't you fret there is a whole surge of TTCers coming this summer and I'm sure this won't be the last of my pity party days. So beware.
I was proud of myself all cycle for focusing on school and work just for that to go down the crapper. I didn't cry or anything just felt like my heart was gonna rip in half. That's all. It's amazing how you can tell yourself you don't care and maybe even convince people around you that you don't care and you are "just letting it happen" (cringe at those words) but its not true.
Every month after I ovulate I feel like a crazy person. In the shower, when I'm going potty, when I am working out, I always go through two scenarios. I look at the date that I could possibly miss my period. I try to look at it and see what the date would mean to me...how it would throw everyone off at how perfect the timing would be. Then I think of my first dr's appt and how I would say yup I'm finally pregnant and how excited I would be. Then there is the other scenario where nothing happens and we are back to CD1. It's usually the latter of the two.
I told my husband yesterday how I was feeling and let's just say if you don't have a uterus and ovaries that don't want to produce a baby you just don't understand the emotions that come along with it. You get jealous. You get so touchy and this then translates to your husband as hormonal issues and then tells you "your pregnant, your pregnant"...No I'm like this because I'm NOT pregnant. You hate hearing pregnancy announcements. And although you know that every time you log onto facebook you're probably going to get a big fat pregnant pee stick right in your face, yet I still log on a billion times a day.....DAMN you ZUCKERBURG!!!! Isn't it the best when you see one of your FB friends that you never talk to just had a baby and you missed their entire pregnancy!? Its happened like 5 times. Then I am in shock saying, wait what the hell??? Where did that come from? And then I am relieved that I didn't have to see all their statuses about how uncomfy they are and natural ways....or unnatural ways of putting themselves into labor. Barf.
It's like a slap in the face....twice. Once because I never got past 26 weeks so anyone that complains about their 3rd trimester I just want to slap. Then another time because I am that one that can't get pregnant and would love to be miserable.
It's kinda interesting though. It took us 3 months to get pregnant...had a m/c and then got pregnant the very next month. 50% aint too shabby. I used to be one of *those* that used their fertileness as a gauge of much of a WOMAN I was. I love how I used to say well I can get pregnant really easy I just can't STAY pregnant. I guess I should change that phrasing now into "my uterus hates me and I hate her". It's a mutual feeling and once I get a couple more babies out of her she is burning in a bonfire out in the desert. Mark my words uterus. Mark my words.