Sunday, January 22, 2012

Acceptance or Numb. One of the two.

 Acceptance or Numb. One of the two. All I know is that when AF showed up yesterday I wasn't bummed. Wasn't in a bad mood. I just went along with my day.

I didn't test a million times (or at all) to tilt a million different ways or find every light in the house to shine it under hoping for the smallest line. I didn't do the 2 week wait boob soreness check every hour (got a lot less wierd looks that way). I didn't analyze my progesterone symptoms to see if they were fading as "she" was approaching. I didn't have insomnia because I was worried about whether AF was actually coming or not. I didn't have vivid dreams that I was actually seeing two solid lines or giving birth to a beautiful full term baby...or hell any baby at this point. I didn't worry if exercise would hurt the "non-existant" baby. I didn't even know what CD I was on. I just didn't. And damn it felt good. 

So much for "not stressing". What good that did.

To quote one of my favorite psychiatrist's Bruce Perry about a study they did on learned helplessness in rats sort of explains how I think this is. In the study there are two different groups of rats. One group of rats presses a lever to obtain food. When they get the food they are shocked which of course is stressful for the rat, but it's in the their control and they know when it is going to happen. In the other group of rats they can press the same lever to recieve food but instead they are shocked when the first group of rats press the lever. So they have no control over the situation nor do they know when they will recieve the shock. This rat becomes sensitized to the stress, not habituated to it. Over time they see that this group of rats don't even seem to feel the shock although of course it is still unpleasant.

I guess I feel the same as the second group of rats. I have been shocked too many times to count. I'm becoming numb to the shock but knowing it's there still doesn't suck any less.

One thing my therapist said the last time we met with him is to be someone that is a positive influence in other people's lives and if you entered the room someone would feel your presence. Not hear your presence but feel it. I've really tried to do that lately. I've removed the negativity out of my life and replaced it with positivity. I've gone out of my way to be more social and have congratulated people and geniunely have meant it. And that feels good. All at once the jealousy is gone and it's replaced by joy.

I've also let go of trying to "sell" my infertility to other people. Infertility isn't like cancer. If a person tells you they have cancer you don't tell them to "stop stressing and it will go away". That would be insensitive. But people just can't fathom how getting pregnant would be that hard since its so easy for them. So it must be something YOU are doing wrong especially when you have concieved easily before like me. But I've let go of worrying about that. Ignorance is bliss and worrying about what "X,Y,Z" said shouldn't ruin my day and I'm not letting it anymore. 

I've become ten times closer to my daughter and have enjoyed and soaked up every minute with her. I just feel like I missed out on her first year due to her challenges with eating which in turn caused me to be a hellicopter mom. You know those moms that hover and worry about every.little.thing. Yeah that was me and it was stressful to the max. I still worry about her and still have traumatizing thoughts that she is dead if she takes a long nap or going to break into the bathroom and drown in the tub but I'm trying to push those thoughts out of my mind because I want to just let her enjoy herself and not be that kind of mom. We laugh, we sing together. She is my best friend and a miracle at that. I know I have such a blessing that a lot of "mom's" (some of the best mom's I know are without children) would love to just have one. For that I feel truely grateful.

How can you not smile at this? We're starting potty training and Jayda insists on carrying ALL her panties everywhere she goes. When she first walked in and saw her princess and minnie mouse panties she said, "WOW! Thanks!" Love my little girl.


  1. (((hugs))) I wish there was something I could say or do to take away the pain. I know there's not. I'm thinking and praying for you still. You are doing great.

  2. Thanks Lisa! You give me hope! :) one day I know this will be just another bad memory.