24 week appointment

So after my last post on Sunday about getting tons of braxton hicks I continued to get them all day long. It freaked me out so bad that I called the on call dr to see if I needed to head into L&D or not. He told me that as long as I didn't have more than 10 in an hour (thought it was 4 but apparantly not) and had a change in discharge to not go in (that lets you know that your cervix is changing). But he said lets keep an eye on it and if it continues then check it out. He also wanted me to come in on Tuesday (today) instead of Friday.

That night I could not sleep at all because I was getting tons of contractions and I felt tons of pressure down there. I seriously thought she was gonna push out or something. I didnt go to sleep until about 2:30-3 after I finally caved and took a tylenol pm. Mostly just to calm my nerves and get me to sleep.

Its become incredibly hard to get to sleep at night, mainly because of hip pain (not complaining though!). So I went to the store and just got a bunch of pillows to stuff wherever to support my belly, hips, and back. Last night I slept a lot better and didn't have one contraction (that I could feel). I also haven't had any during the day which is good.

I've decided to completely give up soda and I think even my one a day addiction was still dehydrating me a ton. It's hard...it truly is an addiction to me. I pretty much grew up on diet coke, but for my baby I'll do anything. These headaches arent fun though but worth it!

Todays appointment could not have gone any better! First she measured spot on and SO much bigger than Jayda. She was 1lb 6oz at 23 weeks 5days! Jayda was born at 26 and 5 and weighed 1lb 9oz....she did get down to 1lb 6 oz though. So really I've seen a baby as tiny as whats in my stomach right now. Kinda creepy! But it definetely makes me feel better about this pregnancy and that my body is doing what it should this time around. Something really was up in there with Jayda. She was just too tiny for her gestation.

Then my cervix measured a 4.00!!!! Thats amazing! I was not expecting that at all! So apparantly those contractions didn't make a dent on anything. Phew! She's also head down so that would explain all that pressure down there.

The doctor I saw was Dr. Ott who is different from who I usually see Dr. Chalmers so that was kinda a bummer but it was good for him to know me just in case he's on when I need him. He wants me to come back in 2 weeks to get checked again and it wont be Chalmers again (bummer). Have no idea why 2 weeks but I'm guessing since I delivered her at 26 he wants to see me around then. Then I'm guessing I'll be going in at 28 weeks for my rhogam shot and my glucose test. Thats one thing I love about being high risk (if anything) is I get to see my baby allllll the time! I have so many ultrasounds I can literally see her transform in front of my eyes.

And to top it off. Chase stuck Jayda on the scale and she has gained SO much in a month! She went from 20lbs 9 oz at the GI to 23lbs 2oz! Holy crap! We thought she looked like a chunk but didn't expect that! Those antibotics, Culturelle, and pediasure sure has helped apparantly! We're still planning on taking her to the endocronologist on the 6th though just to get a second opinion.

All around its been a great day!

Braxton Hicks

Ughhhhhhhh! The day I turned 23 weeks I woke up in the morning to the feeling that I was laying on a rock. I knew that feeling well, I got them a ton with Jayda. Instead of being excited like with her because I was actually having BH (which were TOTALLY normal, right?!) its terrified me. I didn't worry about it too much though because it was just one. Then the next morning same story. So I decided I was going to drink a million gallons of water that day. Next morning, no contractions!

I guess I forgot to drink as much water and last night I woke up with a few BH again and then more this morning. It freaked me out so much but I thought ok I didn't drink much water yesterday. Now keep in mind not enough water for me is not the normal amount of water to others. Anyone that knows me knows that I carry a water bottle everywhere I go. I ran cross country in high school and our practices were after school....in Las Vegas. So if I didn't drink tons of water throughout the day I was just miserable during practice. Ever since then my body needs a lot more water or something but I get dehydrated so fast. Eight glasses of water a day doesn't even begin to cut it for me.

Anyways, it seems that once I get up and moving they go away, but you bet your bottom dollar I'm gonna be watching it like a hawk today. I'm not even messing with that this time around! I just can't wait to get to 24 weeks. So close yet so far! Friday is my next appointment and I can't wait to see what my cervix is doing down there.

I just want to yell to my uterus, "Calm down down there, you're getting a c-section. You don't need to "practice".

And while I'm at it I'll tell my hips the same thing! Fall back troops! You'll be of no use!

Preschool

On Monday it really set in that my little bug isn't a little baby anymore. She started preschool and couldn't have been more ready. She has been talking about going to preschool for months and finally the day had come!

When we took her she was so excited to see her teacher "Miss Melissa" and to make "lotsa lotsa friends".

She was so excited to go in when we set her down she ran to the door. We had to stop her and say no we need a picture first. She stopped and just sat there and stared towards the door. Finally she turned around and gave this fake cheesy smile and then wanted to leave again. We told her we didnt get it and to give us a thumbs up. She did this and then booked it to the door yelling, "Miss Melissa, Miss Melissa!". All the other kids were terrified to go inside and were clinging to their moms legs. Jayda was like PEACE and didn't even look back. Little social butterfly.

 

When we went to pick her up she was the first kid to run out (of course) and was so excited to see us. She had made a little name tag that went around her neck. Then the minute we got her into the car she was hysterically crying. She wanted her sippy cup but we hadnt brought it. She was tired, hungry, and thirsty. I told her that she needed to eat the snack next time instead of being too busy to eat and drink.

Today she went for her second day of preschool. I wasn't able to drop or pick her up because my mom had to get a biopsy done and I needed to take her home afterwards. Chase said she did much better but when he picked her up she had peed her pants. I guess no one knew though because the teacher didnt say anything. I'm kinda glad she didnt realize because I think Jayda was already embarassed. Chase explained to her that she needed to let Melissa know that she had to go to the bathroom next time. Otherwise she seemed really upbeat when I talked to her on the phone and seemed like she had a lot of fun.

She has been so funny lately. Her new thing is to act like a doggy. She'll keep up the charade sometimes for hours. I even set out a doggy water and food bowl (berry cereal). Anything to get her to eat! ha

Speaking of eating, she seems to be SO much bigger. Just chunkier or something. She can now fit great into 2T which is great. Before she was wearing mostly 18 month stuff. I think the pediasure is making all the difference. We need to redo the stool sample and check to see if it is still abnormal and then on the 6th of Sept we are going up north to the endocronologist to get their opinion.

Shes getting more used to the idea of having a baby sister too. The other day she told me about how excited she was for Santa to come and that when Santa came that Haven was on her way. We told her that when it starts getting cold and right before Santa comes then baby Haven will be done cooking. Then she looked in my belly button and stuck her finger in it. She was trying to look in and said, "Baby Haven are you in there?"

The other day when we were at my inlaws house I picked her up and she threw her hands in the air and said, "Put me down you COW!"

Terrible 3's I tell ya! She is one prissy little boss!

Logandale

The other day I went down to Logandale, NV with my mom and Jayda to see my Grandma and Grandpa Barney. My grandpa just had hip surgery not too long ago and has also had a heart surgery. Physically he has been through the ringer but he is actually doing quite well. One thing I'll always remember about him is his sweet throaty laugh. Makes me smile everytime. My grandma....I'll always remember that the minute we walked in the door she'd say, "Well THERE they are." or her favorite quotes, "Well for Hells Bells" or "Well bless her heart."

I have many sweet memories of my grandparents growing up. I never knew my dads mom and dad. His dad died in his fortys when he was struck by lightening at our family cabin (yes we are THAT unlucky in my family...talk about one in a million). And my grandma Adams had some mental issues that my dad didn't really want us around. So my Barney grandparents were the only grandparents that I knew and I love them so much!

We are actually naming this next baby after my grandma. Her name is Mae and we are going to name the baby Haven Mae. I wanted to name her Mae but Chase didn't like it as a first name. I named Jayda after my dads grandma Ella Vita. I never met her but I always have felt a special connection with her for some reason. She suffered from infertility and was never able to have her own kids so she adopted my grandpa and another little girl. She was very strong in the church and was the only example my dad had to be an active member. So Jayda's middle name is Elle. I wanted to name her Ella Vita but Chase said it sounded too much like a cheese of some sort..like Velveeta.

Anyways, we went down and Jayda loved playing with all the toys my grandma had laid out. She gave her this little princess purse and put a little bunny inside it. Jayda loved it! My Aunt Becky also came over (she lives in the main house and my grandparents live in a little casita in the back). We all chatted for a bit and then decided to head out to lunch at "The Muddy River". Sounds like a total dive but it was actually pretty good. Jayda was convinced we were headed down to a muddy river and was actually quite pissed when we never arrived there.

Jayda loves hamburgers and she had to order her own. She got out of her seat went up to the lady and said with her little finger in the air, "I want a ham with cheese, no lettuce, no matoes, just plain."  Little miss prissy pants.

It was a good little trip and I'm glad Jayda knows who her Barney Grandparents are.

Before we headed into the restaurant my sweet gma said, "Everyone grab your coats! I'm usually freeeezing in there. Ashley you need to get a coat." No thanks gma its 100 degrees outside and I'm pregnant. I'm good.

Jayda on the way home. She was tuckered out. She couldn't let go of her princess purse and her little bunny for the world.

Allowing Myself To Dream

When I was pregnant with Jayda I had a bad feeling from the beginning. I had just come off a miscarriage literally the month before. I wasn't emotionally or obviously physically ready to be pregnant again. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and just thought it was all over again, but she hung on tight. The bleeding continued on and off for the whole first trimester.

I was constantly sick with something and around 13 weeks I got the flu. Not the stomach flu but the flu flu. It was the sickest I've ever been in my entire life. Tylenol would only take the fever away for 2 hours but then I'd have to fever for that last hour or two until I could take it again. It was misery and it lasted for about 2 weeks.

Then right when I started to feel better I had a huge bleed at 14 weeks. I was convinced that it was over and that my baby was gone. But once again her heart was beating away and we could not tell where the bleeding had come from.

After that things began to normalize and we didn't have any issues. I was reading in my journal the other day from when I was pregnant. I was about 23 weeks and I said, "It just seems like forever til the baby is going to be born." Boy was I was wrong!

When I was on bedrest people actually wanted to throw me a baby shower in the hospital. Ummm, no thanks? My first baby shower I didn't even end up going to. My husband went because at that point I didn't even know if I'd have a baby to bring home...why in the hell would I torture myself like that? Everyone around me seemed to think she'd be just fine. For me to just have faith, but I also am a realist and the thought of coming home and seeing a bunch of baby stuff and no baby killed me. In fact, I told Chase I didn't want to see a single baby item. If he wanted to be blissfully happy he had to do so not in my presense. Yeah, I was one sick and twisted individual, but it worked for me. Thats how I coped.

The first day I came home from the hospital after I'd had Jayda I looked around and just felt so empty. I curled up in bed and couldn't help but think that the last time I had slept in this bed I had been pregnant. Not so anymore and that filled me with such saddness and I felt so utterly alone.

The first gift I recieved (not 12 hours after she was born) was a little baby toy. A baby toy. All I could think of was thanks? What the hell is she going to do with this? To jolt that vistor back to reality I showed a picture of my red shiny under-developed baby and I think she knew it was a mistake to bring such a happy gift. Another gift was a little preemie onsie. And all I could think of was ohhh ok yeah my 1lb baby is really gonna fit into this! Thanks for the...blanket.

Those aren't supposed to be the thoughts you think when you get baby gifts but that was my reality. This time around I feel so different and it feels amazing!

I feel so optimistic that I even hired a birth photographer! She'll do my maternitys (that I never got to do!!) and my birth if all goes as planned. It'll be a c-section so a little different but it will be a happy c-section and not one filled with terror.

I've dreamed the birth of a monster baby (keep in mind my idea of monster=able to fit into preemie+ sized clothes) many many times. The kind when they cry it sounds like a baby and not a baby kitten. Where the baby has rolls and not wrinkly skin and seriously resembles an old man.

Everytime I think of Haven's birth I just start to tear up because I finally feel like it will be the happiest day of my life instead of the worst.

I'm not going to lie I do get thoughts here and there creep up about losing her at the last minute. The moment I finally believe this is it she is taken away from me, but those don't consume my thoughts like it did when I was pregnant last time.

I've actually looked at baby stuff. Made a list of what I'll need. I've already gone through Jaydas old baby clothes and kept what I'll need for Haven. It's such a nice change to feel excited and optimistic instead of dread that something is going to go wrong. Sure its there in the back of my mind but not an ever present feeling of doom and gloom.

I'm actually starting to feel like a normal pregnant lady. Not an ignorant pregnant lady. I'll never get that back, but the joy and excitement a normal mom-to-be feels is there.

I'm a second time mom but in a lot of ways I'm really just a first time mom. So for now, I'll shop and get ready for my turkey leftovers/early christmas gift.

This Christmas I'll actually get what I want.

Jayda Update

I feel like all I talk about is baby Haven, but Jayda has been getting SO big! Just in the last 3 months since she has turned 3 she has had such a burst in development.

The other day I made a shopping list and left it on the counter. When I went to go shopping I found that Jayda had taken a chair and gotten to the scissors and cut all the sides of my list. Of course I was mad she had gotten into the scissors but I was so excited she was wanting to start cutting with scissors! So we went out and got her some kid proof scissors and she has been cutting papers up for 2 days! There are scraps all over my house.

She's also been really into imaginative play lately. Its so fun to watch her play with her toys as she has a dialoge in between them. The other day she came up to me and asked me if she could play with Barbies! Oh my!

Yesterday we took her to the county fair and she loved it! We went with my SIL Cait and her husband Taylor. We didn't ride any of the rides but just watched her ride her rides and just have a blast.

With the 3s though come some major attitude! She just wants to do everything herself which is ok with me but when she can't she just gets so frustrated! Plus there are things she should not DO. One example being pouring her milk. Not gonna happen little miss priss! That thing is bigger than you! :)

Yesterday she woke up from her nap a little cranky. I told her not to do something (I forget what) and she blew her tounge at me. I looked at her like oh hell no you didnt....and said if you do that again I will take your scissors and you'll go to time out. So of course she did it again. I put her in her room and she cried and cried. Thats what she's been doing lately. Its been hard but shes still a cute little bug at the end of the day!

She's starting preschool on the 20th (we go in for Orientation on the 15th) and she is so excited. We have to get her a full sized backpack and it looks SO huge on her! Its bigger than her body, but she was so excited. She'll put her scissors and her notebook in there and she puts it on and says I'm all ready to go to preschool!

My little bug is growing up!

Ultrasound!

Well I finally have my computer fixed! Woot Woot! So this is much easier to type now. I hate HATE touch screen!

Today was our ultrasound. I woke up and felt her move so I knew she was alive at least, but I just felt sick to my stomach. I just wanted to get it over with good or bad.

We got in there and the tech first checked my cervix it went from 3.88 to 3.56! Awesome. Long and closed still. My dr said that you usually see a shortening on average about 10 days before your water breaks.

Then she looked at the cyst and it was almost completely GONE!!! Dr. C. said if this was the first time they saw it they probably wouldn't even call it a cyst since its that small now!

This is her cyst almost gone. You can see the arrow pointing at that tiny little circle. It used to be much bigger but now is pretty much gone!!

Also, what I was worried about most was there was no double bubble! Her stomach looked fairly full so we would probably see it by now. PHEWWWEWW!! We didn't see any down syndrome markers so the cyst was probably just a normal part of her developing brain. Nothing to be concerned about!

My dr seemed very happy about everything and said that now we just need to keep that cervix nice and long. Thats our main goal now. Luckily the progesterone shots helps tremendously with that. We go in about 3 weeks (at 24 weeks, viability yay!) to check it again. Unfortunately, it'll be a different dr but he wants me to meet the other dr just in case he's gone when I need him. He wants him to be aware of my case that way if were in crisis mode we don't have to worry about him not knowing anything about me. Makes total sense!

As far as Jayda bug I think she is going to have a super hard time when the baby comes. The other day she said, "Mommy, I don't want you to have a baby." I said, "Aww why not?" And she said, "I HATE baby Haven!" I said, "Are you going to be jealous when she gets her?" She said as she held her head down, "Yeah." It made my heart melt and I said, "Don't tell her baby but you will always be my baby and you'll always be my favorite." :)

Essentially she is an only child and grandchild because shes the only on my inlaws side and she is the only grandchild on my parents side that live near her so she sees them the most (although she would LOVE to see her cousins more). So its going to be a big transition for her. I think the minute she sees her though she'll know she belongs to our little family.

I love these 3d ones. She looks so much like Jaydas 3d ultrasounds. You can defintely tell she's gained some weight even from 3 weeks ago!

The evil 20s

I'm finally to a computer. I'm still awaiting our lap top screen in the mail and its been killing me to not have a computer or my bloggy blog.

After our last ultrasound after the initial shock of hearing my baby had a cyst on her BRAIN I actually felt pretty good. My dr wrote down cloroid plexus cyst on a piece of paper. I said oh great now I'll just google the crap out of it. He said please do which I took as a good sign considering he told me NOT to google double bubble when Jayda was diagnosed with it while I was pregnant. I did and felt SO good about it because I realized how common it truly is.

Still, I think my initial reaction was completely warranted. I realized this when I've told family and friends and watch their eyes go wide when I say they found a cyst on her brain. Then add, "Oh but its not a big deal."

My fear is the double bubble that wouldn't show up at my last ultrasound. That freaks me out because my ultrasound this friday will let me know if we are going to have a repeat. I feel pretty good though. I think we'll be ok but once I see the all clear I'll feel a lot better.

I'm not going to lie hitting 20 weeks was hard for me. I woke up the morning I hit 20 weeks from a very disturbing dream that my baby was born early. She was about the size of my hand and I remember she had very long fingernails. She was clinging to my arm and her fingernails were digging into my skin struggling to breathe. I had to pry her off and sickly just hoped her heart would stop beating so she didn't have to suffer anymore. So disturbing.

 Apparantly she was disturbed too because I woke up to her kicking me like crazy. Shes been great about kicking me all day letting me know she is still in there alive and well. Man is it awesome to have a posterior placenta rather than an anterior! 

For the most part people have been super understanding of my fears and anxieties. I mean they are warranted and anyone that thinks they aren't is on serious crack. My biggest pet peeve is when people tell me to not worry or to leave it to God. I'm sorry but this is more complex then most people have to deal with. Its easy to say "Oh don't worry." But until you step into these shoes you truly don't understand the complex fears and anxieties having a pregnancy after a micropreemie feels like. So I understand the ignorance. A lot of people don't have a miscarriage, a micropreemie with a birth defect, and then infertility.

And I know that there are worse things out there, but at this point there is little trust in my body because as of yet its done nothing right. I have reason to worry. I have reason to feel anxious. I have reason to not trust the process. To me thats a normal reaction.

I'm not going to act like there are no worries and keep them locked inside. Am I stressing to the point where its adversly affecting the pregnancy? I don't think so. But I think I'd be doped up on sunshine and butterflies to ignore the fact that theres going to be worry with this pregnancy and I'm allowed that.

Telling me not to worry is like telling someone that is depressed to stop being depressed. Its not that simple.

Dr. C. has been super awesome about that. When I broke down after hearing about the cyst he was so understanding and even the look on his face was pure sympathy. Even though he knew the cysts weren't a big deal he didn't make it out to be a non-issue for me. He said I know its hard especially with your pregnancy history as he handed me a tissue. I said I just worry especially being in the second trimester. He said thats ok and that he worries about me every single day and that if there is ANYTHING that I'm concerned about he wants me to come in right away. I just love that guy! I trust him with any baby of mine!

I've been trying to take it easy the last few weeks. Really my whole pregnancy. My weight gain shows it but I also want to just take it easy. If I feel the least bit crampy I drink a buttload of water and go lay down. That is NOT easy with a 3 year old, but we get it done. I feel really guilty not playing with her as much but I try and get out every once in awhile.

My first goal is to get to 24 weeks. Viability. Then 26+5 when I'll be the most pregnant I have ever been. Then 28 weeks, 30 weeks, 32, 34, 36.....37? Just two weeks at a time.

Hang in there baby Haven. We just got a little bit longer. We can do it together!