Sunday, August 5, 2012

The evil 20s

I'm finally to a computer. I'm still awaiting our lap top screen in the mail and its been killing me to not have a computer or my bloggy blog.

After our last ultrasound after the initial shock of hearing my baby had a cyst on her BRAIN I actually felt pretty good. My dr wrote down cloroid plexus cyst on a piece of paper. I said oh great now I'll just google the crap out of it. He said please do which I took as a good sign considering he told me NOT to google double bubble when Jayda was diagnosed with it while I was pregnant. I did and felt SO good about it because I realized how common it truly is.

Still, I think my initial reaction was completely warranted. I realized this when I've told family and friends and watch their eyes go wide when I say they found a cyst on her brain. Then add, "Oh but its not a big deal."

My fear is the double bubble that wouldn't show up at my last ultrasound. That freaks me out because my ultrasound this friday will let me know if we are going to have a repeat. I feel pretty good though. I think we'll be ok but once I see the all clear I'll feel a lot better.

I'm not going to lie hitting 20 weeks was hard for me. I woke up the morning I hit 20 weeks from a very disturbing dream that my baby was born early. She was about the size of my hand and I remember she had very long fingernails. She was clinging to my arm and her fingernails were digging into my skin struggling to breathe. I had to pry her off and sickly just hoped her heart would stop beating so she didn't have to suffer anymore. So disturbing.

 Apparantly she was disturbed too because I woke up to her kicking me like crazy. Shes been great about kicking me all day letting me know she is still in there alive and well. Man is it awesome to have a posterior placenta rather than an anterior! 

For the most part people have been super understanding of my fears and anxieties. I mean they are warranted and anyone that thinks they aren't is on serious crack. My biggest pet peeve is when people tell me to not worry or to leave it to God. I'm sorry but this is more complex then most people have to deal with. Its easy to say "Oh don't worry." But until you step into these shoes you truly don't understand the complex fears and anxieties having a pregnancy after a micropreemie feels like. So I understand the ignorance. A lot of people don't have a miscarriage, a micropreemie with a birth defect, and then infertility.

And I know that there are worse things out there, but at this point there is little trust in my body because as of yet its done nothing right. I have reason to worry. I have reason to feel anxious. I have reason to not trust the process. To me thats a normal reaction.

I'm not going to act like there are no worries and keep them locked inside. Am I stressing to the point where its adversly affecting the pregnancy? I don't think so. But I think I'd be doped up on sunshine and butterflies to ignore the fact that theres going to be worry with this pregnancy and I'm allowed that.

Telling me not to worry is like telling someone that is depressed to stop being depressed. Its not that simple.

Dr. C. has been super awesome about that. When I broke down after hearing about the cyst he was so understanding and even the look on his face was pure sympathy. Even though he knew the cysts weren't a big deal he didn't make it out to be a non-issue for me. He said I know its hard especially with your pregnancy history as he handed me a tissue. I said I just worry especially being in the second trimester. He said thats ok and that he worries about me every single day and that if there is ANYTHING that I'm concerned about he wants me to come in right away. I just love that guy! I trust him with any baby of mine!

I've been trying to take it easy the last few weeks. Really my whole pregnancy. My weight gain shows it but I also want to just take it easy. If I feel the least bit crampy I drink a buttload of water and go lay down. That is NOT easy with a 3 year old, but we get it done. I feel really guilty not playing with her as much but I try and get out every once in awhile.

My first goal is to get to 24 weeks. Viability. Then 26+5 when I'll be the most pregnant I have ever been. Then 28 weeks, 30 weeks, 32, 34, 36.....37? Just two weeks at a time.

Hang in there baby Haven. We just got a little bit longer. We can do it together!


  1. great post! i know i had different issues while i was prego - but i felt much the same way. worrying every day about this and that... but one thing i can say now is - i still think it's better to be prepared, knowing what could happen and having things turn out better than expected, than to be totally oblivious and be completely blindsided. in my first blog about Reese, i wrote about a "great example of low expectations", and when Reese was in the NICU, I felt so much more at peace, provided, things did turn out better for us. Wishing you a great rest of your pregnancy and in either case (although I hope it's a good one), you are so much better off for having gone through these hard times and learned the lessons most people won't ever have to face.

  2. Ashley I seriously love reading your blog. You are such an inspiration and you always just say things how they are. I love your attitude. Best of luck and I am cheering for you and your sweet baby to make it to 37 weeks!

  3. (Hugs) You are handling it better than I think I would have, it takes a lot of strength to hold it together when a lot of others would have fallen apart. I wish you all the best as you continue to move forward.