Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Allowing Myself To Dream

When I was pregnant with Jayda I had a bad feeling from the beginning. I had just come off a miscarriage literally the month before. I wasn't emotionally or obviously physically ready to be pregnant again. I started bleeding at 5 weeks and just thought it was all over again, but she hung on tight. The bleeding continued on and off for the whole first trimester.

I was constantly sick with something and around 13 weeks I got the flu. Not the stomach flu but the flu flu. It was the sickest I've ever been in my entire life. Tylenol would only take the fever away for 2 hours but then I'd have to fever for that last hour or two until I could take it again. It was misery and it lasted for about 2 weeks.

Then right when I started to feel better I had a huge bleed at 14 weeks. I was convinced that it was over and that my baby was gone. But once again her heart was beating away and we could not tell where the bleeding had come from.

After that things began to normalize and we didn't have any issues. I was reading in my journal the other day from when I was pregnant. I was about 23 weeks and I said, "It just seems like forever til the baby is going to be born." Boy was I was wrong!

When I was on bedrest people actually wanted to throw me a baby shower in the hospital. Ummm, no thanks? My first baby shower I didn't even end up going to. My husband went because at that point I didn't even know if I'd have a baby to bring home...why in the hell would I torture myself like that? Everyone around me seemed to think she'd be just fine. For me to just have faith, but I also am a realist and the thought of coming home and seeing a bunch of baby stuff and no baby killed me. In fact, I told Chase I didn't want to see a single baby item. If he wanted to be blissfully happy he had to do so not in my presense. Yeah, I was one sick and twisted individual, but it worked for me. Thats how I coped.

The first day I came home from the hospital after I'd had Jayda I looked around and just felt so empty. I curled up in bed and couldn't help but think that the last time I had slept in this bed I had been pregnant. Not so anymore and that filled me with such saddness and I felt so utterly alone.

The first gift I recieved (not 12 hours after she was born) was a little baby toy. A baby toy. All I could think of was thanks? What the hell is she going to do with this? To jolt that vistor back to reality I showed a picture of my red shiny under-developed baby and I think she knew it was a mistake to bring such a happy gift. Another gift was a little preemie onsie. And all I could think of was ohhh ok yeah my 1lb baby is really gonna fit into this! Thanks for the...blanket.

Those aren't supposed to be the thoughts you think when you get baby gifts but that was my reality. This time around I feel so different and it feels amazing!

I feel so optimistic that I even hired a birth photographer! She'll do my maternitys (that I never got to do!!) and my birth if all goes as planned. It'll be a c-section so a little different but it will be a happy c-section and not one filled with terror.

I've dreamed the birth of a monster baby (keep in mind my idea of monster=able to fit into preemie+ sized clothes) many many times. The kind when they cry it sounds like a baby and not a baby kitten. Where the baby has rolls and not wrinkly skin and seriously resembles an old man.

Everytime I think of Haven's birth I just start to tear up because I finally feel like it will be the happiest day of my life instead of the worst.

I'm not going to lie I do get thoughts here and there creep up about losing her at the last minute. The moment I finally believe this is it she is taken away from me, but those don't consume my thoughts like it did when I was pregnant last time.

I've actually looked at baby stuff. Made a list of what I'll need. I've already gone through Jaydas old baby clothes and kept what I'll need for Haven. It's such a nice change to feel excited and optimistic instead of dread that something is going to go wrong. Sure its there in the back of my mind but not an ever present feeling of doom and gloom.

I'm actually starting to feel like a normal pregnant lady. Not an ignorant pregnant lady. I'll never get that back, but the joy and excitement a normal mom-to-be feels is there.

I'm a second time mom but in a lot of ways I'm really just a first time mom. So for now, I'll shop and get ready for my turkey leftovers/early christmas gift.

This Christmas I'll actually get what I want.

1 comment:

  1. You are not strange at all for protecting yourself emotionally before. That is just how you keep yourself from getting hurt. I am so glad you are allowing yourself to believe that this time is truly different and that you can enjoy the pregnancy more this time around.

    I'm sure tiny fears will always be in the back of your mind, but your body is more ready now, and it knows what to do. I can't wait to see a pic of your new addition once it happens. Enjoy every second of being pregnant while it lasts!