We're Adopting!!!!

.....a long-haired chihuahua!!! I am so excited! We've been talking about getting a puppy for Jayda and have been looking around lately but today we decided to go to the pound and see if there were any small dogs that needed to be adopted. At first we walked into the room and it was SO sad! There were just cages lined up and they had a water bowl, a food bowl, and a hole to poop/pee in. Thats it. It was cold and just sad. Most of the dogs were big and so we couldn't really adopt them but there were these two other little dogs that were so cute, but they had adopted signs on their cages already. So we went out and talked to the grumpy old animal control guy and he said he had another small dog that he "forgot" to put out.

The moment I saw him I knew I wanted him. He was so hyper and happy to just be HELD! He was SO sweet and I knew we needed to get him. We originally wanted a girl and so Chase wanted to go to the Ivins Animal Shelter (a no kill shelter) to see more dogs and so we went there but it had just closed 11 minutes earlier. It was just meant to be.

I decided to name him Charlie. We went back to the other pound and paid for him. We took one other peek at him since we couldn't take him home today. He was the only dog not barking and just looked up at me like get me the hell out of here. He has to go to the vet tomorrow and get fixed. It was so hard leaving him in that gosh awful place but I'm excited for him to come join our family and Jayda is SO excited to have a little puppy to take care of. She kept saying she would feed him and walk him. Needless to say she was PISSED when we left without him.

Can't wait to have him home tomorrow and I guess he fills a little part of our empty house. I guess once you get to a point in infertility you have to adopt a dog. He'll be my little one year old newborn. :)

Our new "love shack"

Ohhhh. My. Gosh. I can't believe I am making this post. But I figure you guys are sick of hearing me say, "Infertility shmility. My life is horrible" kinds of posts...at least sometimes I feel like I am like a broken record. There's one thing I can't stand and thats when people play the victim that just are drama drama drama. Constantly talk about how horrible their lives are or concentrate day and night on a trial that happened years ago. Not saying that trials don't affect you for the rest of your life but you also don't need to remind everyone about said trial day and night. We get it.

Sooooo I figured I would lighten it up a bit.

Having a two year old you realize just how destructive they are. They draw on everything. They spill everything. Their dirty little hands get all over your white walls. Don't get me wrong....I am in no way complaining. Just stating a fact. Hence why we need new sheets. It was stained with food, sharpies drawn all over it, etc. So we decided it was time to get new sheets and I CANNOT believe I let Chase get them!

Its so shiney that even my camera was scared of it!

Yeah....so you cant see it as well from the picture but its like this silky red santa/bachelor pad looking sheets. I kinda thought it was funny when we were buying it but quickly regreted it when we were actually putting it on the bed. I drew the line at putting it on my pillow which is why my old pillow case is still on my pillow. Plus the sheets make my hair all staticy.

Then in the morning when Jayda saw it she gasped and got all excited, "SANTA came!!!" And then she grabbed the silky red bag that held the sheets and said, "No toys?!" She thought Santa had came and left his toy bag with no toys in it! Smack me in the head!! It was SO funny!

Needless to say Chase is happy and loves it. I am scared anyone will walk in our room and see it and think we are freaks! haha Aw well who am I kidding we kinda are.

Moving on to IUI

I'm nervous. Excited. Freaking out.

So I've been messaging my dr this weekend and I asked him about doing IUIs (short explaination is they stick Chase's sperm up my who-ha timed just right during ovulation...kinda like in the movie the back-up plan haha) since I kind of feel like I am wasting my time on the letrozole. I mean it is my 8th month on fertility drugs. I should be getting ready to give birth not still stuck here. I've showed that Oing is not our only problem so its time to move on especially since Chase's sperm count isn't spectacular. Who knows maybe it would give them a little boost they need.

He said we could do the IUI this month if we wanted to but he doesn't usually do it until there has been 3 months of failed treatment. So we're going to do this last cycle of letrozole since this would be our third month on it and  then start IUI next cycle. Plus both Chase and I want to come in and talk to him about the IUI this cycle instead of jumping right into it this cycle blindly. The kicker is one cycle of IUI is $600...which I expected since I know IUI is expensive. I definatly took for granted that conception last time costed nothin! But its worth it! Luckily we're poor college kids with a kid and we got a big fat check from Uncle Sam. Gotta love tax time!

This month I'm going to focus on cleansing my body, eating healthy, and exercising like crazy to get into shape. I also think I'm going to look into doing acuptuncture as well since it is covered by insurance and hopefully it would help.

I'll update after my appointment sometime this month. Hopefully this month is a miracle and we don't even have to do IUI... but who am I kidding. Fat chance. Who would've thought I'd ever have my husbands sperm shot up my who-ha. And who would've thought I'd be excited about it.

Cried today

It's been awhile but I guess it was due to come anytime. I've felt so strong lately. Thought of getting pregnant in a matter of fact way, but today that all went down the toilet. Just part of the cycle, I guess. I've been messaging my doctor today and I guess that's what really did 'er in. I guess he didn't ever see Chase's sperm analysis and said that he'll have to review it. WTF?! Apparantly they have had issues with getting the final results back from the lab so he'll review it on Tuesday. I told him it was low-average and apparantly he said that may be part of the problem but it just may take a few more months than normal. Then what really made me cry was when he said, "Don't get discouraged! You know you can have a baby, you have done it before :)" When I read that I just started to cry because I just don't believe it anymore and I just don't get why it is taking so long. I feel like sure it may be a reality someday but what if its not? What if it takes years? I think I may go insane by then. And ya know Mary from Sister Wives was able to have one and she never was able to conceive again (except a m/c she had at 12 weeks). What about that? What if I'm like her? Having to wait for a fourth wife to offer to be my surrogate? Ok...not really but still. She had a baby and look at her. And my uterus isn't the friendliest on the block.

What really made me burst too is I feel like I am wasting my time taking the letrozole. I feel like if it was going to happen it would have already. I just want to move onto IUI's already especially if the sperm is what is impeading that. Jayda is getting older and older and it makes me sadder and sadder that she is not going to be very close in age with her sibling. That makes me sad but also makes me want to get more proactive.

Then even if I do get pregnant... then what? That doesn't mean jack. I could just as easily lose the baby or have it freakishly early again. It scares me to death to get pregnant again but I know it's the only way. If only the stork story was true. Screw being pregnant again. That terrifies me. If I could skip it I would. And not for selfish reasons. I would puke every day all day and lay on a hard rock for 9 months if it meant a healthy baby. I'm just terrified of failing again. And even worse this time. What if the NICU was the best case scenario with my uterus? What if the next baby doesn't even make it out?

So as I was writing this blog post sobbing with gobbs of tissues in hand my hubby walked in and saw me crying. He just came in and hugged me and let me vent. We talked about what we wanted to do which is 3-4 IUIs and then start the adoption process. I feel like I need to do that for closure. We talked about how far we have come and how we are so grateful that we didn't have this happen the first time around. We don't think our marriage would have survived it. Maybe thats why we didn't. Who knows. All I know is my hubby is the best. He works hard for us and sacrifices so much. I'm so lucky to have him especially when I have read horror stories of unsupportive husbands. He even offered to go to my next drs appt with me if I wanted. Is that wierd?

All I know is we are going to watch Bridemaids right now and laugh our butts off!

Kids Are Vicious

So today I took Jayda to the park to play with her "friends". I feel so bad we need to have her hang out with more kids her age but we've both been so busy with school lately that we just don't have time to do playdates. So when I do have a little bit I try to take her to the park to socialize.

Usually when we go there is always an older girl that wants to play "mom" to Jayda since she looks so small like a baby. They follow her wherever and just watch after her. It's so cute and she loves it. Today was very different. These kids were vicious to her and it broke my heart!

First this kid was playing and using part of the equiptment as his "table" that he was putting wood chips on. Jayda came over and was trying to see what he was doing. All of a sudden he looked over at her with this scowl and just pushed her to the ground. She got up and looked so defeated like "What the freak did I do to you?" Then she went over to this older girl (probably 5 or 6) and was looking up at her like "play with me". This little girl was pretending to hand out ice cream. She looked at Jayda like she was too young to play with her and just ignored her. Then when Jayda asked for some "ice cream" she realized that she talked and gave her one.

Over and over kids were just mean to her and I think a lot of it was because she was smaller. Jayda is a lot like me in that she is very loud and active but when she first meets people she is very shy and just likes to observe. When kids are nice and show they want to play with her then she comes out of her shell.

When we got in the car she told me, "Mama, kids are mean." Then she started to sniffle. It was the saddest thing ever and for a second I wanted to march right back to that park and tell that kid off. I just worry so much for her as she gets older that people will see her as the "little runt" and pick on her. It gives me a little hope that I was also small and I didn't get picked on since I was a little bossy leader type. But I always wanted to be older than I was because I felt like I wasn't big enough. Since she is the oldest (and only at the moment) I hope thats not the case.

I guess the worry is just part of being a mom.

Valentines Day

Yesterday was actually a great day! My hubby is so sweet! I'm not a very sentimental person or lovey dovey but lately I've really felt closer to him. I read about couples that have been torn apart by having a preemie or having infertility but its (luckily) been the opposite for us. We know all we've got is eachother to get through this (and cute little Jayda bug!) and so it seems like we have grown together through all of this.

To show just how far we have come...we actually got eachother presents this year. Usually with anniversaries, birthdays, etc we wouldn't get eachother anythnig. It was a mutual thing but still...how boring were we?!

When I woke up yesterday both Jayda and Chase were gone. I was like what the heck? Where did they go? So I started to get ready. Finally I heard him come in but he said to stay in the room. Then Jayda came running in so excited saying, "Mama, Mama, balloons, balloons!!!" She just couldn't keep the surprise in.

I came out to find this....

I love how she's just staring at my chocolate. Of course we shared it!

He got me reeses and diet coke with lime....my favorites!

He also made me a big jewelry board with our wedding colors on it. I think he had a lot of fun making it. It was cute how he made it for me. I'm too lazy to take a picture though.

Then I got him a card listing a bunch of things I love and appreciate about him since I don't tell him often. I need to more. I also got him some badly needed clothes. He's disappearing right in front of me (making me feel much fatter) and his clothes are starting to fall off him.

Then we got Jayda a little gift too. We got her this little Minnie Mouse tin with a Tiger, Piglet, Eeyore, and Pooh figurines in it. They go everywhere with her now. She loved it even though after she opened it she hung her head down low and turned to Chase and said, "No treats?" haha That little bugger!

We went out for lunch all three of us to Kneaders. Jayda kept calling it "Neaners".

Chase had to work last night because it was a pretty busy night but at least he got to make good money I'm sure. So tonight we are going out on a date just us two. The only down fall is that I woke up with a vicious sore throat!

Oh and I took a test today because I had to. I have an orthopedic surgeon appointment this morning to get my shoulder checked out since I hurt it a long time ago in a car accident and seemed to have re-aggravated it playing church basketball...we won that game though so thats all that matters. :) Anyways I'm pretty sure he is going to do an x-ray and I'm due for AF at the end of the week. So I figured I'd better take a test just to be sure and it was negative on CD26 which I'm sure means AF is on its way. I got my lab back on CD24 and my progesterone was just a 10 so yeah I'm definatly out. Oh well...what's new?

It isn't gonna ruin my day!

"The Race"

I love running. I don't do it nearly as much since its been so cold but its my favorite form of exercise. It's my time to myself and it seems like I can think so clearly. The other day I was thinking, running a race is a lot like having kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a marathon exhausted by the miles and miles that seem to keep going by. Whereas I see people finishing their race when they started way after me. At times that pisses me off. Here I am busting my butt and not getting anywhere it seems. Then other women just whiz by me seeming to have it so easy. I feel like I have been training forever and it's getting me no where. I keep falling, keep stubbling and am sick of it. At times it makes me feel like a failure. Like what is the freaking point training all this time for nothing? What did I not do? Am I training wrong? Do my legs not work properly? That can't be. What about that girl over there that weighs 200lbs passing me? What. the. hell?

And don't even get me started on the people who didn't even sign up for the race. They don't enjoy running. But they are so good at it and they complain the entire way to the finish. I justify in my mind, "Well they won't enjoy finishing it as much as me because they didn't put in nearly as much work. It was just handed to them. I'll enjoy every minute of every mile, puking and all, because I looked forward to this race for so long." 

Sometimes along the way I see people limping along the trail. They are just getting by yet keep going. You feel bad for them. Even though they are "ahead" of you in the race when you see someone struggle you just have to feel bad.

Some comrades that are experiencing a similar race as me fall off the trail and have to take a break. They are exhausted. They need to rejuventate. They need to not see running as a chore anymore since after awhile thats what it feels like. They need to get their head in the right place before running again. Sometimes I'm jealous of them. They seem to be so relieved. So much pressure lifted off. Sometimes I want to join them and take a much needed break. But for now I keep running, running, running,

The fact is I've been training what seems like forever for this race. I've run part of it before, which was so satisfiying. But I've never finished it. It's my dream to finish this race. To feel what it feels like to pass the finish line. To feel the tears of satisifaction streaming down. To finally see that medal I worked hard for with happiness, not sadness because I failed. To not hear people say "You tried your hardest. Don't beat yourself up, this was out of your control." Disappoinment and fear will be gone. It will be filled with the deepest sense of accomplishment.

But for now, I'll just keep my head down and keep running. Against the winds and rain. Against the bitter cold days. Because I know my prize is just around the corner. Come hell or high water. It's coming.

Nightmares

Lately I've been having horrible nightmares. I'm not sure if it's a normal maternal thing or not but they are just awful. For instance, this morning around 6:30 I woke up with my heart racing and feeling like my life was over. I had a dream that I was at the store with Jayda, who being the independent little girl she is, demanded that she walk by the cart beside me. I looked away for one minute and she was gone. Absolutely gone. I was running around frantic screaming her name but she was just.gone. All these emotions came over me and I felt like I wanted the whole world to stop and find her but they all just kept going just staring at me. Did everyone else just not care?

I sat in the middle of the store and just started bawling. I felt like there was nothing left to live for and how foolish I was to not watch her the whole time. That turned into anger as I thought what sick twisted bastard would have the gall to take MY child away from me?

Needless to say I gave her an extra squeeze when she woke up this morning. I can't believe that my nightmare is one that some parents actually expeirience in real life. Just wow. Devastating. If that ever happens to me just shoot me right then and there.

You just can't explain it until your a mother. Life just doesn't seem to go on with out your child. I often find myself worrying about things like whether she would figure out the child proof door knob to her bathroom and drown in the tub or choke on her food when I wasnt around to see. Or a psychopath breaking into our house and stealing her. I double triple check our locks every night and can't go to sleep until Chase gets home from work because I don't trust him to remember. Sick! Sick! Sick!

Especially now that I have infertility its really made me want to hang on tighter to her. Maybe its a biological reaction but I think its more than that.Not that I could ever replace her or even begin to imagine that but if I had absolutely no children it would devastate me. The quiet. The messes gone. The cute little kisses and snuggles... no more.

It was an eye-opening experience though and I've never felt anything like it until now.

I'd rather have no more children than lose what I already have.  I'm just not sure if this is a normal mommy thing or I'm going a little mama-bear crazy.

I just love this little girl! She's getting ready for the superbowl party. Go Utes! Oh wait...jk wrong game.

Jayda's first haircut. Really she just got bangs because her hair is curly and we didn't want to ruin it. "Mucka" had to hold her down.

Big girl!

First Time Infertiles.....was I that annoying?

Lately online in the stupid forums that I like to pop my head in every now and then (yes,yes I'm ashamed to admit it) I've noticed something. It seems like the women who are having "issues" concieving for under a year are at panic level. Very emotional and you can almost feel the heavy breathing through the computer. You almost want to shake them and say "Ugh bucko, hate to break it to you but you've only been trying for 6-7 months. Put the 5 pregnancy tests that are obviously negative that you think are positive down and back away". And whats funny is they usually get pregnant soon after. Stressing and all. Hmmmm.....

Was I that annoying when I first starting trying? I mean I was very emotional when my AFs were random and I knew I wasn't ovulating. I thought I was going to chop someone's balls off if my temp dropped and rose one more effing time...but then I quickly realized I needed said balls to make a baby. Catch 22.

This is about what I looked like when I was charting and temping back in the day. My temp would go up and fertility friend would give me crosshairs making me think I ovulated and then go back down taking the cross hairs away and round and round the cycle would go. Since then my thermometer has seen the last of its days and was not so lucky as it was dismembered.

And then you want to tell said annoying "infertilish" girl that it is in fact negative and the line is a figment of her imagination created to torture her to death but you are afriad that if you actually tell her she is going to jump into oncoming traffic.

I've noticed that the girls that have been trying for over a year or in my mind the veteran infertiles (even within the veteran infertiles there are different ranks. One year being the lowest.) tend to be the calmer ones who know the science of conception better than their own doctor it seems.

So I've come to this conclusion. The first year leading up to infertility is the hardest. Why? Because the woman doesn't know if she is in fact infertile. The worst part of battling infertility is not knowing whether you belong on the side of the infertiles or the fertiles. You fear using the "I" word because you don't want to come off as dramatic but you also know you can't get an egg like the crack whore down the street. It's a battle of making it across that one year threshold to actually be taken seriously but also dreading every step knowing that your chances are probably decreased and you're truely one of the "abnormal" ones.

And I may be overexaggerating that it's "harder". I guess thats not the right word. Perhaps more panicky is the better fit?

I know that I am much more calm then when I wasn't ovulating and started my first round of clomid. It's like now there is no hope for a positive so in turn there is no crushed dreams of due dates that will never exist. Again its like the rats I talked about a few posts ago. The shock isn't shocking anymore.

I almost feel better being on this side. At least I know I'm being taken seriously and that I'm not just imagining this. That I have a great doctor who is taking this seriously and is taking the steps to get me pregnant. It's actually a very secure feeling and I can go on with my life.

That is just my theory though. Just a psychology major at work overanalyzing things to explain behavior.

The fact is 1 in 9 women have infertility. 1 in 9! Thats a butt load of women. And don't think for a second that concieving easily before makes you immune. 1 in 9.