Monday, February 13, 2012

"The Race"

I love running. I don't do it nearly as much since its been so cold but its my favorite form of exercise. It's my time to myself and it seems like I can think so clearly. The other day I was thinking, running a race is a lot like having kids. Sometimes I feel like I'm running a marathon exhausted by the miles and miles that seem to keep going by. Whereas I see people finishing their race when they started way after me. At times that pisses me off. Here I am busting my butt and not getting anywhere it seems. Then other women just whiz by me seeming to have it so easy. I feel like I have been training forever and it's getting me no where. I keep falling, keep stubbling and am sick of it. At times it makes me feel like a failure. Like what is the freaking point training all this time for nothing? What did I not do? Am I training wrong? Do my legs not work properly? That can't be. What about that girl over there that weighs 200lbs passing me? What. the. hell?

And don't even get me started on the people who didn't even sign up for the race. They don't enjoy running. But they are so good at it and they complain the entire way to the finish. I justify in my mind, "Well they won't enjoy finishing it as much as me because they didn't put in nearly as much work. It was just handed to them. I'll enjoy every minute of every mile, puking and all, because I looked forward to this race for so long." 

Sometimes along the way I see people limping along the trail. They are just getting by yet keep going. You feel bad for them. Even though they are "ahead" of you in the race when you see someone struggle you just have to feel bad.

Some comrades that are experiencing a similar race as me fall off the trail and have to take a break. They are exhausted. They need to rejuventate. They need to not see running as a chore anymore since after awhile thats what it feels like. They need to get their head in the right place before running again. Sometimes I'm jealous of them. They seem to be so relieved. So much pressure lifted off. Sometimes I want to join them and take a much needed break. But for now I keep running, running, running,

The fact is I've been training what seems like forever for this race. I've run part of it before, which was so satisfiying. But I've never finished it. It's my dream to finish this race. To feel what it feels like to pass the finish line. To feel the tears of satisifaction streaming down. To finally see that medal I worked hard for with happiness, not sadness because I failed. To not hear people say "You tried your hardest. Don't beat yourself up, this was out of your control." Disappoinment and fear will be gone. It will be filled with the deepest sense of accomplishment.

But for now, I'll just keep my head down and keep running. Against the winds and rain. Against the bitter cold days. Because I know my prize is just around the corner. Come hell or high water. It's coming.

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