Monday, February 6, 2012


Lately I've been having horrible nightmares. I'm not sure if it's a normal maternal thing or not but they are just awful. For instance, this morning around 6:30 I woke up with my heart racing and feeling like my life was over. I had a dream that I was at the store with Jayda, who being the independent little girl she is, demanded that she walk by the cart beside me. I looked away for one minute and she was gone. Absolutely gone. I was running around frantic screaming her name but she was just.gone. All these emotions came over me and I felt like I wanted the whole world to stop and find her but they all just kept going just staring at me. Did everyone else just not care?

I sat in the middle of the store and just started bawling. I felt like there was nothing left to live for and how foolish I was to not watch her the whole time. That turned into anger as I thought what sick twisted bastard would have the gall to take MY child away from me?

Needless to say I gave her an extra squeeze when she woke up this morning. I can't believe that my nightmare is one that some parents actually expeirience in real life. Just wow. Devastating. If that ever happens to me just shoot me right then and there.

You just can't explain it until your a mother. Life just doesn't seem to go on with out your child. I often find myself worrying about things like whether she would figure out the child proof door knob to her bathroom and drown in the tub or choke on her food when I wasnt around to see. Or a psychopath breaking into our house and stealing her. I double triple check our locks every night and can't go to sleep until Chase gets home from work because I don't trust him to remember. Sick! Sick! Sick!

Especially now that I have infertility its really made me want to hang on tighter to her. Maybe its a biological reaction but I think its more than that.Not that I could ever replace her or even begin to imagine that but if I had absolutely no children it would devastate me. The quiet. The messes gone. The cute little kisses and snuggles... no more.

It was an eye-opening experience though and I've never felt anything like it until now.

I'd rather have no more children than lose what I already have.  I'm just not sure if this is a normal mommy thing or I'm going a little mama-bear crazy.

I just love this little girl! She's getting ready for the superbowl party. Go Utes! Oh wait...jk wrong game.
Jayda's first haircut. Really she just got bangs because her hair is curly and we didn't want to ruin it. "Mucka" had to hold her down.
Big girl!

1 comment:

  1. sorry about your scary dream ashley! i haven't had nightmares about kohen, yet, but these are things that i think about in real life - isn't it SO freaky, all the things that COULD happen? especially when they are toddlers and you can't make them stuck in a car seat anymore...and the sad thing is - every time i go to a grocery store, i see parents doing stupid stuff (like not buckling their infant in the cart, or putting a 14m. old in the cart and watching them fall onto their head in the middle of walmart, or worse, take their children out of carseats and set them behind their car, while grabbing their purse and just let them walk behind the adult when they are only 2 years old) it just makes me sick that those parents are clueless, and careless, and maybe not all of them, but when you have gone through traumatic experiences (or even what kohen went through in the nicu and his other sicknesses), it just makes you overly cautious, and i'd rather that, than be a completely ignorant, happy-go-lucky, nothing bad will happen to my kid type of a parent.
    i don't think you are "mommy gone crazy" or whatever you called it at all. and reading stories about people our age losing their children, just reminds me of how important it is to hold onto them while we still have them!