Sunday, February 19, 2012

Cried today

It's been awhile but I guess it was due to come anytime. I've felt so strong lately. Thought of getting pregnant in a matter of fact way, but today that all went down the toilet. Just part of the cycle, I guess. I've been messaging my doctor today and I guess that's what really did 'er in. I guess he didn't ever see Chase's sperm analysis and said that he'll have to review it. WTF?! Apparantly they have had issues with getting the final results back from the lab so he'll review it on Tuesday. I told him it was low-average and apparantly he said that may be part of the problem but it just may take a few more months than normal. Then what really made me cry was when he said, "Don't get discouraged! You know you can have a baby, you have done it before :)" When I read that I just started to cry because I just don't believe it anymore and I just don't get why it is taking so long. I feel like sure it may be a reality someday but what if its not? What if it takes years? I think I may go insane by then. And ya know Mary from Sister Wives was able to have one and she never was able to conceive again (except a m/c she had at 12 weeks). What about that? What if I'm like her? Having to wait for a fourth wife to offer to be my surrogate? Ok...not really but still. She had a baby and look at her. And my uterus isn't the friendliest on the block.

What really made me burst too is I feel like I am wasting my time taking the letrozole. I feel like if it was going to happen it would have already. I just want to move onto IUI's already especially if the sperm is what is impeading that. Jayda is getting older and older and it makes me sadder and sadder that she is not going to be very close in age with her sibling. That makes me sad but also makes me want to get more proactive.

Then even if I do get pregnant... then what? That doesn't mean jack. I could just as easily lose the baby or have it freakishly early again. It scares me to death to get pregnant again but I know it's the only way. If only the stork story was true. Screw being pregnant again. That terrifies me. If I could skip it I would. And not for selfish reasons. I would puke every day all day and lay on a hard rock for 9 months if it meant a healthy baby. I'm just terrified of failing again. And even worse this time. What if the NICU was the best case scenario with my uterus? What if the next baby doesn't even make it out?

So as I was writing this blog post sobbing with gobbs of tissues in hand my hubby walked in and saw me crying. He just came in and hugged me and let me vent. We talked about what we wanted to do which is 3-4 IUIs and then start the adoption process. I feel like I need to do that for closure. We talked about how far we have come and how we are so grateful that we didn't have this happen the first time around. We don't think our marriage would have survived it. Maybe thats why we didn't. Who knows. All I know is my hubby is the best. He works hard for us and sacrifices so much. I'm so lucky to have him especially when I have read horror stories of unsupportive husbands. He even offered to go to my next drs appt with me if I wanted. Is that wierd?

All I know is we are going to watch Bridemaids right now and laugh our butts off!


  1. (((hugs))) I remember those days. DH likes to laugh at them now (I don't!) and tell me I was just like Eeyore and moping. I want to say it gets better, but I don't honestly think it does. And I don't think you are wasting your time with the are at least eliminating one barrier, which was ovulating regularly and giving what sperm are there more chances of finding that egg. If you go IUI, I don't think it will take 4 cycles. :)