Friday, February 3, 2012

First Time Infertiles.....was I that annoying?

Lately online in the stupid forums that I like to pop my head in every now and then (yes,yes I'm ashamed to admit it) I've noticed something. It seems like the women who are having "issues" concieving for under a year are at panic level. Very emotional and you can almost feel the heavy breathing through the computer. You almost want to shake them and say "Ugh bucko, hate to break it to you but you've only been trying for 6-7 months. Put the 5 pregnancy tests that are obviously negative that you think are positive down and back away". And whats funny is they usually get pregnant soon after. Stressing and all. Hmmmm.....

Was I that annoying when I first starting trying? I mean I was very emotional when my AFs were random and I knew I wasn't ovulating. I thought I was going to chop someone's balls off if my temp dropped and rose one more effing time...but then I quickly realized I needed said balls to make a baby. Catch 22.

This is about what I looked like when I was charting and temping back in the day. My temp would go up and fertility friend would give me crosshairs making me think I ovulated and then go back down taking the cross hairs away and round and round the cycle would go. Since then my thermometer has seen the last of its days and was not so lucky as it was dismembered.

And then you want to tell said annoying "infertilish" girl that it is in fact negative and the line is a figment of her imagination created to torture her to death but you are afriad that if you actually tell her she is going to jump into oncoming traffic.

I've noticed that the girls that have been trying for over a year or in my mind the veteran infertiles (even within the veteran infertiles there are different ranks. One year being the lowest.) tend to be the calmer ones who know the science of conception better than their own doctor it seems.

So I've come to this conclusion. The first year leading up to infertility is the hardest. Why? Because the woman doesn't know if she is in fact infertile. The worst part of battling infertility is not knowing whether you belong on the side of the infertiles or the fertiles. You fear using the "I" word because you don't want to come off as dramatic but you also know you can't get an egg like the crack whore down the street. It's a battle of making it across that one year threshold to actually be taken seriously but also dreading every step knowing that your chances are probably decreased and you're truely one of the "abnormal" ones.

And I may be overexaggerating that it's "harder". I guess thats not the right word. Perhaps more panicky is the better fit?

I know that I am much more calm then when I wasn't ovulating and started my first round of clomid. It's like now there is no hope for a positive so in turn there is no crushed dreams of due dates that will never exist. Again its like the rats I talked about a few posts ago. The shock isn't shocking anymore.

I almost feel better being on this side. At least I know I'm being taken seriously and that I'm not just imagining this. That I have a great doctor who is taking this seriously and is taking the steps to get me pregnant. It's actually a very secure feeling and I can go on with my life.

That is just my theory though. Just a psychology major at work overanalyzing things to explain behavior.

The fact is 1 in 9 women have infertility. 1 in 9! Thats a butt load of women. And don't think for a second that concieving easily before makes you immune. 1 in 9.

No comments:

Post a Comment