Monday, October 3, 2011

Definatly not the update I imagined...

Definatly not pregnant. I just feel so sad, like this is never going to happen for me or if it does it will take a lot to get there. After having a miscarriage, a micropreemie, and now infertility I'm just beginning to think my body isn't cut out for making babies. I know theres a purpose to all of this and that this will make me stronger in the end, but dang...not gonna lie this sucks the big one.

Living it Utah doesn't make things better either. Everywhere I turn there are people pregnant. In fact there are several people that have had 2 kids since I've had Jayda. I know poor me right? Geesh I must sound like a broken record. Oh here we go again....Ashley's little sob stories. I feel like all I do is complain here but honestly this place is my outlet for bad days like these. So I guess as long as I'm going through this I'm gonna sob. Sorry.

Having children is such a personal thing for a woman and when that doesn't work out it just crashes your world. It just makes you question your entire future and what will be in it. I love Jayda with all of my heart but it absolutely breaks mine when I see her holding other babies and loving on them. It absolutely tears my soul out to think that she'll never have a sibling or that she'll be so old before she gets one.

I know there are others out there that have had it way worse and for that I feel a little guilty. But after all I've been through with my uterus I just have hit my breaking point. You win uterus. I'm 0 for 3.

All I know is that I WILL have more kids and that someday this will all make sense.That it worked out truely how it was supposed to. I know that Jayda will be a big sister and that I will feel life in my stomach again. But right now its like there is a cloud hanging over that image and I can't see it very well. I imagine that's how God intended life to be. Something that doesn't always make sense but as you continue your life path the image gets clearer and clearer. Or at least I hope it's like that. Gosh I hope so.


  1. Sob away, I'll bring the tissues!hang in there hunny and just know it DOES get better and Even when it seems all is hopeless, things will turn around. Live you !!

  2. Big hugs to you! Blogging is such a great outlet, better to let it out than keep it bottled in. I know your day will come and Jayda will get to be a big sister. I know that you are stronger than this, so hang in there girl!

  3. Vent, sob, cry, scream, whatEVER it takes to get those emotions out. The constant cycle of trying and seeing that negative is so hard. And then on top of that all those stupid hormones come into play! There were many days I gave up hope. Said it's just never going to happen. Many days I cried. You need to for your own sanity to let it out. (((hugs))) Love you.